Short Update.

It was a lovely day in Edmonton today. At least, as lovely as it can be in the final days of October. School days have been going by quick as they can, and I'm trying to immerse myself in the classes knowing that I am nearly halfway through my courses. After school Lisa and I decided to bus to the Halloween Spirit store and the mall to find some sort of costume that we could wear for Halloween night.

It was sunny, and although we missed our period of orange leaves thanks to an early snow, it was still warm and somewhat beautiful. I got to see Chris for a few minutes on the bus, just to hug him and see how high on dope he was. It's almost starting to be a concern, if his eyes aren't bloodshot red I almost need to ask him if somethings wrong. Oh well.

And I didn't find anything in the halloween stores. Nothing that caught my eye, just because costumes are all over 50 bucks! So, I should be off now to finish my gorgeous Bio notes. I'm going to scan them with my new scanner and marvel over their excellence! See ya!

Bad Kids, all my friends are bad kids

I wanted to write a new blog for the longest time. I was sitting here just now, wishing that I had somewhere to write a thought where people would read it. I think the only time people were interested in my blog was back in the first months of grade ten, when I was a topic of discussion, and people found it funny and strange to figure that I was so candid about my life.

I regret that. I feel as if now I am getting by without worrying about the little details. I'm trying to be myself more, and not focus so much on the future. (I still do that a lot of the time though) This past weekend I went to Calgary for Thanksgiving. A lot has changed in a sense, but in a way it hasn't. School starting up again felt very similar to how it always had. I felt like I had never been away for the best summer of my life, and I felt as if I were coming back to where I left off.

I'm content with life, happy with my relationships, and I'm scared. I'm really bloody scared because I don't really feel like I have a handle on things very often and when I finally do it's like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for this handle on things to explode. I'm happy with my job. The people I work with are friendly and comforting, walking into work can be dreading but also lovely because I love seeing Sheena and her incredibly witty and twisted sense of humor. And I love seeing Laney and hearing her wild stories and seeing her infectious smile. I don't love school but I'm not going to lie when I say that I make it sound a lot worse than it has to be. I like guitar class, I like Brandon who I sit next to and plays me interesting riffs. I like Leonard and when he sits behind me, always really baked but always playing crazy riffs as well and playing songs with Sean. Songs that go like: Bad kids, all we are is bad kids, all my friends are bad kids

I like my room at my moms house and how even on the worst mornings where I'm exhausted I can look forward to going to that room and feeling the same comfort I did when I was young. I like my dad, and how he is trying really hard in our new house to build a home for the two of us, even though I'm so rude and demanding to him alot of the time. Oh, and I like my new dog Sheba/ beeba/ Bee. I like how she came with a name we don't like so we have tried to transform it. I like how she loves me, and kisses my face when I get sad. I like cheer, and how empowering it feels to get a workout done and be the good stunt group on our team. I like Katie, who baked me a cake when I was sick.

I like Chris. I like that he's my best friend and I can act in any form of myself that I want and I still feel like me. I like how he makes me laugh, sometimes at him but most of the times with him. I like how safe I feel when I'm with him, I loved I feel.

I like, I like, I like, I like. And I'm more scared now than I ever have been. I want to be a good person, and I want to go school every morning still, walking through the ridiculous amounts of snow we have gotten already, even though the leaves are green, and I want to get on the bus and smile at people. I realized today that I spend so much time being such a... girl, that I just lose my train of thought. And, I like my blog. And how even though life changes and my story changes, it's still here to remind me of the things that I got through, and the certain things I came back to. And I want to start this year off with a new blog to remember. Full of memories and happiness, and hopefully get Alyssa to write up too. Because it seemed that last year we were so lonely that It was hard to write of anything else in our sadness.

My, My, what a ramble. :)

XoKristen.

Always

Kill me

I want my blog to have a purpose so badly! I feel like my ramblings are just getting... boring. Currently I am sitting in my dads new house. By new I mean he's lived here for a month, the house is probably 60 years old in itself. It's quite the fixer upper, but it has the potential to be something cute.

My room, which I'm currently in is painted strawberry daiquiri, a deep pink. I have my new bed from Ikea set up, my sheets and new pillows, even my new lamp and picture. But the thing that's irritating me as of now, is that it could have been finished by now. It's not. The edging is not yet done (the white around the window and door frame) and thats irritating because this room used to be mint green.

Anyways, I'm bored. I miss Chris. I miss my dad even who abandoned me for his girlfriend for the day! And he got me a free tv, so its going to show up any minute now. If its free, i'm not expecting much.

XoKristen

Vancouver Island Return

So, It's been awhile. I guess I have begun to take long absences. It's hard to write because usually I would enjoy the illusion of writing for an audience. If I keep taking these long absences, people are going to stop checking up on me!

The reason I got the sudden urge to write a blog, was that I just returned from Vancouver Island. It's not that Vancouver Island urges me to write, although in retrospect it does, but it's that I first started to believe that people were interested in my little notes of life, when I was last at the island. The last time I visited, things were a smidge different. I was going into the ninth grade, My aunties house hadn't been built yet, and my cousins were remarkably younger. Well, as much as two years can be, but in young child years there is a big difference between 4 and 6.

So, Its probably expected that I shed a bit of light on my trip. I'm not going to go into insane detail. Saying that I have gone on vacation to Vancouver Island can probably leave room to imagine. I swam in the ocean, I beach combed, I went to the several quaint market places set up in Parksville, Qualicum, Nanoose Bay and Nanaimo. But as my aunt was driving us to the Nanaimo airport today with the windows rolled down and my sweaty palms up against the door I couldn't help but feel strange.

I get this strange feeling whenever I travel. It's a strange sensation of bittersweet. A main point it was bitter was because my mother yet again made a mistake with our boarding passes and not realizing until 3:10 that our plane left at 4 and not 5 leaving us to a hectic departure from my aunties million dollar ocean front home. Now, I myself am pretty sentimental and I like to walk around and enjoy every single part of a place before I leave it. When I left Miquelon Lake with Chris and his family, I said goodbye to the campsite. When I left my Auntie Alisons house however, I was rushing out the door with my pants in one hand, my laptop under my arm, and my stupid purple suade bag hung over my shoulder with a billion magazines I had collected while being there. (Which was only 7 days I might add)

The drive to the airport was a hazy one, It was so hot there and I my dreamer mind kept wandering off. I was looking out the window I remember, staring at the point of a mountain thinking how badly I wanted to be on that mountain rather then looking at it. My eyes trailed to the lake below, maybe even a bay, and I got an itch to just jump into it, rather then just stare at it as it sparkled.

Mind you, I am still a kid. I think in this world, adults see 16 year olds as young adults. They see us as crazy and hormonal, but very well capable and becoming of an adult. But I don't see myself that way at all. The whole time I was on that trip I kept thinking how badly I wanted a friend near me so we could go swimming in the ocean at night, or run through the rainforest or even scout out other potential friends in Nanoose Bay. But, because I was the only person in the house near to my age I was kind of a hermit the entire time. That's probably why leaving was so strange. The closest person to my age was Ella, and she's my 7 year old cousin. Although I noticed that the last time I was there she was alot more of a baby, not so much a kid. She really seemed older, other people probably don't notice it. But I couldn't lie to her like I could lie to her when she was 5. She is one of those people that you can have a whole conversation and think she's not listening, but she'll pipe up at exactly the right time.

So, I miss the Island. I wish that my time there was longer and better spent. I think whenever I go there I just shut down and immerse myself in being a slug. Whether it be slugging down on the beach, or sitting on her veranda reading book after book. But I really shut off, I probably said like 50 words the entire time to my Auntie. I love her and admire her for many things because she has one of those solid, and rough personalities. With her, you either take it or you leave it. But at the same time, I'm yet another one of those teenagers that dislikes the things her mother does, and gets annoyed by little things that she does, and since they are sisters there were too many things I noticed, but was too polite to say. I just kind of judged them in silence the entire time. My moms boyfriend flew out a couple nights after we did, and I was excited at first because I thought that maybe someone would join me in wanting to swim, or do something other than 'relax' and shop.

But then I remembered why him and my mom together agitated me so much back home. The first thing he did once he got home, well I should say the second because the first thing he did was go down to the beach and grab a canoe and paddle himself out into the bay, but the second thing he did was show me a huge joint that he rolled and proceeded out onto the balcony to give it to my mom. It was one thing that irritated me, because they were so excited to put my young cousins to bed, which I dreaded because then the house became dull and quiet because my auntie, mom and shawn would head outside. Then I would watch them with irritation speculated at my mom because she thought she was being sneaky smoking a big thing of weed and turning her back from THE HUGE OVERLOOKING WINDOWS OF THE BEACH. I purposely teased her that whole night, and made fun of her. I gave her a really hard time the entire trip actually. It's just something that I do and that I'm good at.

When I think hard about it, I do love my mom. But it's the difference between going on vacation with her versus with my father. My dads entire family, is MY FAMILY. You won't hear me say "My dads family" Very often, unless i'm talking like I am right now. They are all just like me, they are hilarious and loving and they call me sweetheart every chance and tell me they love me when I leave, even my Auntie who isn't my blood. I love her like I would love my mom (ha ha)

And my moms side of the family is in such shards I couldn't even tell you which ones even qualified themselves as her family anymore. They are all loud and rude, and a getogether with them usually involves yelling and arguing. They speak badly about each other when another one turns around, and the main point about all of them: They all think they're right. It's like a chronic disease within all of them. I swear. It's retarded to listen to them, they are pretty racist too, driving with my grandma during rush hour usually sounds like this "Fucking Asians can't see where they're going"

I haven't had a family get together with them since I was 6. My Grandmas sister Auntie Adie, has an adopted son named Jordan who is like 30. Everyone in my family hates Jordan because he 'looked after' my great grandmothers house when she moved into a home and he completely wrecked it. I haven't seen my Auntie Adie in probably 8 years. Everytime I see any one of those family members they whisper something under their breath about her.

Anyways, I don't know how I got so off topic. It's easy to flame on about my mother because she's a quick ignition in my life. But who cares! The coolest thing I did while on the island, was Canoe out into the Bay at Dusk with Shawn. He's a very spiritual guy, although I hate to admit it. I guess that's why he smokes so much weed. But he paddled out there, with me and him I wonder sometimes what he thinks of me. I always deny that I'm anything like my mother but since he lives with the two of us I treat him much like she does. But, we paddled out there, no arguing, no shrewd comments. I just looked down into the water like a 2 year old. I saw so many live jellyfish, which I guess isn't too diverse but it's a neat experience for me. I enjoyed it so much. My mom came with us the night before, complaining about Shawns 'homemade paddles' that were just pieces of wood from the beach. We went almost out of the bay, and shawn pointed into the distance and said:

"There's a passage to another world" And his eyes got all glazed over when he talks about deep things. I nodded, although I didn't really know if I understood until he continued "We could paddle straight ahead and end up in China, Japan, Far sides of Russia..." He kept naming places and correcting himself "K- no. Wait, yeah Korea" And I knew the whole time that he was saying that, that he was wrong. My auntie lived on the side of the island that faced inland, namely Vancouver itself. But I didn't say anything. I just listened to him talk, because when that man is passionate about something he is very passionate about it. And although he is weird, and smells bad, and sometimes I just want to kick him, he can really notice the beautiful things in life. Something my mom can't, which is weird.

I guess thats about as deep as my insight goes. I just loved the sound of the waves crashing against the canoe. This morning before we went he took me to some haggard rocks down the beach and we climbed them. Sometimes with him, we just don't say anything. That's how I was the entire trip, just very interested in the world around me, but I didn't really share it with anyone. Vancouver Island really is beautiful, but I feel like even if I was there two weeks, a month, even a year, I'll never be able to completely value it's beauty. I felt like the entire time I was there I was vacationing in front of a painting, but never actually went IN the picture.

And now that I'm home, it's like I never left. Back to the regular days. I'm used to it here, the plane ride is so quick that it's like I was never far. My boyfriend was out in BC this whole week as well, but he was inland in Osoyoos. And just last night got onto the island, the second half of his trip. It's weird, I felt happy while I was there because we were in the same province, now I'm bummed that I'm 600 miles away again. Summertime is an exciting time, but a depressing one. It's almost half over, and I barely felt like I've done anything. I wish I had a year to chill and spend my time. I'm scared for the fall, scared for my future with Chris, Scared for my grades, oh jeez i'm scared for my grades.

Oh man!

But I'll leave you with a million stupid words in your mind. If you've even read this!

XoKristen

Soul Destroying Nature?

The funniest thing about life, is that the minute that it takes a turn whether for the worst or the best, it seems like your entire outlook is that of the direction that it's headed. I found myself so lost before when I just recently realized, with my own self righteousness that it had nothing to do with Chris, or anything in my 'unhappy' life, but had to do with the whole idea of everything.

I think that when you've never dated before, when you're just a good and new to the raw and terrifying prospect of heartbreak it's almost like this suffocating cloud over your life. I've always said that to build your entire emotional stability relying completely on one person, is so bad and utterly stupid that i'd never do it. I've always told Emma not to do it, I've told Rebecca, even Caroline in brief instances. And here I am, the universal feeling of being forgotten those 8 months ago and it was as if I've died.

I get it back, and now I'm so open to the world and I can see things better than before it seems. But why is that? It's like as a teenager we just prepare ourselves for disaster. I realized one very important thing though. And that is, that the breakup never hurt me and probably wouldn't have as badly if it wasn't the first time i'd ever been in a relationship that mattered. I was just a walking drama queen and as much as I look back on that and flinch, I don't want to look back. I have conversations with Chris and something will come up and it's like something just stung me in my heart because my mind took me back there to the times when I made MYSELF miserable. I just didn't want to get out of his world and I caused myself grief because of it.

If i've learned one thing, one thing that I hope I can carry for the rest of my life and that is if a relationship has things that you notice aren't right, you shouldn't waste your time trying to fix it. Chances are you're not the only one feeling problems. It's a hard thought to grasp but I think being who I am, and teenagers being who we are, we just cushion reality in our minds and tell ourselves over and over again that yes, we aren't good enough, but no, nobody could possibly think THAT thing or THIS thing about us. Well they can. My best friends have told people they've hated me, People have told people I'm stupid and they want to forget me, people are just going to let me down. I sort of wish I'd known about how harsh the world is before I got so caught up in all of this.

But the good news is that for now, I feel as if I'm repeating the best days of my life in a newer version. I don't care if i've said that I can't live in the past, or If i've said that you can never go back to a relationship, I really don't care. Because I want to live in the moment for once in my life and not bring myself the grief and soul destroying nature that comes with thinking about the future. I'm just going to be a kid and live it up. Not waste my time with the specifics. 

That had all been my demise. It won't be anymore. Everything is just going to be chill and fantastic. And if I fall down, then fuck all of those who kicked me there. Seriously. I Just want to live without regrets and I haven't had any so far.

Peace out!

XoKristen

So this is what it's like to be physically active

Right now, I am contemplating my whining factor. Well, anyone that knows me moderately well may pick up on the fact that if something is sore or if I have an ache of some sort you will most likely know about it. And I am taking this opportunity to cry about how sore my ass is, my armpits (believe it or not), and pretty much every muscle in my body is from stupid ridiculous cheer! As well I have a stomach ache.

Well that felt good to whine about, I think I'm going to get ready for bed though as I type this I am thinking about a warm comfortable mattress calling me. I get to sleep in an hour later than this morning today because today I went out for breakfast with Dafoe! It was yummy.

XoKristen

I am in my spanish class right now. I managed to find a wifi connection. I'm quite bored and sore but full because I got taken out for breakfast this morning!

Xokristen


-- Post From My iPhone