I Don't know where Im going with this

I don't exactly know where I'm going with this. My mood is so all over the board today that If I start crying while I write this...it might just end. So if it does, I'm sorry. I just might be ready to talk about stuff with Chris since I've spent the evening driving with my dad and talking to him and listening to some really empowering music.

Alyssa wrote this really amazing blog about me. She said quite a few things, but I love her support and how much she cares. She said one line "Like, I'm sure Chris means well, but he didn't see Kristen today, had to laugh with her, and see her smile, to knowing that the smile didn't reach her eyes like it usually does, and knowing there's this deep sadness inside her" It was amazing to read that. She actually picked up on it. I'm surprised now that I'm not crying, I think alot of my sadness was just shock that he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore.

After today, I feel a little better. Last night I biked to the park to see Chris, knowing after a short phone call that I was biking towards the end of our relationship. Apparently our distance was doing alot more than I thought. I still think deep down it was him that just kind of built this distance thing himself. I still believe he just isolated himself because I constantly did my best and I didn't feel it.

Anyways, The conversation we had was probably the most emotional conversation i'd ever had. It was weird because It felt like neither of us wanted it to end yet he was telling me it had to. I was crying, shaking, trying to come up with witty things to say that would make him change his mind. I tried to smile, I even cracked a joke at the fact that it had gone quite a bit darker since the beginning of our conversation. I told him I wanted one last hug, it turned into 5 last hugs. I started crying the entire time. This may be a really small detail but I remember him grabbing for my hand, made me cry that much more.

And then I left, he smiled which made me angry because I tried too. I said alot of lines about how I still really care, I said alot of lines about how I'll always love him, about how I really want us to be friends. I like to think for a short minute during that conversation when I looked up at him the water in his eyes wasnt because he had to sneeze, or being he had just yawned but maybe because he was sad and wanted to cry too. I remember getting on my bike and pedaling as fast as I could towards the exit of the park, my knuckles were literally white around the handle bars and I looked back watching him walk away. Just typing this is making my chest hurt and my eyes fill with tears.

Great, now I'm crying. I'll try my best to finish this off though. I just biked to daniels house, and over the bridge where I laughed looking down at the cars thinking about how easy it would be to just get out. Not that I would ever jump. I went to his house and Daniel gave me a huge hug and walked with me and let me talk. Course the entire time I was sobbing. I was so surprised when we got to the park, just talking and I just let myself stare at the place where I got dumped by someone I really loved. Anyways, I realized Daniel is a really good friend of mine. Course I always knew that, but he would always be there for me.

I went home, and I cried the entire time I was there. I sobbed, hugging my dad. I cried trying to sleep. I woke up at 3 in the morning, cried for another good two hours and woke up at 7 because I was crying. I got ready for school with tears streaming down my face, makeup was impossible to put on. Walked to the bus stop sniffling and dabbing at my eyes. Got on the bus and stared out the windows as more tears streamed down my face. Lisa got on the bus and I started to cry. I got to school and Language Arts was terrible. Theres this boy Matt who sits in front of me in La. And theres this picture on the wall, and I noticed him looking at it But I think he was just trying to look at my reflection. I was sniffling and crying. I asked to go to the bathroom and Caroline was in there and I just broke down and sobbed.

I was so tired of crying I can tell you that. Gym class got rid of it, the whole running around ordeal. The afternoon I couldn't even cry. The bus was really hard though. Chris still takes my bus and when he got on with two other pretty girls who were trying to decide if they should sit at the back with me. Earlier I asked if he wanted to go to Mac's and he said yes once he finally did get on the bus. So we went and bought slurpees and it was pretty chill for the time being. We acted normal, like friends were. Except that some things were a little touchy. He asked for his sweater back, the one that is so incredibly comfy. The one that at one point he told me that I could have it as long as I wanted. I said yes and asked if he wanted the bracelet he gave me back, or the stuffed animal he won me at Kdays back, or the volleyball shirts he gave me back. Thats when I realized that I had too much of his stuff. Course he said "its okay, its all yours" But it didn't make me feel any better.

We went to the park and sat down, it wasn't weird because I made really small coffee talk. We saw his mom driving into Mac's so he said "Maybe she can give me a ride home" So I walked to go see her, the look on her face when she saw me with her son at the door was priceless. (She knew we had broken up) Aidan was there too, and asked if I was coming over. All three of us kind of looked around and Chris said "I don't know" and I said "No" just as quickly.

His mom agreed to drive me home, and I felt really bad and awkward about that. Chris and I still have some of our inside jokes, like when he pointed to the clock and laughed. It was '420' We always used to laugh about that. When he had to walk me to the door, he said "Okay I'll text you" and I smiled and as he walked away I said "High five?" A joke because when he was just starting to like me, I gave him a high five goodbye. But now were over, the way we started is just a memory. The things we did together are just memories. And they're gone.

Anyways I've just been so sad. I've lost my best friend. I've lost someone I really love. But part of me thinks this friend thing can really work. It's just hard seeing him still, knowing I can't hug him, I can't hold him, I can't kiss him. I can't do anything. As soon as that sets in, I might get used to it. I might get over the fact that he's not mine. He can be set free and have fun in highschool. Course it will take me alot longer to heal.

This is the part that really makes me cry and I'll probably close with it. But just over a week ago I was at Daniel's sisters 18th party and I was with Chris in the park and he said "Your amazing. Your like the girl of my frickin dreams" And Now I'm nothing.

Broken.

This is worse then ever. Chris and I broke up. Let me rephrase that. I got dumped. I'm sad, I haven't stopped crying since last night. I'll talk about it someday when I can actually talk without crying. People arn't worth it. Those who say better to have loved and lost then better to have loved at all are idiots.

Sadness growing inside!

I don't want it to end. I don't think it will. But I am so concerned with him and how he's making me feel I really am putting myself on the end of the scale that no one really would enjoy being on. It's a reoccuring trend. Chris does something, something happens. I say something, go overboard. Then I'm scared something will happen between us, and I feel stupid and the need to apologize for saying anything in the first place. He says "Its okay" Hugs me, it's all over. But still, deep down, underneath the plastic smile I feel like crying. Or dying. Or something.

I don't know what to do. I feel like screaming, jumping off a building. I feel like crying,I feel like breaking down. I feel like never going back to school, I want Chris to hug me. I want to be told that its okay. I want him to tell me he loves me, I want him to say that he knows hes made bad choices but he still cares about me and what I have to say. I want drugs to disapear. I'm slowly wrecking a relationship with someone i really care about, I am constantly feeling guilty about feeling the way I do. Like I shouldn't. I'm making him act weird towards me, I had to hear that he's this pothead through John, who I just ran into on the bus. "Chris smokes alot of weed now hey?" I don't know why, but sometimes I wonder if I'm ready for a relationship. Or if Chris is. His guy friends seem like 8000 times more important to him then I am. He doesn't tell me anything, he changes, is becoming this person Im scared of. And I don't think he cares.

I feel like saying "Maybe I shouldn't talk to you anymore. I am constantly telling you every little detail from one corner of my brain to the other. Usually you ignore it, If I cry you walk away. If im mad you shrug, If Im happy you just smile. Maybe next time I won't tell you whats going on. If I ever drink too much and pass out, you won't know. If my parents are having a huge argument and its bugging me, Iwon't tell you. If my parents tell me that I have to move to Calgary, I won't tell you. And One day I'll just be gone"

Too be honest, I feel like being that dramatic. I have tried being rational, talking with decency and acting completely normal. I have tried showing him how i really feel, wailing and all. He just stares. I have even cried until my eyes hurt in front of him, and he just stares. Says he doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know what to do. Well what am I doing wrong? How can I change without hurting myself? I'm too close to acting like I don't care. I am too close to trying to isolate myself, and pull myself away. Then I won't be hurting myself like this.

But in reality I feel like Im walking in circles. I feel like Chris is constantly thinking about the weird things I do. I always think I'm going to get dumped. I'm scared. I want answers. I don't want this happen. I don't want him to be that person, maybe he always was. Maybe I never got to know him at all. The three hundred text messages that I spent thinking out very rationally didn't help. He didn't say a thing back. I didn't anticipate him too. But now Im scared to text him...I want to beg him to say something. I want to act normal, Iwant to say "Can you please say something?" I want to cry.

I don't know what to do.

The Cheer Leading NIGHTMARE...HA I jk.

So evuryone, I had the worst weekend of life easily. Im being a little dramatic but it was full of things that I kinda of had to do. Nothing I really wanted to. I did homework while babysitting, then did absoulutely nothing on Saturday night. Chris went out with his guy friends, yes he could have chilled with me, but I do understand the bros before hoes analogy. As much as it does suck, but whatever.

Today I washed my hair the minute I woke up and complained about my dad leaving me because he basically made me breakfast because I forced him too and left. I tried to memorize my drama lines for tomorrow, and waited for my hair to dry then straightened it. (So much fun I know)

Rebecca and her mom came and got me around two, with Lisa already in the car. And Lisa and Rebecca had done their share of crazy parties this weekend, friday after the football game they had some fun, and saturday night Lisa went to this kid Brian's birthday party. So I was kind of the odd person out in some of our conversations since my weekend was like a weekend from the grandmothers diaries.

Cheer was exhausting. We worked on our dance and did more stunting. Stunting was hard because the girl Sasha who we lifted had only been a top so long ago, and hadn't done it very much so she was really kind of hard to lift and I felt like whining and crying because my spine was hurting me and my hands.

There was a parent meeting, the last half hour of practice, and my dad came early and saw the last little bit of conditioning. And he was laughing at me, at my attempted push-ups, and my v-sits. It was a little shameful. We picked up Chris on our way home and he stayed for dinner. It was nice but I;m beginning to think that I'm nuts the things that go through my head and my worries and everything. School is so hard. It's even harder that he is set on his guy friends and set on impressing them and what not. It always feels like with me he's using his homework as an excuse to get away but with them it 'feels' like he will do anything to work around it.

I need to get over it though, I can never put me before his friends but at the same time I don't want to mesh those lives together. I like his friends, some of them are my friends but they do such crazy shit and I know for a fact that Chris joins in. I just hate it, I hate getting involved and I hate knowing about it. Sometimes I just wish everyone would lie to me, and lie well.

He came over though, my dad made frickin pot roast. And then we went for a walk to this park by Afton Elementry and I got a huge bruise on my arm from the saucer swings. Then we kind of argued walking home, because Im a mega bitch. I know its me, but I sometimes wish he would just stand by the things he says and realize the things hes doing wrong like never telling me whats wrong, never listening to me when somethings wrong with me. I hate how he always changes the subject and says "I don't know what to say!" It makes me want to hit him and be like "How do my feelings make YOU Feel?" But it doesn't do much. He's just a stupid boy.

But not stupid. A boy. I feel so dumb I bought a movie on paper view, and instantly regretted it because he was enjoying it so much he didn't really want to talk during it, nor pay me much attention. So I was like getting in his face trying everything I could to get his attention and the lat 15 minutes of him being over I got his attention and felt ridiculously stupid afterwards. I was being really clingy and annoying. Sometimes I think I really need to work on me.

But I do my best. Hes gone home, his homework girlfriend awaits. (he hates when I say that, he groans and says that 'homework is important Kristen, it needs to get done!') Whatever, I know its true and I feel horrible after because in this order his life should be.
1. homework/school.
2. Bros, friends, fun.
3. Girlfriend
And I do truly believe thats what it should be. Like I know that in my heart, but I still get kind of jealous that they do come before me. Even though I know. GEEZ, I am so physco.

Anyways, I have fucking school tomorrow. I feel like crying thinking about it. I hate mondays.
Whatever.

Kristen seems to have alot to say today.

So, today was a stupid saturday. My mom's friend Kelly, and also the gorgeous woman who cuts my hair needed a babysitter for today. Because I am so poor, I agreed to sacrifice my weekend to look after her 3 year old daughter Syndey. Syndey is the most adorable girl I have ever met I have to admit. Although shes small, pale, blonde haired and blue eyed she is a pain to babysit. She hates to eat normal food, when I say normal I mean actual food. All she likes is sugar, she never eats meals but instead eats snacks throughout the whole day. She is obsessed with a little game called "CATCH ME" in her world. (Even more demanding than that) And since a girl fell on me from 10 feet up in the air at the last cheer practice my spine wasn't feeling to up to par today.

Basically she just tires me out. There are the kind of kids that can be given things and play by themselves for so long. Syd needs constant interaction, which I think is probably better than anti social kids but its hard when I'm there, being forced against her little kid whine to watch Barbie and the 12 dancing princesses, and the main character's name is Genievieve and not even Barbie. Then Meet the Robinsons, (Still quite little kid shows at this point but getting better) Then thank god I popped in Enchanted which was a perfectly fine thing for me to watch. I just sat there doing homework and talking to Sydney while she pretended that her brothers hockey stick was a pony, the back of the couch a mountain, and the little peices of paper she so gladly shredded up was money.

But....Yeah. Haha, my dad is going to his girlfriends house for dinner tonight. He probably won't be home till at least 11:30. I called Keltyn desperately trying to make plans since Chris has plans with his boys and a birthday party to attend to. He's quite the busy kid, and I am constantly feeling like I am trying massively hard to stay in his life. At the same time, I know that at the same time I just think I am falling out of his life. I did a terrible thing yesterday, like accusing him, making a huge scene. Crying, the whole works. And finding out later that what i thought: wasn't what I thought.

We went to the football game together, Shep against Jp. It was so much fun, there were tons of friends from Westminster there. Friends from Vic, From FX, and Chris from Mac of course. Shep's whole cheer team was there, I let caroline tatoo my face in the bathrooms behind the stands frantically, and watched as Chris licked the backs of his tatoos (yes Shep tatoos, Yes he goes to mac) and finding out that the spit thing actually worked.

But, I still feel terrible at the way I've been treating him. I want to turn myself around but I know it will take a good few weeks for that to happen. That would require him to stick around for a bit longer too, handling my crazy bitch ways. And from now on: I don't cry.

If he read this he'd probably laugh. One time he said to me "Your just emotional" and I hit him, but its true. I'm weird, I need to fix the waterworks. I need to not overreact. I need to let him have a life.

The cool thing is that I will get to see him tomorrow. Which is pretty sweet, hes coming over for dinner unless he backs out lol. But I won't let him. I'm becoming happier again, I just had a negative week last week I think. But I am starting to lay off my feelings, to not think about things so in depth.

One of the main things that are on my mind right now, on top of my always thinking of school, homework, and Chris, I'm thinking about a really good friend of mine. She called me at the game last night, and I answered with an "O HAI" Really gleefully, and she responded with a monotone: "Im in the hospital" She told me briefly how she Overdosed on some pills. My first thought was that she lost her mind, doing too many drugs, but then I found out it was intentional and she was trying to kill herself. The thing is, alot of people who 'try' using pills just go through alot of Physical pain and alot of the times come out okay. I was so worried, I stood with my phone glued to my ear and I remember my eyes just stopped blinking and they didn't even water and as soon as I hung up Chris started rubbing my back, and Morgan went off like a fire cracker asking me questions. I'm worried. I didn't ever think that someone I knew for so long and cared about so much would ever become suicidal.

I also went to Morgans house and we talked for quite a long time. I told her about 5000 drunk stories. Her favorite one was probably where I told her that one time I saw on Oprah that if you took an 'advil' before you go to bed you won't get hungover. So last saturday I took an advil, and I told her that I started having hallucinations while I was lying in bed. The corners of my room actually starting getting really blurry and I was really scared and felt really sick and I said to Morgan "I remember thinking: Oprah was wrong!" I can tell you she laughed pretty fucking hard and I told her that later on I figured out that Oprah said Aspirin not Advil. "Advil is an anti flamitory" Morgan said matter of factly afterwards. But don't worry, I figured it out when I started having crazy hallucinations in my room. Label on Advil said :DO NOT MIX WITH ALCOHOL. Duh Kristen. Duh.

So Gangsters, tomorrow I have Cheer from 2:30 until 4:30 and then a parent meeting until 5. My back is practically broken, my spine feels like it has been hit repeatedly with a jackhammer. when I touch my neck I wince because my neck feels like a huge bruise, and my collarbone and chest feels like I got hit with something very heavy. Plus my thumbs both feel like they are sprained. If my coach heard this complaining he would say "Get used to it" Well, I try. But I am not looking forward to conditioning tomorrow. I am hoping that the practice goes alot faster than it did on thursday. On thursday there is a top whose name is also Kristen. She's very cute and I think shes nice. She's the only other girl that really talks to Rebecca, Lisa and I. (The other girls are all in grade 12 were like the unexperianced babies). But she just started topping, never done it before. Rebecca and Lisa, never based before. Me? Never back spotted before. So we are all starting out. It was kind of shameful because Corey's good friend was trying to help us get Kristen up and we kept dropping her and the rest of the group were doing like one footed elevators and pop a cradle from extensions. And here we were dropping this poor girl all over the place. Anyways we were doing an extension, which means that instead of her feet being by our chest when we lift her, her feet actually get lifted as high as we can above our heads.

Anyway, I was struggling a bit because she was wobbling all over the place and I can't remember if Rebecca was lifting with Lisa or if Sasha was. But, I remember that one said of Kristen didn't go up far enough, and she started to fall backwards. But its even harder for me to catch a falling body when they are 13 feet up in the air. I remember seeing her bum coming towards my face and when she got even lower I wrapped my arms around her waist. Usually when a girl falls it isn't actually that scary. I know watching someone fall is like "OMG" but actually getting into it isn't that bad. But this time she was higher up than usual, and usually when I catch the girl goes down with me and lands on top of me so she's fine but Im a little battered. She landed on top of me, and I remember Rebecca saying "Wow you were like a human mattress" All the coaches said that it was a good job, it was good spotting. Yeah I was proud she was okay, but she felt really bad and I couldnt breath from the wind getting knocked out of me. It really hurt, and I still really hurt. But whatever I guess, my mom was so worried she told me that I shouldn't cheer because I could really 'injure' myself. Ha. Ha.

Anyways, I'm sore. I finished all my homework babysitting today, and I'm looking forward to some me time! Yay.

Waiting for better days.

Ive been outside with Zaina for the past little bit and my fingers are kind of swollen from the cold. I feel like I need to hold a funeral for the loss of summer. It's gone. Like, it gets dark around 7:30, its really cold and It just feels miserable outside. Or maybe its just me.

Anyways I started feeling really good today. I decided in the morning that I would let go all my crazy thoughts. That I wouldn't be so sensitive. But it all came back and bit me in the butt. Stephanie goes to school with Chris and she stopped by and said Do you know who Sarah Pringle is? Chris is ALWAYS with her. Course she doesn't know. But I'm so tired I can't even tell you. I just want it to be done with. I'm messing myself up. I'm messing everything else up. I need to get a hold on things. I have homework, but I really don't want to do it but I'm going to get to it anyways.

I found a good way to help me memorize scientific facts. I just have been drawing super heros. There is Roboman, whose actually robosome man, and he shoots out protien to defeat his foe. (You know like Robosomes in a cell produces proteins) and then there is Lym-ey and he explodes chemically destroying all the fighters around him. (Lysomes produce chemical reactions to break down materials) Im still working on the rest, but Im pretty proud of myself so far. It really helps me remember. I just need to keep doing it.

I miss Westminster so much. I remember getting there and thinking how stressful it was and the drama. But now theres more drama, and the bad news is that this time its all in my head.

NOTE: Anyone thats reading this, next time I see you give me a big hug please and thanks!

Higher Times Perhaps Kristen?

OKAY, So maybe I was being a tad emotional the last couple days. I mean, I do believe I had legit reasons. I felt so low in the dirt guys I can't even comprehend. Chris and I decided that whenever someone cries from now on ,on top of saying are you alright? were also going to say "You just totally pulled a Kristen" Yeah it's not so flattering. But I'd rather not have my boyfriend think i'm nuts and that I cry all the time. I think it's just been a lot of things. Battling myself and my own thoughts along with the things that were going on around me. I've handled too much hurt, and no thats not a complaint about life. Life hasn't given me alot of hurt, I've just turned it into negative stuff, making me feel even worse.

I know I get so close to losing myself sometimes. I just have this way of wanting to be loved. (Doesn't everyone?) But with Myself feeling so distant, Chris started to feel distant to me. And I started feeling like I was pushing everyone away. If I'm positive it doesn't give anyone else a reason to be down. So when I talked to him on the phone today, much like yesterday it was awkward the first time. This time he didn't hang up in the midst of me saying "I love you" But, I did say really quickly "I LOVE YOU" Kind of loud, and un lovingly. He kinda sounded drained but said it back. But then I talked to him on the phone later for about an hour, and I got him laughing and sounding more like my Chris and this time he jumped to say it.

I decided that if I act so depressed, and if I give myself reasons to be sad, it gives others too. Even though Daniel wouldn't think this is right I am seriously going to try and hide my feelings towards people and myself. It causes problems, sure every once and awhile I might feel like committing suicide from bottling things up but I think its a better alternative then burdening other people. For the first time in a couple weeks I see the light in the crack of the clouds. And I can feel the warmth on my face. It's getting there.

Anyways, There is a football game on friday at 5. It's Shep against JP and everyone knows they are crazy intense rivals. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm going to buy my sweats hopefully by then and have some T-Bird pride to show off. I'm dragging along my boyfriend, and Keltyn. It should be fun, I really need to let go of some demons though.

Peace Guyz.

BETCH PLEZ

Maybe one day I won't be sad anymore. Maybe one day I can walk around my school not really having anything to be worried about. I'll love my friends for the way they are rather than for what they're not. I won't spend all my time worrying about grades or what I'm doing wrong in a relationship. Maybe one day super soon I will be able to say with a genuine smile that I am truly happy.

Right now, I feel completely and utterly lost. People are changing, but in ways that are to be expected. My best friends seem to kick me when I'm down, and some of the people I trust the most have been the ones to break it and cause me pain. I feel like I'm putting my heart into everything, but I don't know where all this emotional mess is coming from.

I just hope that I settle. I think a big part of it is just school. And how its not what I thought it would be (in a negative way) It's just because I feel like I hyped it up since the first day of first grade. Like it was supposed to be this awesome experiance, but it doesn't feel like grade seven did. It feels like I've been there before. Not fun at all, I'm not meeting any new people. Instead im sticking with Lisa, Caroline and Rebecca. Talking with Lisa is great because technically she is a new friend. But Rebecca and Caroline are slowly breaking me down. Caroline is an amazing person but incredibly selfish and too much that reminds me of my mom making me so upset when she forces what she wants on other people. Rebecca is mega bitch lately. I might be crying about something and instead of being nice to me about it, she'll flat out yell at me and roll her massive eyes around her head.

I know that somethings wrong when I ditch them for James and Celeste two people I haven't been close with since elementary, but can bring my mood up in 10 minutes, when it takes the people who are supposed to be my best friends two seconds to bring me down. I found it funny today at lunch, I begged Caroline to eat lunch with me, I asked her if we could stay in the school since I had slipper shoes on and it was pouring rain. Not only did Caroline find Rebecca who I was trying to get away from, she made me walk to Westmount. Everytime something like that goes down I just feel this stinging in the back of my head about her selfishness. I took my shoes off in westmount my feet were soaking wet. Rebecca yelled at me and rolled her stupid eyes for the 800th time when I walked ahead of this stupid slow walking idiot. Too her everything is an argument, something to bitch about. I am flat out tired of it.

I think the biggest issue I have right now, just the center and core of my sadness is feeling so alone alot of the time. I really miss Chris, he's one of my best friends too and it's hard not seeing him because it's his way to act like its just a shrug.
"can we hang out either tuesday or wednesday?"
"Maybe"
"Not maybe, just promise me"
"I can't promise you. What if you die?"

Simple words from Chris that make me want to run in front of cars. I try too much sometimes. I'm kind of clingy I've decided. So no more of that. From now on, I could care less!! ...But not actually.

I just want friends. I want good friends and love and comfort and no betrayal and I don't want to cry anymore. I really think today at lunch with Celeste and James was an eye opener for me. They made me so happy and calmed down in like 3 minutes and everytime I glanced at my 'friends' I felt like getting red in the face all over again. I think to Celeste I seem like this crazy person because I put up with such friends. I tell her too many stories...

Until the next blog everyone!

THE WEEKEND

So, I'm not feeling to well. I decided that the way I've been eating isn't working for me. I eat when I can, trust me I try. It's not like im anorexic because I am most definately not. But I don't eat very much. The only things I ate before 5:00 today throughout the whole weekend was two peices of toast and some chili when I got to Chris's house yesterday. So everytime I have been eating after 5:00 my stomach is in shock and Im not feeling too well. I'm tired of being sick. throwing up this morning my mom thought I caught the flu when I was actually hungover. Fun.

Anyways this weekend's been weird, I've never cried so much in my entire life. I've never had so much fun in my entire life. I've never been so surprised by myself in my entire life. I've never been this big of a slut in my entire life. I've never felt like puking so much in my entire life. I've never been so sad in my entire life. I've never been so jealous of anyone in my entire life.

Alot of the time I really don't know what to do with myself. I cried so much I felt like this massive burden, I felt so annoying and pathetic crying on saturday night at daniel's sisters 18th birthday party. It was basically because of nothing, I blame Chris for things everyday and hate him for it. It's probably because I spend so much time trying to get him to see where Im coming from but he doesnt try to let me in on his feelings. He just plainly has nothing to say. All I can say is that if I ever see Sarah Pringles face in my life I will throw myself in front of very fast moving traffic.

And you don't have to know who that is. Because its irrelvant. What is releveant is that in drama tomorrow Elly is going to be talking like a rocket about how she got drunk with Chris. She's going to be running at the mouth about the fun that Sarah had. I'm going to want to shoot myself. I have to brace myself for tomorrow. I don't want to go to school so badly I can't even explain it to you.

But I love my boyfriend. I'm slightly heart broken. I'm slightly exhausted. I don't want to sleep. I want to read and stay up late, I want to sleep in tomorrow and I DONT WANT TO THROW UP ANYMORE!

This is such a rant. I can just picture the confused look on peoples face as they read this. On a last note, towards Dustin. MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY. Chris would laugh if he read that, so would fiona. OH


P.S Fiona was the most supportive person last night. I have been spending a really long time looking for someone like that to care about me and want that much for me to be happy. Not even Chris has been that backfall for me lately, since he's the one i've been crying over. The rest of my friends have been busy with life. I'm not in the fast lane. And I'm seriously scared about school, I did my homework today and barely tried at all.

Well, Bye.

MY FRIENDS ARE LOVE.

Lol I was reading my past blogs today, and I had a good laugh. I sound like such a downer, a permanant negative person. I'm really not. Usually when I blog, it's when my emotions are feeling rather extreme. Like anger, which seems to be showing up more often. (not that I'm always angry, because I'm really not) I'm waiting for the day when people do actually start reading my entries, and see what I'm writing about them. Because I think Chris might kinda be like oh...because I never mentioned the bajillion things I love about him, I never blog about how sweet Caroline is or how understanding Rebecca can be. The good things severely outweigh the bad in all of my friends, and there is so much good in them it wouldn't fit in one blog. So this blog is dedicated to explaining alot of important people in my life, because rarely do I ever mention the good.

Well for one, Rebecca has been my close friend since grade seven. She's always been super supportive of me, and she's the only one that doesn't yell or judge me when I do something I shouldn't have. She's very understanding that way. She is good at listening when shes in the mood, and it's good to tell her things knowing that I have her full attention. Most of the time... ;)

With Caroline I have massive bursts of love for her alot of the time. Sometimes it's massive bursts of frusteration, but not as much as the love. She calls me sweetie when i'm sad, she's worried about my well being and calls me if something goes wrong. And she confides in me, and tells me she loves me. She can be very motherly. She makes the best pancakes too.

And Chris is just amazing. I could leave it at that, but I won't. First he is one of like three people that can actually calm me down. He rubs my back, tells me things that make me calm down and see what I'm doing in a clearer way. He's really supportive, and If I'm excited about something hes excited about it. He fully listens to me, even if hes extremely bored with what I'm saying, he acts like hes paying attention anyways. He's one of my best friends, I just have alot to tell him and he is a bottomless pit of listening. When I'm worried about things he smiles and tries his best to reassure me.

Lisa and I just became good friends the last-ish week of summer. We'd casually talked but now I see shes really cute and funny, and if I tell her a problem she completely gets into it, like shes me. If I'm pissed at someone she says "I really can't believe that!" And makes me feel incredibly important.

Wow I want to talk about so many people, but it will just end up being an 8 page long blog. I can't forget Daniel, because he's always been there. I should mention Emma because she loves me and cares about me. There are a ton of people, and I;m not a negative nelly!

Well I'm watching camp rock guys, YE! peace!

I AM GOING TO EXPLODE!

AUGHHHH! O RLY?! I feel like I'm on this time bomb. And every little notch that goes wrong, sets the time it blows even lower. Lower. Lower. Until maybe one day I might just spontainiously combust. One of the choreographers at Legends might be happy to hear that, she's always telling us to 'explode' our jumps. First off, there is something internally wrong with me. Like, I full out believe that I have a messed up backwards feeling in my mind that is causing me to lose my head.

First off, I am a great example of the superior womanly mind. Not because I am smart, beautiful, good at mulitasking or any of those things. But because I make no fucking sense and when I anylize everything I'd done or did, I feel really stupid and terrible after but my feelings catch up to me everytime and I can't help it. It will one day be the thing that drives all my friends away, and other people close to me.

First off, I openly have discovered that I always want to hear things the way I want to hear them. I brace myself for things constantly but it never works and I always end up feeling defeated. I'm a massive hypocrite, a great example of Cognative Dissidence, saying one thing doing another. Vice Versa. I always say things regarding other 'things' that I despise, talking about it like its funny, interesting, whatever. But the minute someone I care about talks about it too, I freeze up. It's like in my head I'm thinking "its okay for me to make jokes about it. I can build that wall in time as I say these things. But when you say them, its like a blow to the face. I wish you would say the opposite what I'd said just to make me feel better." Now tell me how much sense that makes!

For example, with the stupid weed thing. I am ready to hurtle myself over a very high bridge because I am tired of the annoyance I am causing people and the pain i'm causing myself. I was talking to Chris today about it and I was like "haha yeah that one time I did it my eyes didn't turn red" And like, I wanted to smack myself the instant I said it because I pulled an Adam. (saying something as an afficiado of something but its something retarded like drugs) I felt so dumb and I was kinda like ugh. And then Chris said "I have a really bad eye problem, this one time I got in the car with Daniel and his mom..." And do you know what I did ladies and gentlemen?

I froze. I do it to him everytime and he's always kind of like what? I guess part of it is that I don't see him in that way, it's like getting told that your best friend is actually a mass murderer. Not as extreme but its an alright comparision. And the thing is, I don';t want to see him that way. I don't want to give in to the fact that yeah maybe he's made some bad choices. Course he doesn't think they are bad choices and he can live with himself whereas I want to bash my head into a wall but you know what I mean. The next few blocks we walked home I walked super fast, and anyone that knows Chris knows he casuaully takes his time walking because he's chill like that. I just booked it ahead of him, if my eyes had been capable I would be doing REM wide awake.

I felt like a frickin scatterbrain. I wanted to cry, although duh I knew that he had done it, but everytime he says something about it I am brought back to the aspect that people change and of course when I first started liking Chris all those times ago he was a really chill guy who hadn't done anything his mom would disapprove of. I admit thats who I want him to be because I feel comfortable, and shielded. I also know: Thats not who he wants to be.

And it's not right for me to live in the past, wanting him to be something or someone he doesn't want to. Of course when I'm upset I get into the state of mind like "Kristen he does weed just deal with it. He drinks and he is going to have scary friends" And then I hit myself. I need to give him more credit. But its like my autopilot, my terrified-shitless instinct. And I wish I could turn it off. I find myself talking inside my head about these things, because I know its just me being terrified, not being able to communicate anything with him because I don't want him to feel like I'm coming up with these things out of nowhere when being a prick and icing him isn't much better.

Anyways, I just had this realization because there was a party involving friends from his new school tonight and his parents didn't allow him to go. Apparently he biked over there and had a few shots and came home. Again I feel like I've just been poured acid on my head. I need to learn to expect these things, I always say retarded things to him like "haha its because I don't care anymore" but I really do care, and things DO still shock me. Although I wish they didn't, I would have alot more of a peaceful existance. All I am doing is causing him to be confused. I know that inside I am the same person that I was 4 years ago. Course then I would bawl hysterically when someone did weed, (Im still pretty close to that), I would turn white as a sheet when someone mentioned alchohol, and making out with a boy was right up there with sex.

But I still know my morals, I know drinking is wrong, smoking is wrong. Sure i've done it, but I didn't let it change me or who I am. And I don't plan on it. I have my head on pretty straight I like to think, and as long as the road of my life doesn't get too clouded over with crap, and I don't start thinking weed is 'okay' , I'll be fine along the way. It just scares me when people I love to the moon and back tell me that weed isn't a bad thing. Drinking isnt a bad thing. Because I want everyone to say what I want them to. I want people to know what I'm thinking and say what I want them to. But I cant control anyone and it will never happen.

As for me, I am a hypocrite but I can't help my physco bitch ways. all I can do is try and talk to him about it, because I hate when fireworks are going off inside me, and waterworks at the same time and all I can say to him when he asks me whats up is "I'm Fine" In a really monotone voice. Because I can't expect him to jump up to me, wrap his arms around me and tell me he knows everything is wrong but its part of growing up. I can't expect him to see things like that. This goes for all my friends too, they are the same people I love who they are. Growing up is scary buisness with alot of peer pressure whether Chris agrees with me or not, but its alot of stress but alot of the time like my dad always says "Kristen, these are the definining years. All your friends are trying to find themselves" and I need to trust that they can do that on their own, but with my occasionally by their side. Not to shit my pants because I can tell the difference betweens the ones it will change and the ones that won't. and I am pretty sure I don't need to be worried about Chris becoming a pothead, drinking every weekend and cheating on me. I am like 99 percent sure about that.

I just need to fix me before I wreck my friendships.
I sound like my world is ending but its not, I love my boyfriend, my friends and family. I just need to not be so physco.

And work on me, it's not about them. People grow up and experiment, and its part of life.
We can do it together guys!

I Shouldn't be making a public announcement about my personal problems!

I hate mathematics. Yes my first math class of the year my teacher Ms. Martin said "from now on, lets not say we hate Math but rather that we highly dislike it" I have already decided that shes crazy for a couple reasons. One, is that in Junior high you felt like they cared about the direction of your life, where clearly Ms. Martin doesn't. As well the teachers at Westmin had to act proffessional and smart and what not, Ms. Martin says shit on average 6 times a class.

I'm kind of frusterated because I am incredibly bored. I resorted to doing extra math homework, because Ms. Martin clearly stated that if you want good marks in her class extra homework would make sense. I hate school sometimes. I've used this analogy before but I feel like I'm on auto pilot. I apologize for getting on a rant but I am tired of growing up. I am tired of the changes that keep happening because lately I've been feeling so numb to the changes going on that it's like nothing phases me much. I thought Highschool would be this terrifying but exciting change that would bring me alot of action and fun for the first few months. But too be honest I'm bored.

I miss Keltyn, shes having fun in Vic and going artsy and trendy on me. I miss Morgan and she's at Fx surrounded by hot guys and meeting tons of new people. I miss seeing Chris at school and just seeing him on the bus. Today we ran into Adam, I get off at the Macs by Chris's house and transfer busses, but it was cool seeing him. We have sort of kept in touch, texting and what not, but it was nice to see him although his stories involved 19 year old boys at his work, and other non Pg rated things.

Good news is that I have seen Chris everyday this week. It's funny because at the same time I want to see more of him but I know eventually it will become too much. But its good, we had a good talk at the bus stop today. Im so much better with talking about things that upset me when I'm not upset. I learned that if I;m ever pissed, upset, or heart broken about something I have to learn to bite my tongue, cry it out for a couple days or weeks and eventually I will be able to gather my thoughts and make sense of what I want to say.

Yeah I know, I totally lost you there. But in the summertime I had this explosion of emotions over people I knew and loved doing drugs. I handled it like a bitch to put it bluntly. I cried everyday for like two weeks. No one really said anything to cheer me up because they didn't know what was going on with me and Chris just avoided the subject. yeah sure I wish he would say "I know its wrong, I did it because it was something I wanted to try and it's not going to become something I'm going to do" But I made him tell me that once when I was hysterical and as happy as it made me at the moment, I know that he still doesn't think its bad and I know that as much as he can tell me what I want to hear, it might not be what he actually thinks.

But I can't go backwards and think about the horrors of my summer. It's in the past, for good I hope. I have an exciting weekend coming up, ever since summer has ended, and the days of doing nothing have left with it, I have packed my weekends trying to see as many people at once as I can from different schools. (Former Westmin Kids ;) Friday I'm going to something or other palooza at Morgans school. I want to see her so I guess we can be doing that. Saturday evening Daniel's older sister is having her traditional 18th birthday and apparently its going to be really fun and interesting with the whole philipino ordeal. I might see Chris during the day but I don't know. Sunday I have cheer as well as tomorrow (bleg) and Im going out for dinner sunday night with Chris because we've been dating 3 months sunday! Woo we own. :) LOL but as usual by the end of my blog I start seeing stars and talking about things repetatively, and forgetting my point.

So peace out.

DONTCHU ROLL YOUR EYEZ AT MUH

There's something amazing about firsts. There's something amazing about change and realization. I've become so zen these days. School is such a blind eye kind of thing. I'm just trudging along, it's boring, its required. It's weird most of all. I haven't payed any attention to boys, I haven't payed any attention to making new friends. There are Westminster kids everywhere. It's just so...weird. There is no other way to describe how I feel. Somedays I feel like Shep really isn't for me because I wonder what's going on with people at Jp, or Vic. I wonder if they are as bored but content with life as I am. It's all so expected and repeatative.

Anyways I saw Chris alot today. I figured out how to get home quick after school and it involves Chris's bus so thats cool getting to see him. He came over after school and we hung out and spied on Jasper Place's turf. it was fun. lol I don';t have alot to say about that, that I can on the internet. We never fight but we have annoying disagreements and it usually ends in one of us rolling our eyes. BUT OH WELLZ, He es my best friend.

I have lost my train of thought. Peace!

We all get lost.

I used to wish that I knew the future. That everything i'd ever dangled in front of me, anything i'd ever aspired to have or wanted to be would be in my view. I would know when I would fail, I would know when I would succeed. I used to always think that knowing how a relationship would turn out would help me immensly. I would pretend that I knew the future, trying imagine what I would do depending on the outcome.

But then I realized something. That would change the way I lived. I wouldn't ever take chances, I wouldn't try to get into a relationship with someone knowing it would someday fail. I wouldn't have ever gotten myself involved with alot of people that as much as they might have hurt me tey've helped me. I wouldn't have started to like Tanner in grade seven and had my first eye opener relationship, I wouldn't have tried to ever kiss Chris because i would have known that the first time I kissed him I missed his face. Life would be dull, boring and expected. I would live in a shell of worry and prediction and I wouldn't be the person that I am or want to be.

I just had a quick brief moment of wishing that I knew the outcome of grade ten. I'm curious about my grades, because I want to do well so badly but today I got off to a rough start, I completed an LA definitions exam and I am pretty sure I didn't do well on that since the girl Kenya who marked it said "You didn't do too awesome on your definitions" and then cracked a smile.

On several questions on my math exam I would guess the answer, or I would work with the suggestions they gave me working backwards to try and find the answer which your never supposed to do in math. But I after that I've decided and uncovered that studying in highschool is required.

Im just so nai've about everything. I want to know that everything will turn out okay.

i've had an interesting past couple of days. I had a sleepover with a few of my best friends, I went to Chris' house for dinner and climbed this cliff by the river valley in the dark. I also took the wrong bus home, and ended up somewhere random. It won't happen again I hope.

Well, I have about a million and five things to talk about. But I won't. Peace guys.

Sudden Realization

I just had a realization that brought a smile to my face.
Not Alot has changed since summer.
So it sounds kinda stupid because yeah Im at a new school, I have met new people and I don't see Chris as often as I'd like, But...I have been hanging out with people on a regular basis, still talking to alot of people from Westmin and keeping in touch still knowing whats going on in their lives.

And I love it. I miss alot of people to the moon and back, but I like reminscing on summer and thinking about how it really wasn't that long ago and how I am still keeping in touch with the people. I talk to Daniel everyday-ish, and I talk to Chris everyday except for this weekend because he's camping. I'm just happy about it.
Thats my realization. Lol..had to share..

What a lovely friday...

So yesterday was not my brightest day. For example, Jesse and Elly were missing in our Drama group so we were the only group that wasn't able to present. The day seemed too long, Science was ridiculous with a subsitute that could barely speak english much less teach a class.

Anyways afterschool I had a hair apppointment. It was a terrible after school. I saw Chris on the bus going home and it was kinda weird like wooden conversations and what not I was kinda bummed walking home and it started to rain on me and I started crying because I was pissed off at the weather, I just felt sad. I remember thinking in my head how well the weather matched up with my mood as I cried walking home in the rain. Pathetic or what?

I got home, and I was like "Well, it doesn't matter because I am going to that movie tonight with Chris and Daniel and the guys and I'll have a good time and my hair will be all done" I got home and I texted daniel asking him when the movie was, and he moved the time till 7:15 because he couldn't be outlate because he had a game the next day at 9 in the morning. Which really pissed me off since Chris stayed at Daniels till like 12:30.

Whatever, I was very stressed yesterday. I started packing for my dads and had a meltdown because I lose everything in the packing process including my ipod. I went to get my hair cut with tears streaming down my face it wasn't good to put it gently. I forgot my wallet in my locker which was the only way I could pay for my hair dye, so my dad was super annoyed with me and we had to drive to Shep at 6 so I could grab my locker.

AND THE HAIRCUT WAS LIKE 130 DOLLARS!

:(

The 9/11

So anyways today was the 7 year anniversiary of September 11th, in 2001. It was weird today. It wasn't like the school was any less busy, or the kids any less rowdy. It just kind of sat in the back of all our heads I think. My language arts teacher kind of took a brief moment to steer off her lesson plan and started recalling the morning of the attacks and how her students had a moment of silence in the gymnasium. I started thinking of the 9/11 and it's weird because I was in grade three when it happened. I remember Mrs. Lynn was my grade three teacher and all of us were sitting in the back corner of her pink room as she was reading us a chapter of the same novel as she did every morning. The announcements came on for a brief moment and the principle sounded upset, and we all knew something was going on because Mrs. Lynn started crying. Before school Mr.Earl had grabbed all the Tv's out of the computer Lab and set them up in all the bootrooms and in the hallways and all of us watched in horror because we didn't really know what was going on. It wasn't like we were completely Naive because we got the notice that airplanes had hit into two large towers in New York city, but we wern't aware that the rest of the teachers and many people in the city had started fearing for their lives. A 'whats next?' kind of thing.

The strange thing is, that even up here in Edmonton people cried all day and were all so shocked about it because it was so horrific and terrible. Still when I think about it to this day I try my best to picture the hell these people went through just to die. I had a time where I watched tons of videos about September 11th and did so much research on my own and I remember crying once listening to the actual recording of a man who called 911 from the building begging for help and then the building collapsed.

Terrible. I shudder thinking about it, and I get this over welming feeling of sympathy plus anger towards the terroists and the people who are responsible for this.

Tonight I'm going to this auditorium downtown to tryout for the Legends Cheer Team. Apparently its really easy and they will take anyone but we'll see about that. It's like 20 bucks to get in too which is ridiculous.

Hmm what else? Nothing really. We had a massive assembly today. It was big. Lol thats about it.

On one final note, I MISS CHRIS and he has to go camping this weekend. I are sad.

No...Cereal?

Today in science as I was trying to listen to Mr.Cochrane and his really interesting lecture about microscopes, Clay started dissing me about one of my blogs. More specifically my blog about Johnny Cash's song 'Hurt'. Yes, thank you Clay I figured out that it wasn't 'written' by Johnny Cash. I told him defensively that "the reason I didn't fix it and I have spelling errors is because I'm too busy writing in a frenzy" and so my friend Alyssa turned around and said "I put alot of thought into my blogs, I love my
blogs"

Well, I want to delcare something to my five readers. I put tons of thought into my blogs, and I love my blogs for being random and spiteful and really strange because its a reflection of me and how I think. If I sat there, thinking of everything I was writing it would come out kind of contrived. In my opinion anyways. And I am speaking in koodlez to me. Not to Alyssa because her blogs work well with some thought injected into them...mine....not so much.

Anyways school is turning into an old excitement now I don't feel like talking about my classes anymore lol. I had a stupid orthodonist appoitment today, and my teeth are hurting me so badly. I had soup for dinner and icecream for dessert. Also, I'm trying out for the Legends Cheer team tomorrow lol. Only if Lisa does that is. It's an outside of school cheer team and apparently they are desperate for members. After school I went to Emmas since its on the way home from school. I got to her house before she did, and laid down on the trampoline doing my math homework while her step dad gardened until she got there.

I'm currently kind of upset because I've been anticipating the weekend for the entire week and now that its coming Chris won't even be around because his parents are dragging him camping in September. I am beyond upset i can't even imagine how he feels. I think its ridiculous that they banned him from any plans after school because he needed to focus on schoolwork, and by saying "The weekend is for Kristen" And then taking him away is beyond ridiculous. I'm more worried about he feels. I sent him a four page text trying my best to say something that would make a difference in the way he felt and he just wrote back a short thank you and that he was going for a walk. I semi begged for him to call me but I guess he already went for his walk. So now im sad because I want to hear from him and try my best to say something positive. I miss him.

Awez Life is tough, boohoo

"Kristen will go into autopilot now:

No it's true. The days fly by me while my eyes are closed. It's weird not knowing the future. It's weird thinking of being in Shep for the next three years. It's super weird that its still relatively summerish outside and that everytime I get home from school it feels like it's still summer and that anyday now we will be out again but we won't. It's so crazy to look out my bedroom window at 8 and see the sun disapearing behind the horizon, and the leaves on the tree outside my window very quickly turning yellow.

It's even crazier thinking back to summer and missing it as much as I do. I wasted alot of time in the summer, we just farted around (yes I said farted around), all summer and had parties and gatherings and sleepovers and parties and gatherings and sleepovers. It was great but the whole time in the back of my mind I knew it was running out. Now I think of the day at Laurier, the first day of summer and how happy and free I felt. I could have just wet myself with joy. Yes its a gross term to use, but it was so relaxing and crazy to feel so free.

Now I feel like every fucking person I meet has been put there to hold me back or to put some sort of limit on my life. I realize that sounds extremely negative but unlike what I've always thought I have made very few friends in these past few days, and I haven't had alot of excitement. Even the first day of School was boring. It was new and different but no one welcomed me and no one cared. Like, I'm extremely bored of school...and I've only attended shep for 6 days...

I had volleyball tryouts again today afterschool. I was starting to get used to the obsessive sweating and physcotic drills. Then I got cut. Yeah I kind of saw it coming. I was owning at certain things but my serves were shit yet again. And they always missed my best moments. But I kind of got over it I was sweaty and I wasn't really crazy about the idea of coming another day until 5:30 to get cut the next day. (yes that was my attitude)

I did really want to make it though. Don't get me wrong, I had my head in it and I started feeling like I was just as good as the other girls. Then I got proven wrong but whatever. I had alot of fun with it, and I learned a few things especially with my late night practice with stephanie at the park.

Chris came over tonight and the first thing my mom said to his dad when he came to get him was "yeah she got cut from volleyball" and I wanted to say "You don't say that to a man whose entire family plays volleyball and both his sons are on the senior team! that sounds so pathetic!" But what can you do? I had fun thats all that counts.

Anyways Chris' mom decided that tonight was the last night he can see anyone during the school week. I feel like jumping off a building. The only thing that helps me get through a school week, or even a day is knowing that there is some small chance that I might see Dafoe sometime during the week. It's like agony seeing the couples around my school or having something happen and wanting him to be next to me so I can turn and tell him so we can laugh about it. Like this morning when I was booking it for the bus with Rebecca and we missed it completely and two seconds later Lisa texts me saying "You fuckin missed it" and rebecca and I just burst out laughing and got on some other random bus.

But I did see Dafoe tonight so it's all good. It goes WAY to fast. One minute were listening to music, talking about school, cuddling and then I tell him a story about Caroline and it's 9:00 already. Its gayer than gay can get especially since I wanted to go to Grovenor Park tonight and watch the sunset from the playground but it was pouring rain the entire time...I just loved seeing him though he was in a bad mood because of Mummeds recent rule. I tried my best to cheer him up though.

So hopefully I will see him before the weekend but its dumb and it's hazy and uncertain. Tomorrow is Wednesday already and I am so incredibly happy that I get to go home with the rest of the pack and I will get home earlier than 6:00 and that I have an orthodonist apoitment and I get to miss Gym Class. And I don't have math so it will be quite teh short day.

Hallelujah praise the lord. Drama was also alot of fun today because we found out that the weird and annoying grade twelve boys in our class arn't actually annoying but simply just weird. They're nice guys too and we started planning our improv peice. yes its called improv and were planning it. LOLZ

But I'm going to Peace now since its 10 and kristen needs her beauty sleep...gay.

This is what it feels like to Die. :|

When I say this is what it feels like to die, I don't mess around. Note the straight facial expression. Today was crazy, hectic but overall I was proud of myself and my accomplishments.

I had a normal day at Sheppard School :), it was full of its usual moments. I'm slowly making new friends like I mentioned on friday I believe...or thursday. Gym was alot of fun, we practiced volleyball stuff for anyone who was trying out after school, namely myself. My Phys Ed teacher Mrs. Youngs is the nicest woman I have ever met for a gym teacher. I can see her becoming kind of tough, like doing alot of running and physical activity. (In gym? Duh!)

She said the most motivational speech I have ever heard and I wish I could recall it better than I do. She said things like "Don't let anyone tell you, that you can't do it. There is no such thing as being bad at a sport, you just need to learn. For this team its a big learning step and we are looking for people with a big heart, and the skills just go along with it"

I could have kissed the ground underneath that womans feet. I was so scared for volleyball today. Too be honest I didn't think I would make it, I didn't think that I would do well, and I thought it would be chill and just something fun to do and something to be proud of.

Well, 2 out of 5 isn't so bad. I didn't need to be scared. Well, sort of. There were 70 girls that came out and we had to split the gym in half because the boys had senior tryouts on the other side of the massive wall divider thingy. Alot of my friends tried out with me because they thought it would be fun and a good thing to give a shot. Too be honest, for a short time I was really regretting my decision for showing up. I wore spandex and a shep volleyball t-shirt, I looked like I actually knew what I was doing. Which might have been a bad choice because they looked at you harder trying to decide if you had ever played before. The girls there were pretty good, better than me I thought. They had better control and better setting.

I suck at setting. And, any volleyball player would have a good laugh because I also suck at overhand serves, which most self respecting volley-ers are good at. I hated myself lets just put it that way. There were so many girls, my eyes glazed over after all the drills I just expected them. A few girls were almost shocked that she told us we had to do sucides and in between we would be doing pushups and situps. I didn't complain or go wide eyed because I kind of expected this coach woman to pull that.

Alot of the drills sucked though I have to say. We did like stretching excersises and warm ups across our 'half' gym. And I was sweating and panting and red in the face but surprisingly my energy level didn't disapear at all. I felt like I was putting on a show and I really needed good reviews.

When we were practicing outside on Shep's lawn all the grade twelve students were leaving in cars and laughing at us in our little spandex running around the lawn. I seriously regret now not getting into anything in Junior high. I could have easily made a team but I decided to just be a lazy but when now I could actually be something.

Anyways the Assistant Coach watched the warmups and practices Rebecca, Lisa and I were doing and everytime she came around she caught our worses passes and sets possible and the minute she would turn her back we would all do an owning dive into the grass (Which gave me nice hives since I'm allergic to grass), or we would do a beautiful set.

We had to do a 10 girl evaluation where we did hit drills, (Spikes) and I did really good because I'm beastly tall so it wasnt hard for me to smash the ball over the net. I fail at serves for some reason, even my underhands were not co operating and my over hands just....yeah lets not go there.

When it was over the woman cut 30 or 40 girls and the rest of us were to come back tomorrow after school. Weirdly enough I made the first cut and not only am I shocked I'm scared because now that I made this cut I kind of want to make the team, but at the same time if I do I'm going to feel like I really have to live up to my teams standards and bring my A-game. But I don't know, i'm really inconsitant in volleyball I decided.

I didn't get home until 6:00 either. So it's going to be dejavu tomorrow. I went to Grovenors park tonight at sunset with stephanie to try some hits and sets. She just laughed at me. I don't feel that I have very good chances, and I'm kind of scared of going because the Coach said "Tomorrow I will be looking at you more closely"

Good news is, that when I was practicing with Stephanie she gave me a couple good pointers. None to really alter my performance that much but to help me a little. I'm just stressed about my serves because I know I can do better I just...arn't. And serves are kinda important in volleyball. The way the Coach is setting it up is she is keeping 16 who get to go to the tournament this weekend and then after the tournie she cuts 4. Which is terrible, I am terrified that I will make the top 16 and have to play a tournie and not have my serves mastered and embaress myself in front of a crowd and up against an actual school. But its only tuesday so if that does happen I will have three days to try.

(Although someone who can't serve most likely won't make a team)
I hate life at the moment. I'm kinda stressed.

Bleh.

I have issues with Sports related things!

I really, reallyreallyreallyreally don't think I should try out for volleyball. I made the mistake of bringing it up to Chris, who brought it up tonight at Daniel's house to Adam and Daniel. This of course was after Daniel and Chris bashed volleyball players they know for about 20 minutes.

"Yeah that guy grant shouldn't have made the team he sticks his arms out when he goes for a spike" or something about this guy whose really good but has shitty passing techniques, or the guy who is a bad setter. The list goes on. And I was sitting there, horrified that they were being so judgemental because I want to tryout simply for the sake of knowing that I gave it a shot. Even though, I know that I haven't been playing volleyball for three years like alot of these kids. Also, if by some weird chance of nature I had made the team, if Chris ever saw me play I would get ripped to shreds.

So after their long talk about people failing at volleyball, their techniques or even that they get around to court to slow I announced I wasn't trying out and right away Chris goes "I think you should" and Daniel was basically ordering me too. And Adam just sat there saying "Do it"

So thats great, because not only do I have a boyfriend who kicks ass at sports and is on a Senior fucking team as he enters grade 10 at a new school, I also have to face a whole bunch of girls who have been doing this for a long time when my main objective was to have fun. Chris said to me "Well its kind of a joke for you" I felt SUPER bad because all I want to do is have fun and play some volleyball because P.S. I love volleyball so much Im just not that skilled although its a wicked fun game.

If I happen to make it it will be a bonus because then I won't have to say "Yeah, OBVIOUSLY, I didn't make it" That would be embaressing...

But because of my new time schedule and my body clock I am exhausted and its midnight so I'm going to tata off to bed.

TEE TEE WHY EL HOMEZ

Golden World

AH! The world is so beautiful in the fall. Not that I prefer it over summer. Even though I do only for a few short weeks. I just got back from taking my dog for a walk and it's like the world is covered in a transparent golden sheet. The leaves are starting to turn their colors, which I have to say I kind of dislike but whatever. The sun is warm but not sweltering like just a couple weeks ago. Everything smells nice, and everything reminds me of Halloween. I hate weekends though. Yeah that sounds really weird and not very understandable but I hate them because they are so short.

I'm having a crisis with my plans right now. They are this=I had plans with Daniel today around 2:00. So morgan slept over last night and went home around 2, because Daniel told me he couldn't hang out till 6:30. At the time Rebecca called me to ask if I wanted to go to this thing at Hawerlak park with her and Lisa, Caroline, Tim, Ryan and whoever else. And I said yeah but I wanted Daniel to come because I don't see him everyday since he goes to JP now. And she got really defensive saying she wanted a girls night and I also asked if Chris could come although I haven;t been able to get ahold of him at all. And she said "Well then it will all be couples" Which I didn't understand since Tim and Caroline are already coming. And that daniel is being a douche...so he shouldn't come, and that she can see my obvious priority. Yeah, it is a priority since I see Rebecca and Lisa and Caroline everyday, as much as I love em, I really want to see my guy friends too.

ANYWAYS, I felt bad inviting people along so I said "Well can we maybe hang out later, I really want to see these guys so maybe another time" and she went "UGH fine they can come, okay?" So now that Daniel is coming at 7:30 instead of 6:00 since his times changed AGAIN, my evening is becoming harder and harder to plan. I do want to go with Lisa and Rebecca and whatever, but I want to see Daniel who happens to be really hard to make plans with because the time he says usually ends up being at least 2 hours later than it originally was. And I still am determined that Chris will contact me because I miss him like crazy and I wanted to go to his volleyball games but he didn't 'reccomend' it because it was so early. So I don't know where he fits in these plans because I do want him to come and I want to see him. But hes unpredictable, and I'm sad.

That's my day. LOL @ Me.
I fail.

Day Three...When's Summer time?

"walking like a one man army" I love John Mayer. Like, I don't love him because I read the mags and he strikes me as a man whore. I mean, I can't judge but I have my own beliefs...Today was really short. Surprisingly. I enjoyed how short it felt. I kind of wish I had math and Gym on the same day that way I could have a really good every 'other' day. Gym class today was definately retarded. We walked all around the campus, and half the time the teachers didn't say anything, it was just for the sake of walking around. I kind of caught a glimpse of how they think. They just want us to get excersise.

At lunch Rebecca and Lisa and I headed over to Westmount. I am actually surprised at the Campus of Shep and how convienient it is. There is a pool right next door, with a pointy ceiling, and a hockey indoor rink across the back door parking lot. And a football field. They even have a random rugby field and cricket carpets in the field. I like it. I am prevailing on to feeling really old in highschool. Going into grade 10 I compared it to grade seven like all summer. Thinking that I would get lost, I would forget teachers names, I would forget peoples names, I would be really excited but only have a few friends. FACT: This isn't grade seven. FACT: the building is super easy to figure out. Those grade twelves who have spent their time swearing and saying how gay we are for not being able to find our way around, I have been the bearer of telling people where to go these last few days. FACT: I think I have every teachers name memorized, minus a few. Mrs. Youngs is my Gym teacher, Mr. Cochrane is my sciene teacher, Mrs. Pavaoni (Don't know how to spell it) is my spanish teacher, Miss Martin is my math teacher, Ms. Clarke is my Language arts teacher and Mrs. Forde is my drama. Wow, that was all memory. I even remembered if they were a Miss, Mrs, Ms, Or Mr. Yeah!

Another FACT: I still have all the friends from grades 7,8 and 9. Today in Science I felt like I was on top of the world. I sat in the side row closest to the window so I could stare out into the courtyard surrounded by shep and bricks. Lisa sat in front of me, then Clay and Alyssa. And Marissa was behind me then Amber and Marissa was beside Tijana. And we were all talking during science, laughing and talking more and the teacher goes "Do you guys know each other?" And tijana goes "Yeah we all do" And he said "What school did you come from?" "Westminster" and he stops and thinks and then says "Who all here came from westmin?" and half the class put up their hands. And I was so thankful, I've hated feeling so nameless and worthless these last few days. It's nice walking down the hallways seeing some familiar people and waving.

ANYWAYS, I have freakin Math tomorrow. I'm really scared lol. I finished writing my Essay for Language Arts. It doesnt make alot of sense, and I ramble. I'm also worried about that. The one thing I massively hate is not knowing my teachers and their habits. Suh for example liked neat work, and if you missed a class or you didn't complete homework she loved when you emailed her ahead of time. But, if you did it to often she doubted you. She was very understanding andshe never yelled. I just knew my teachers likes and dislikes apart.

On a side note, Chris made the senior volleyball team at Mac! I'm so proud of him, when he first told me he was trying out and that he wasnt even sure he'd make it I just smiled because I knew he would. Part of me didn't want him to because I won't see him to often, but its his passion I want him making the best of highschool. Duh! I want to try out for something, but only to say I did so I don't look like an untalented loser. I was comparing myself to Chris today when all of a sudden I was like 'bing' sports are his thing. It's not like I'm talent-less. I play the guitar and I love to sing and I write songs all the time and I love reading and writing in general. Of course these talents are hidden and I don't want him to feel like I'm talentless, but at the same time I kinda don't want to try out for stuff I am like 75 percent sure I won't get on.

I MIGHT tryout for basketball. Juniors of course. All grade tens, which calms me down a little bit. We'll see. :)

PEACE

Highschool Diaries, Day two man! We survived!

So friends and teenagers alike. I have survived my second day of highschool. Oddly enough, it's really not that hard to get around and I am already feeling comfortable and it's the second day. I am hoping that within the next month I feel like I have found my missing peice, and I fit easily into the highschool puzzle. Because I can tell you that yesterday was terrible, I felt like I was in a prison where nobody knew me, and I was just there to get by. It was tragically boring.

So I figured out the School Special, with my devious skills. As it turns, taking the 117 was a failure at life and I basically wasted my time taking two busses in the morning. Good news, is that Chris got on my bus this morning. And everytime he takes the bus with me, whether it be him getting on a bus to meet me at the mall, I let this smile creep up on my face that stretches across to my ears and everyone on the bus it sort of like..."what the fuck" I got to talk to him, and it was nice sitting on the bus during sun rise. I've always liked once I actually get on the bus in the mornings because they are so quiet except the soft buzz of the few people who knew each other.

Anyways the day was alot like a printout of yesterday. The only difference is that I had a way better lunch walking around with Taylor, Caroline and Rebecca. And my drama class was still equally as annoying but I love when everyone in the class starts laughing because it reminds me of my drama class at Westmin. Thinking about my Drama class in grade 9 with Saxby makes me laugh a bit because going back there would feel so normal. I like to say I made a few friends. But really all I did was talk to a couple girls who we made small talk with, and now when I see them in the hallways they smile and wave at me. It's a start. I really want to start making friends. Today after Math I was talking down the hallway with Clay and we started goofing off and I saw caroline and gave her a half hug and I felt a glimpse of Westmin. The feeling like hey I belong here, I know these people. Course those were the only two in the entire hallway, but It still felt like a beginning to me,.

The class of the day I feel like elaborating on is my math class. First of all, the stupid classroom was on the other end of the building. It was in the older section, and it looked like it got attacked by squirrels, it was so rundown. And I got in there, happy I had found it so easily, happy with the people in it. Alot of friends from Westmin like Tijana, Amber, Lisa, Clay, Celeste, Marissa, and even Erik one of gages friends that's always at my house. So we were all sititing and talking and then our math teacher for the year walks in. Her name is Miss Martin. The door closes and its like Hell froze over.See, in grade 8 and 9 I had this amazing teacher named Miss Suh. She is probably the best teacher I have ever had, she was cold but straight and to the point and if you were truly honest with her she would become very understanding. The catch with her was always that it took a long time to warm up to her, I hated her for the longest time before I realized how much she was benefiting me. When I was in grade 7 I barely did the homework and when I did it was scattered over crumpled sheets of paper and I would flash it by my Math teacher and breeze on by. Miss Suh sort of got me prepared for Highschool and I really believe she told me everything I wanted to hear. Even though she scared me shitless half the time.

This Miss Martin though...? She is as scary as Miss Suh, but worse because I don't know her habits and she doesn't sound very forgiving or that she will slow down for anyone. The first thing she said to us was "Math 10 Pure has the highest fail rate in all of highschool. Including Math 30 pure. I don't know why it's like this, but it just is. This is like a fiery beast that we need to just overcome and try to come out alive." She said several things like that, that kind of made you shudder and worry about your studying skills. All I know is that everyone seems to fail that class. And she didn't make it much better, assigning a math review package. But the way I see it, is she is giving it to us straight and cold. Being completely honest and brutal. Sure she doesn't have to be so scary about it, but Highschool requires alot of studying and focus and I can't get by sometimes like I did in grade nine. The thing that sucks about that is that even when I try really hard to focus on math I still don't understand whats going on.

Anyways, after school today. And after walking to the ridiculous bus stop thats like a block down the street and transfering to another ridiculous stop I got home and I had been planning on seeing Chris after school for dinner. I love how I saw him twice today, and I'm loving the fact that we still stay in touch. I was so scared that we wern't but now I'm not worried at all. He made the senior volleyball team at his school, which is crazy impressive because grade 10's don't often make the senior teams. I feel a bit like a failure though you know? I love school sometimes and friends, but at the same time I want to have time for me and I already had three pages of math homework on the first day. I want to get out, if I tried out for a team, It would be so I could feel like people knew who I was. And being Chris's Girlfriend, a kid who pwns at all sports, its KIND of intimidating.

Oh well, I am so proud of him, it will be really difficult to see him now because of all his sports BUT there is a shep senior game tomorrow and I invited him to go with me. Tonight I went to his house for Greek and his mom called me "One of the family" and his little brother held a dance competition. So I had to break dance but I'm getting comfortable with his family. Afterall, I am like always there. That could happen with my house except its hard with my divorced parents.So, my final verdict is that highschool may not be so bad afterall. I just want to make friends. AND I wish classes wern't 80 minutes long, and I am fearing gym tomorrow. It's never been my most enjoyable subject, being out there in front of everyone to try your best only to get shot down or embaressed. Goodluck to me, right fellas?

O Hai Highschool

So today..was not what I expected. Surprisingly not once did I feel nervous to get to school. I had no idea how the day would unfold, I was scared about where to go in the morning, and on top of the fact I had to figure out the bus schedule which I wasn't so crazy about.

Well first off, the bus schedule turned out fine. Of course I had to leave earlier than I had the previous years taking the bus to Westminster, just to get on the 117 in front of Jasper Place where the bus was completely empty, the driver looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dom, and I only traveled a few stops before I got off just to get on the 710 School special.

Basically, it was a bit ridiculous but I had a talk with Chris on the phone and figured out that the Transit website actually was just fucking with my head, and I can take the 710 from the same bus stop I always have. When I woke up I had blurred vision, I literally couldn't see because I was so tired and my head felt like someone had poured molasses in my ears. I wasn't even a tiny bit excited to get to Shep, I didn't even care to be honest. I felt unsure of the bus routes, and unsure of the day but it all turned out.

So, My conclusion of the day and highschool is this: The day is what you make of it. Of course, the day was super incredibly boring. I had my fair share of embaressing moments but none that I really expected. The first one was that I was playing an improve game in my drama class, and bent down into a 'freeze' position where I had my mouth open. And of course being the dirty minds that my new class mates had, they burst out laughing and even the visiting grade twelves had some nice things to say. And when I tried to laugh to hide the fact that I wanted to cry because this drama class was not at all supportive like Westmin, my drama teacher told me to hold in the emotions. And I wanted to say "it's hard when the people arn't laughing with you, they're laughing AT you"

Then of course, I screamed "AUGH" In the hallway and some grade eleven girls walked by with smirks on their faces. My classes are all 80 minutes long, I didn't recognize many people in my classes and the people I met were all really timid, probably like I was anyways. So, I hope that Highschool gets a bit more exciting. That I actually talk to the people in my classes, and that I get to know people as well as I did at Westmin. Who says I can't love shep as much as I loved Westmin?

Lunch time was pretty memorable as well. Shep reminds me of that highschool in the movies with all the students and the run down halls. Shep is kind of falling apart and is stuck in the 70 and 80's era. Rebecca and I went to the Cafe which is in the basement but is so massive. And there is a huge store with a booster juice and hamburgers and cooks and what not. And I bought a burger, and it felt like a food court it was very convienient. After we bought our food we were carrying our trays looking around the room for a table and I started laughing because there was a 'Jock' table, a table full of stylish Asians, and etc. Tomorrow Rebecca agreed to eat outside with me in the courtyard with some of the Westmin girls because we ended up sitting with Sara Bezansen at a table with two of her new friends.

It was awkward...

So, I bussed home, got back. I felt really exhausted and bored with the day since the classes were so long. And I am seriously regretting not taking gym in the summer time because I would have got it over with and now I have to survive the wrath of many different activities throughout the year including swimming at the pool next door. And I know this is a girlish thing to say, but I don't want to have to deal with my hair for three weeks. But I'll have to. Augh.

There will be more highschool Diaries tomorrow. ;)

Umm How am I getting to Highschool?

"Sorry, my mom is being a 'Mega bitch' and she can't drive you tomorrow"
HEY KIDS, GUESS WHO I QUOTED THIS FROM?!

I hear this quote so often from my dear friend Caroline. She promised me a ride, before she asked. And now I have no fucking way to get to highschool...

That's fucking awesome!
...
NOT!

Spanks Borat.

Say Goodbye, Crew

Well the good times have to end EVENTUALLY, my friends. I can't believe the summer is over. Like really, woah what just happened? Woah that was just summer. I remember grad night, May 30th, my friends were all leaking out of the gym and one girl from my homeroom ran by and said "WHAT WAS THAT?...YEAH THAT WAS GRAD" And we all just nodded and were like, "we looked forward to this for three years...it's over" Its a weird feeling. So fast, like I have been blindfolded the last few months. I remember the first day of summer, I went down to Laurier with a group of girls to celebrate Jewls' birthday. There were a ton of us, and I remember walking down the huge hill down into the river valley and the sun was blazing, and I was with a few girls all who were talking about highschool but none of us really thought it was a big deal, afterall we had the whole summer, and it was still two months away.

I remember Jacob Dykstras party. He has this huge house down by Caroline's with a stone house and balcony with an Oak door. And I remember liking Chris and smiling at him from across Jake's yard, and by the end of the evening I had a boyfriend and alot of people asking me about it and I felt like the happiest person on the planet. Despite the fact that Jacob never really invited me.

Or when Chris left for Gull Lake for a week. And he would text me whenever he could, his phone was being a little bitch the entire time mind you. And I remember driving out to the lake with his mom and little brother Aidan and finally seeing him after a week I felt like melting. I remember leaving for Seba beach and talking to Carolines older sister Lauren about how we still had a month of summer left and sitting on the beach watching the insanely loud fireworks and recording them with our phones.

I think the craziest was this last week. It's like we've all realized whats happening, until just a few days ago I still thought highschool seemed so distant. Its like ive crammed my fun into this last week. My friend Celeste says "I think this summer really prepared me for highschool" and looking back at how many days I wasted doing absoulutely nothing, but then I start thinking about if I wasn't at home everything I was doing and how much fun I had. It's surreal and I don't even think it will hit me tomorrow morning at 8:00 when I wake up, grabbing my book bag for the first time in awhile.

Tonight I went to Daniels with Chris and Rebecca. We sat and watched Charlie Bartlett, and we all laughed and whatever. Maybe I'm just sentimental like that, but I looked around and felt so happy to be with these people and I realized were just spreading out across the city. It doesn't seem fair to be building these relationships so much for this happen. And then I start thinking about next summer and how interesting and unexpected it might be.

When I left Daniels and sat at the bus stop with Chris, we started talking about how we were going to see each other, how on wednesday were going to eat dinner together, how were calling each other tomorrow, and then talking to Morgan about when Im going to see her. It feels like such a hassle, like this isn't right. But, It should be interesting friends, bloggers and enemies. I'm so excited, don't get me wrong. I like being in new places, and that day where finally "Hey, I know this hallway!" And things start to click. But once you get used to your surroundings and yourself, you have to remember the other people too.

I will NEVER forget Westminster, and I will never forget the dances and the people and the people I know unfortunately I might never see again. But on that same note, it's not going to be as sad as it sounds, because like I told Morgan. These people will fade away, you'll talk to them on the computer, alot of "Hey we need to hang out!"'s will be exchanged, then it will be an occasional text message. And then one day someone will delete them off your phone and you won't notice. Life happens that way, there arn't alot of sudden changes, they're just transitions that we all get used to.

Of course, one thing I will never accept is not being friends with Morgan, Keltyn, Daniel, Chris, or a lot of people. And this summer has changed me, I have learnt alot about people that I can openly say has shocked the fuck out of me. But I love the people from Westmin, and I can love the people from Shep.

Hey, I have a big heart. There's Room.