BETCH PLEZ

Maybe one day I won't be sad anymore. Maybe one day I can walk around my school not really having anything to be worried about. I'll love my friends for the way they are rather than for what they're not. I won't spend all my time worrying about grades or what I'm doing wrong in a relationship. Maybe one day super soon I will be able to say with a genuine smile that I am truly happy.

Right now, I feel completely and utterly lost. People are changing, but in ways that are to be expected. My best friends seem to kick me when I'm down, and some of the people I trust the most have been the ones to break it and cause me pain. I feel like I'm putting my heart into everything, but I don't know where all this emotional mess is coming from.

I just hope that I settle. I think a big part of it is just school. And how its not what I thought it would be (in a negative way) It's just because I feel like I hyped it up since the first day of first grade. Like it was supposed to be this awesome experiance, but it doesn't feel like grade seven did. It feels like I've been there before. Not fun at all, I'm not meeting any new people. Instead im sticking with Lisa, Caroline and Rebecca. Talking with Lisa is great because technically she is a new friend. But Rebecca and Caroline are slowly breaking me down. Caroline is an amazing person but incredibly selfish and too much that reminds me of my mom making me so upset when she forces what she wants on other people. Rebecca is mega bitch lately. I might be crying about something and instead of being nice to me about it, she'll flat out yell at me and roll her massive eyes around her head.

I know that somethings wrong when I ditch them for James and Celeste two people I haven't been close with since elementary, but can bring my mood up in 10 minutes, when it takes the people who are supposed to be my best friends two seconds to bring me down. I found it funny today at lunch, I begged Caroline to eat lunch with me, I asked her if we could stay in the school since I had slipper shoes on and it was pouring rain. Not only did Caroline find Rebecca who I was trying to get away from, she made me walk to Westmount. Everytime something like that goes down I just feel this stinging in the back of my head about her selfishness. I took my shoes off in westmount my feet were soaking wet. Rebecca yelled at me and rolled her stupid eyes for the 800th time when I walked ahead of this stupid slow walking idiot. Too her everything is an argument, something to bitch about. I am flat out tired of it.

I think the biggest issue I have right now, just the center and core of my sadness is feeling so alone alot of the time. I really miss Chris, he's one of my best friends too and it's hard not seeing him because it's his way to act like its just a shrug.
"can we hang out either tuesday or wednesday?"
"Maybe"
"Not maybe, just promise me"
"I can't promise you. What if you die?"

Simple words from Chris that make me want to run in front of cars. I try too much sometimes. I'm kind of clingy I've decided. So no more of that. From now on, I could care less!! ...But not actually.

I just want friends. I want good friends and love and comfort and no betrayal and I don't want to cry anymore. I really think today at lunch with Celeste and James was an eye opener for me. They made me so happy and calmed down in like 3 minutes and everytime I glanced at my 'friends' I felt like getting red in the face all over again. I think to Celeste I seem like this crazy person because I put up with such friends. I tell her too many stories...

Until the next blog everyone!