I AM GOING TO EXPLODE!

AUGHHHH! O RLY?! I feel like I'm on this time bomb. And every little notch that goes wrong, sets the time it blows even lower. Lower. Lower. Until maybe one day I might just spontainiously combust. One of the choreographers at Legends might be happy to hear that, she's always telling us to 'explode' our jumps. First off, there is something internally wrong with me. Like, I full out believe that I have a messed up backwards feeling in my mind that is causing me to lose my head.

First off, I am a great example of the superior womanly mind. Not because I am smart, beautiful, good at mulitasking or any of those things. But because I make no fucking sense and when I anylize everything I'd done or did, I feel really stupid and terrible after but my feelings catch up to me everytime and I can't help it. It will one day be the thing that drives all my friends away, and other people close to me.

First off, I openly have discovered that I always want to hear things the way I want to hear them. I brace myself for things constantly but it never works and I always end up feeling defeated. I'm a massive hypocrite, a great example of Cognative Dissidence, saying one thing doing another. Vice Versa. I always say things regarding other 'things' that I despise, talking about it like its funny, interesting, whatever. But the minute someone I care about talks about it too, I freeze up. It's like in my head I'm thinking "its okay for me to make jokes about it. I can build that wall in time as I say these things. But when you say them, its like a blow to the face. I wish you would say the opposite what I'd said just to make me feel better." Now tell me how much sense that makes!

For example, with the stupid weed thing. I am ready to hurtle myself over a very high bridge because I am tired of the annoyance I am causing people and the pain i'm causing myself. I was talking to Chris today about it and I was like "haha yeah that one time I did it my eyes didn't turn red" And like, I wanted to smack myself the instant I said it because I pulled an Adam. (saying something as an afficiado of something but its something retarded like drugs) I felt so dumb and I was kinda like ugh. And then Chris said "I have a really bad eye problem, this one time I got in the car with Daniel and his mom..." And do you know what I did ladies and gentlemen?

I froze. I do it to him everytime and he's always kind of like what? I guess part of it is that I don't see him in that way, it's like getting told that your best friend is actually a mass murderer. Not as extreme but its an alright comparision. And the thing is, I don';t want to see him that way. I don't want to give in to the fact that yeah maybe he's made some bad choices. Course he doesn't think they are bad choices and he can live with himself whereas I want to bash my head into a wall but you know what I mean. The next few blocks we walked home I walked super fast, and anyone that knows Chris knows he casuaully takes his time walking because he's chill like that. I just booked it ahead of him, if my eyes had been capable I would be doing REM wide awake.

I felt like a frickin scatterbrain. I wanted to cry, although duh I knew that he had done it, but everytime he says something about it I am brought back to the aspect that people change and of course when I first started liking Chris all those times ago he was a really chill guy who hadn't done anything his mom would disapprove of. I admit thats who I want him to be because I feel comfortable, and shielded. I also know: Thats not who he wants to be.

And it's not right for me to live in the past, wanting him to be something or someone he doesn't want to. Of course when I'm upset I get into the state of mind like "Kristen he does weed just deal with it. He drinks and he is going to have scary friends" And then I hit myself. I need to give him more credit. But its like my autopilot, my terrified-shitless instinct. And I wish I could turn it off. I find myself talking inside my head about these things, because I know its just me being terrified, not being able to communicate anything with him because I don't want him to feel like I'm coming up with these things out of nowhere when being a prick and icing him isn't much better.

Anyways, I just had this realization because there was a party involving friends from his new school tonight and his parents didn't allow him to go. Apparently he biked over there and had a few shots and came home. Again I feel like I've just been poured acid on my head. I need to learn to expect these things, I always say retarded things to him like "haha its because I don't care anymore" but I really do care, and things DO still shock me. Although I wish they didn't, I would have alot more of a peaceful existance. All I am doing is causing him to be confused. I know that inside I am the same person that I was 4 years ago. Course then I would bawl hysterically when someone did weed, (Im still pretty close to that), I would turn white as a sheet when someone mentioned alchohol, and making out with a boy was right up there with sex.

But I still know my morals, I know drinking is wrong, smoking is wrong. Sure i've done it, but I didn't let it change me or who I am. And I don't plan on it. I have my head on pretty straight I like to think, and as long as the road of my life doesn't get too clouded over with crap, and I don't start thinking weed is 'okay' , I'll be fine along the way. It just scares me when people I love to the moon and back tell me that weed isn't a bad thing. Drinking isnt a bad thing. Because I want everyone to say what I want them to. I want people to know what I'm thinking and say what I want them to. But I cant control anyone and it will never happen.

As for me, I am a hypocrite but I can't help my physco bitch ways. all I can do is try and talk to him about it, because I hate when fireworks are going off inside me, and waterworks at the same time and all I can say to him when he asks me whats up is "I'm Fine" In a really monotone voice. Because I can't expect him to jump up to me, wrap his arms around me and tell me he knows everything is wrong but its part of growing up. I can't expect him to see things like that. This goes for all my friends too, they are the same people I love who they are. Growing up is scary buisness with alot of peer pressure whether Chris agrees with me or not, but its alot of stress but alot of the time like my dad always says "Kristen, these are the definining years. All your friends are trying to find themselves" and I need to trust that they can do that on their own, but with my occasionally by their side. Not to shit my pants because I can tell the difference betweens the ones it will change and the ones that won't. and I am pretty sure I don't need to be worried about Chris becoming a pothead, drinking every weekend and cheating on me. I am like 99 percent sure about that.

I just need to fix me before I wreck my friendships.
I sound like my world is ending but its not, I love my boyfriend, my friends and family. I just need to not be so physco.

And work on me, it's not about them. People grow up and experiment, and its part of life.
We can do it together guys!