I Don't know where Im going with this

I don't exactly know where I'm going with this. My mood is so all over the board today that If I start crying while I write this...it might just end. So if it does, I'm sorry. I just might be ready to talk about stuff with Chris since I've spent the evening driving with my dad and talking to him and listening to some really empowering music.

Alyssa wrote this really amazing blog about me. She said quite a few things, but I love her support and how much she cares. She said one line "Like, I'm sure Chris means well, but he didn't see Kristen today, had to laugh with her, and see her smile, to knowing that the smile didn't reach her eyes like it usually does, and knowing there's this deep sadness inside her" It was amazing to read that. She actually picked up on it. I'm surprised now that I'm not crying, I think alot of my sadness was just shock that he wouldn't be my boyfriend anymore.

After today, I feel a little better. Last night I biked to the park to see Chris, knowing after a short phone call that I was biking towards the end of our relationship. Apparently our distance was doing alot more than I thought. I still think deep down it was him that just kind of built this distance thing himself. I still believe he just isolated himself because I constantly did my best and I didn't feel it.

Anyways, The conversation we had was probably the most emotional conversation i'd ever had. It was weird because It felt like neither of us wanted it to end yet he was telling me it had to. I was crying, shaking, trying to come up with witty things to say that would make him change his mind. I tried to smile, I even cracked a joke at the fact that it had gone quite a bit darker since the beginning of our conversation. I told him I wanted one last hug, it turned into 5 last hugs. I started crying the entire time. This may be a really small detail but I remember him grabbing for my hand, made me cry that much more.

And then I left, he smiled which made me angry because I tried too. I said alot of lines about how I still really care, I said alot of lines about how I'll always love him, about how I really want us to be friends. I like to think for a short minute during that conversation when I looked up at him the water in his eyes wasnt because he had to sneeze, or being he had just yawned but maybe because he was sad and wanted to cry too. I remember getting on my bike and pedaling as fast as I could towards the exit of the park, my knuckles were literally white around the handle bars and I looked back watching him walk away. Just typing this is making my chest hurt and my eyes fill with tears.

Great, now I'm crying. I'll try my best to finish this off though. I just biked to daniels house, and over the bridge where I laughed looking down at the cars thinking about how easy it would be to just get out. Not that I would ever jump. I went to his house and Daniel gave me a huge hug and walked with me and let me talk. Course the entire time I was sobbing. I was so surprised when we got to the park, just talking and I just let myself stare at the place where I got dumped by someone I really loved. Anyways, I realized Daniel is a really good friend of mine. Course I always knew that, but he would always be there for me.

I went home, and I cried the entire time I was there. I sobbed, hugging my dad. I cried trying to sleep. I woke up at 3 in the morning, cried for another good two hours and woke up at 7 because I was crying. I got ready for school with tears streaming down my face, makeup was impossible to put on. Walked to the bus stop sniffling and dabbing at my eyes. Got on the bus and stared out the windows as more tears streamed down my face. Lisa got on the bus and I started to cry. I got to school and Language Arts was terrible. Theres this boy Matt who sits in front of me in La. And theres this picture on the wall, and I noticed him looking at it But I think he was just trying to look at my reflection. I was sniffling and crying. I asked to go to the bathroom and Caroline was in there and I just broke down and sobbed.

I was so tired of crying I can tell you that. Gym class got rid of it, the whole running around ordeal. The afternoon I couldn't even cry. The bus was really hard though. Chris still takes my bus and when he got on with two other pretty girls who were trying to decide if they should sit at the back with me. Earlier I asked if he wanted to go to Mac's and he said yes once he finally did get on the bus. So we went and bought slurpees and it was pretty chill for the time being. We acted normal, like friends were. Except that some things were a little touchy. He asked for his sweater back, the one that is so incredibly comfy. The one that at one point he told me that I could have it as long as I wanted. I said yes and asked if he wanted the bracelet he gave me back, or the stuffed animal he won me at Kdays back, or the volleyball shirts he gave me back. Thats when I realized that I had too much of his stuff. Course he said "its okay, its all yours" But it didn't make me feel any better.

We went to the park and sat down, it wasn't weird because I made really small coffee talk. We saw his mom driving into Mac's so he said "Maybe she can give me a ride home" So I walked to go see her, the look on her face when she saw me with her son at the door was priceless. (She knew we had broken up) Aidan was there too, and asked if I was coming over. All three of us kind of looked around and Chris said "I don't know" and I said "No" just as quickly.

His mom agreed to drive me home, and I felt really bad and awkward about that. Chris and I still have some of our inside jokes, like when he pointed to the clock and laughed. It was '420' We always used to laugh about that. When he had to walk me to the door, he said "Okay I'll text you" and I smiled and as he walked away I said "High five?" A joke because when he was just starting to like me, I gave him a high five goodbye. But now were over, the way we started is just a memory. The things we did together are just memories. And they're gone.

Anyways I've just been so sad. I've lost my best friend. I've lost someone I really love. But part of me thinks this friend thing can really work. It's just hard seeing him still, knowing I can't hug him, I can't hold him, I can't kiss him. I can't do anything. As soon as that sets in, I might get used to it. I might get over the fact that he's not mine. He can be set free and have fun in highschool. Course it will take me alot longer to heal.

This is the part that really makes me cry and I'll probably close with it. But just over a week ago I was at Daniel's sisters 18th party and I was with Chris in the park and he said "Your amazing. Your like the girl of my frickin dreams" And Now I'm nothing.