"This Circle never ends" Paramore <3 ;)

Sometimes I can't help asking myself "What are your intentions with this?" I feel like such a try hard sometimes. I feel so sad, and so broken. And then other days I feel so excited and so in love with my life. I don't know when it's going to stop. I've come to terms that maybe this is just being a teenager. That this has nothing to do with my situations with my friends, or with Chris, or anyone. I just REALLY want to have a good time. And I'm getting there, I am in such a good mood today, and tonight in general. I feel like today is going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I really do.

The day in general wasn't its best. But sometimes its the bad things that make you realize how good you could have it. I keep arguing with Rebecca and Caroline. Maybe they don't pick up on it, but lately I've felt like all I do with them is start arguments. I feel like Caroline is always pushing my buttons, like Rebecca doesn't understand. Lisa said something to me today that made me realize what a good person she is that it's bugging her. She said "I don't know why were so mean to each other. Were supposed to be best friends but we always put each other down"

I felt so bad. She said that shortly after I spewed something about Caroline to Rebecca. It's not that we gossip each other, or even just stab each other in the back. Its just that we talk about one another like someone that were not fond of. And Lisa is so right. I tried my best the rest of the day to shield myself from being rude or selfish to them. Lisa is right. We are supposed to be each others best friends. And I don't know exactly what is going on, but I do know that we react really irrationally and take everything so seriously and everything turns into a bitchy argument. And I absoulutely hate it. I want to have friends that I always have fun with. The fun should outweigh the things that piss me off.

Science class was kind of stupid because I didn't get to talk to Alyssa. I like talking to her, but I can't help feeling like alot of the time I'm just talking about myself. I want her to know that I completely care about her and her situations but for some reason lately I am like so caught up in my own little bubble. Which I shouldn't.

Anyways, my writing isn't very deep today. My thoughts are too complex, I'm not going to attempt to write them down and put them into words. I was just very satisfied today. I hung out with Chris for a small amount of time, and I left feeling happy that were friends but I'm frusterated. I don't know what my plan is I really don't. I think were weird to be honest, just because the fact that we hang out as if nothing is wrong. Occasionally we make jokes and laugh about things that happened when we were dating. It's true when I say that when I'm with him I don't feel any pain about anything really. Even when he talks about Sarah to me. I know all my friends think it's weird. I know his do. But I am happy with our 'trying'. I am weirded out by the comfort level. No awkward moments, nothing I could even try to say could make something awkward.

We are too chill for something that has consumed my life and my thoughts for the last month. I am starting to realize that I don't need him, and just when I start becoming independent he starts trying to have this solid friendship with me. And it doesn't hurt me, but I just feel so in love with his prescence which you can't have if your friends. How does that work? Alot of my affection for him has just died, how is it possible to still feel this way when I also feel alot of myself moving on? It's like I'm in peices.

But whatever, It's nothing I can't handle. Sometimes I feel like he's telling me too much information. He still wants me to trust him, and it's hard because I don't know if I ever did since I am always doubting the things he says. I want to believe everything and when Im with him I do, it's just hard. We talked about her and against everything I said it wasn't awkward. And It SHOULD be. I don't know whats wrong with us that we can deal with this so nicely. It makes me feel even worse that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

I just know that seeing him makes me feel like were taking a positive step. I feel like he really wants me around. I feel like we have fun. Maybe thats good enough, because he is definately free to go. Despite my feelings, he should be with whoever he wants to. It's just weird now that everyone has their own opinions and me and him are, in theory, how we've always been just without the kissing and hugging.

So weird.

But, I have cheer tonight and Halloween is tomorrow and I am incredibly excited! I will hopefully post some pictures if I can manage! See you!

xoKristen

Hateful thoughts anyone?

I'm not quite in the writing mood as of right now. I can understand Alyssa's blog and how sometimes thoughts are just infesting every corner of your brain, and you know if you try to explain it the words will come out confusing and will probably be misread.

Like right now. My day was so long, I hate day B's, and I went to Carolines after school and she semi screwed me over with my Halloween costume. As of my situations with Chris I feel like responding with "What situations?" This is overplayed. I hate myself for dragging it out. I hate how much I look up to him still after everything, I hate how I'm just another person in his life. And this HAS to end. I have a science final tomorrow, I have barely studied. I have to sleep. I fail. FUCK! School is taking over my fucking life!

"...So the weather!"

The question that seems to be on my mind today is this "How can someone that has done so much wrong still at the end of the day be one of the most amazing people that you know?" You know I feel like everday I wake up something else approaches my mind. Things never do make sense and as much as I feel myself getting better I can't hide the fact that I am so totally and completely lost.

Lauren Conrad said to Heidi once "When you love someone, you want to believe their good" I know its true. I have spent a really long time trying to force myself to believe that Chris has always had good intentions. When he broke up with me, and everything suddenly took this dramatic hairpin turn, it was like I was trying to find his faults. I have been searching, trying to hard to make myself hate things about him. To make myself view him as this undesireable person.

But he's not. At dinner tonight I was sitting with my dad, yaking about my day. I talked about Drama class, and science class, and seeing Chris. And Caroline, Rebecca and Lisa and how my plans for Halloween are moderately fucked. It was silent for a bit and for some reason I just felt like bringing up the topic of Chris. My dad has this weird look of pain whenever I talk about him. I know he can see what I go through. I started talking about everything I thought was wrong with him. "He has funny knees! And he has moles on his face, he calls them freckles but I like to piss him off and call them moles! His feet are small, you know what that means dad! He has such a weird posture, his belly sticks out and his legs are like bow and arrows! OH DAD, and his teeth! They have this annoying gap in between them and when he talks you just stare. And he ALWAYS gets food on his face when he eats" And I just kept going and going and going. Literally just listing off the things that I didn't like about him.

When I finished, and I was decently out of breath and my dad just stared at me and said "You really liked him" And I just sat there staring at him. Finally I managed to say "Yeah that didn't work one bit" He just smiled and went upstairs. I am fully aware that the great things about him severely outweigh the bad. But I feel like this sucks so much more because he's such a good person. I can never picture him saying something bad on purpose, I can never see him dismissing my feelings to anyone. I know he'll always care. But I just hate myself for still having feelings for him that are still so strong. He's just such a good person, and It would make it a hell of alot easier if he wasn't.

Everything he's ever done to me was never on purpose. Nothing was ever a dick move. Everything was just how it turned out. And I know he cares whether Im hurting or not. I just need to see myself with someone else other than him. I need to stop laughing at how big his eyes are, I need to stop loving the funny but cute way that he walks, I need to get over the fact that his fingers are so long and he gives the best hugs in the world if he loves you. That's how I monitor how things are changing. He still forces hugs upon me and I stay pretty stiff mind you its like "You dumped me, and this little bubble is no longer breakable by you!" But now they lack that spark or whatever.

People can say what they want. Tim can tell me the only reason I did things with Chris was because I was scared and wanted to 'please him'. Elly can talk all day and night about Sarah and Chris. Sarah can walk around the school telling people I hate her when I don't, and she can change Chris' phone backround to 'Sarahiscool'. I don't give a fuck. Chris can think that I am insecure, he can throw the stupid fucking jokes he continues to throw saying things like "yeah you can keep that jacket. To wear it, or smell it..." He can laugh at how he always thought I would be the physco ex and that I am. I don't give a shit. Because I know what I feel. I know that when I see him I still get excited, but I don't necessarily care for him like I did. I just want what we had back, and now that I have almost completely accepted the fact that it is never coming back, I will walk this world with a smile on my face and my head high and Chris can do the same.

I don't want to be tied down anymore. I will always miss him, care for him. Whatever. But what matters and what the point is, is that together, WE didn't work. Something between us didn't click and it wasn't meant to be. All the hugging and kissing and cuddling and talking...those were just tests. Taking a run down a road that had never been taken. At least now I can say, "Yeah I took that road once. It was one of the best drives I ever had, but in the end it just wasn't the right route"

Ok. Weird analogy. But I think you all know what I mean. I am still pretty damn stuck on the summertime though, and maybe I always will be. It just sucks the things that come up when I'm with him the things I constantly talk about. Namely, the summertime. It was the best time of my life, I was overwelmingly happy and I had someone that I really loved. But nothing lasts forever, and my dad always tells me that everything is so fragile we just don't realize it. I could die tomorrow.

Today just, opened some old and hid away thoughts that I had presumed that I had put away for a little while. I feel like I am trying my best to get away, to play the strong independant person. Then theres him, he who pities me. Either that or boy who doesn't know what he wants. He invited me to Macs, He asked if I wanted to come inside and keeps initiating hugs that I don't need because they bring me back to that same broken place because as much as I might be enjoying the attention SHE still exists. And SHE is still someone that maybe he is slowly starting to love. As of now, I don't want to know though. It shouldn't be my business. It CAN'T be.

Thats his life now. Before I was joined to it, and now I'm just another thing within it. I could only be the center for so long. I guess now its Sarah's turn. So, whatever. I could care less.

At least thats what I keep telling myself.
Fuck.

Diary of a broken heart...thats slowly MENDING! yay!

Today was definately a monday that seemed to drone on for the entire week. I had a language arts exam first thing in the morning, and to be truly honest I fell asleep in the middle of a question. Literally, actually, fell asleep. I think I may have had a dream, but I don't quite remember because I woke up feeling frazzled and with the imprint of my face in a splotch of red on my arm.

In spanish, Senora Padovani announced that we would be having a quiz on wednesday about geography. Drama class, was interesting. If you want to know more about it ask Brenna, Paulina or any of the other kids in my drama class.

Basically, what happened was I made another bad choice. Somewhere along the line I think I have lost what I believed in, lost the things that once defined me. I still believe everything I once thought about drugs. None of my friends would believe that, seeing as now it's almost like my escape. I still think that they're bad, despite the people that abuse them. I still think that they can do all the things that my dad says, create procrastination, make you bored with life, make you depressed. I know everything, and feel everything as I once did. I feel like I'm turning a blind eye, and causing alot of my friends that loved the old me to worry. I'm just caught up, and the only way recently I've felt like I can just let those things free is if I'm high. That sounds terrible, unlike me, and completely morally backwards. Just a couple months ago I was talking with Alyssa how I had a goal to stay pure throughout all of highschool.

And I still want to be that person. I don't want to let her down, I don't want anyone especially her to think I've changed. I know for a fact that if Chris hadn't gotten into drugs over the summer, I wouldn't have either as a last desperate attempt to get him to notice what I was going through. Obviously, it didn't work. But I still don't think smoking weed is a good choice. I don't get as uncomfortable as I once did, but I don't want it to consume my life and I won't let it. I've gone through quite the rough patch the last couple of months, even when I was dating Chris. And sometimes the easiest thing to do, is to just say "Fuck it"

Tonight afterschool I went to the mall to get my nose peircing changed into a ring. I'm really enjoying it, I feel really powerful with it for some reason. Like I'm making a statement. The little stud was barely noticeable and I can garuntee you that tomorrow people will be asking me if I peirced my nose. I'm scared to face my drama class, but I will do that with the best way that I can because I am not just another person who goes along with the crowd. I'm me. And I have my own opinons.

And my own feelings. Anyways, Tim came over for a bit too. I was great seeing him, I hardly ever get to see him these days. I was frusterated though after our long walk when he brought up Chris and something that Chris said. Something about me doing things with him just so he wouldn't break up with me. I was so angry, not hurt just angry. I wanted to lay things out on the table, that the night that I did these so called 'things' I had no intention of any of the things that Tim told me. I wasn't trying to save anything. I wasn't trying to fix things. I was so mad when I heard it, because it seems like everyone has such interest in my life. It seems like Chris just keeps telling people things that aren't true. Embaressing things.

I texted him of course, and not two minutes later Tim got a text from Chris who said something like "What the fuck did you say to Kristen to get her mad at me?" And then of course it started a little argument between me and Tim, leaving me to be 'ridiculous'. I just told Tim that I am so sick and tired of fighting battles that are genuinely mine, and feeling like I have no right too. Because I do. I don't know any of the answers, I can't even say I have love or relationships even a quarter figured out.

But I do know that it IS my business if it involves me, and I can bring it up to whoever I want. I did sort it out with Chris, but I can't help but wondering when this will ever end. I hate how everytime something gets brought up the feelings come back all over again. I'm not a bad person, infact I think i'm a rather good one. And I have my head on decently straight despite all the people that would kill to see me fall right now.

But I do know one thing. I LOVE life. And I love the people that are making it worth living. It's just the selected few that are ruining it for me. I so badly want to be Chris' friend. And I want to know what it's like to feel happy to know that I have overcome something. I still don't think that people change, I think people find more about other people. I think that Chris has always been the same person, it has just taken me longer than three months to see it. He once told me when I was upset "fuck Kristen, I think you know me better than anyone" And although we've been through shit I still stay true to that. No matter how far apart we drift or this, I'm still drawn to the fact that I still know him better than alot of people.

And I can't just let that go. I can't do anything either because I don't know the answer. But I HAVE to do this friend thing, I feel like its crucial for me to move on. I feel like its crucial for me to not have a notch thats missing in my heart. I absoulutely hate how someone so important to me is moving away so quickly.

"The hardest part of walking away from you, is knowing that you won't follow"

Another Rant about breakups. Thats what you get when you read my blogs!

Oh jesus cheesus! I definately am in the mood for a rant. I hate how my moods change and are always so diverse. It makes me sound like I am half crazy, half sane. Like I never know what I'm talking about, and that I'm never happy but I'm never completely over the deep end.

Maybe I'm physco.

I kind of want some excitement in my life right now. I want a boy. I want a hot, manly, loving boy. I want to have a job and make enough money to go out. I want to get good grades and party on the weekends. I want to have fun. And I am trying my absoulute bestest to get out of my little bubble and realize that other people besides me have issues.

One of the main things that calms me down is taking notice that alot of the kids I see in the hallways at school everyday, alot of my friends and family go through situations similar to mine. I'm not alone, and life isn't this wallow of suck. The reason I am so proud of myself is my ability to always feel like living is still this magical thing. Well, not always. But alot of the time. I am the sort of person that needs constant distraction. I need clubs, homework, friends. Stuff like that, when it completely takes up my time I am happy for the time being, which is usually a long time being. I had Cheer all afternoon today, full of stunting and jumps and running and conditioning and dancing. I didn't have time to sit aside and wonder if she was going to his house tonight. I didn't have time to bring that black cloud back down to me and focus on something like replaying the breakup scene inside my head over and over.

I realize that tomorrow is the 4 week mark. Four weeks since we last hugged each other and meant it, four weeks that I looked at him as the complete good guy, four weeks ago that I cried the entire night. Three weeks too long that I've been dwelling on this. I can still make myself cry at night lying in bed and looking at the picture of my grade nine class on my wall. Life is full of choices, and chances, and beauty. I feel so incredibly lucky because of my summer but reading my past blogs, remembering everything that I was feeling near the end, I wasn't happy. I was so worried, so hurt already. I already had spent such a long time crying before it was even over. I never felt like I was good enough, and I realize the pain that I have been feeling is so similar except for now I'm free.

I'm always going to feel pain when I see him, it's no doubt. Sometimes I catch myself looking at him and wanting to apologize just so that he can love me again. And It won't happen. I keep telling myself that I really liked the idea of him, and not him himself. I know that it was a combination of both, because I don't lie when I say I loved him. But I loved what I thought he was. I loved him for being this caring and understanding boyfriend, which he rarely was. I loved him for being open to my feelings, which he wasn't. I loved him for backing away from Sarah when we were dating when they almost hooked up, but he didn't. I loved him for saying he cared, when usually it was a protective glass he would throw up in front of me when he had no idea what to say.

And I'm going to take away everything I can from my summer. I don't want to close my heart, my dad says that hes always scared I won't give all of myself the next time. But I plan too. I hate myself for being so close minded. I swear the past couple of weeks I look at boys at school and I think "Cute. But not Chris" and then I feel like tearing my heart open. It's the most frusterating and hopeless feeling in the entire world. It's so annoying, I read a quote today that said "A breakup hurts, but its the memories that eventually kill you" And it's so true. I know I am a dramatic teenager. I blow things up because my world is the only one that I'm aware of. But knowing that one simple fact, doesn't make it any easier.

Sometimes things seem so hopeless. Sometimes picturing peace for me is to be far away from all of these people. I never know what I want. After cheer today I plugged my ipod headphones in and I usually put my ipod on shuffle because I like the suspense of "Whats going to play next?" (That is why I'm so fond of the radio). And this song called "Clumsy" played by our lady of peace came on. In the summertime that was my absolute favorite song. Whenever I heard it this twinkle came into my eyes and I felt like I was floating in space looking down on my own simple life.

But now, all it does for me is make me clench my fists and get this really uncomfortable feeling. When I actually first heard it I was at miqelon lake with Chris and his family. It was probably around 8:00 in the evening and we were gathered around the fire by his trailer. His mom was cleaning up after dinner, his dad with her. And both of us were sitting there and the neighbouring campsite was so loud they were playing this radio and the song Clumsy came on. And it was so peaceful, the sky was painted with these oranges and pinks. And Chris was just there and I was just there. In the car with Rebecca and her dad I remember clenching my jaw so hard and biting the inside of my mouth to prevent tears.

You know, sometimes I am so mad. I was always so terrified of everything ending. The happiness, the comfort, the overall blissful feeling. Sometimes I feel like I fucked everything up. That the way I handled everything was a prime example of what not to do. I feel like a failure as a person and a girlfriend. And I remember his embrace and I just think "How did I ever take advantage of that?" And then I think of that cliche quote that is unfortunately so true.

You never really know what you've got, until it's gone.

I will never take for granted another human being for as long as I did. Love is beautiful and enticing and blissful, but its short lived and easily thrown away. And I really wish it wasn't.

All the Gouls and Ghosts come out on Hallows Eve!...or a week before!

So I haven't written a blog all weekend. There are a couple reasons for that. My high stress level, my inconsistant moods, and my lack of free time on my hands. This weekend has just flown right past my eyes, and I have barely had any time to myself.

Winter is definately here. Yesterday I noticed that the last of the leaves are pretty much gone, the temperature is past the no glove weather. Hats are pretty much required. The wind has been so cold these last few days, and it actually snowed yesterday in an array of wind and snowflakes. I had to wear my ski jacket last night to protect myself from the wind.

So, I can openly say I'm not happy about that. But I am quite excited for Halloween. I love holidays, I absoulutely LOVE Halloween. I have this itch to get completely scared shitless. Friday night I hung out with Chris, Daniel, Brandan, John, and Brenan. I got home friday evening to pack up the stuff from my moms house and rocket over to Chris' house. It was definately interesting. We played Mario Kart, and Aidan still loves me. Things are different though around that house now that were just doing the friend thing. His mom is alot quieter to me, she still smiles at me and talks to me but it definately has its awkward moments.

I think at one point she whispered to me "your better off without him" But if she did, it was quick and very quiet. The only complaint that I really have is that I was alot wittier and in my opinion alot funnier then I ever have been. But sometimes I think Chris is incapable of being my friend. I will be talking and he'll whip his cellphone out in the middle of my sentence and start texting her and everyone else around me pays attention to me except him. At the dinner table, it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Daniel was over by that time, and daniel is a prime example of a really good guy friend. Chris was there of course, and his older brother Jamieson and his girlfriend Theresea. And Aidan of course. Aidan was making a scene about having to wear a dishrag around his neck so when Nancy asked me if I would like one as a joke I said yes, trying to get aidan to wear his.

It wasn't the smartest idea I've ever had because Daniel joined in, and Chris' mom put one on him against his will. We were all sitting there when Aidan ripped his off and said he didn't need it. We were exchanging jokes, Chris was still secretly texting under the table and keeping his focus on his plate. I don't mean to brag, but i said alot of funny things and everytime I felt completely ignored. But for once, I didn't care and that was a nice switch.

One of the worst things about going through all of this is my comfort level with being at that house, with Aidan, with his mom, and with him. I feel so at home, and I can't feel that way anymore. One of the last times I ate dinner at his house when we were together his mom told me I basically live here because I'm basically family. Which, is a big thing to live up to when you get dumped a week after that had been said. Afterwards Aidan had these little toy guns, and we had a battle with them while Daniel tried to join in and Chris sat on the couch texting.
It was just really chill, and I paid complete attention to Aidan which he loved because Chris didn't need my attention anymore. I thought it was a bit funny, he was acting really uncomfortable with the fact that Aidan hadn't picked up that everything had completely changed. And that Aidan was still saying "I love you!" to me, and that he was still hugging my legs and kissing my hands. (Yes he does that, yes hes five)

When we went downstairs afterwards Daniel and Chris were playing on the ping pong table. I watched them having a ton of fun with each other, watching it reminded me again how I feel like Chris never opens up to girls like he does when he's with his guy friends. The side of him that I see when he's with his guys is a side that I rarely ever saw.

I don't remember why, but he ran upstairs for a quick bit and I played my song on the piano to Daniel that I wrote. I got completely into it, and Daniel listened intently and said it was really good. The bad part, was that it put me in a really down mood. I didn't need to reflect those feelings all over again when I was with that person. I kind of just sulked around afterwards but we left the house quickly because Daniel had to meet his friend Brennan at Jasper Place (which was completely pointless!)

So we walked all the way from Chris' house to Jasper place. Which, is far away if anyone cares to know. It took us two hours to get there and back and it was dark outside and very windy and I had 4 layers on. And, I happen to be a very slow walker. I kind of hobbled behind them, both of them were texting people which I guessed were their new girls so I was desperately trying to find people to text me so I wouldn't be alone. It was really cold. When we finally picked up Brennan and walked all the way back to daniels house and got a ride back to Chris' house and Brandan showed up we all plopped down on Chris' couch to watch Pulp Fiction.

Pulp Fiction is such a crazy movie, but Daniel left at one point, saying he was going to go and meet up with Tim. I remember sitting there, John and Brandan barely said a word to each other because I don't think their the best of friends. And then Chris fell asleep so I just put a blanket over him and let him keep me pinned to the couch by his legs and I sat there watching peoples heads get blown off, and Uma Therman overdosing because she snorted Heroin which Chris told me you can't do because it's too pure.

And I sat there for two hours, watching this horrific movie until I finally felt bad and kicked Chris' legs off of me and shook him awake and told him that Daniel would be back soon so he had to stay awake which was a complete lie. Soon enough it was twelve thirty and my dad came by to pick me up. I'm always amazed how normal I can act around Chris when I'm so upset. That night was a little awkward, walking home from JP. I was walking so slow by the time we were almost back and the guys thought I was mad I guess. He texted me from a few feet in front of me telling me he wasn't texting her and I felt really bad. Mostly because I know around guys you can't really act the way that I was. I need to keep my oath to act like everything is okay.

So, Chris walked me to the door half asleep and I said something like "Kay man have a good night" Or something else really casual that didn't reflect the way I was feeling at all. He gave me a hug and I skipped out to my car and went home to sleep. Declaring that evening incredibly pointless but good in a way for me. Alot of stuff went down in my head when we were walking back. I didn't act icy like I used to because I know if he can't get through with me the first time he won't keep trying. He said to me when we were walking "I think we should talk" and i said "We are talking" I called him a jerk to his face, but he didn't understand. What I should have said was. "You just really hurt me, but its okay because its nothing you did on purpose and I want you to have a life outside of my dramatic exsistance" but I didn't think that up until I was home and in my bed.

I admit, when I got home I cried because I don't know what to do anymore sometimes. I want to get past this so we can just be friends. I don't feel like I'm trying to be his friend. I feel like I'm trying to get him to understand me. But it doesn't matter. Like Caroline kept saying 'Kristen, it's because your his ex. Of course he's not going to give a shit' Unfortunately, she's right.

All day saturday I babysat. It was dumb because the weather is getting so bad we couldn't go anywhere so I was stuck inside that house all day watching Barbie Fairy Princess and The Big Comfy Couch. The other thing that really sucked was I didn't get paid because Dan just came from work so he had no money, and Kelly said she would meet up with me sometime this week to give it to me. Sure. If its one thing I kind of hate, is babysitting on a saturday. My weekend just disapears because I have cheer on sundays.

Last night I was about to go to Farm of Fear with the guys again. An incredible breakthrough for me was telling them I had made other plans, and staying with them instead of telling Rebecca I couldn't go just so I could go and get another chance at repairing things with Chris. Spooktacular was amazing and thats the only way I can put it. It literally made my Halloween this year. Edmonton is known for its festivals and events and now I know why. It was So magical.

It was held in a park called Fort Edmonton. In the summertime, its a park where they basically rebuilt an old town that used to exist in Eastern Edmonton. They have different time eras, like 1885 street, 1905 street. One of the last streets dates up to 1920's. It's like a small town on the edge of the Saskatchewan River. When I was younger and I would go there during the summer they would have people working there as peasants to talk about their homes as if they were real.

Its kind of a creepy town. Its set in the middle of the forest since thats what the river valley is covered in. The buildings are so old, they remind me of that movie the village. There are train tracks and the general store and everything is so completely convincing. Last night they set it up as a Halloween town. All the lights were in different colors, there were spiderwebs hung on everything and it was like a real Halloween town. Scary music played, and buildings became treat stops. It was dark by the time we went to this and Rebecca and I laughed at how we felt like we were in one of those HalloweenTown movies since little kids were running around laughing. There were supermans, and tiggers, and dead zombie brides running the streets. We made our way to 1905 street which was lined with an old hotel that you could stand in the line up to go in and witness the treatment center.

There is a story behind 1905 street. During the early 1900's the spanish influenza broke out and killed like 30 million people. If you caught it, your skin turned white, you got sores all over your face and your eyes would turn red. Alot of the people went crazy because the disease took over their minds. It's actually really scary. 1905 street was a reflection of that time. They actually had live actors that dressed up and walked around as the towns folk that were infected with this disease. As we stood in lineup to go into the hotel I heard Rebecca screaming behind me and I turned around and this rotting guy corned me beside the building and I fell into this ditch screaming because he was grabbing at my hair and what not. I turned around and Rebecca was laughing because his face was bleeding and he was sniffing my hair. Finally he left and I was so scared but Rebecca was laughing so hard. There was another young girl who walked with a crazy limp and I saw her coming towards me and I started to run so she ran after me. Rebecca wasn't that phased but I got the shit scared out of me.

When we got inside the building we were lead by this woman with sores all over her face into this dark room that had intestines and other organs sitting on a wooden table. She started explaining how the disease was taking over their minds. There was a hospital bed behind her with the creepiest girl I have ever seen. She had a white gown on and was playing with the veil that was surrounding the bed and singing really softly "Ring around the Rosey, Pocketful of Posey, Ashes to Ashes..." we then listened to a man's shpeil about the disease and he turned around and cut this guy's hand off.

I watched from the corner of my eye that creepy girl getting out of the bed and her singing got louder and louder and she cornered us so I just ran right out of the building. It's funny to mention that I was one of the older kids and alot of the younger kids wern't even that scared and here I was in a screaming frenzy.

Basically I want to explain every aspect of the night because it was so incredibly magical and believeable. There was a girl with a dress who would dance softly down the street giggling, but her eyes were bleeding. There was a guy who would just grumble and his mouth was gushing blood. There was an old man with his organ's falling out screaming that 'he was coming', whoever he was. There was a pasty girl who would scream "NONE OF YOU ARE HERE", there was a sargeant who I watched got crazier and crazier by the end of the night. There was a very tall boy with long hair who would growl at people.

We went into a maze, which was delightfully scary because people sat in there and would grab at your ankles. It was pitch black and you would turn a corner and someone would be there. I remember screaming 'Is there a person in that corner?!' and a woman stepped out and screamed the most demonic scream I have ever heard and said "YES!" Then I let out the most blood curdling scream and ran into a wall. I got so clausterphobic at one point, and I quickly made friends with the people behind me because I was holding on of their hands. Someone grabbed me too at one point and I grabbed them back thinking it was Rebecca when it wasn't. When we finally got out we were screaming and laughing because it was that good.

We stayed there for about three hours. Running into buildings and watching a voodoo ceremony. We watched a firedance at the end of the street where a derranged man was saying how the only way to get rid of the epidemic was to burn the people. The music was eerie because there was a cult firedance behind one of the barns. You could hear people screaming everywhere, the little kids were getting chased by the deformed towns people. One old lady started laughing hysterically.

We were so cold by the time we got out, but we certainly had an amazing time. My throat is sore today from screaming, laughing and yelling. And I am definatle going to take my kids there when I have them. As for today, I have cheer from 2:30 to 5:30, which to me is a REALLY long time and I don't enjoy that. There goes my sunday.

Then school tomorrow. Oh yay.

xoKristen.

FUCK LYFE!

You know, I am so just here. I feel so...asleep. I don't exactly feel hurt anymore, I don't feel happy. I don't feel sad, or angry. I feel...dead. I don't know what better way to put it. School is a great distraction for me. Alot of people probably have no idea what I'm thinking about when I'm staring at the whiteboard. You know, the Corner where there is no writing? People have no idea that lately when I smile, I'm actually thinking about what a liar I am to be smiling.

Today was a good day. Everyday has been, just a good day. Nothing really exciting, nothing new. I am tired of feeling guilty for things that happened weeks ago, months ago. I wish that I could just stand up on my roof and yell. I feel like such a better person than alot of people. I feel really mistreated. I am in awe really, thinking about everything that has happened to me, everything that Chris has done. I did alot of contemplating that today. Thinking alot about what he did. I realized one thing. And that is that I am not a strong enough person, and I guess I don't have enough self respect to go up to him and tell him that what he did to me was not okay, despite how friendly I act towards him. That having a new girl just days after a breakup is completely and morally backwards and even though I smile, and I laugh, I don't think were cool most of the time.

How I cannot believe all the bullshit that has come from his mouth. I just take too much crap in my opinion. In my opinion, what I;'m doing isn't strong. It isn't heroic, or impressive. I am not giving myself enough self respect, letting myself know what I deserve. Of course, all my friends say "Kristen you deserve better" or "Kristen he is a complete jerk" But thats not how I knew him. The person that I knew would never disregard my feelings this way. I feel like I'm living in a dream world. If you had told me a month ago that things would turn up this way, I would have laughed. Would have said "Chris loves me too much to ever pull something like that" But I'm beginning to feel like I can't believe or hold onto anything that ever happened between us. And I hate to say this, but maybe it was just a lie. The summer days have drifted away, and maybe I was just a fling for him. I feel like such an idiot dwelling on it. I feel like an idiot because the entire summer I never knew what was going on with him or anyone. He never told me. The week he told me he did weed during the summer, was the week I cried on the phone and he said "I know this hurts you and I'm sorry" And then a couple days ago he laughed and said "That week in the summer you called me, I had done it 4 times"

And even though he isn't 'mine' I wanted to slap him across his little face. That partially gave me the little heads up I need that it wasn't all my fault. Because the boy obviously didn't know what honesty was. I need to move the fuck on quicker! I got a text from him today that I am pretty sure was supposed to go to Sarah. How lovely is that? I can't bear to think of myself telling him to step out of my life, I know it would help me in the long run but I can't even think of how hard it would be. But I also can't bear thinking of him sticking around, and all the rumors swirling around him and Sarah and all the things I need to get over on my own.

Fuck this!

Subject change. because I am slowly feeling this getting old. Today in Drama class my teacher tried the relaxation technique on all of us. It's like a type of hyptnosis. We all lay on the ground, close our eyes. She turns off the lights and plays this really serene music and talks. She says things like "The ground is opening up, you fall below it, your heavy. Your head feels like a rock" And she just talks like that for about an hour. We've done it before, but this time I felt myself losing it. I don't know if I fell asleep, I don't know if I was daydreaming. But I found myself tuning out to what she was saying, and I THINK i might have slept, but I definately daydreamed about something. I remember thinking about everything, and I kept trying to tell myself to focus on what she was saying, and eventually I just lost track of everything completely.

When we all woke up, she explained that the major part of this practice, is to get us so lost in our thoughts that we can't hear her anymore. And that literally is what happened to me. I found out my Math unit exam mark, 56 %. Which Sucks. But my average is 60, which my teacher tells me is okay because it will only go up from there. Language Arts was painfuly boring, and I hate that I only have one class with Caroline because I miss her.

Afterschool today, I was pissed off. Saw Chris walking, for once didn't fucking care that he was with a bunch of girls. Lost 20 bucks biking to Emma's house. Just an overall stupid day, and tomorrow better go fast because I am going to the Farm of Fear with Tim and the guys. And apparently people chase you with Chain Saws and whatnot. I am super scared but super stoked. I invited Chris. Might have been a bad idea. I find it funny that all of his 'best friends', like Adam and Daniel, have stopped calling him when they have sasuage fests. I am surprised because one of the main reasons I would get blown off in the summertime by Chris was because he wanted to hang out with his Bros. And now he is ignoring his bros and hanging out with Sarah. Wow. She must be something wonderful.

Today is alot more AUTO

I am so happy. Today I felt just, Me. I felt like a normal kid. Well, maybe not a normal kid since normal teenagers usually have feelings of hatrid towards the world on a regular basis. I woke up today, my heart felt heavy as it usually does when I wake up. I felt kind of desperate and sad as I got ready for school. But, I mean I am starting to be like I was at the end of grade nine. My happiness level is exceptionally higher, but still exceptionally low. But I'm not contemplating life as I have been. I'm going into my coasting mode.

'Coasting' isn't the healthiest thing. For me, it feels like it. I block out my irrational thoughts. I ignore the certain people around me. Life becomes a game, one that all I am really focused on is the next step. The next move persae. And I like it. What i'm doing will probably eventually turn into bottled emotions. But for once I feel like I need to do something good for me, and stop talking about it, stop dwelling on it, stop repeating the past in my head. I am always picturing the words that were given and recieved and it just hurts so bad. I feel like running my head through the wall, ripping out every blood vessel in my body, and hurtling myself into the ocean to die. One minute I'll be sitting in Drama watching a performance, and then the roof just opens up and rain falls from the sky, each with a reflection of something. Then I hear words in my head, things like "You won't ever lose me", Or "I will always care about you" . Even the words we said before fucking highschool. That was the worst today. Just being hung up on the fact that the day before school I was with him, talking about how the summer changed us for the better and how we would conquer highschool together even if we wern't.

It's so dumb. I just feel kind of agitated towards it I guess. I know that I am getting over it though. It's just really an unsettling feeling knowing the way things have turned out, the last few times I was finally starting to feel secure.

Today I got my science test back, and got a higher mark than most people in the class. I love Science though, I love talking to Alyssa. She's like this ray of sunshine, one of those people who you just need to be in a good mood when your around her. Doesn't mean I still didn't want to shoot myself in the eyeball, because I got a review package with like 8 pages.

Then Chris came over after school. He said he didn't want to go home, so I just offered to hang out. I'm pissed off at the way I acted. It's like I can't even savour the moment of him wanting to be my friend anymore. The things I did...I'm embaressed by the way that I act. Now I'm just going to have to get over the fact that I keep ruining my chances at a normal friendship. I definately shouldn't have tried to blaze, we should have just chilled. I don't know exactly what I was thinking.

ANYWAY it was nice at least. It's cool were trying. Rebecca came over after and we just chilled. Now though, I have to finish my homework, so I'll peace!

Realizations hitting like several bullets

Life definately feels like a complete joke sometimes. After sunday's incident at my dinner table with my baked mother and her boyfriend, I feel like all respect for her has dived out the window. It's funny, and I don;t really care, but today Gage showed me all her hidden stashes, and it just became so real. I don't know whats going on outside my little bubble because I am so caught up in myself and my own dramatic teen problems.

I am starting to feel the overwhelming feeling of stress overcoming me. I had a math unit exam today, and I am so glad its over with. I know that I didn't get a good mark, I know that I tried my best to study what I could. I hate the tests, and the stress, and how coming home just brings me to this alienated place where I don't even know the people I live with. My mom is so far gone sometimes, if she's not baked, she's yelling at all of us, swearing. Basically being a huge hypocrite because of all the things shes asked me to do. I actually said "Fuck you" to my mom yesterday. She came home from work today all giddy because she gets to keep her office, and all of a sudden everything is fine again. Shawn is his same weird self, lying on the floor with the dog and stroking its belly while we are all at the dinner table. I'm not even supposed to sit on my chair in a lazy fashion.

It just gets more and more comical everytime I look at it. My mom is so messed up. Shawn is like an 18 year old boy. Now that the talk of weed is all out on the table he just openly talks about it. He said to me today at dinner, "Your friend Zaina was talking about how she was fucking this guy in the back of a pickup" I just stared at him. Being my moms boyfriend you'd think shed say something. I just looked at him and said "You probably have the story wrong because you were baked out of your mind" and my mom laughed at that, then he said "How high was I? I would have to have been over 100 degrees to be baked" Gage thought it was funny at least. I just rolled my eyes. Then after we were all cleaning the dinner table my mom started talking about how she did shrooms once and she didn't like it. The whole time I just kind of coasted along cleaning the table. But now that I have escaped up to my bedroom I'm a little like..."What the fuck?"

I am desperately trying to upload my music onto my page. The music that I do have up, isn't my best work. My best song I can't even get up on Imeem because Imeem is stupid. I am trying to draw my Spanish language poster and it's failing BIG time. And I have a language arts vocabulary test tomorrow. Which, happens to be the most pointless thing in existance.

Also, afterschool today I went to Starbucks with Chris. Today was exponentionally better than yesterday because Elly was nice enough to not bring up anything about Chris and Sarah. My mind was focused on school pretty much all day, and I had good classes overall. Just alot of focus on school, not alot on my outside world. Not alot on Chris. My dad thinks that when I see him I'm just opening up the 'goddam' wound all over again. Or that's how he puts it. Yesterday when we went for an escape car ride we sat there in silence and then he finally said "I'm pissed off at people. I'm mad at Chris. I'm mad at Caroline. I'm mad at your mom. I'm mad at Shawn. I'm mad at Sarah. Why can't these people stop fucking with my little girl?"
That's why my dad is my hero. I just laughed, especially when he said "I'm mad at Chris" He said it like he was five years old. He says that it will be impossible to have a friendship. He says alot of things. On our drive yesterday he brought me to tears because alot of the things he says are just kind of like, This is how things are. This is reality. He said 'Things between you will never be the same. You will most likely never ever be close to him again' I only cried because I was mourning the loss of something that was once really good.

I think seeing him, does the opposite of what my dad thinks. For the first time, when I saw him, I didn't feel this urge to hug him, or hold his hand, or even when he was shivering at the bus stop, something I used to find so cute, I didn't feel like holding him. I didn't really care I just kind of glanced at him and laughed. Other than that, seeing him makes him seem more real. Makes my situation more real. It kind of secures how I feel, it gives me room to see things clearly. I was thinking today, about how when sometimes I sit in class, old memories creep into my head and lighten my mood but when I recall them they seem so distant its like they never happened. It's like I was daydreaming about all the moments I had. But I wasn't. Chris is slowly starting to feel like this faraway dream that never happened. Seeing him, brought me back to reality, but it made me feel like I didn't need him to be perfectly honest.

And that, is exactly what I want. I can't play this person anymore. It's been three weeks. To him, it's like a lifetime. He pities me, he feels guilty. And I KNOW he does. I feel stupid texting him, I avoid trying too hard to make plans. I want to be wanted, I don't want to become forceful. I don't want him to feel bad for me. So, I am doing what I can to appear really strong everytime he comes around. I started wearing eyeliner and alot more makeup that I ever have, (people have been telling me lately how beautiful my eyes look). I have been taking the time to think up different hairstyles. I try my best to smile as often as I can. Even though it may not be genuine yet, because of all the hurt that still takes place inside me, I know that one day it will catch on and it will be.

All I can do right now, is keep doing what I'm doing. Blogging really gets the words out. Blogging unleashes the hurt. It's like the cure to keeping things bottled up. I am sad, I am disapointed and sometimes I really REALLY miss the summer time. But I love life, and I just realized how much I did today. I was walking home from starbucks, enjoying every second of being outside. The trees are all basically naked, but I loved the wind in my hair, and my dorky little glove/mittens, and my new scarf that I was wearing. I reminsced on the summertime, I felt a little sad because I know that two years down the road I will remember this as the summer of my life so far, (I hope). I will never EVER forget this summer. I will never EVER forget the amazing people I got to spend my time with. There will always be a little space in my heart that still hurts because the goodtimes are gone. And it's a big punch in the face to come to terms with something like that.

I will never get to hang out with my crew again. Tim and Caroline will no longer kiss in a tent on Daniels lawn, I won't ever be holding Chris' hand and opening the tent and laughing at them, drunk and passed out in their sleeping bags. I won't ever get to just lie down with Chris and talk about stuff. I will never get to go camping with Chris' family, and I won't ever be their favorite again. I won't ever get to have crazy nights with all those amazing people. I will never kiss Chris again. I will never get to have talks with Caroline about Chris and Tim. I will never get to dance in front of the mirror at Carolines and house and being so overly happy about my boyfriend. There are alot of Never wills. There is alot of pain and sadness. Still alot of anger, 'Why did you have to end it?' Alot of 'We could still be in that place'. But he doesn't want to be. And I'm not allowed to be.

And I am taking the next exit onto 'Lets Move On Road'. Because I know me, and I know once I get over this, there will be a big possibility to be friends, but it might be shot down if I no longer care. I am constantly making the mistake of putting this on my shoulders. Dad always says to me

"Kristen, it's nothing you've done. It's just the way things turn out" And alot of the time I need a reality check like that. Dad said last night, with a bit of sadness in his voice but he meant all the best;

"Kristen, He didn't dump you because he wanted to be alone" And he left it at that. "There will be other boys for you. And other girls for him. It just wasn't meant to be"

And I know he's right. And I will always know he was right. And I will never forget the summer. I will never forget. But I have to move on.

The world is a little bitch.

I don't know what God's plan was for me today. I don't know if he woke up, and decided that I had done something wrong and that I deserved all the shit that was thrown at me today. I am sick and fucking tired of things not turning out the way I want. I am tired of being kicked when I am down. How many times do I have to say that? I realized that my blog has quite a few viewers, including Chris' new love interest. And, I just want to make one thing clear to everyone who was having a fun time with the gossip today.

I never wrote a blog about Elly beating Sarah up. I wrote a huge blog that day, maybe 12 paragraphs, one sentence was about Elly and joking about beating her up, and that wasn't even how it went down. It was Brenna who did it to cheer me up and Elly just laughed saying it was funny. So everyone, (you know who you are) that is giving Elly beef about it, grow up. Honestly. Everyone including Sarah who keeps telling others that I hate her, I don't. Everyone that thinks I am this angry ex girlfriend on a physco rampage, that including Chris. Back off. I am just trying to live my life and get over the past.

The one person who is telling all that those two people are dating, shut up. I am exhausted with my life. I am exhausted with the rumors, with my hurt. I cried in drama class today for the entire class because of a rumor. I sent a semi angry text message because of something that wasn't true. I have wasted my life fighting for something I don't even need to fight for. I am fed up as SHIT. My school life is a complete joke, and as of yesterday night so is my home life. My mom is a huge pothead, who likes to take out her shit on me. I had a huge argument with her tonight, which led to her calling me a little bitch and me leaving with my dad. I am so angry, i can't even put it into words that even express how I feel.

I am barely sad. I am on the edge of my seat. My teeth are all gritted. My mind is racing at a thousand times a minute. I am pissed off. I am tired. I hate gossip. I am starting to believe that life is a fucking joke. Today was absoulutely horrible for me. I remember coming into drama, Elly burst out the door shouting that he was dating her. I Barely paid attention all class because my head was in my hands, focusing on keeping the tears inside my eye sockets. My mind was getting so narrow. I tried to make sense of everything. Am I really that bad? I can deal with a fucking breakup. What I can't deal with is being replaced. I am hating existance. I am hating my mother. I am hating my friends. I am hating people that lied about caring. I have 8 pages of math due tomorrow and its 9:00 right now.

I am putting music on my page as we speak. MY MUSIC. Music that I wrote. I am trying to get four songs up. The first one I wrote with Caroline. It doesn't have alot of personal meaning, its just general. About feeling invisible.

• "Invisible"
  I'll never, leave you behind.
  The truth is
  Love we will find
  
  So take this
  and make it come true
  We shall hold on
  and think about what matters to you
  
  CHORUS: And I, wonder if you see me
  And I, Need you to believe me
  Cause today, I'm afraid.
  
  You ignore me, when shes around
  she doesn't, deserve the attention anyhow
  So how do, you expect us to be just friends?
  
  :CHORUS:
  
  You know I'm here to stay,
  Stay
  

This one, I wrote with Caroline. It's just the basic life of a teenager. Struggling with trying to stay in other peoples eyes. Staying important to people. When I wrote it, I didn't have a particular thing in mind. I know she did. She had alot of things going on.

• "Label Of a Bestfriend"
  
  somedays the clouds block the sunset
  Somedays the sky rains true
  There she is, label of a bestfriend
  Her eyes shine mischevious blue
  
  Her hands have a pocketful of reason
  Her mouth a mouthful of lies
  Only she feeds on your sorrow
  Who on earth could she be
  
  The phonecall and mistakes
  The tears fall from your face
  The misunderstanding lives on
  
  She says who knew who cares chill out breath air
  Its not a big deal
  Your hands are clasped tight the worry brings you fright
  Somehow its all thanks to her
  
  Everyday and word spent on listening
  Somehow gets turned away
  here he comes smile bright like sunshine
  His green eyes glow in the room
  
  You watch her and her insensitive words
  that infectious laughter fills you
  something inside you breaks it breaks
  How could she do this to you?
  
  There she is label of a bestfriend
  A traitor of all that is true
  Nothing was ever cherished like laughter
  all that matters was hurting you
  
  The Door it finally closes the smile wiped off her face
  There you go label of an ex friend
  No more does she matter to you
  No more will she matter to you
  No more
  
  Label of an ex friend
  No more could she ever will she ever could she never matter to you
  

This one, is kind of funny. I wrote it when I was in a semi fight with Morgan. She called me up late one night while at a party that I wasn't invited too. She started blabbing about how Chris was talking to Cassandra and stuff and this was the girl he had previously liked. I started crying and she got upset with me and told me to stop and I was being stupid and stuff. The 'green eyed boy' is Chris. I remember the first time I sang it to him, we wern't going out or anything and we were sitting in the den upstairs and I played it to him and when that line came I put my head down and started laughing and he just hugged me after and told me he loved it.

• "Sunshine"
  
  Let me explain to you
  What I mean when I say I love you
  It's not a maybe thing
  It's as final as the snow and the rain
  
  Everything you need in me
  I feel like I should tell you what I see
  Maybe the boy has lost his way
  Or maybe its me being too upset to say
  
  Chorus: You are the sun in my blue sky
  and the blue in the sky surrounds you too
  The green in the grass, is as fresh as your smile
  The white clouds above could go for miles
  
  Holding over what I stand for
  Hope you know what its doing to me
  I thought it would die out but I can't take anymore
  But you are my love and I'll never walk out that door
  
  REPEAT CHORUS
  
  Hey I'm glad we sorted this out
  It doesnt mean I dont still hurt and want to shout
  But darling your my light at the end
  As much as I adore you, I still wish you'd understand
  
  Inside the pain may still be there
  But being with you makes me care

Uhm. This one is self explanitory. This song, I just played it on my guitar and I'm kind of on the verge of tears. When I wrote it, I was or rather I thought (being so dramatic) I was so in love. And when I sang it to Chris he hugged me and held me and told me he loved when I sang for him it made me feel special. It was just about the time we started aruging about drugs and what not and I felt so desperate for him to understand, but I didn't want to make things weird or to argue to much so instead I wrote a song.

• "You're the winner"
  Every star and every heartbreak
  Leads to, a road thats hard to take
  
  Every teardrop every crazy thought of you
  Brings me to my knees
  
  You were my escape my best friend
  and I, dont know what I did
  
  Did to deserve this hopelessness It's unheard
  but I will try to stay strong
  
  Every simple and frusterating encounter
  Reminds me
  I can't believe that I was so dumb
  Were we just a lie?
  
  and I know what I thought what I felt
  I hate you for
  All that you have given up on with me
  I thought you cared
  
  The worst part is my broken heart
  And all the things you said
  
  Do I really need to try?
  Congradulations on your prize
  You are the winner this time
  You have won this round
  
  I think I'll always hold on to you even if I dont want to
  
  Sometimes I think that there will always be
  A small part in your forgotten heart
  For me
  

This one is self explanitory too. Alot of hurt within this. I wrote it like two weeks ago in a mad rage. I changed alot of the words.

To me, music is a way to just let go. To talk in this language that will cause people listening to really understand. I love the way when I play the guitar my fingers just get out all this rage when I sing. All my songs are a bit too happy at the moment, but that can change. My Piano song, is amazing I just thrash my fingers and I feel so good after. Like I just wish everyone could hear it. hopefully by the time anyone reads this, my songs will be on my page? :)

Everything's spinning around. And it's freaking me out.

I definately write too much. Too many blogs, so little time to say everything I feel! Writing gives me such pleasure to just lay everything out on the table. It lets me read my previous thoughts and try to overcome them rationally. I visited this girls page today who is in a few of my classes, and it said

"I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there's always two sides. I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it iss to stop annd think. I've leaarned that you either control your attiitude or it controls youu. I've learned that maturiity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them, than how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned that it isn't enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you just have to learn how to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how badly your heart is broken, the world won't stop for youu. I've learned that back- grounds and circumstances might have influenced who you are, but we are responsi- ble for the people we become. I've learned that you can't make somebody love you, all you can do is be somebody who can be loved. I've learned that the word 'love' has many meanings, but it loses value when over-used and most importantly, I've learned that no matter how old or wise you think you are, life never stops teaching "

I'm not sure if she wrote this herself, I have a hunch that she did. I'm not sure if she lives by it, but she seems like the kind of person to hold her head high when times get rough. I want to be that person. I hate myself lately for everything that I think. My dad always reminds me that as teenagers we are so focused on what we don't have, we don't realize how good we have it. And he is completely right. I never take the time to look around and smile at the things that I do have. I'm realizing that everyday that goes by, my smile is a little more honest, my goals get clcoser and closer to coming true. I just can't over the small fact that my heart still feels like its broken. I'm not going to be dramatic and say "everything reminds me of him" Because, I don't feel those feelings for him necessarily. I feel for the boy from the summertime. And I don't think I'll ever see that boy again. I just know that small things throughout my day that once made me smile, now make me feel so defeated.

Like the stupid Horse he won me at Klondike days this summer. I laughed when he won it for me, and I once loved it so much. I brought it with me between both my houses, and said it was Half Sea Horse, and half Peacock. I remember saying "its a Pea-horse! Or a Sea-cock" I used to hang it over the headboard on my bed, and at night I would just smile laughing at how ugly it was and how much he had wanted me to have something better. I'll never forget the guy from the booth either. He was this big man and he was smiling and called us over, as much as we tried to ignore him. He tried so hard to convince us to pay him, he asked our names and then laughed "Chris and Kristen? Did you plan that?" It was the very first day of Klondike days, (I refuse to call it Capital X) and it really was one of the highlights of my summer. That night we were trying to find a way to get back to my house before it was too late because he was leaving for BC for three weeks in the morning. We ended up taking a subway and running desperately to keep up with his older brother and his girlfriend since she had to be home at a certain time. I don't remember what we had been talking about but I remember laughing and holding his hand running around the University Campus trying to find his dads car. That night before he left I almost cried, because it seemed like so long and I stood with him on his doorstep for about 15 minutes before I finally walked down the sidewalk, and then ran back for one last hug.

Wow, that kind of sucked to reminsce about. I don't understand my life sometimes. Today Stephanie and Zaina came over, and my mom actually was high and so was Shawn. My dad always tells me they smoke weed together and I started paying attention and found out he was telling the truth. My mom came in and she smelled like weed and she was swatting at me telling me it was none of her buisness, Shawn called her a pothead shortly after I did, Gage walked in and mom started talking about him getting arrested and me getting caught sneaking out on friday and I just walked into the living room with a text message open from Chris on my phone, went up to the mirror and started laughing. And Stephanie was already kind of freaked out, anybody that meets my mom she is like the typical buisness woman with the cropped brown hair and the nice house that she has worked her entire life to keep clean and nice. And she looked at me and said "You don't know how physco your being" I just continued laughing and looked at her after glancing at the text message and said "Stephanie my life is such a joke" I know its one of those moments where someone says "Ugh I hate my life" and you just roll your eyes at them because they don't know how good they have it.

But I don't understand my life anymore. I don't get it. Regular people don't have pothead mothers who on the outside are the equivalent of Mega Bitch in heels and a pencil skirt. Regular people don't continue texting their ex boyfriend several times a day to talk about Weed, or annoying siblings, or their lives. Regular people don't come home laughing about getting caught sneaking out, and having it shrugged off by their parents. Regular people don't care this much! I am not a regular person and my life is far from ordinary, it's pretty dam exciting. But sometimes I just think I could do without the excitement. Sometimes I think I should write a book. It could be called "Diaries of Real Life Teen angst" Or something more creative.

There is a song on my page, it's written by Lesley Roy. In it she says "Inside everythings upside down, spinning around, and it's freaking me out" Her songs put me on the edge of my seat sometimes. It's like the songs were made exactly for me. For my situations. I woke up today feeling sad, my eyes were red from crying briefly last night. I was quiet as I ate my breakfast. Stephanie came over and I felt my care for my situations fly out the window and I started making fun of my problems as if they wern't important. Zaina came over and we watched 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall" And I felt the same feelings creeping back up on me like some unexpected fog. And now, as I sit here...I feel a mix of everything. Inside everythings upside down, spinning around, and it's freaking me out.

I dont know how to stop it. I am on this constant physcotic roller coaster called life and I really, really would like for it to go in another direction for a change. I expect it to crash sometimes. But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep exposing myself to things that are bad for me. I can't keep this toxic relationship with someone because I want it in my heart so bad to be with him, but I want it in my heart to be without him. I want him to be gone but I want him here. Like Alyssa put it, "I want to be free". How do I fucking move on? I should not be allowed to get into relationships. This is the outcome. I don't understand.

Been there, fucking done that.

*Sigh* I don't understand growing up sometimes. I REALLY miss this. I don't know if its simply because I am a teenager. I don't know if its because I'm just an overall dramatic person. Do other people handle this differently than I do? I am exhausted with myself and my non consistant life. More than anything I want to be carefree. And I hate this constant roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I am so happy. Everything is in such good perspective. I feel confident that a friendship will work. I feel confident that a couple months from now I will be like "Yeah Chris is a really good friend. We dated once, but were cool now"

I want to love the summertime that I had without having this longing for it that brings me to tears everytime I think about it. I want to be able to hold onto grade nine forever because everytime I think about it I'm brought to this desolant place because I was so incredibly happy. I am still in shock with the way things turned out. I am completely hung up on the summer. It hurts me so incredibly bad the way that things are turning out. I am not someone who does well with Change, especially if it's so heartwrenching like it has been. I don't know why Chris had to find someone else so quickly. I don't know why he had to get over me so quickly, leaving me feel like I was in the wrong for having feelings.

I don't know why. I don't understand life sometimes. I am a good person. I keep repeating that because I want to believe its true. "Was it something that I said was it something that I did? Cause I gotta know what made me unbeautiful" I just want to know what I ever did to deserve this. I am trying as best as I can to see this as a learning experience. I mean, hell. This is the first time something like this has ever happened. I think of life as a reality check. I think it might just be fate telling me that things like this happen. Maybe its because this was my first 'love' or however my dad calls it. Maybe I'm just not used to this. My parents are both telling me there will be alot more heartache in my life. I just feel so confused.

I don't know who I am. Where I am. I hate living sometimes. I just hate getting up in the morning to face school and to face the bus ride, to face the rumors and the gossip I hate hearing about Sarah. I hate feeling like I was just this shrug in someones life, someone who didn't matter. I hate that I blog about it all the time. I hate that everyone reads it, but at the same time I want them too.

I want them to understand without me having to say much. I want to go back to the summertime when I would play Mario Kart Wii with Chris' little brother. I want people to care about my feelings. I want to know Chris, I want him to be who I thought he was. I want to move on. I want to forget. I want a friendship, but I don't want one. I want to be okay. I want him to care and tell me that the summer wasn't a waste of time and he really did love me at one point. I want to stop being so dramatic! I want good friends. I have good friends. I want to move away! I need to get away.

Today, I'm not going to cheer because I have no way to get to the gym. So, I'm going to study again like yesterday, I'm going to make myself tea and see Zaina and maybe we can rake leaves together or something soothing. I want to get my mind off of everything and I want to be in a solid state of mind. I want all of this to fucking pass. I hate lying in bed at night, trying to sleep but I can't because I'm on the verge of crying but I know that crying makes me even more pathetic, and prevents me from sleep. Sleep is the only time I can get away. Unless I have dreams about it of course, which sometimes I'm scared to sleep because I always have them.

I don't know what to do. I think Im just going to focus on school. Dad always says that when people go to school they often forget why they're there.

I'm still simple Kristen

I am most definately in a writing mood today! I'm not sure why. I just know that I have alot of things I feel like saying, but not necessarily so publicly but I guess it has to be done somewhere.

I'm scared. I'm not scared for a test, for an event, for anything, but the general future. I really don't want people to hate me. I feel like writing blogs is a bad thing. Everytime I get into any depth about myself people have beef to pick with me. I want to be able to voice my thoughts without feeling like I'm doing a bad thing.

Like today, When someone texted me asking me if I wrote a blog about her wanting to beat up a certain someone. And I wrote a blog with probably 15 paragraphs, and that was about half of a sentence within the entire thing. And apparently the girl she 'wanted to beat up' was super pissed. I don't want people to hate me. I want people to know that I don't hate anyone.

I really don't. I don't want Sarah walking around telling people that I hate her because I don't. I don't want her thinking that I'm this chick who has this loathing hate for her whenever I hear her name. I just act like I do sometimes, to build some kind of wall. I am well aware that in the Archbishop Macdonald world, I am like this ghost. An imprint, a name that people know but I've never really seemed real. People have no idea who I am, and I don't think they care. But I feel like they shrug off the fact that I did have something with Chris once, and that I do matter. I do! And I'm not this hateful, overbearing person that people think I am.

I'm just sad. That's all. People say things when their sad. I have alot of jealousy. That much is certainly and most definately clear. But I'm a person. I feel like it would be different if I went to mac. then maybe people would recognize that I have feelings too. I'm not just this random summer fling of Chris' during the summer. At one point I did matter. I am tired of the gossiping, and the text messages I keep getting. I am so tired. I don't want to have to deal with people telling me things I already know. "Did you know they hooked up?"

I told my mom today it would be incredibly nice to just move away. Where people wern't interested in my past, but only where I stood at the moment. I am the invisible girl that everybody knows about and it sucks. I hate hearing things about my life, I hate hearing about his life. Her life. I'm not a part anymore. I don't want to be. Alyssa wrote this amazing blog today, about how she doesn't want to be best friends, she wants him. She wants him to be gone. She wants to be free and move on. And so badly I want to show everyone that I am a strong person, that I don't need to hang on to someone that everyone says never deserved me in the first place.

I don't know what to do. I am still the same old Kristen, although alot of people might beg to differ. I am still goofy and silly. I still love being outside more than anything. I love watching movies with my friends, having sleepovers. I LOVE starbucks. I love sitting on my roof and looking at the few stars at night. I like simple things. But all of these simple things are bombarded by the shit thats over flowing, the things I don't want to deal with. I know for a fact that I am a good person. And I know that I am fun, and loveable. I just don't see where I went wrong to make so many people so careless about hurting me.

I have feelings.

"Maybe I'm mad, or maybe I'm proud"

I don't understand. I really don't. I am so confused as to why everything always has to broken? Why can't some things just turn out the way you planned for once? I wish for once in my entire life I could predict the way something would happen and the world would have enough courtesy to light the way and give me what I asked for. I was really starting to have a good time these last couple of days. My mood was pretty high except for the couple grumpy periods at school. Other than that I was starting to realize that being on my own was okay enough for me. Of course, the subject of that girl still made me a little shifty eyed.

The thing Is, I know I am a good person. I am not the kind of person to sit there and talk badly about someone that I don't even know. All I have to feed off on are the things that people say. How she got alot of guys in junior high so she has a big ego, she thinks highly of herself, shes selfish. But thats alot to generate from peoples comments about her. They could be completely wrong. So, I am trying to avoid those kinds of conversations. For some reason, when I slept over at Morgans last night and we got into her house around 12:30, someone starting texting me, feeding me lines about telling me the truth.

Last night, I can admit I was kind of messed up, so I kind of went off like a firecracker not exactly choosing my words carefully. I guess he picked that night, (lovely) to manifest all the things he has lied about to me in a text message. So, first off he did 'hook up' with that girl. He didn't forget to leave out either the fact that it was 'completely his idea and his fault'. Because for some reason I feel like he wants me to feel like shit and be fully aware that HE was the one who pounced on her and that she is a great person. And that, for some crazy reason I should respect her and not trash talk her which is kind of hard to do when her name pops up everywhere I go. His excuse was sort of like "You were going to find out sooner or later"

And those things, took me back to square one. I am back to where I was. The funny thing is, I did get over the stupid things like missing the memories. But most people don't need to go through things like this on top of a breakup. For that, I am internally sad and I cried myself to sleep last night, while I was half drunk and half high and shivering because I was cold, crying because I felt completely alone and unloved and ugly and stupid, and that I felt like puking the entire night. Once I got home in the morning, I had a really long shower and cried my hearts content out in there because if I cry in the shower mom can't hear me, mom won't notice if I come out with tears on my face, she'll think its water. Then I sat in front of the TV. on my ass, my stomach was growling so loudly, but unlike most people when I am depressed are chronically sad I can't eat a thing. Food makes me sick. But as I was sitting there he started texting me again and I battled with myself for about 5 minutes before I picked up my phone and read it. And he said "We fail at life!"

There you go. His failing attempts at trying to have a normal friendship with me. Not only that but he scolded me for being 'sucidal', scolded me for 'hating sarah', and told me that we best look at this situation in positive light rather than negative light. As well, he begged me to stop fighting with him. And it was kind of hard, especially since he takes my heart crushing feelings extremely lightly. He sent me a text that said "Yes, I do move on quickly. But I know you don't, and your sensitive"

If thats not the stupidest thing I've ever heard I don't know what is! It left me angry, and I tried my best to tone down the things I wanted to say because he doesn't need this and neither do I. He just said K. Back. And then disappeared into the realm of text messages. I was so furious after that I sat in a ball on the couch crying hysterically until my mom came and told me to stop. It's just dumb. That's all I can really say. I am absolutely tired of feeling so sorry for myself. I feel like the biggest loser on this planet for dragging this out for so long. If I could change myself, trust me I would make sure that I would just turn a cold shoulder to this whole thing and act completely icy to the world for a month or two, while I dealt with my shit on the inside.

Instead, everytime I get a text message I feel like typing away my little hearts consent to somebody who is fed up with me. I can read it in his eyes whenever I see him, I can tell he just wants to get past this so he can be with his new girl and I can hop off his baggage train. I can tell in the text messages that he struggles to say what I want to hear, but he doesn't feel the need to try so hard anymore since were not together. I know, for a fact that I shouldn't be writing all of this stuff so personally. But I also know for a fact that it's ridiculous how these things happen and just when everything seems like it might be okay the feelings come creeping back up on you and suck you back down to the beginning and the person whose causing it, is so hopeless you just want to scream or do something drastic to get other people to feel empathy for your situation.

I guess thats why last night I felt like maybe I would finally get to have some fun. Going to the same boy's house that I did last sunday night and having another party. Except this time, there were more girls, less boys. And the temperature was warmer, the people had pot, and the cops showed up at 1:00 to arrest my friend Rebecca. Lets just say that the party was incredibly boring after awhile, but it was very disruptive, and shortly after Morgan and I left with Lisa after trying to force rebecca to come with us the police showed up and chased all the kids that were there down.

And I'm glad I left before that, although leaving so early peeved me since I distinctly remember morgan promising me we would get to stay out late, and then her mom put a curfew of midnight on us and Morgan again Promised me we could work around it, and when it was just about midnight she yelled at me to get in a cab because we had to be home. So remind me not to party with Morgan, because as Lisa and I predicted at the time we thought she might be acting like she wanted to have this fun time but when she got there she would sit there quietly like she did.

I'm just tired though. I dedicated today for my shower, for my studying, for my soup and a little me time. I could definately go without boys for the rest of my life. I could definately go without parties for the rest of my life. I could just sleep for the rest of my days. Sometimes I wonder about death and how peaceful it must be. Just, not existing. To just have your energy floating around aimlessly through the atmosphere but never having to think or feel pain ever again. Yeah, sometimes it sounds like a pretty nice deal to me.

xoKristen

A surely brightening day today!

For the very first time, I am not particularily in a writing mood. I just ate the last leftovers of turkey dinner, which is kind of disgusting since it was all cooked on sunday, and it's...thursday today...

Anyways, I'm so incredibly glad and thankful that this week is a shortened week because of monday being a holiday. Tomorrow is already friday, and It couldn't come sooner. I've being doing alot of pondering today. I was in a really good mood surprisingly the entire day, and I've never smiled so many times in my life. I had a really good day. And I'm glad to say that I thought about Chris and the whole situation probably three times in total. Which is a superb improvement to the near 200 hundred times the last couple of weeks. The hype is wearing down, the 'poor me' is wearing down. There are way more people in my life that I care way more about than Chris. That sounds harsh, I guess the thing I'm trying to say is there will ALWAYS be a place in my heart for Chris, even when I'm 80. I'll remember him as my first real relationship, and the first person I actually came to love.

I realized when I was about twelve that there is a huge difference between
"Loving someone and being in love, are two completely different things"

I remember the day I came up with it too. I was around twelve or thirteen sitting with my dad in Ottewel and his girlfriend Jacylyn and him had broken up. I think she was the first real love that he had after my mom, and when they broke up I remember being so crushed by how sad he was. Then he dated this chick named Colleen, and when they came to break up he didn't seem as affected. At least not as affected as Jacylyn. I said to him "Daddy, there is a big difference between being in love and loving someone" Loving someone doesn't take a mountain of experiences or really alot of time at all. Loving someone is simply just adoring someone inside and out for the things that they are, or at least the things that you think they are. I love alot of people, I even love people like Tim and Daniel. Where I just love the people that they are, and the things that they say and do. Basically their place in my life.

I have come to realize that life is such a long road. The last couple of weeks I felt so wretched that I tried my best to picture a new love interest and it never worked. I would just keep getting a longing feeling to be held by my old...whatever, that I honestly felt like there was no one else and there never would be and I would be miserable and hating myself for the rest of my days. But today I feel like I had such a breakthrough day, alot of good that I have needed for a while. First of all, I spent La. wasting away. But I had gym class which I have come to love because my teacher is pretty kick ass. Also, this boy in my La class is pretty fine although I think he likes another girl in my class.

I spent Gym class scouting him out when I was running up and down the bleachers in the gym, which is our warmup drill. I kept trying to point him out to lisa "The one with the fauxhawk Lisa! The hot one!" And Lunch was pretty much the same thing. Lisa and I made an oath to go into Miss Martin's class to get math help, which we didn't do but should have. Instead we went to Westmount Mall's food court just across the street, and I stared down the hot boy again and not so conspiculously all three of us stared at him, and then hid when he caught our eyes.

So, that was fun for me. I was laughing in the footcourt telling Lisa "That was the most guy action I've gotten since I've been dumped" and she laughed and pointed out that it was aside from the random makeout I had with that stranger at that other strangers party on friday. Then, Drama class I was thankfully done my monologue since yesterday's class and got to sit back and watch others perform for once. Science class, I always find puts me in either a really great mood, or a really grumpy one. Today, it turned me grumpy unfortunately. I absoulutely loathe measuring things, and doing calculations with forumlas. Its like "If you already have the formula there, can't you just do it for me?!"

Chris texted me randomly today, I find the more I try to do good for myself by not texting him or calling him, I find the more his existance is like a boomerang. Don't get me wrong, I don't scowl when I see he has texted me. I act like I am pissed, and often turn to Elly and say "Guess who just texted me?" And then I might add in a dramatic eye roll for effect. But more than usually I get all excited thinking that just maybe he texted me because he wants to make an effort to make us work as friends. He mentioned that he was in Kelowna, where I was like OH, DAM. Because when we were dating he mentioned this trip his volleyball team was taking to Kelowna in October. So I think thats cool, although he does happen to be over 12 hours away from me at this moment. I don't think it makes that much of a difference. I barely see him anyways other than the occasional desire for him to get some...things, or the fact that there is no other option but taking my bus to get to or from school.

ANYWAYS, after school Elly calls me up, laughing hysterically about how Jesse, this grade twelve boy in our drama class came up to her afterschool asking her if I was single because I was 'hot'. This is the same Jesse that dated this girl Sierra in my drama class, and Brenna, Elly and I got a good little chuckle out of seeing the way they reacted to each other. The same Jesse that once told Brenna in a skit where they ALMOST kissed that he wouldn't mind if they 'slipped'. The same Jesse that told Sierra he wanted to make out with her, his pre-pedofile stage. The same Jesse who Brenna once said "He'll kiss Sierra and rip her face out with his snaggle tooth"

Yea. That Jesse. So I told Elly that I am unfortunately going to have to skip drama for the entire next of the semester. When people like me, I
a) Get incredibly flattered and instantly feel like I'm worth something and that people want me.
b) My ego kind of goes up for a short period of time, and I honestly think I'm the shit.
c) I feel really REALLY guilty and go out of my way to talk to them and make them feel like they are worth something.

Usually it ends up leaving them to think that I return their feelings. I don't know why I'm blogging this, it kind of doesn't matter. I guess I just feel like sharing those little morsals of thoughts.

I have one small thing I still feel like mentioning. The little fact that my doorbell keeps ringing, and just a few minutes ago I stepped outside to see who was ringing it and a bunch of little fat kids were running for cover behind a tiny little hill behind my house. I just wrote a letter and posted it to my front door saying:

"Ring my doorbell again, and I'll kill you. K, Thnx!"

I think it perfectly suits the situation. LOL. I'm actually excited for school tomorrow. I'm excited to hopefully get to math and understand the material and hopefully something will click. I'm excited to go to La so I can get used to the feeling of getting stared at by a really gooda looking boy. I am excited to go to Drama and be whispered upon with Brenna and Elly, trying my best to avoid Jesse since Elly told him I am indeed single. And I am also excited to sit back for another easy class of watching performances.

But, I best be getting along to publishing this so I can work on my science project some more, get some studying in and prepare myself for Cheer which starts in a couple of hours. I haven't been to cheer in a week I am excited!

xoKristen

Perfection is an Opinion, Forever is a myth.

• “They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever.”
  

I came to the conclusion today that forever is word that the human race made up. A word that was discovered on a strand of hope, that maybe just something, something like it existed. If forever was real, if saying together forever was real, then why do people eventually die? Their thoughts no longer holding any value, any relationships they once had are forbidden to continue because it's hard when that person is no longer breathing. If forever were true, then Dinosaurs would still walk the earth. Then maybe in a bajillion years the sun would still be shining over the earth with its people, because that what forever is. Never has the thought shone into the back of our minds that this world, this place we call home, will simply die out one day when the sun flickers out. Maybe by then the human race will be nothing more but a mere memory that once existed upon the earths vastly trudged upon soil.

Today at Wendys my dad and I were talking about a friend of mine and how every single time, or day that I talk to her she reminds me of how 'her life fucking sucks. Seriously' My dad told me that everyone in this world strives for perfection. Whether its dying your hair to an almost yellow color, or plastering that smile on your face every morning despite the feeling of loathing you have towards every single monotonous day. I was picking at my 2000 calorie meal, when I said darkly "Perfection is just an opinion Daddy"

And really, what is perfection? What is forever? Does eternity even exist? Is it healthy to have so many questions and concerns about the world in general? What's real and whats fake? Sometimes I wonder if one day I might just meet a man in an office somewhere, getting told to take the red pill or the blue pill and when I do choose I will wake up in a place where there is no world as we know it. Somedays I truly wonder how a place like this can be filled with so many people that are so differently and ultimately beautiful. I have always been the type of person to see people like onions, as Shrek once put it. Knowing myself, and how many different types of outlooks I have on life. Whether it be my opinion on how nasty mushrooms are, How I think that murder is selfish as shit to think that anyone would ever think its their right to take away a life, how I have crazy mood swings and how much I miss having someone that would just hold me. I mean face it, we are all deep. Even if the deepest thing we can manage to say is "Your Hot"

People become people after years of living on this planet. Everyone's lives are so diverse its impossible to compare yourself to anybody. I was ready another friends' blog that happened to once not be Alyssas (Although I read hers too), And she wrote 12 things about mystery people. I read one, that I had a hunch might be me. It said something along the lines of you need to see the finer things in life, not just getting hammered. I know she's right, I know everyone elses perception of living and what that is. Because from now on I am going to try and enjoy myself in life as much as I can. Drinking with my friends ultimately has become a part of me, just because my friends are me, and I am my friends. And unfortunately thats what they do. No one knows them like I do, as is no one knows me like they do. As well my friends are amazing and brilliant people that one day are going to be so loved for the people they are.

This reminds me of when I was at Rebeccas house one time, being silly like I used to be. And she said "Kristen, I hope you know how lucky Chris is to have you. You are the full package, you are so cute and funny and interesting" I admit at the time I just sort of smiled, but it will go deeper than anyone can ever imagine.

Anyways, I can't sit here too long to contemplate life because I will never get to the end. There are too many things that I don't know or don't understand. Alot of these things are just flying over my head about a million miles a minute. Things I don't know the answers to and probably never will. Why for some people I'm not good enough, when for others I am the entire package. Why for some I am the ugliest person they have ever seen, and for others I am so gorgeous inside and out. Why someone that is willing to let me go (is even giving me a little push in fact), is still hanging onto almost all of my thoughts and dripping in every word.

How even though I am feeling torn to peices about Sarah Pringle's existance and the things that people say she did, keyword: SAY, (Can't always trust the rumors) I still want Chris to be happy, and still at the end of the day I lie in bed thinking about all the bad things I have thought about her, wished upon her, with really not knowing a thing about her except for the fact that someone I really care about thought she was better. You can't live each day with negativity, or with hatrid or despise. Because really the only place it gets you is to an even darker place where your sinister thoughts just hide away turning you so bitter that the only things you can manage to say are terrible things about someone you once looked at with so much love it hurt.

I don't think I will ever get over this summer. I don;t think I will ever get her face out of my mind, or the things that Chris said to me making me feel like I was the prime reason that everything I had been so happy with ended. But I think that some day soon, I will walk along with just as much baggage as the rest of us and be fine with it. The occasional word brought up, the occasional run in with Chris or maybe even driving by Ross Shep 30 years from now, will still tear a little sheet off my heart, but that's what life is all about. Life wants you to love it, and be in love with it. It wants you to show you that things that happen really do happen for a reason. They happen to take you where you are today. Maybe someday whatever happened this year or this summer will come to good use.

I just know at the moment i am still moderately raw about the whole thing. But like I say everyday and like everyone told me, everyday gets a little easier. Slowly and slowly I begin to get used to the fact that he isn't holding me anymore, but some other girl. Maybe someday soon I will have another person that I find what I found in Chris but even more. For the time being I am going to take it one day at a time, with one easy smile and with my friends. Which btw, I have been making quite a few the last couple of weeks.

xoKristen.