Another Rant about breakups. Thats what you get when you read my blogs!

Oh jesus cheesus! I definately am in the mood for a rant. I hate how my moods change and are always so diverse. It makes me sound like I am half crazy, half sane. Like I never know what I'm talking about, and that I'm never happy but I'm never completely over the deep end.

Maybe I'm physco.

I kind of want some excitement in my life right now. I want a boy. I want a hot, manly, loving boy. I want to have a job and make enough money to go out. I want to get good grades and party on the weekends. I want to have fun. And I am trying my absoulute bestest to get out of my little bubble and realize that other people besides me have issues.

One of the main things that calms me down is taking notice that alot of the kids I see in the hallways at school everyday, alot of my friends and family go through situations similar to mine. I'm not alone, and life isn't this wallow of suck. The reason I am so proud of myself is my ability to always feel like living is still this magical thing. Well, not always. But alot of the time. I am the sort of person that needs constant distraction. I need clubs, homework, friends. Stuff like that, when it completely takes up my time I am happy for the time being, which is usually a long time being. I had Cheer all afternoon today, full of stunting and jumps and running and conditioning and dancing. I didn't have time to sit aside and wonder if she was going to his house tonight. I didn't have time to bring that black cloud back down to me and focus on something like replaying the breakup scene inside my head over and over.

I realize that tomorrow is the 4 week mark. Four weeks since we last hugged each other and meant it, four weeks that I looked at him as the complete good guy, four weeks ago that I cried the entire night. Three weeks too long that I've been dwelling on this. I can still make myself cry at night lying in bed and looking at the picture of my grade nine class on my wall. Life is full of choices, and chances, and beauty. I feel so incredibly lucky because of my summer but reading my past blogs, remembering everything that I was feeling near the end, I wasn't happy. I was so worried, so hurt already. I already had spent such a long time crying before it was even over. I never felt like I was good enough, and I realize the pain that I have been feeling is so similar except for now I'm free.

I'm always going to feel pain when I see him, it's no doubt. Sometimes I catch myself looking at him and wanting to apologize just so that he can love me again. And It won't happen. I keep telling myself that I really liked the idea of him, and not him himself. I know that it was a combination of both, because I don't lie when I say I loved him. But I loved what I thought he was. I loved him for being this caring and understanding boyfriend, which he rarely was. I loved him for being open to my feelings, which he wasn't. I loved him for backing away from Sarah when we were dating when they almost hooked up, but he didn't. I loved him for saying he cared, when usually it was a protective glass he would throw up in front of me when he had no idea what to say.

And I'm going to take away everything I can from my summer. I don't want to close my heart, my dad says that hes always scared I won't give all of myself the next time. But I plan too. I hate myself for being so close minded. I swear the past couple of weeks I look at boys at school and I think "Cute. But not Chris" and then I feel like tearing my heart open. It's the most frusterating and hopeless feeling in the entire world. It's so annoying, I read a quote today that said "A breakup hurts, but its the memories that eventually kill you" And it's so true. I know I am a dramatic teenager. I blow things up because my world is the only one that I'm aware of. But knowing that one simple fact, doesn't make it any easier.

Sometimes things seem so hopeless. Sometimes picturing peace for me is to be far away from all of these people. I never know what I want. After cheer today I plugged my ipod headphones in and I usually put my ipod on shuffle because I like the suspense of "Whats going to play next?" (That is why I'm so fond of the radio). And this song called "Clumsy" played by our lady of peace came on. In the summertime that was my absolute favorite song. Whenever I heard it this twinkle came into my eyes and I felt like I was floating in space looking down on my own simple life.

But now, all it does for me is make me clench my fists and get this really uncomfortable feeling. When I actually first heard it I was at miqelon lake with Chris and his family. It was probably around 8:00 in the evening and we were gathered around the fire by his trailer. His mom was cleaning up after dinner, his dad with her. And both of us were sitting there and the neighbouring campsite was so loud they were playing this radio and the song Clumsy came on. And it was so peaceful, the sky was painted with these oranges and pinks. And Chris was just there and I was just there. In the car with Rebecca and her dad I remember clenching my jaw so hard and biting the inside of my mouth to prevent tears.

You know, sometimes I am so mad. I was always so terrified of everything ending. The happiness, the comfort, the overall blissful feeling. Sometimes I feel like I fucked everything up. That the way I handled everything was a prime example of what not to do. I feel like a failure as a person and a girlfriend. And I remember his embrace and I just think "How did I ever take advantage of that?" And then I think of that cliche quote that is unfortunately so true.

You never really know what you've got, until it's gone.

I will never take for granted another human being for as long as I did. Love is beautiful and enticing and blissful, but its short lived and easily thrown away. And I really wish it wasn't.