Been there, fucking done that.

*Sigh* I don't understand growing up sometimes. I REALLY miss this. I don't know if its simply because I am a teenager. I don't know if its because I'm just an overall dramatic person. Do other people handle this differently than I do? I am exhausted with myself and my non consistant life. More than anything I want to be carefree. And I hate this constant roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I am so happy. Everything is in such good perspective. I feel confident that a friendship will work. I feel confident that a couple months from now I will be like "Yeah Chris is a really good friend. We dated once, but were cool now"

I want to love the summertime that I had without having this longing for it that brings me to tears everytime I think about it. I want to be able to hold onto grade nine forever because everytime I think about it I'm brought to this desolant place because I was so incredibly happy. I am still in shock with the way things turned out. I am completely hung up on the summer. It hurts me so incredibly bad the way that things are turning out. I am not someone who does well with Change, especially if it's so heartwrenching like it has been. I don't know why Chris had to find someone else so quickly. I don't know why he had to get over me so quickly, leaving me feel like I was in the wrong for having feelings.

I don't know why. I don't understand life sometimes. I am a good person. I keep repeating that because I want to believe its true. "Was it something that I said was it something that I did? Cause I gotta know what made me unbeautiful" I just want to know what I ever did to deserve this. I am trying as best as I can to see this as a learning experience. I mean, hell. This is the first time something like this has ever happened. I think of life as a reality check. I think it might just be fate telling me that things like this happen. Maybe its because this was my first 'love' or however my dad calls it. Maybe I'm just not used to this. My parents are both telling me there will be alot more heartache in my life. I just feel so confused.

I don't know who I am. Where I am. I hate living sometimes. I just hate getting up in the morning to face school and to face the bus ride, to face the rumors and the gossip I hate hearing about Sarah. I hate feeling like I was just this shrug in someones life, someone who didn't matter. I hate that I blog about it all the time. I hate that everyone reads it, but at the same time I want them too.

I want them to understand without me having to say much. I want to go back to the summertime when I would play Mario Kart Wii with Chris' little brother. I want people to care about my feelings. I want to know Chris, I want him to be who I thought he was. I want to move on. I want to forget. I want a friendship, but I don't want one. I want to be okay. I want him to care and tell me that the summer wasn't a waste of time and he really did love me at one point. I want to stop being so dramatic! I want good friends. I have good friends. I want to move away! I need to get away.

Today, I'm not going to cheer because I have no way to get to the gym. So, I'm going to study again like yesterday, I'm going to make myself tea and see Zaina and maybe we can rake leaves together or something soothing. I want to get my mind off of everything and I want to be in a solid state of mind. I want all of this to fucking pass. I hate lying in bed at night, trying to sleep but I can't because I'm on the verge of crying but I know that crying makes me even more pathetic, and prevents me from sleep. Sleep is the only time I can get away. Unless I have dreams about it of course, which sometimes I'm scared to sleep because I always have them.

I don't know what to do. I think Im just going to focus on school. Dad always says that when people go to school they often forget why they're there.