Today was a really quick day despite the hurtles I felt like I had been jumping over, threw and into all day. First of all, I had a language arts exam first thing in the morning. It was surprisingly easy, and I finished quickly. Second Block I had spanish, which usually is painfully boring because of the fact that I took beginner spanish for the last 4 years, which makes me not so much of a beginner.
Third block was Drama, and I was really scared about presenting my monologue since I only have a page of the two and a half memorized. Luckily she didn't call a presentation today and instead we played ridiculous games like Bang!, and Do you love your neighbor? Fourth period I was even more worried about a math test that my Math teacher had been prepping us for. It was so easy, I don't know where to begin. Not only did we have a substitute but it was also Mrs. Thomas, a subsitute we used to pick on when she taught occasionally at Westminster.
During the test everyone was groaning about how hard it was, but Lisa and I both agreed we thought we aced it. Easily. I think if they can't complete something as easy as that, they are pretty much screwed for the rest of Math 10.
Uhm It's my dads birthday on another note. I wrapped his gift up very proffessionally and left it out on the kitchen table before I went to bed last night. I woke up and I had a text from dad saying "thanks for the gifts" and the gifts spread across my kitchen and dining room. I thought it was funny that he opened it without me because he 'couldn't wait'.
After school I had planned to go to Starbucks with Chris. But because of everything lately, (Surprisingly not everything with me and him, just stuff in his life) I didn't think we would get a chance. We did go to Mac's however, and I bought some M&Ms. It's so weird seeing him. Not in the way that you think. When we were going out we were so comfortable around each other, nothing really phased us, and that feeling is still there. The jokes are still there and the conversations about school, parties, friends. The thing is, it goes so smoothly I almost forget where we stand. Why we are where we are. That when I glance him laughing at something I've said I remember that if this were a couple weeks before today I would be completely latched onto him.
I know now though, that I can't go back. Even though I know I haven't gotten over him in just a week, I know at the same time that I can't go backwards. The place I just came from was full of hurt and tears, why would I want to expose myself to that again? I realize that the reason relationships end is because they have to. Because something isn't right. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Exactly the question. You wouldn't, or shouldn't. I am completely fine with being his friend, with going to Macs casually on a cold fall day, going to his house for cookies and milk and then going home. I am 100 percent fine with that. I am not so fine however with the fact that goodbyes are so weird now, that awkward should we hug? Or should we just say bye and peace?
I struggle with that. I want to come off as the girl who simply just wants to be a friend. I don't want to take either of us back to the place were just coming out of. What it really comes down to is that different schools mold people into different people. Mac has already got him caught up. Homework, parties, girls. It sounds bad, but it's true. He has his new friends, the new interests and scandals and whatever. I tried so hard throughout september to stay 'loyal' to one person that I didn't go out and make any new friends at all. I didn't talk to any boys, I didn't even wander that far away from Lisa, Rebecca or Caroline.
But now I see that life goes alot farther than just one person. That although I got the best summer of my life being with one amazing person, that amazing person that I know, is slowly fading away. Doesn't mean he won't be amazing, but the person he is deep inside isn't the one I first went out with. And I don't think I am either. I am trying really hard to talk to people now. I already have a couple of people I would call friends. I want to get into the highschool life. I want to go to parties, I want to meet new people.
I know that part of me will always feel like I should belong to someone. Maybe even Chris, but hopefully I will meet another T-Bird who can show me that its okay to be me and just talk to me about life in general. I just want to be happy. I don't want to remember my highschool years as being painstaking or heartbreaking. I want to have fun. Course there are some people I dont want to let go, but Its my job.
I know that was a big rant, but I just updated my page and I think it looks wicked, I haven't shed a tear in a really long time but even as I write this I'm feeling kind of solemn. I do miss the summer. I miss the people and the 'crew'. I miss just looking at stars, going to the beach with Chris in early July and falling asleep to the sound of crickets and blowing leaves, I miss being able to just run around with Caroline at Seba beach with a bunch of people that are now in grade 12 at Shep and barely look my way. I miss alot of things. I realize that's what I cry about now, and the people i've lost. It's sad recalling when I said to Chris "I don't want to lose you" and I meant that in two ways. As a boyfriend, and just knowing him as a person. The boyfriend thing is long gone, I don't expect it to ever grace my life again. But the knowing him as a person was something I always wanted to hold close to me. He told me once that I knew him better than anyone. Well maybe he is just changing, or I never did.
And thats a really hard concept to grasp. That someone you care about is slipping away. Maybe already has. Who knows anymore...
Third block was Drama, and I was really scared about presenting my monologue since I only have a page of the two and a half memorized. Luckily she didn't call a presentation today and instead we played ridiculous games like Bang!, and Do you love your neighbor? Fourth period I was even more worried about a math test that my Math teacher had been prepping us for. It was so easy, I don't know where to begin. Not only did we have a substitute but it was also Mrs. Thomas, a subsitute we used to pick on when she taught occasionally at Westminster.
During the test everyone was groaning about how hard it was, but Lisa and I both agreed we thought we aced it. Easily. I think if they can't complete something as easy as that, they are pretty much screwed for the rest of Math 10.
Uhm It's my dads birthday on another note. I wrapped his gift up very proffessionally and left it out on the kitchen table before I went to bed last night. I woke up and I had a text from dad saying "thanks for the gifts" and the gifts spread across my kitchen and dining room. I thought it was funny that he opened it without me because he 'couldn't wait'.
After school I had planned to go to Starbucks with Chris. But because of everything lately, (Surprisingly not everything with me and him, just stuff in his life) I didn't think we would get a chance. We did go to Mac's however, and I bought some M&Ms. It's so weird seeing him. Not in the way that you think. When we were going out we were so comfortable around each other, nothing really phased us, and that feeling is still there. The jokes are still there and the conversations about school, parties, friends. The thing is, it goes so smoothly I almost forget where we stand. Why we are where we are. That when I glance him laughing at something I've said I remember that if this were a couple weeks before today I would be completely latched onto him.
I know now though, that I can't go back. Even though I know I haven't gotten over him in just a week, I know at the same time that I can't go backwards. The place I just came from was full of hurt and tears, why would I want to expose myself to that again? I realize that the reason relationships end is because they have to. Because something isn't right. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Exactly the question. You wouldn't, or shouldn't. I am completely fine with being his friend, with going to Macs casually on a cold fall day, going to his house for cookies and milk and then going home. I am 100 percent fine with that. I am not so fine however with the fact that goodbyes are so weird now, that awkward should we hug? Or should we just say bye and peace?
I struggle with that. I want to come off as the girl who simply just wants to be a friend. I don't want to take either of us back to the place were just coming out of. What it really comes down to is that different schools mold people into different people. Mac has already got him caught up. Homework, parties, girls. It sounds bad, but it's true. He has his new friends, the new interests and scandals and whatever. I tried so hard throughout september to stay 'loyal' to one person that I didn't go out and make any new friends at all. I didn't talk to any boys, I didn't even wander that far away from Lisa, Rebecca or Caroline.
But now I see that life goes alot farther than just one person. That although I got the best summer of my life being with one amazing person, that amazing person that I know, is slowly fading away. Doesn't mean he won't be amazing, but the person he is deep inside isn't the one I first went out with. And I don't think I am either. I am trying really hard to talk to people now. I already have a couple of people I would call friends. I want to get into the highschool life. I want to go to parties, I want to meet new people.
I know that part of me will always feel like I should belong to someone. Maybe even Chris, but hopefully I will meet another T-Bird who can show me that its okay to be me and just talk to me about life in general. I just want to be happy. I don't want to remember my highschool years as being painstaking or heartbreaking. I want to have fun. Course there are some people I dont want to let go, but Its my job.
I know that was a big rant, but I just updated my page and I think it looks wicked, I haven't shed a tear in a really long time but even as I write this I'm feeling kind of solemn. I do miss the summer. I miss the people and the 'crew'. I miss just looking at stars, going to the beach with Chris in early July and falling asleep to the sound of crickets and blowing leaves, I miss being able to just run around with Caroline at Seba beach with a bunch of people that are now in grade 12 at Shep and barely look my way. I miss alot of things. I realize that's what I cry about now, and the people i've lost. It's sad recalling when I said to Chris "I don't want to lose you" and I meant that in two ways. As a boyfriend, and just knowing him as a person. The boyfriend thing is long gone, I don't expect it to ever grace my life again. But the knowing him as a person was something I always wanted to hold close to me. He told me once that I knew him better than anyone. Well maybe he is just changing, or I never did.
And thats a really hard concept to grasp. That someone you care about is slipping away. Maybe already has. Who knows anymore...
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