Cracked Shell?

I feel like a shell. To put it bluntly. The outside, is how it's always been. Maybe no one notices anything different. I am definately trying to do my best. But its one thing following another. Every new day that comes I wake up hoping that it gets better. That something inside me will change, something positive will come out of all this shit. But every single day one more person tells me something, and every single day I hear another story about how I am just the person who got left behind. The person who is still holding onto that person who has in a week, gone long past.

I think its kind of funny how I figured out that I actually had people that read my blog. (blogspot should really have a better notification of that) Apparently my blog was talked about, because of the incredibly personal things that I posted. I guess I just kind of assumed that my readers were ones that stumbled across my page without a clue of knowing who I am. But, unfortunately the link I posted on my Nex just attracted people that I have known for the last three years. And because of that I made a number of people uncomfortable. Um, sorry? I feel ridiculous.

But, part of me doesn't feel bad in the least. Some people need to hear the dirty details. No matter how personal into their lives they get. I'm messed up right now, I think people should hear it. I am making really retarded choices but I can say that I don't care. All I want at this point is an escape, and I've found it. Just not in the best things. Course my friends, but other things too.

One person that has been amazing is my friend Alyssa. (she dedicated a whole blog to me you know) ;)
She's really something that girl. One of the few whose putting out this incredible effort to let me know shes here for me. I admire that and thank her for that more then she knows. I do feel really empty. Alot of the time when I am in a good mood, I feel the emptiest. I know that sounds weird, but its like I need to scold myself for being happy when I have no reason to be. Is that the most emo thing you've ever heard or what?

Whatever. All I can do at this point, (other than making my blogs more vague), is do my best to cope. I wrote a song on the piano over this weekend. I'm pretty proud of it. Someday I'll share it with the world when it no longer brings me to tears.