Everything's spinning around. And it's freaking me out.

I definately write too much. Too many blogs, so little time to say everything I feel! Writing gives me such pleasure to just lay everything out on the table. It lets me read my previous thoughts and try to overcome them rationally. I visited this girls page today who is in a few of my classes, and it said

"I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there's always two sides. I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it iss to stop annd think. I've leaarned that you either control your attiitude or it controls youu. I've learned that maturiity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them, than how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned that it isn't enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you just have to learn how to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how badly your heart is broken, the world won't stop for youu. I've learned that back- grounds and circumstances might have influenced who you are, but we are responsi- ble for the people we become. I've learned that you can't make somebody love you, all you can do is be somebody who can be loved. I've learned that the word 'love' has many meanings, but it loses value when over-used and most importantly, I've learned that no matter how old or wise you think you are, life never stops teaching "

I'm not sure if she wrote this herself, I have a hunch that she did. I'm not sure if she lives by it, but she seems like the kind of person to hold her head high when times get rough. I want to be that person. I hate myself lately for everything that I think. My dad always reminds me that as teenagers we are so focused on what we don't have, we don't realize how good we have it. And he is completely right. I never take the time to look around and smile at the things that I do have. I'm realizing that everyday that goes by, my smile is a little more honest, my goals get clcoser and closer to coming true. I just can't over the small fact that my heart still feels like its broken. I'm not going to be dramatic and say "everything reminds me of him" Because, I don't feel those feelings for him necessarily. I feel for the boy from the summertime. And I don't think I'll ever see that boy again. I just know that small things throughout my day that once made me smile, now make me feel so defeated.

Like the stupid Horse he won me at Klondike days this summer. I laughed when he won it for me, and I once loved it so much. I brought it with me between both my houses, and said it was Half Sea Horse, and half Peacock. I remember saying "its a Pea-horse! Or a Sea-cock" I used to hang it over the headboard on my bed, and at night I would just smile laughing at how ugly it was and how much he had wanted me to have something better. I'll never forget the guy from the booth either. He was this big man and he was smiling and called us over, as much as we tried to ignore him. He tried so hard to convince us to pay him, he asked our names and then laughed "Chris and Kristen? Did you plan that?" It was the very first day of Klondike days, (I refuse to call it Capital X) and it really was one of the highlights of my summer. That night we were trying to find a way to get back to my house before it was too late because he was leaving for BC for three weeks in the morning. We ended up taking a subway and running desperately to keep up with his older brother and his girlfriend since she had to be home at a certain time. I don't remember what we had been talking about but I remember laughing and holding his hand running around the University Campus trying to find his dads car. That night before he left I almost cried, because it seemed like so long and I stood with him on his doorstep for about 15 minutes before I finally walked down the sidewalk, and then ran back for one last hug.

Wow, that kind of sucked to reminsce about. I don't understand my life sometimes. Today Stephanie and Zaina came over, and my mom actually was high and so was Shawn. My dad always tells me they smoke weed together and I started paying attention and found out he was telling the truth. My mom came in and she smelled like weed and she was swatting at me telling me it was none of her buisness, Shawn called her a pothead shortly after I did, Gage walked in and mom started talking about him getting arrested and me getting caught sneaking out on friday and I just walked into the living room with a text message open from Chris on my phone, went up to the mirror and started laughing. And Stephanie was already kind of freaked out, anybody that meets my mom she is like the typical buisness woman with the cropped brown hair and the nice house that she has worked her entire life to keep clean and nice. And she looked at me and said "You don't know how physco your being" I just continued laughing and looked at her after glancing at the text message and said "Stephanie my life is such a joke" I know its one of those moments where someone says "Ugh I hate my life" and you just roll your eyes at them because they don't know how good they have it.

But I don't understand my life anymore. I don't get it. Regular people don't have pothead mothers who on the outside are the equivalent of Mega Bitch in heels and a pencil skirt. Regular people don't continue texting their ex boyfriend several times a day to talk about Weed, or annoying siblings, or their lives. Regular people don't come home laughing about getting caught sneaking out, and having it shrugged off by their parents. Regular people don't care this much! I am not a regular person and my life is far from ordinary, it's pretty dam exciting. But sometimes I just think I could do without the excitement. Sometimes I think I should write a book. It could be called "Diaries of Real Life Teen angst" Or something more creative.

There is a song on my page, it's written by Lesley Roy. In it she says "Inside everythings upside down, spinning around, and it's freaking me out" Her songs put me on the edge of my seat sometimes. It's like the songs were made exactly for me. For my situations. I woke up today feeling sad, my eyes were red from crying briefly last night. I was quiet as I ate my breakfast. Stephanie came over and I felt my care for my situations fly out the window and I started making fun of my problems as if they wern't important. Zaina came over and we watched 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall" And I felt the same feelings creeping back up on me like some unexpected fog. And now, as I sit here...I feel a mix of everything. Inside everythings upside down, spinning around, and it's freaking me out.

I dont know how to stop it. I am on this constant physcotic roller coaster called life and I really, really would like for it to go in another direction for a change. I expect it to crash sometimes. But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep exposing myself to things that are bad for me. I can't keep this toxic relationship with someone because I want it in my heart so bad to be with him, but I want it in my heart to be without him. I want him to be gone but I want him here. Like Alyssa put it, "I want to be free". How do I fucking move on? I should not be allowed to get into relationships. This is the outcome. I don't understand.