FUCK LYFE!

You know, I am so just here. I feel so...asleep. I don't exactly feel hurt anymore, I don't feel happy. I don't feel sad, or angry. I feel...dead. I don't know what better way to put it. School is a great distraction for me. Alot of people probably have no idea what I'm thinking about when I'm staring at the whiteboard. You know, the Corner where there is no writing? People have no idea that lately when I smile, I'm actually thinking about what a liar I am to be smiling.

Today was a good day. Everyday has been, just a good day. Nothing really exciting, nothing new. I am tired of feeling guilty for things that happened weeks ago, months ago. I wish that I could just stand up on my roof and yell. I feel like such a better person than alot of people. I feel really mistreated. I am in awe really, thinking about everything that has happened to me, everything that Chris has done. I did alot of contemplating that today. Thinking alot about what he did. I realized one thing. And that is that I am not a strong enough person, and I guess I don't have enough self respect to go up to him and tell him that what he did to me was not okay, despite how friendly I act towards him. That having a new girl just days after a breakup is completely and morally backwards and even though I smile, and I laugh, I don't think were cool most of the time.

How I cannot believe all the bullshit that has come from his mouth. I just take too much crap in my opinion. In my opinion, what I;'m doing isn't strong. It isn't heroic, or impressive. I am not giving myself enough self respect, letting myself know what I deserve. Of course, all my friends say "Kristen you deserve better" or "Kristen he is a complete jerk" But thats not how I knew him. The person that I knew would never disregard my feelings this way. I feel like I'm living in a dream world. If you had told me a month ago that things would turn up this way, I would have laughed. Would have said "Chris loves me too much to ever pull something like that" But I'm beginning to feel like I can't believe or hold onto anything that ever happened between us. And I hate to say this, but maybe it was just a lie. The summer days have drifted away, and maybe I was just a fling for him. I feel like such an idiot dwelling on it. I feel like an idiot because the entire summer I never knew what was going on with him or anyone. He never told me. The week he told me he did weed during the summer, was the week I cried on the phone and he said "I know this hurts you and I'm sorry" And then a couple days ago he laughed and said "That week in the summer you called me, I had done it 4 times"

And even though he isn't 'mine' I wanted to slap him across his little face. That partially gave me the little heads up I need that it wasn't all my fault. Because the boy obviously didn't know what honesty was. I need to move the fuck on quicker! I got a text from him today that I am pretty sure was supposed to go to Sarah. How lovely is that? I can't bear to think of myself telling him to step out of my life, I know it would help me in the long run but I can't even think of how hard it would be. But I also can't bear thinking of him sticking around, and all the rumors swirling around him and Sarah and all the things I need to get over on my own.

Fuck this!

Subject change. because I am slowly feeling this getting old. Today in Drama class my teacher tried the relaxation technique on all of us. It's like a type of hyptnosis. We all lay on the ground, close our eyes. She turns off the lights and plays this really serene music and talks. She says things like "The ground is opening up, you fall below it, your heavy. Your head feels like a rock" And she just talks like that for about an hour. We've done it before, but this time I felt myself losing it. I don't know if I fell asleep, I don't know if I was daydreaming. But I found myself tuning out to what she was saying, and I THINK i might have slept, but I definately daydreamed about something. I remember thinking about everything, and I kept trying to tell myself to focus on what she was saying, and eventually I just lost track of everything completely.

When we all woke up, she explained that the major part of this practice, is to get us so lost in our thoughts that we can't hear her anymore. And that literally is what happened to me. I found out my Math unit exam mark, 56 %. Which Sucks. But my average is 60, which my teacher tells me is okay because it will only go up from there. Language Arts was painfuly boring, and I hate that I only have one class with Caroline because I miss her.

Afterschool today, I was pissed off. Saw Chris walking, for once didn't fucking care that he was with a bunch of girls. Lost 20 bucks biking to Emma's house. Just an overall stupid day, and tomorrow better go fast because I am going to the Farm of Fear with Tim and the guys. And apparently people chase you with Chain Saws and whatnot. I am super scared but super stoked. I invited Chris. Might have been a bad idea. I find it funny that all of his 'best friends', like Adam and Daniel, have stopped calling him when they have sasuage fests. I am surprised because one of the main reasons I would get blown off in the summertime by Chris was because he wanted to hang out with his Bros. And now he is ignoring his bros and hanging out with Sarah. Wow. She must be something wonderful.