"Maybe I'm mad, or maybe I'm proud"

I don't understand. I really don't. I am so confused as to why everything always has to broken? Why can't some things just turn out the way you planned for once? I wish for once in my entire life I could predict the way something would happen and the world would have enough courtesy to light the way and give me what I asked for. I was really starting to have a good time these last couple of days. My mood was pretty high except for the couple grumpy periods at school. Other than that I was starting to realize that being on my own was okay enough for me. Of course, the subject of that girl still made me a little shifty eyed.

The thing Is, I know I am a good person. I am not the kind of person to sit there and talk badly about someone that I don't even know. All I have to feed off on are the things that people say. How she got alot of guys in junior high so she has a big ego, she thinks highly of herself, shes selfish. But thats alot to generate from peoples comments about her. They could be completely wrong. So, I am trying to avoid those kinds of conversations. For some reason, when I slept over at Morgans last night and we got into her house around 12:30, someone starting texting me, feeding me lines about telling me the truth.

Last night, I can admit I was kind of messed up, so I kind of went off like a firecracker not exactly choosing my words carefully. I guess he picked that night, (lovely) to manifest all the things he has lied about to me in a text message. So, first off he did 'hook up' with that girl. He didn't forget to leave out either the fact that it was 'completely his idea and his fault'. Because for some reason I feel like he wants me to feel like shit and be fully aware that HE was the one who pounced on her and that she is a great person. And that, for some crazy reason I should respect her and not trash talk her which is kind of hard to do when her name pops up everywhere I go. His excuse was sort of like "You were going to find out sooner or later"

And those things, took me back to square one. I am back to where I was. The funny thing is, I did get over the stupid things like missing the memories. But most people don't need to go through things like this on top of a breakup. For that, I am internally sad and I cried myself to sleep last night, while I was half drunk and half high and shivering because I was cold, crying because I felt completely alone and unloved and ugly and stupid, and that I felt like puking the entire night. Once I got home in the morning, I had a really long shower and cried my hearts content out in there because if I cry in the shower mom can't hear me, mom won't notice if I come out with tears on my face, she'll think its water. Then I sat in front of the TV. on my ass, my stomach was growling so loudly, but unlike most people when I am depressed are chronically sad I can't eat a thing. Food makes me sick. But as I was sitting there he started texting me again and I battled with myself for about 5 minutes before I picked up my phone and read it. And he said "We fail at life!"

There you go. His failing attempts at trying to have a normal friendship with me. Not only that but he scolded me for being 'sucidal', scolded me for 'hating sarah', and told me that we best look at this situation in positive light rather than negative light. As well, he begged me to stop fighting with him. And it was kind of hard, especially since he takes my heart crushing feelings extremely lightly. He sent me a text that said "Yes, I do move on quickly. But I know you don't, and your sensitive"

If thats not the stupidest thing I've ever heard I don't know what is! It left me angry, and I tried my best to tone down the things I wanted to say because he doesn't need this and neither do I. He just said K. Back. And then disappeared into the realm of text messages. I was so furious after that I sat in a ball on the couch crying hysterically until my mom came and told me to stop. It's just dumb. That's all I can really say. I am absolutely tired of feeling so sorry for myself. I feel like the biggest loser on this planet for dragging this out for so long. If I could change myself, trust me I would make sure that I would just turn a cold shoulder to this whole thing and act completely icy to the world for a month or two, while I dealt with my shit on the inside.

Instead, everytime I get a text message I feel like typing away my little hearts consent to somebody who is fed up with me. I can read it in his eyes whenever I see him, I can tell he just wants to get past this so he can be with his new girl and I can hop off his baggage train. I can tell in the text messages that he struggles to say what I want to hear, but he doesn't feel the need to try so hard anymore since were not together. I know, for a fact that I shouldn't be writing all of this stuff so personally. But I also know for a fact that it's ridiculous how these things happen and just when everything seems like it might be okay the feelings come creeping back up on you and suck you back down to the beginning and the person whose causing it, is so hopeless you just want to scream or do something drastic to get other people to feel empathy for your situation.

I guess thats why last night I felt like maybe I would finally get to have some fun. Going to the same boy's house that I did last sunday night and having another party. Except this time, there were more girls, less boys. And the temperature was warmer, the people had pot, and the cops showed up at 1:00 to arrest my friend Rebecca. Lets just say that the party was incredibly boring after awhile, but it was very disruptive, and shortly after Morgan and I left with Lisa after trying to force rebecca to come with us the police showed up and chased all the kids that were there down.

And I'm glad I left before that, although leaving so early peeved me since I distinctly remember morgan promising me we would get to stay out late, and then her mom put a curfew of midnight on us and Morgan again Promised me we could work around it, and when it was just about midnight she yelled at me to get in a cab because we had to be home. So remind me not to party with Morgan, because as Lisa and I predicted at the time we thought she might be acting like she wanted to have this fun time but when she got there she would sit there quietly like she did.

I'm just tired though. I dedicated today for my shower, for my studying, for my soup and a little me time. I could definately go without boys for the rest of my life. I could definately go without parties for the rest of my life. I could just sleep for the rest of my days. Sometimes I wonder about death and how peaceful it must be. Just, not existing. To just have your energy floating around aimlessly through the atmosphere but never having to think or feel pain ever again. Yeah, sometimes it sounds like a pretty nice deal to me.

xoKristen