I don't even know where to start. Last night was absoulutely nuts for me. Well, not completely but enough to remind me of the summer time. Yesterday I decided I would go to Rebeccas house for a sleepover so that we could have some fun and go visit Westminster.
We did end up going to westminster, and visited all the teachers and saw all the new grade 7's, 8's and 9's. It's amazing how things change, but at the same time how they don't. Mr Ettinger dyed his hair, Miss Suh did too, and Mrs. Lavender still looked at me funny because during the summer time I ran into her at the wading pool and she commented on the 'marks' all over Chris' neck.
On the topic of Chris, I am failing at the concept of a breakup. I text him, call him, contact him, so much. More than I should. Everyone tells me that I need to give him space, for the both of us. But its hard for me. I know its wrong, and I know what right is. But for some reason I think that if it were to deal with the breakup the way your supposed to I would feel like a big peice of me is missing. Which it is, but I am going to have to find a new way to fill it up.
I am still sad. Here we are again. I don't know who I am anymore, I really don't. And its funny at the same time because for some reason I thought I knew myself so much more when I was with Chris. That when I was with Chris I had a really good feeling of self worth and confidence and the second I got dumped it's like it all went down the drain. I don't want to be bothered by it anymore for the reason that Chris makes me so frusterated and I can feel his getting over me. Where do I even start? Like really.
Last night I went to a party in Glenora which was held by a boy in grade twelve at St. Francais Xavier. Morgan's school. People were dancing, grinding drinking, doing keg stands. The entire time I wanted to let go and do something fun, but the entire time I couldn't help thinking like Chris was probably having fun with some other girl. I don't know how to let go but I need to do it fast and stop wasting my time and life with this one person who doesn't even care.
I am getting so mad talking about this. I don't have alot of structured things to say either. Everything is coming out of my fingertips onto the keyboard in a tangent with no writing talent whatsoever. So I think I might stop. Tonight I am possibly going to sleepover at morgans house, find a party, or whatever I do.
I just need to get out of the house.
So anyways my grandmother came up from calgary and I can't get out of my little box in my own little world enough to welcome her or to make plans with her. I am so isolated within myself and my own sinister and fucked thoughts that I can't even sit down and have a normal conversation. My dad is implying that I am to blame for his uncertain relationship with his girlfriend because apparently everytime I am around Im really quiet, or negative.
People always amaze me, the way they can hide their emotions and have so much strength. I don't think I am one of those people, but writing and reading blogs in general have broadened my horizons so immensely. Reading Alyssa's blogs about her previous sadness', or just strangers that I happen to come across. Alyssa has to be one of the strongest people I have ever met. Some of her peices of writing she is so engulfed with sadness but the next day she states that things in life happen. Things happen for a reason. Whenever I see her at school, its like the sun hovers above her head wherever she goes. The kind of person she is, is one that realizes that there is more to life then sulking. That life is too short to feel bad for yourself and too short to have impure thoughts about situations.
"you have to start looking at him and thinking about what hes done to you and stop thinking about what you want and think about what you deserve" I took this from an msn conversation with my good friend Emma. I think, its probably one of the best peices of advice that I have heard in these rough past couple weeks. It's absoulutely true in the eyes of someone from the outside it's pretty insightful. It's like she knows that when I look at him I have a yearning for things to just be like they were a month ago but I don't deserve the shit that I've been through. Well, thats a little much, but I still feel guilty for asking for something better and I shouldn't.
Emma is funny though, she's saying things like "Your gorgeous and he looks like a rat" and no matter how hard I try to see that I can't. All I can see is that loving boy from June with the huge smile and amazing ambition for life. Who he is now I have no idea. But, it's time to move on. I can feel it starting in my veins, the want to just escape. And the sadness is fading as quick as it can. The only remedy I know of is my friends and parties. Even last night, kissing some random guy on the dance floor at someones random house, I felt like I was doing something wrong because I still belonged to someone. But I fucking don't.
It's even greater to realize that I suspect Chris hooked up with someone too.
Oh Hai New attitude. Oh Hai sunshine behind the dark clouds. Oh Hai single life and the best friends and what should be the best year of my life. BYE NEGATIVITY AND HEARTBREAK. PEACE
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