Rant # 5901

You know there are two main things that fucking suck about this whole thing. The first is how I can seem so completely fine one minute. Sitting at Cheer, laughing at the girls on my team, talking with Lisa and Rebecca. And the next minute I'm at home again, feeling hopeless and broken and seeing pictures on my stupid desktop slideshow go by and all I can think about is that stupid song repeating itself within the walls of my brain "Pictures of you, pictures of me, reminds us all of what we could have been" And once again I feel like breaking down into pitiful and pathetic tears, because my life is so hard.

The second thing, is the feeling of being alone in this. At first, the idea of a breakup was heartbreaking because of all the things that were no longer to be. The late night calls, the dinners at each others houses whatever, and the anticipating the bus rides just to see him. But now, it's so much worse because every bit of pain that I feel, every morsal of sadness and feeling like I'm going to explode is only being felt by me. He has someone else, his life is going completely and utterly fine without me, maybe even better. His friends are still there, he's got a girl, and parties, and fun. And then theres me feeling so lost without my other half. Fuck!

trust me I want to keep going with this. I want to cry about how badly it hurts to put two and two together. To notice things that you can't say because you don't know for sure but you don't want to ask. So all you can do is sit there with a neutral look on your face imagining everything that's most likely true. But inside your ripping yourself to shreds because no one wants to tell you the truth. There are the people that really fucking care about you, but they don't want to be the one telling you that yeah your ex just partied with his new girl. Fuck this, writing this is making me so angry.

Fuck all these people that have ever, EVER let me think I was special to them. I know I am a good person, I am a fun person and I would never intentionally hurt someone and I always go out of my way to make people feel important. From now fucking on, I will not ever speak of failing relationships or stupid people.

Stupid people who? That's right. I don;t know what your talking about! Or who. Seems to have slipped my stupid empty mind!

My friend Caro is my lifesaver right now. I just realized how similar our situations are. I think she is the only one that can really reflect my hurt. Maybe I'll let her join me on my crazy trying to find myself adventures that I've had these weekend. So when I go off the deep end she'll join me. I want to go off so bad. I want to piss people off. Is that bad? Yes. It is. I just smiled at the fact that alot of people read this thing right here. I think its funny.

Anyways it's hard to talk about a different topic since it's the only thing on my mind. I look at anything and it brings me back to this. The next relationship I have (If I ever have one) will NOT end up like this. I will not be the loser. I will come out on top! And from this moment on I am going to party hardy with my best friends, the ones that matter and I am going to throw my phone into the toilet so I never have to have another texting conversation with anyone ever again.

:)