"...So the weather!"

The question that seems to be on my mind today is this "How can someone that has done so much wrong still at the end of the day be one of the most amazing people that you know?" You know I feel like everday I wake up something else approaches my mind. Things never do make sense and as much as I feel myself getting better I can't hide the fact that I am so totally and completely lost.

Lauren Conrad said to Heidi once "When you love someone, you want to believe their good" I know its true. I have spent a really long time trying to force myself to believe that Chris has always had good intentions. When he broke up with me, and everything suddenly took this dramatic hairpin turn, it was like I was trying to find his faults. I have been searching, trying to hard to make myself hate things about him. To make myself view him as this undesireable person.

But he's not. At dinner tonight I was sitting with my dad, yaking about my day. I talked about Drama class, and science class, and seeing Chris. And Caroline, Rebecca and Lisa and how my plans for Halloween are moderately fucked. It was silent for a bit and for some reason I just felt like bringing up the topic of Chris. My dad has this weird look of pain whenever I talk about him. I know he can see what I go through. I started talking about everything I thought was wrong with him. "He has funny knees! And he has moles on his face, he calls them freckles but I like to piss him off and call them moles! His feet are small, you know what that means dad! He has such a weird posture, his belly sticks out and his legs are like bow and arrows! OH DAD, and his teeth! They have this annoying gap in between them and when he talks you just stare. And he ALWAYS gets food on his face when he eats" And I just kept going and going and going. Literally just listing off the things that I didn't like about him.

When I finished, and I was decently out of breath and my dad just stared at me and said "You really liked him" And I just sat there staring at him. Finally I managed to say "Yeah that didn't work one bit" He just smiled and went upstairs. I am fully aware that the great things about him severely outweigh the bad. But I feel like this sucks so much more because he's such a good person. I can never picture him saying something bad on purpose, I can never see him dismissing my feelings to anyone. I know he'll always care. But I just hate myself for still having feelings for him that are still so strong. He's just such a good person, and It would make it a hell of alot easier if he wasn't.

Everything he's ever done to me was never on purpose. Nothing was ever a dick move. Everything was just how it turned out. And I know he cares whether Im hurting or not. I just need to see myself with someone else other than him. I need to stop laughing at how big his eyes are, I need to stop loving the funny but cute way that he walks, I need to get over the fact that his fingers are so long and he gives the best hugs in the world if he loves you. That's how I monitor how things are changing. He still forces hugs upon me and I stay pretty stiff mind you its like "You dumped me, and this little bubble is no longer breakable by you!" But now they lack that spark or whatever.

People can say what they want. Tim can tell me the only reason I did things with Chris was because I was scared and wanted to 'please him'. Elly can talk all day and night about Sarah and Chris. Sarah can walk around the school telling people I hate her when I don't, and she can change Chris' phone backround to 'Sarahiscool'. I don't give a fuck. Chris can think that I am insecure, he can throw the stupid fucking jokes he continues to throw saying things like "yeah you can keep that jacket. To wear it, or smell it..." He can laugh at how he always thought I would be the physco ex and that I am. I don't give a shit. Because I know what I feel. I know that when I see him I still get excited, but I don't necessarily care for him like I did. I just want what we had back, and now that I have almost completely accepted the fact that it is never coming back, I will walk this world with a smile on my face and my head high and Chris can do the same.

I don't want to be tied down anymore. I will always miss him, care for him. Whatever. But what matters and what the point is, is that together, WE didn't work. Something between us didn't click and it wasn't meant to be. All the hugging and kissing and cuddling and talking...those were just tests. Taking a run down a road that had never been taken. At least now I can say, "Yeah I took that road once. It was one of the best drives I ever had, but in the end it just wasn't the right route"

Ok. Weird analogy. But I think you all know what I mean. I am still pretty damn stuck on the summertime though, and maybe I always will be. It just sucks the things that come up when I'm with him the things I constantly talk about. Namely, the summertime. It was the best time of my life, I was overwelmingly happy and I had someone that I really loved. But nothing lasts forever, and my dad always tells me that everything is so fragile we just don't realize it. I could die tomorrow.

Today just, opened some old and hid away thoughts that I had presumed that I had put away for a little while. I feel like I am trying my best to get away, to play the strong independant person. Then theres him, he who pities me. Either that or boy who doesn't know what he wants. He invited me to Macs, He asked if I wanted to come inside and keeps initiating hugs that I don't need because they bring me back to that same broken place because as much as I might be enjoying the attention SHE still exists. And SHE is still someone that maybe he is slowly starting to love. As of now, I don't want to know though. It shouldn't be my business. It CAN'T be.

Thats his life now. Before I was joined to it, and now I'm just another thing within it. I could only be the center for so long. I guess now its Sarah's turn. So, whatever. I could care less.

At least thats what I keep telling myself.
Fuck.