THERE IS A SUNSHINE IN THE CLOUDS!

"Do you regret, ever holding my hand?"

Oh Demi Lovato. I never really looked into her music, but I did today since Jewls came over and introduced it to me. It's really beautiful, but heartbreaking. The tears are pushing at the backs of my eyes as I'm listening to it. It just reminds me of stuff in my life. Although I'm kind of a huge drama queen. I had a pretty good day today considering it was a monday.

I am slowly feeling myself getting better. Very slowly. There is still so much hurt inside of me, I still feel really rejected and alone. Like I'm not good enough. Like I never will be. But I am slowly getting positive, I'm realizing that the people that I need, are the people that actually want to stay by my side. The rest of them shouldn't matter. They don't want to be there anyways right? It's just really hard like I've said so many times. I have really high moods, and really low moods. But I know soon I will get over it. It just feels so weird losing grip of everything I;ve known the last couple of months. It's really heartbreaking. I don't want these people that were once so special to just vanish. But they are slowly fading, and I can't do anything.

Jewls and Chris Liu came over after school. They go to Jasper Place, which is right by my dads house and as I was walking home from the bus stop I saw them walking and literally dropped all of my stuff and paraded over to them. I just saw Jewls on friday, but Chris I haven't seen since school. I missed him so much. It's weird thinking of the stuff that went on at the end of grade 9 and knowing that I should have kept him close to me. I won't make that mistake again. They came over and we ate lasagna and talked. It made me really sad, Jewls being so hurt and playing all this sad music for me. Chris Liu said "Its kind of sad how much Chris has changed" And Jewls said "Yeah hes completely different" I almost burst into tears right then. I don't know what to do, it seems like there is no solution. I'll just have to ride it out.

Anyways, I had Science today. A very interesting Science Substitute whom I really liked. I enjoy my science class because were not awkwardly silent. Were like a family. Sounds corny I know, but almost like grade 9 did. Everyone talks and laughs, and enjoys themselves. Not as much when Mr. Cochrane is teaching. I was enjoying myself so much today. Even Drama class was interesting for me. Paulina wasn't there and for once I was kind of the person to be talked to between Brenna and Elly. I was just overall having a good day. Walking home and seeing Liu and Jewls was just the icing on the cake. I can say today I felt like smiling the entire day, and I actually got alot of things off my mind several times. And let me tell you I haven't gotten it off my mind since last monday, except for today.

So, I'm turning over a new leaf. My friends are amazing, and I'm starting to enjoy them alot more then I did when I was with someone. I want to go to parties, I don't want to have worries. Although when my friends go to parties they hook up with people...but fuck it I could use some distraction in my life!

My dad is frusterating me. He likes to make me feel guilt. It's his prime. He wants me to go to my Grandma and Grandpas tomorrow. I never see them, I don't send cards on their birthdays and they never send any on mine. I feel bad, but at the same time its not actually that I don't want to go I just have stuff to do and I don't lie. It doesnt help then when I need to wash my hair I need do dedicate an entire evening towards it. It takes two hours to dry plus an hour of straightening. I swear its not a completely ridiculous excuse. Then wednesday Im going to the mall to buy my dad a gift for his birthday with Lisa. I just need more and more distractions. I'm frusterated that I have cheer on thursday. Thursday is like my friday since I have no school on friday.

But yeah, tomorrow is day B. And I hate Day B's. I have spanish, and Math. Instead of Gym and Science. It's not THAT much better but its certainly an improvement. Thats one of my beefs about Shep is its lack of variety. One day I have La, Gym, Drama, and Science. Then the next La, Spanish, Drama, and Math. It's kind of boring...really boring. Oh well. I really don't like school. Lol I don't even know how many times Ive said that. I just want something to happen. I want to make new friends and I want to get the fuck over my sadness.