"They laughed. They all laughed at me. All of my supposed friends laughed at me. I can't believe I actually thought they were my friends. Jack, they laughed when I cried because the cafeteria reminded me of you. Thats where we first kissed. Do you remember? Of course you don't remember. You can't remember. Your dead! Why did you leave me? I need you. Nobody understands Jack. They all say Im just being melodramatic. That just because were 15 we couldn't be in love. But we were in love! I loved you then and I love you now! Why did you have to do this? We could have talked about it. We would have worked something out. Your letter didn't do much to console me"
That is the small portion of my drama monolouge (monologe? Louge?) that I have managed to memorize. I just thought I would write it to, well mostly to test my memorizing skills but also because I am shocked that my drama teacher Mrs. Forde chose me for such an emotional monologe. It's about 3 pages long, full of despair and heart ache of a 15 year old girl trying to cope with her boyfriends sucide. It's kind of heartbreaking for me to read, mostly because at the end she, or rather, i, kill myself.
Its been on my mind alot recently. I don't know why. She's sort of becoming a part of me. I know it sounds scary, but I have thought about sucidide lately. (no you crazies, not about doing it myself. But about the whole thing in general and people who have killed themselves) It's such a huge concept, a thing that requires so much thought and planning. I can't imagine taking my own life away. Snatching away MY chance at a life.
You know what else? I wanted to write a small thing about my friend Mickey Vee because reading her blogs makes my day. She always writes about me, how she wants me to be happy. And she deserves the world. I read her blogs as often as they come.
Anyways, today was tuesday. Obviously. lol. I had a good day. The sadness is starting to go away, but I'm thinking that maybe its not but rather its just lodging itself inside of me, and hiding. I can still feel it there, the occasional slam, the nervous stomache ache when I approach Chris' bus stop. That small feeling at night before I turn out the light of desperation. But now more than anything, i'm just questioning myself. The same repeating statement. Kristen your not good enough. I remember the sunday before Chris dumped me, I told him that sometimes I didn't feel like I was good enough for him. Breaking up didn't make me feel that way, until the initial slam started to fade and now I just feel worthless. Like no one wants me, or ever will. I feel like a waste of a human being. Maybe that's why I have the urge to run around at a party this weekend, or doing things that have never crossed my mind before.
I don't really know anymore. I'm getting kind of accustomed to the feeling of being broken. I saw Chris on the bus ride coming home today. It was a bit comical. The awkwardness between us. Fiona sitting next to me, him sitting on the other side but when she moved to sit and talk to Lisa the gap was still there. "You can sit next to me you know" Just really weird. Strange. Uncomfortable. Fucking stupid. And the most shocking event of my day I can't even share because it's really none of my buisness. I guess I should say, I saw it coming. (You'll just have to imagine what Im talking about) I really did. This person once told me it wouldn't change them. When school started they would be the same old person. Which is actually completely opposite. I'm hoping that people are just settling in. Trying to find their way. But I know I'm probably wrong. I probably shouldn't be talking either. I've been letting myself down on a regular basis lately. Doing things I once swore that I would never do. I am really disapointed in myself, but I like the disapointment. This is part of my getting over things I told my dad.
The good news is the tears haven't fallen in a couple days. The "Poor me" game hasn't graced me with its presence. I've felt stronger, and proud at times for putting that smile on my face when I don't want it to be there. But I am starting to enjoy myself. The people in my school. Sure I haven't made any new friends, I still fail at relationships in general. But I talked to a few people today, It's just slow coming.
I can't even say "I wish this would happen...." Because I can't think of any solutions to my problems at this point. Nothing would really work. The kinks in my life arn't going to get out in quite a while I can tell you that. Even writing my blog is pissing me off now, because Chris told me that alot of people told him about my really emotional blog that I was forced to delete. So I can't even go into depth about my life at this point. I have to keep all of you guessing!
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