"This Circle never ends" Paramore <3 ;)

Sometimes I can't help asking myself "What are your intentions with this?" I feel like such a try hard sometimes. I feel so sad, and so broken. And then other days I feel so excited and so in love with my life. I don't know when it's going to stop. I've come to terms that maybe this is just being a teenager. That this has nothing to do with my situations with my friends, or with Chris, or anyone. I just REALLY want to have a good time. And I'm getting there, I am in such a good mood today, and tonight in general. I feel like today is going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I really do.

The day in general wasn't its best. But sometimes its the bad things that make you realize how good you could have it. I keep arguing with Rebecca and Caroline. Maybe they don't pick up on it, but lately I've felt like all I do with them is start arguments. I feel like Caroline is always pushing my buttons, like Rebecca doesn't understand. Lisa said something to me today that made me realize what a good person she is that it's bugging her. She said "I don't know why were so mean to each other. Were supposed to be best friends but we always put each other down"

I felt so bad. She said that shortly after I spewed something about Caroline to Rebecca. It's not that we gossip each other, or even just stab each other in the back. Its just that we talk about one another like someone that were not fond of. And Lisa is so right. I tried my best the rest of the day to shield myself from being rude or selfish to them. Lisa is right. We are supposed to be each others best friends. And I don't know exactly what is going on, but I do know that we react really irrationally and take everything so seriously and everything turns into a bitchy argument. And I absoulutely hate it. I want to have friends that I always have fun with. The fun should outweigh the things that piss me off.

Science class was kind of stupid because I didn't get to talk to Alyssa. I like talking to her, but I can't help feeling like alot of the time I'm just talking about myself. I want her to know that I completely care about her and her situations but for some reason lately I am like so caught up in my own little bubble. Which I shouldn't.

Anyways, my writing isn't very deep today. My thoughts are too complex, I'm not going to attempt to write them down and put them into words. I was just very satisfied today. I hung out with Chris for a small amount of time, and I left feeling happy that were friends but I'm frusterated. I don't know what my plan is I really don't. I think were weird to be honest, just because the fact that we hang out as if nothing is wrong. Occasionally we make jokes and laugh about things that happened when we were dating. It's true when I say that when I'm with him I don't feel any pain about anything really. Even when he talks about Sarah to me. I know all my friends think it's weird. I know his do. But I am happy with our 'trying'. I am weirded out by the comfort level. No awkward moments, nothing I could even try to say could make something awkward.

We are too chill for something that has consumed my life and my thoughts for the last month. I am starting to realize that I don't need him, and just when I start becoming independent he starts trying to have this solid friendship with me. And it doesn't hurt me, but I just feel so in love with his prescence which you can't have if your friends. How does that work? Alot of my affection for him has just died, how is it possible to still feel this way when I also feel alot of myself moving on? It's like I'm in peices.

But whatever, It's nothing I can't handle. Sometimes I feel like he's telling me too much information. He still wants me to trust him, and it's hard because I don't know if I ever did since I am always doubting the things he says. I want to believe everything and when Im with him I do, it's just hard. We talked about her and against everything I said it wasn't awkward. And It SHOULD be. I don't know whats wrong with us that we can deal with this so nicely. It makes me feel even worse that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

I just know that seeing him makes me feel like were taking a positive step. I feel like he really wants me around. I feel like we have fun. Maybe thats good enough, because he is definately free to go. Despite my feelings, he should be with whoever he wants to. It's just weird now that everyone has their own opinions and me and him are, in theory, how we've always been just without the kissing and hugging.

So weird.

But, I have cheer tonight and Halloween is tomorrow and I am incredibly excited! I will hopefully post some pictures if I can manage! See you!

xoKristen