Today is alot more AUTO

I am so happy. Today I felt just, Me. I felt like a normal kid. Well, maybe not a normal kid since normal teenagers usually have feelings of hatrid towards the world on a regular basis. I woke up today, my heart felt heavy as it usually does when I wake up. I felt kind of desperate and sad as I got ready for school. But, I mean I am starting to be like I was at the end of grade nine. My happiness level is exceptionally higher, but still exceptionally low. But I'm not contemplating life as I have been. I'm going into my coasting mode.

'Coasting' isn't the healthiest thing. For me, it feels like it. I block out my irrational thoughts. I ignore the certain people around me. Life becomes a game, one that all I am really focused on is the next step. The next move persae. And I like it. What i'm doing will probably eventually turn into bottled emotions. But for once I feel like I need to do something good for me, and stop talking about it, stop dwelling on it, stop repeating the past in my head. I am always picturing the words that were given and recieved and it just hurts so bad. I feel like running my head through the wall, ripping out every blood vessel in my body, and hurtling myself into the ocean to die. One minute I'll be sitting in Drama watching a performance, and then the roof just opens up and rain falls from the sky, each with a reflection of something. Then I hear words in my head, things like "You won't ever lose me", Or "I will always care about you" . Even the words we said before fucking highschool. That was the worst today. Just being hung up on the fact that the day before school I was with him, talking about how the summer changed us for the better and how we would conquer highschool together even if we wern't.

It's so dumb. I just feel kind of agitated towards it I guess. I know that I am getting over it though. It's just really an unsettling feeling knowing the way things have turned out, the last few times I was finally starting to feel secure.

Today I got my science test back, and got a higher mark than most people in the class. I love Science though, I love talking to Alyssa. She's like this ray of sunshine, one of those people who you just need to be in a good mood when your around her. Doesn't mean I still didn't want to shoot myself in the eyeball, because I got a review package with like 8 pages.

Then Chris came over after school. He said he didn't want to go home, so I just offered to hang out. I'm pissed off at the way I acted. It's like I can't even savour the moment of him wanting to be my friend anymore. The things I did...I'm embaressed by the way that I act. Now I'm just going to have to get over the fact that I keep ruining my chances at a normal friendship. I definately shouldn't have tried to blaze, we should have just chilled. I don't know exactly what I was thinking.

ANYWAY it was nice at least. It's cool were trying. Rebecca came over after and we just chilled. Now though, I have to finish my homework, so I'll peace!