Who are you?

I don't know what to do at this point. I am so scared for everything. I am terrified of myself, because I know me, and I know the things I'll do to myself. I don't want to be miserable anymore. But I am. Everything brings me to tears, if its not sadness its anger. Wanting everyone to feel just as bad as I have. I feel so lonely even though I have so many people that are here when I need them. But I don't want them. I want the people I thought to be there for me, to be there. I am so tired of myself, I just want to go over the deep end. I don't want to be conserved, at the moment I don't even give a fuck about school. I don't care about half the things I usually do. One of the girls from cheer said to me "Life does things like this to people, you just can't let yourself be bitter" But I don't see how it's possible for me. My head is stuck in the gutter. I don't cherish those good things of every day life anymore. I just frown at them. I could care less.

I'm scared of the future. Is it always going to be shit? Am I always going to be miserable? It's so hard to put a smile on my face, trying to my best to lie to myself repeating over and over that tomorrow is a better day. I feel like I'm doing my best but now I know what getting let down feels like. I'm just so angry, and shocked and hurt. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this. Why I got in a relationship with someone who let me believe that they loved me but its been less then a fucking week and someone else is already on his mind.

The only thing I feel like doing, is doing things that no one will expect of me. I want to shock all of them. I want people to hate me for the things that they never expected of me. I want to make a name for myself, because right now people are too caught up in what I was.

Fuck life. Seriously. Daddy always says to me that life is a gift. But he also told me once it was a test. To see how much we could handle. I don't know what it is, but I do know that when I try my best to do the best that I can, I just get kicked when Im down. The people I love or loved and the ones I confide in, are the ones that don't even need me. The ones that can just let me go, with false sadness and move on. Find a replacement me. I'm just not good enough anymore. Everyone that tells me there will be someone new is wrong. I don't want anyone, I want it to be me against the world. You can't trust people to be there with you. People just let you down.