Who should take the blame this time?

I didn't lie when I said that the tears hadn't fallen in a while. But for some reason they have graced me just now. My father, Grandma and my fathers current girlfriend are downstairs and I can hear their faint laughing as I'm up in the loft listening to music.

I'm listening to some thoughtful music, as I call it. It's some of the stuff on my playlist, and it's triggering memories to replay themselves and questions to arise in my head. I know I shouldn't let myself be so vulnerable online, especially through a blog that alot of people happen to read. But I can't help it, the words just need to get out of me somehow, and through writing is the best way that I know how.

I am reminscing on the summer time. To a time where he used to kiss my nose and tell me he loved me. How did that lead me here? How could those days of feeling so blissful be so far gone? I was so happy at the end of June and Beginning of July. I yearn so much for the summer time that it is currently bringing me to tears. This summer I had the time of my life, I had the best 'crew' I could ever imagine and the best of friends and an amazing boyfriend who I felt like I really found myself with and now that hes gone, I feel like I am too.

I am having such a hard time trying to put together the peices of how certain things lead me here. You know, at first it was the delightful replaying of certain moments in my life through my mind. How meeting someone and not thinking much of them could turn into getting asked out on a hot saturday admist a beautiful summer night. To going to bed that night literally staring at the wall with a smile across your face. The way that even the simple act of someone holding your hand can make you feel like a million bucks and so important that it scares you. That your so scared to lose what you have but the 'I love you's' and the hugs and kisses just seem to brush that thought delicately away. Like someone in this world met you and came to love you, and that someone else wants to share their experiences with you. It's the best feeling and the most important feeling in the world.

And now, its the shock. How did that ever lead me to a place where even hugging was forbidden because those feelings shouldn't be allowed. They can't. That one person that once held you close and told you that they would always be there, did the worst thing anyone could do and that was leaving you. And within a mere few days you had been replaced, everything you felt was now a shell of a former feeling. Some other girl has been granted that position that person that once told you everything, now feels like a ton of lies. Bricks on your shoulders that you just want to remove, get those unanswered questions answered. But thats not your place anymore. I am no longer number one. I am one of many.

My feelings that were once mirrored in someone I care so much about, are now turned away. I'm not allowed to express them or feel them. On top of that, I am expected by him to have a normal friendship without any pain there because he can just shrug them away. Finding out things that once you made you so happy, were actually lies told by him because he didn't want to 'set you off'. As if I would have not understood. As if, if I had known these things I would have turned a blind eye.

It all makes me so upset, it makes my eyes feel swollen for the tears pushing at the backs of them and my fists want to clench so tight for all the things I sacrificed and the things I said that I never ever lied about. Why can't they just be returned? I wanted so bad to end everything from the summer on a good note but every good thing I have ever felt has led me to this pit of disapointment and really a place where the question keeps arising "Is this a waste of my time?"

I want to believe that my words have an impact. But I don't think they do. And my heart is slowly repairing itself, but bits of me still feel like I have some things I still want to say. How unfair this is to me. How it was never my fault.

It was never my fault.