I don't know what God's plan was for me today. I don't know if he woke up, and decided that I had done something wrong and that I deserved all the shit that was thrown at me today. I am sick and fucking tired of things not turning out the way I want. I am tired of being kicked when I am down. How many times do I have to say that? I realized that my blog has quite a few viewers, including Chris' new love interest. And, I just want to make one thing clear to everyone who was having a fun time with the gossip today.
I never wrote a blog about Elly beating Sarah up. I wrote a huge blog that day, maybe 12 paragraphs, one sentence was about Elly and joking about beating her up, and that wasn't even how it went down. It was Brenna who did it to cheer me up and Elly just laughed saying it was funny. So everyone, (you know who you are) that is giving Elly beef about it, grow up. Honestly. Everyone including Sarah who keeps telling others that I hate her, I don't. Everyone that thinks I am this angry ex girlfriend on a physco rampage, that including Chris. Back off. I am just trying to live my life and get over the past.
The one person who is telling all that those two people are dating, shut up. I am exhausted with my life. I am exhausted with the rumors, with my hurt. I cried in drama class today for the entire class because of a rumor. I sent a semi angry text message because of something that wasn't true. I have wasted my life fighting for something I don't even need to fight for. I am fed up as SHIT. My school life is a complete joke, and as of yesterday night so is my home life. My mom is a huge pothead, who likes to take out her shit on me. I had a huge argument with her tonight, which led to her calling me a little bitch and me leaving with my dad. I am so angry, i can't even put it into words that even express how I feel.
I am barely sad. I am on the edge of my seat. My teeth are all gritted. My mind is racing at a thousand times a minute. I am pissed off. I am tired. I hate gossip. I am starting to believe that life is a fucking joke. Today was absoulutely horrible for me. I remember coming into drama, Elly burst out the door shouting that he was dating her. I Barely paid attention all class because my head was in my hands, focusing on keeping the tears inside my eye sockets. My mind was getting so narrow. I tried to make sense of everything. Am I really that bad? I can deal with a fucking breakup. What I can't deal with is being replaced. I am hating existance. I am hating my mother. I am hating my friends. I am hating people that lied about caring. I have 8 pages of math due tomorrow and its 9:00 right now.
I am putting music on my page as we speak. MY MUSIC. Music that I wrote. I am trying to get four songs up. The first one I wrote with Caroline. It doesn't have alot of personal meaning, its just general. About feeling invisible.
- "Invisible"
I'll never, leave you behind.
The truth is
Love we will find
So take this
and make it come true
We shall hold on
and think about what matters to you
CHORUS: And I, wonder if you see me
And I, Need you to believe me
Cause today, I'm afraid.
You ignore me, when shes around
she doesn't, deserve the attention anyhow
So how do, you expect us to be just friends?
:CHORUS:
You know I'm here to stay,
Stay
This one, I wrote with Caroline. It's just the basic life of a teenager. Struggling with trying to stay in other peoples eyes. Staying important to people. When I wrote it, I didn't have a particular thing in mind. I know she did. She had alot of things going on.
- "Label Of a Bestfriend"
somedays the clouds block the sunset
Somedays the sky rains true
There she is, label of a bestfriend
Her eyes shine mischevious blue
Her hands have a pocketful of reason
Her mouth a mouthful of lies
Only she feeds on your sorrow
Who on earth could she be
The phonecall and mistakes
The tears fall from your face
The misunderstanding lives on
She says who knew who cares chill out breath air
Its not a big deal
Your hands are clasped tight the worry brings you fright
Somehow its all thanks to her
Everyday and word spent on listening
Somehow gets turned away
here he comes smile bright like sunshine
His green eyes glow in the room
You watch her and her insensitive words
that infectious laughter fills you
something inside you breaks it breaks
How could she do this to you?
There she is label of a bestfriend
A traitor of all that is true
Nothing was ever cherished like laughter
all that matters was hurting you
The Door it finally closes the smile wiped off her face
There you go label of an ex friend
No more does she matter to you
No more will she matter to you
No more
Label of an ex friend
No more could she ever will she ever could she never matter to you
This one, is kind of funny. I wrote it when I was in a semi fight with Morgan. She called me up late one night while at a party that I wasn't invited too. She started blabbing about how Chris was talking to Cassandra and stuff and this was the girl he had previously liked. I started crying and she got upset with me and told me to stop and I was being stupid and stuff. The 'green eyed boy' is Chris. I remember the first time I sang it to him, we wern't going out or anything and we were sitting in the den upstairs and I played it to him and when that line came I put my head down and started laughing and he just hugged me after and told me he loved it.
- "Sunshine"
Let me explain to you
What I mean when I say I love you
It's not a maybe thing
It's as final as the snow and the rain
Everything you need in me
I feel like I should tell you what I see
Maybe the boy has lost his way
Or maybe its me being too upset to say
Chorus: You are the sun in my blue sky
and the blue in the sky surrounds you too
The green in the grass, is as fresh as your smile
The white clouds above could go for miles
Holding over what I stand for
Hope you know what its doing to me
I thought it would die out but I can't take anymore
But you are my love and I'll never walk out that door
REPEAT CHORUS
Hey I'm glad we sorted this out
It doesnt mean I dont still hurt and want to shout
But darling your my light at the end
As much as I adore you, I still wish you'd understand
Inside the pain may still be there
But being with you makes me care
Uhm. This one is self explanitory. This song, I just played it on my guitar and I'm kind of on the verge of tears. When I wrote it, I was or rather I thought (being so dramatic) I was so in love. And when I sang it to Chris he hugged me and held me and told me he loved when I sang for him it made me feel special. It was just about the time we started aruging about drugs and what not and I felt so desperate for him to understand, but I didn't want to make things weird or to argue to much so instead I wrote a song.
- "You're the winner"
Every star and every heartbreak
Leads to, a road thats hard to take
Every teardrop every crazy thought of you
Brings me to my knees
You were my escape my best friend
and I, dont know what I did
Did to deserve this hopelessness It's unheard
but I will try to stay strong
Every simple and frusterating encounter
Reminds me
I can't believe that I was so dumb
Were we just a lie?
and I know what I thought what I felt
I hate you for
All that you have given up on with me
I thought you cared
The worst part is my broken heart
And all the things you said
Do I really need to try?
Congradulations on your prize
You are the winner this time
You have won this round
I think I'll always hold on to you even if I dont want to
Sometimes I think that there will always be
A small part in your forgotten heart
For me
This one is self explanitory too. Alot of hurt within this. I wrote it like two weeks ago in a mad rage. I changed alot of the words.
To me, music is a way to just let go. To talk in this language that will cause people listening to really understand. I love the way when I play the guitar my fingers just get out all this rage when I sing. All my songs are a bit too happy at the moment, but that can change. My Piano song, is amazing I just thrash my fingers and I feel so good after. Like I just wish everyone could hear it. hopefully by the time anyone reads this, my songs will be on my page? :)
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