Tears streaming, down your face and I will miss you.

Ha, what the fuck? I'm at the end of my rope you guys. I mean it this time. I am on my knees, I have hit rock bottom. I don't know what to do. Drama isn't my forte, neither is crying. I haven't stopped crying since last night. My eyes are so red and they hurt and they're swollen. I'm exhausted. I'm wasting my fucking time.

How many times have I written a blog like this? How many times have I felt like dying? How many times have I thought that I was over this whole Chris thing once and for all? Well I'm fucking not. I am convinced I am going to be like until highschool is over and I'll never fucking find a solution to any of this. I fucking hate myself.

Last night I just decided that I have two options. The first, to act like Chris and I are friends and slowly let it kill me and torture myself as he goes through all this bliss with Sarah, or ignore him and leave him be forever and move the fuck on. Neither of these are appealing to me at all and I don't know what to do. I tried texting him telling him how I felt, I tried. He just told me he had to sleep and he'd talk to me later. He still thinks I want a boyfriend girlfriend relationship out of this.

Why the fuck would I want to be with someone so self fucking absorbed and self centered? His ego could barely fit inside my house, much less in a relationship. If I can make one thing absoulutely clear is that I would not now jump at the chance to get back together with him. He's done too much wrong, he doesn't understand and I don't know what to do. I feel like my life is over. I spent last night crying on my moms lap and throwing things and crying myself into a sleepless night.

There is no where else to go. No where else to fall. If he really thought we were friends, if we really were, I would tell him that my friends make me feel better and don't cause me to feel like committing fucking suicide. What do I do? Really, where do I go from here?

Letting him go is going to tear me apart even more than staying near him. My friends are probably sick of me talking about this. THIS WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO TURN INTO THIS! THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF PERSON THAT I FUCKING AM. This isn't me. I can't make up my mind, I don't know what to do. And I bought his fucking Christmas gift already, because I feel like its my fault and I need to fix it.

This needs to be over. Like it NEEDS to end. I am fed up. I am over fed up. I am pissed off I am completely done. Whatever I choose to do from here has to be the right choice. I can't do this anymore. I can't live like Im alright, I keep trying the bottling up method but then I find myself exploding and spending twenty four hours straight crying.

What am I going to do. What am I going to do?!

No I can't be bothered with this.

So It's Saturday Afternoon. I just got back from shopping at Michaels with my mom. I bought a ton of stuff for Christmas gifts. I want to go into detail because the gifts are going to be absolutely amazing in my opinion. But I won't, to spare the surprise. I bought a gift for Caroline, Rebecca, Chris Liu and Chris Dafoe. Don't ask my reasoning behind any of this i just feel like I have to fix things lately and that's what I've been trying to do. This christmas thing is going to be a great excuse to 'fix things' although, I don't really want to go out for Chris Dafoe at this point but, whatever. That's the kind of person I am.

My day today has been very relaxing to say the least. I got a call this morning from the Manager at Sports Mart. I dropped my application off there on thursday, and I'm happy to see she called me back so soon. I really want a job just for the sake of having my own money. Picturing having my own cash makes me extremely happy. I have an 'interview' on tuesday. I'm a little stressed out but I handle pressure very well so I'm sure it will completely fine. My dad says that she'll say "oh lovely tall, beautiful, articulate girl. Your hired!" I laughed because he kinda has to say that, he's my dad!

I'm going to Twilight again tonight. I have to. I hate saying that I love Edward Cullen because I sound like a cliche to the rest of the teenage girl population at the moment. But reading the book I got very into it, and the movie was exactly how I pictured it when I was reading the Novel so I was very pleased and very pleased with their actor choice for Edward Cullen. He is very beautiful I have to say. He plays the part very nicely, and I'm so excited to see it even for the second time.

Last night I saw my great friend Zaina for teh first time in what seems like forever. We walked to Second Cup and talked about boys, her boss, her crush. (Literally, crush.) And toked a little. I feel bad for the person that I'm becoming sometimes. I always presumed that I'd be strong enough to handle peer pressure, and in a sense I probably still would be resistant to it if I had never dated Chris. That makes me angry sometimes, the person he turned me into out of the fear that I always had. I still try to smoke only once every couple weeks, Weed just helps me take my mind off things and get in a state of safety. It's something I'm not proud of. My dad would be horrified if he knew that because he has so much trust in me. The biggest thing is I'm not like the rest of them. I don't think its cool, I don't do it as often as I can, and I can easily live without it if I wanted to. I just feel like alot of the things that go wrong with me can have a quick fix just by blazing. I don't know, I've really lost myself but I'm starting to get back into a solid state where I'm not always contemplating everything. That's something that is very appealing to me.

Tonight I was supposed to go to a party with Ray, Rebecca, and Lisa. But its so hard planning things with Ray and I feel bad because I promised him that tonight I would run around and get crunk and not give a worry as to where I would be sleeping. I have been out of that scene for almost two months now, it never really occured to me that I had been missing out on a lot of parties recently I just...don't care.

I don't care about alot of things in fact. Some stuff that just makes me angry, I try to avoid. I went to Macs with Chris yesterday, had some decent talks. It still frusterates me because he doesn't trust me. I know he doesn;t. Anything I say would probably sound like I'm saying it to cause havoc. I don't. I can't care about him anymore it just makes me angry and unstable because I am not an important figure in his life. Anyways, I'm not going to get on that topic. I don't need this in my life.

So, my weekend is pretty basic. I have cheer practice tomorrow. I pray Lindsay won't be there again, but I doubt that will happen. I;m really cold at the moment so I'm going to go and slip on some comfy shoes. Peace!

XoKristen.

I am zee biggest tool!

Life is good. I guess coming from me that doesn't mean much. My life changes like the weather. In truth, I try hard to try and keep my moods on a moderate level. I guess it doesn't really work. I realized that I might be going crazy because Aunt Flo has graced my life unexpectedly today. So I will just blame my series of unfortunate events on that.

I had a really eventful day which give or take was a good thing for me. I decided today in La that I would participate instead of sitting there scowling at Miss Clarke and her random symbolic messages. It was something I enjoyed and for a change I had fun in La. I presented my advertisement, and I also gave an explantion to the class as to what ' beer goggles' were. Yeah yeah, I know you all know!

Gym class I have found I am extremely goofy in. We have been doing badminton which I enjoy and Lisa and I are partners and are constantly running around, and falling. Well the falling thing I should just speak for myself. I am always on the ground. Lunch was uneventful. That kind of sucked because Drama was uneventful too seeing as half of my group was gone and Elly was in a very somber state. Usually me and her would get up to some antics but she just felt like sitting with her legs propped up on my belly.

Science was just a waste, not even worth my explanation except for the fact that Mickey vee made the bball team and I am really happy for her! That's going to be so much fun. Afterschool I got very busy. I went to starbucks with Chris and made up for my lack of lunch by eating an apple fritter and took the bus to his house for like ten minutes (I know weird) and then ran off to the bus from his house screaming "Stay gold Ponyboy!"

It's getting to the point with us that we are extremely comfortable around each other, extremely trusting and carefree. And it worries me for one reason only. The reason is that friendship is easy now, but if I hear anything about him and other girls I will be moderately crushed. Which sucks because If I'm going to be a bestfriend to him and be his haven I can't be as emotional as the rest of them. In order to prevent me from being emotional like the rest of them I need to not see him as often which is hard because I've grown accustumed to him texting me and wanting to 'hang out' or 'chill' with him. Friends is fine. I actually just enjoyed his company but just in light of the situation we have its really weird. Those feelings I have for him just won't go away. And it's a major problem...

Anyways I dropped off my application after that with my dad at SportsMart. I got home pretty late from Chris' so we did that and I got excited because I would really enjoy having a job. We then went to Canadian Tire to look at Christmas trees for our 'deck'. If you can call it that. (Sorry dad!) I danced with a toy Santa and got a picture with Santa! LOL!

After that I went home and attempted my math homework. It was some of the easier material we've learned but because I am retarded I spent 30 minute of potential homework time dancing in front of my mirror to 'Poker face' and other songs, and the other twenty starting up my computer and turning on my colorful lights. When I finally sat down to do some my dad called and told me it was time to go to cheer.

Cheer was nice because Lindsay wasn't there. Lindsay is teh lovely girl who makes fun of me and says my dancing is horrendous. She is a hoe. We did back handsprings. Mine are getting better. I can only hope I will one day be able to demonstrate a solid Back handspring. I just got home not to long ago and it is very late for me (almost 11) I didn't eat dinner and when I come home from cheer I am like a cow with mad cow disease. I could eat a turkey right now. I just NEEDED to write my blog and have some me time before I caught some Z's. I also could use some food, not that I'm complaining.

On a last note, my belly button peircing is pretty sure to be a go. I just have to wait till after the swimming unit in gym (Where I am wearing a swimming cap), and then I will convince my mother somehow to let my dad take me. And then I will be sexy can I!

Lol I really want a peirced stomach though. It will motivate me to keep my abs!

LOL

XoKristen

Love for the world...Undoing the Rant

*Guilty Face* I have been told a few times to be careful when I write blogs...I have been told numerous times actually. *Shifty Face* Sorry.

Let me say this: I actually had an okay day despite my earlier rant!

Course a few not so great things happened to me.
1) Slammed my finger in my locker early right when I got to school
2) Lost my braces elastics very early in the day so my teeth hurt the whole day
3) Language Arts was ridiculous. Miss Clarke likes to go on tangents.
4) Drama class everyone was being bossy and yelling at each other.
5) My metal water bottle fell of the top shelf of my locker and landed on my head, while full of water and caused more than a few people walking by to laugh at me.
6) Failed a math test. AGAIN. And then right after I handed the sheet in, I understood the questions.
7) Had stupid arguments with Christopher on the bus.
8) Missed like four busses. Was really late getting home.
9) got glared at by all the people on the bus because I was on the phone
10) Had to walk very far in the cold because there was a traffic jam so I got off the bus early.
11) Shower ran out of hot water.
12) Got yelled at by father.

I guess by choice I'm going to list good things. Because I am not completely negative.
1) Put new songs on my ipod so I had a nice little list to choose from this morning.
2) Bought breakfast at school and it was very yummy.
3) "I'm about to smack you in 5 seconds, Kristen's about to smack you in 10, and were about to walk away in fifteen"
4) I actually understood the material in math after a bit of explanation
5) Got to bus with Rebecca!
6) Saw Chris on the bus!
7) Bus wuz warm
8) Had taco's for dinner!
9) Daddy bought Hershey Kisses!

Well thats the best I can think of right now. I'll tell you that my days are pretty good lately. Usually they are better than it was today. I am very distracted by all the people I'm meeting, very distracted by my classes and teachers. Language Arts was stupid. The one good thing about La is that Caroline sits on the other side of the room facing me, so we make faces the entire time and text each other things like "Wow, do you think Ms. Clarke will ever get to the point?"

Spanish went by really fast, which was always good. I had a bad lunch hour because I really didn't have any food. I can't really remember my lunch hour, I remember eating with Lisa and Rebecca and then galloping off to Elly. I remember that because I nearly crushed Elly because she ran in front of me when we were walking back to Shep and the sun was in my eyes and I tripped over her.

Drama class was really bad. It made me sad because usually drama class sets my mood for the rest of the afternoon and Drama is usually very enjoyable for me. The thing is my group is doing a peice on Family Abuse. Like the abusive father, the timid cheating on her husband wife, a daughter who gets beat by her boyfriend and a son who doesn't want to join the army. Sounds like a soap opera right? It kind of is. I don't have alot of input, I tried for awhile but they didn't like my ideas and they don't necessarily think its a soap opera either. (I do)

Paulina and Elly were just being silly. That's what I'll say. Paulina was yelling at me to think of us as a team because "GODDAMIT KRISTEN WERE A TEAM!" And Elly wanted to redo the entire thing because another group had a similar storyline. Brenna just sat there telling them to "Please shutup before I backhand you" She said "I am five seconds away from slapping you. Kristen is ten seconds away, and were both fifteen seconds away from walking away" And when she said that I was laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my face and Brenna did too and Paulina and Elly just sat there staring at us.

So that was interesting. Then when I went to my locker before math class my stupid waterbottle fell on my head which really fucking hurt!

Bus ride home was gooodaaa. I was being an asshole to Chris. I don't know why. I guess I felt like it and Miranda was also on the bus which always makes for an audience. I just told him he owed me like 75 dollars. Then I was just being a bigger asshole. I won't do that tomorrow.

My bus driver almost hit a pedestrian on the way home. This is the same bus driver that narrates his life. "Through the perils of Edmonton City!...." And you just stand there kind of awkwardly listening to his little narration. Also sucks because the 4 usually has three hundred people on it which I don't enjoy. I was talking on the phone with Chris the entire time. Also kind of weird because people glare at you when your on the phone on the bus. I did kinda look like a hoe. My earphone in one ear, my ipod in one hand and my phone in the other. I looked like a little teen girl hoebag. Adults don't like people like me with my little obnoxious nose ring.

Then I got home and had a 15 minute shower which is pretty short for me but the hot water tank ran out and I ended up washing my hair in the sink with cold water with my dad yelling "You wonder why I beat the shit out of you sometimes!"

Then I sat in the bathroom in my underwear and cried because I handle tension and stress like a little bitch. Ask Chris. I used to cry all the time. I still do. Kinda should work on that. Then dad and I went for a drive which I enjoyed. Now I'm here. Typing my little hearts desire trying to turn around my angry rant.

YupYup!

XoKristen.

Would you have the guts to say...?

You know it was never about losing a boyfriend. It was never about her, or anyone else but me really. I feel i'm losing my life. I am one of the worst people you will probably ever come across when it comes to change. I cannot stand waking up every morning and feeling like the world is completely unfamiliar to me. This rollercoaster of emotions is really making me sick, and I want off. I am barely ever sad unless I'm on my own as I was tonight when I was trying to wash my hair.

I never feel sorry for myself like I used to until things remind me of other things. I keep thinking of how angry I am and how ridiculous it is. I really am furious. I am pissed the fuck off and I find myself waking up in the morning and cursing the sky above me because I have done nothing but fucking try. I feel like when it comes to my situations I am lucky. How can I complain when I have it so good? But when i think of other people, (How did you know I would say Chris?) I get so angry.

I plan these long and massive speeches in my head sometimes. Just if I'm doing laundrey or making myself something to eat I think and get so flustered with anger I feel like saying a million things at once. One of them is that Chris got what he fucking wanted. About a month ago I laughed at him and said "What do you have to be sad about?" He told me alot, but I know thats bullshit. He got the girl, he got to be friends with me, and he should be fucking pleased. Really fucking pleased.

What do I have? Other than a bruised self confidence, a shitty attitude, and the amazing ability to put on a brave face everytime someone talks about it. I feel like I'm living in a shell and I never confront my feelings with anyone. I can bet you 100 dollars he has no idea I feel this way. When I see him I'm like a ray of fucking sunshine like nothing is fucking wrong. Reality: Were not fucking bestfriends. And when it comes down to it he fucked me over, he said alot of bullshit, and chose someone else over me.

Why would I want to be friends with someone like that?

Because I can't fucking let go.

I miss summertime so much. I really miss Tim and how I used to see him alot and he would hug me and make me feel like I mattered as a friend. I miss when we wern't all in highschool and gossip didn't get passed around like fucking air. I hate that the most now. The circulation that everyone has. People think I'm over it. They expect me to be over it. They laugh and mention that they are dating. They mention how they 'hook up' all the time. If I really had my way I would either
a) fucking move away, or
b) Shoot myself in the fucking face to put an end to these fucking people.

I probably shared too much there. But surprisingly I just felt like going on a rant because It needs to be sad. I'm trapped. I have no idea where I'm going with this because if i ever told Chris we couldn't be friends and walked away from him, He wouldn't come after me. Like I actually don't matter to people anymore. I used to hang out with Tim and all the guys and listen to their funny stories and be in complete bliss because Caroline was with him and I just had the best 'crew' in the world. But where the fuck did they go?

I don't ever see Tim. I don't talk to Daniel unless he feels like telling me something rant worthy. I don't fucking recognize Chris anymore he is not the person I fell for he is now just this silouette. I feel so lost. My dad always tells me you can never go back. I know I can't. But I feel like crying and begging someone to give me the answers. I want someone to hold me and tell me its going to turn out okay eventually and I want Chris to tell me he never wanted to hurt me and he'll always care for me and mean it. I want my best friends back, I want Westminster back, I want happiness back. And although I'm happy now because I'm grateful for my life, I still wish sometimes I hadn't got the 'gift' to be here. I hate being angry, but I hate crying more. Something this blog is causing me to do. I want people to be sincere and need me in their life. I just want escape and love. I even told Chris he was my escape once, and with the whole weed thing I told him he couldn't be my escape anymore. He told me I was never willing to change. And I did. I hate myself for trying drugs in the first place after being so strong willed to never succum into that world. It never would have happened if I didn't try to change for Chris. At the time I thought it would make him want me back.

I wish I never met him. I wish I never dated him. I wish I never went to Shep and I wish I went to a school far away from the people I go to school with now because no one knows how hurt I am and how I try so hard to act like I can handle everything becuase I don't want people to think that I can't handle a measly breakup. I don't know what I want from Chris. I don't want a friendship, but I do. Even though we have one it hurts me so fucking much to see him because I lost him. I fucked everything up as I usually do, I still like him after two months, and I'm still in this dark and lonely place and I keep trying to fool myself that I'm not.

I'm trying to hang on. I don't know if I can anymore. I don't want to be this person. The person that I am has friends that respect her, a boyfriend who loves her and doesn't need to smoke to feel like she has a second chance. That's me. I have lost a connection with all of my closest friends. I have lost myself along the way trying to be me without him. I have made a mountain out of something that I should have handled in silence. For the rest of my life I will shudder when I drive by fucking Mac. I will never ever feel okay about this. I am trying my hardest to find someone to take my attention and it seems like everyone else has but me. Even Caroline has moved on from Tim. Chris has forgotten how I had been special the day we broke up. And I absoulutely hate him for everything he's done to me. And I hate being at home because my mom is fucked up and her ex boyfriend is fucked and he still lives with us and I hate my dads house because all he does is yell and threaten me. I feel so trapped right now and i know im creating this for myself but I can't help it.

What am I supposed to do.

What the fuck am I supposed to do.

Time to let go.

So i guess I had a good day. I came home afterschool, had lassagna for dinner and went over to Morgans house so her sister could drive us to the mall to view Twilight. I'm going to say I thought it was hands down amazing, mostly because I read the book and It was exactly how I had pictured it which is always good to find.

I'm on my little Vista laptop right now, and the battery says I have about 20 minutes left which is a rough estimate so Im going to try and fit as much as I can into this small text box in the smallest amount of time.

Basically, I'm happy. I have alot of reoccuring thoughts about Chris though. It happens to me probably once every day during a class that I would find boring. Caroline thinks its weird that I still have feelings for him after nearly two months. I think it's weird to. There are so many things I feel like I need to say, but they arn't appropriate. He dumped me. All those things I wanted to say left with that too. the fact that I still think about it regularily makes me sad because I want to believe I'm a strong person. But I'm really not, and I am always fighting with myself when I think about him and all the things he said to me however many months ago, to how on earth it has taken us here and I get so fucking angry sometimes during the day htat things turned out this ridiculous. Then I see him and I remind myself how nice it would be to become friends. And that is why I still talk to him today and torture myself.

I have alot of good things about my day obviously but I just can't get over my brain and how it keeps working. Someday I promise you this will all be done with and I will find myself moving on and forgetting the things that were said. But for some reason I can't fucking let go. And it's taking to long. I am telling my recently broken hearted cousin all these things about how it gets easier with time, which is bullshit because even though it becomes less painful It still haunts me and people like Elly still think its okay to run at the mouth about someone I really care about and used to have something really well, special with.

It hurts to hear things too I'm not going to lie. And thats all people at my school do. They gossip. I find out things about her from all sorts of people. If I hear anything else I swear I will fucking scream.

XoKristen

Kristen is a little nutty!

So as I am saying to Emma, I actually believe that I am completely nuts. I scare myself because I am so strange. I mean, I have been having really good days at school because I finally broke through my sad bubble, and penetrated those massive walls and I have made alot of new friends which I didn't expect in such a short amount of time.

I am a little on edge and insane only because I am always freaking out about how long the happiness will last. I mean, Im not the only one with issues. I am estatic lately because I adore Lisa's company and I think she is so funny and cute and we have very nice conversations. I barely see Rebecca and Caroline which makes me a little sad but because its so ...unoften, the times I DO see them are without fights.

Elly and I are getting along really well, were getting pre tight. Drama is so much fun for me, I look forward to it everyday. I have almost let Chris go. I hurt sometimes because what I want sometimes is what we had but I am so incredibly happy that were friends. Sometimes I wonder if Im just imagining that were super close just because I want us to be. But I guess for the time being its good for me to just be blissful. He still makes me moderately angry as well...just because I wish for once I could be the one looking down on him and not the stupid ex girlfriend who can't seem to move on.

What can you do though. I'm kind of sick at the moment it's not very much fun. My throat is sore and my lips are so chapped and dry and I feel like my head is exploding.

Oh, bad thing about today is that my old father and his girlfriend might be breaking up. If they do, I swear I will track her down. I am tired of people hurting I was sick and tired enough of myself being so miserable for two months and I told Chris I hate seeing my parents vulnerable because thats what they are supposed to be protecting us from. I feel like there is nothing I can do and to be honest I feel like it's my fault they are breaking up, if they do happen to. He's really sad and I hate seeing him sad. I hate when he always has plans and leaves me home to rot, but I hate when he's at home rotting even more.

It really sucks man. Also, a month until Christmas tomorrow I believe! Or maybe today. Im really sore right now and my phone is chillen on my belly and I'm thinking of the week ahead since its only monday and my head just got alot more sore. Dam short weekends I hate you.

XoKristen

One step at a time

The thing about my life lately is that it is very inconsistant. I had a really good weekend, and although I had little time to relax and smell the roses I feel ready for monday morning. About as ready as I can be. I just finished reading up Alyssa's blog. I love her, and she hasn't written a little blog in awhile. It's true how this little white box is an escape and portal between my mind and the real world. I miss not being able to go in such great depth about things, but I still can open up the bowles of my mind as Alyssa does, but just with some caution.

I am genuinely happy. I'm not exactly confident with my situations at the moment. I feel like this happiness is somewhat unstable, since i;ve been proven wrong before. I trust my instinct and the way that I carry myself. But, I still have my doubts. Everything with everyone seems to be going as it's planned, and it's scared to embrace that with amounts of trust. Things with my friends are very good. I have found a new little crew, and Elly is becoming someone I really trust. I haven't even let Rebecca and Lisa go which is the best part because I still have my time with them, but I've taken a little break with spending all my time with them that we don't get on each others nerves anymore.

For a little while I was very distant towards being happy. I didn't really know how to be happy and I didn't let myself be. I think I really caused my friends to shut me out because I was acting so icy. I think I was allowed to just because I was so hurt for awhile. But I think I finally got off the feeling sorry for myself ship and just told myself that things get better because they do. I miss alot of things and alot of the time they still catch up to me but I am confident that things will get better and go away.

I saw Chris today, I guess its fine to just use his name. I am happy that a friendship is working. I am not happy however that it is day B tomorrow. I had a really good time today though surprisingly, I like being happy when I can see things in the future turning out the way that I want them to. Things just suck sometimes, some things still do. But I have to remind myself that this is my life and because it is, it is the only one I should be focusing on. I don't need to worry about the girls at Cheer and why they make fun of me, I don't need to worry about Chris and his choices because their his. I can't justifiy why he does the things he does. Or why anyone does the things they do. I just need to be in a place where I feel stable. And I will be there soon.

XoKristen

Haha. Dejavu.

So this weekend has been interesting so far. I went with Elly last night to this place called Saltans Palace. We went with this guy named Aaron and another guy named Peter. It's a Huka bar. They give you Huka and you smoke it and then leave. You have to be 16 to buy it, and it isn't hard to try to look 16 since I will be 16 in a few months.

It was definately interesting. Makes your head feels so light, I remember Peter laughing and saying he was floating. It's like flavoured tobacco I'm pretty sure. It was fun hanging out with some people that I didn't know for a change. I like making new friends and what not. It was a bit awkward though since I didn't know Aaron or Peter so I just kind of sat there quietly the entire time and Aaron got sick from over smoking so we left kind of early and went home.

Anyways this morning is Saturday and I got up at like 8:30. I don't know why but I found myself waking up and lying in bed thinking about alot of things that made me really sad. Just things with 'voldemort'. I hadn't cried about him in so long. I just kind of broke down and grabbed my blankets and walked around my house for a bit. It was even still kind of dark out. I just feel a little sad today. Nothing ever really turns out it seems. I told Elly the other day that I feel like everyone is always out to get me.

This girl named Lindsay at Cheer has been making fun of me and Rebecca and Lisa aren't very understanding of me these days. Everything is a judgement. I feel like 'voldemort' has sincerely let me down. I hate him. I really do. I think of him and my blood just boils. He doesn't seem to give a fuck about me and it makes me so angry. Voldemorts new girlfriend makes me so upset. THe way she talks about me, laughs about my hurt. I had something fucking special and she doesn't even know me well enough to make fun of me for that. She doesn't deserve anything in my opinion and the world is making me so mad because they think they can just walk all over me. They think that they are all above me. And I am so tired of it. I feel completely lost because I don't know which people I should keep around.

I don't know if Voldemort is worth it. I feel pitied and pathetic and thats not something I want to feel in a fucking friendship. Whats the point of being there for him? I don't see it. I just don't. He has his fucking new girlfriend. Im so hurt man. It sucks so bad sometimes. Somedays more than others. I haven't really thought about in awhile but I'm fucking sad.

It's been two months okay, and I dont even know if I've been near to getting over it. Every single day I think about the summertime. It sucks. Its hard not to be mad at someone after that.

But I'm going to peace
Ttyl

XoKristen

Why must I have to hide my intriqute thoughts?!

I absolutely adore Alyssa! She makes my day when I read her silly blogs that are for me. Congradulations on the basketball cuts miss MickeyVee! I am not sure if that means your on the team, but if you do make it I will come and lurk at all of your home games! LOLOL. JK!

Today was a real shitty ass day. I saw voldemort on the bus ride, and Lisa got angry with me because I told her it was kick a ginger day. (She is ginger). She told me it was rude and I kind of laughed because I thought it was funny and I would be honored if it had been kick a blonde day.

I passed my math Exam by one lousy little point. 50%. I am so peeved at myself because my Math average last year was in the 85%-90% zone. Now it sits at a measly 58. Or something like that. Drama class was a bunch of fun. A girl named Vita is doing a dance performance for her ...performance about what is important to you. Or something that is a big issue. The boys were playing with the lightboards and playing rap music and we were all head banging and grinding and dancing until Mrs. Forde came in and told us it wasn't a dance class but a drama class. Duh!

Um It was just a really cold miserable day. L.A was fun since we got to type up our essays, but Spanish was just spanish and lunch was just lunch and math was just Math and Mac got out early for parent teacher interviews and I just overall thought the day was a crock of boring shit.

I miss people on a regular basis. I wanna see Morgan and Keltyn! And surprisingly I miss Voldemort. I am also fearful of the world coming to an end tonight. I have cheer in about an hour and a half, but there is insane winds outside loud enough that I can hear them through my little wooden window in my room, and apparently a meteorite hit Edmonton today. Apparently it lit up the sky to an orange color which is ironic since its kick a ginger day.

But seriously, it's going to be so incredibly cold going to cheer and I am going to shoot myself because this is just the beginning of the cold weather. In Edmonton its been like -40 before. Last year it got close to -50 and I almost died. I lasted like 5 seconds outside before I felt like crying. It's sort of ridiculous that we put up with the weather here.

God Dammit I wish I had a long weekend like the Mac kids!

PEACE
XoKRISTEN

My Life is a joke because

I take everything for granted.

Voldemort and Professora Snape.

Well today was, short. I think I have finally accepted school at Ross Sheppard. Like, I enjoy it. I don't spend my time locked away within the bowls of my mind thinking of he who not be named. Lets just call him 'voldemort'. I'm happy for once. It's a great feeling to realize that you love life, and being alone isn't this torturous thing anymore.

It's fun. I saw voldemort today. He didn't even try to battle with me like usual. You know, the last time we battled I got a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt. Unlike my good pal Harry though, it was upon my heart. (Don't ask how it got there). I am completely fine with being friends with voldemort. He's not so entirely bad. We have good jokes, we talk deeply about stuff as if nothing ever happened. Just the thing is, stuff did happen. And he was a tool, I have proof just look upon my heart.

My mind wanders towards him sometimes. I always wonder what if. What if I had acted differently? What if I had been more supportive of his evil choices? These questions dont ever go away. But I'm happy and no one can take that away from me. I find myself not caring about the small details in Voldemorts life. If he wants to be an asshole, he can be an asshole. I have no say. Course, there is always a hope in my mind he'll come back and I always punch myself thinking of Voldemort because when I hang out with Voldie I wonder what my intentions are and those are kind of hard to pinpoint.

But its sort of a big WHATEVEr. School was fun today, there was an assembly. My drama class thinks I'm nuts since I romp around screaming and dancing and climbing things the entire class. I think they hate me. But oh well what can you do. I'm excited for the weekend. SO glad that its thursday tomorrow because the day after thursday is friday and then saturday I'm going to a party with Lisa! I am stoked for that little thing! We are going to get crunk and dance to some beats and laugh because everytime we see this boy named Raymond who can drive I might point out, and were drunk we think he is the hottest existing thing. It should be an entertaining night if it goes through. I haven't gone and partied in over a month. My time is getting a little low!

I also talked to the boy in my drama class today who told lies about his mothers existance. It was a little awkward. Alot of people hate him because of the lies he's told. Paulina said hes a chronic liar. Or something along those lines. Like the things he says, he believes are true. I actually am kinda scared when I see him. I don't really quite understand what goes through his head and why he would feel it necessary to tell people his mom committed sucidide and how in the world he would ever think he could get away with it.

I want to see Elly this weekend because for the past couple weeks we go to her house and sit on our asses on saturday nights and watch movies like Knocked up and eat popcorn and talk about Voldemorts Lady friend. Lets just call her Proffessora Snape. Only because Snape is kind of devious, and professora is his wife. (i just made this up. I'm making up names so nobody knows their identities!)

I am not looking forward to tomorrow since it is Day B, and Day B's consist of Spanish and Mathematics. Two subjects I am not entirely crazy about. I must go now though to update my little blog and cry over my somewhat pathetic life because I am a tad sad today just because I realized some things will never EVER be the same and that makes me sad.

XoKristen

My Lips are Sealed.

I have been anticipating a blog all day. The thing is, I made a promise that I would stop making rant blogs that went too far in my life because then they give too much people about others. Like he who not be named for example. I kind of pushed that envelope way to far. I forgot that eventually things get around, and they did and he kindly asked me to stop writing so deep into our lives so that completely random people can read it.

I kinda hate that, since now if I have an itch to write a blog about something that's been bugging me I can't really unless its just involving me...which lets face it, it usually doesn't just concern me. So I will say that this week, or the first few days have been going delightfully past. I just finished my science homework and I am proud to say I did it very quickly and understood it very well. I had a math test today, I probably didn't do that great although I have been trying so hard to bring my mark up. I'm close to failing. I hate it. Tomorrow should be a fast day. Language Arts, I'm pretty sure were presenting our Essays which is great because maybe we can say goodbye to Mr. Essay for good.

Then Gym, Lunch, then drama which always goes by fast. And then we have an assembly which I think for once might be something interesting. I hope. Not something about the elections like last time, and nearly put me to sleep. I think I'll bring my camera. I am getting quite attatched to this KandKLINK thing all over again. If you don't know what I'm talking about search KandKLINK on youtube. (I haven't been able to post the video of my day at school yet, it takes SO long to upload...)

Hmm I want to say some stuff about he who not be named. But I won't. I made a promise. If I just keep reminding myself then maybe I'll keep my mouth shut. As long as I remember how much it irked ..that person. But I'm happy for once I have just accepted the terms of my life and the way things are turning out. Like, I'm not happy but I'm content. I'm fine. Whatever haha. That just happens to be my attitude.

Okay Peace!

XoKristen

More Sunny Thoughts!

I never realized until just now as I was straightening my hair in the washroom as an old song came up on itunes from shuffle just how much I miss the fucking summertime. It sounds like I'm referring to Chris again, but no no no. I can't go into that topic anyways, I promised I wouldn't write blogs that went too far into my life anymore. The song is called At the Beginning. Keltyn and I worked on the grad video, and that was the song.

I miss it so much it's insane. I actually started crying as I was straightening my hair. I miss the smells of the summertime, the walks in the evening when it would get dark at 10:30. I miss my crew and all the friends I had. I still have those friends but they were all linked together by relationships. Like Caroline and Tim. And now that everyone is broken up I can pretty much say goodbye to ever hanging out with those same people ever again.

I'm really sad about it. Snow hasn't even really fallen and stayed. It's November. I have so long too go until its beautiful outside again. I have so long until the summer and I want those same people back and a summer romance but I doubt it will happen.

Aw. I'm sad.

XoKristen

Take a Gander at my positive attitude!

This is my secret issue with not writing a blog in a couple of days. The secret is, that several times throughout the days I feel like expressing something and later when I get to the actual blog itself, the thought is absoulutely gone. As is my problem right now.

I do remember, that I have had a great past two couple of days. Yesterday I had a great morning. It started out great because I made tea and carried my little mug to the bus stop with me and had warm orange peaco goodness up until first block. Language arts class wasn't fun, but gym class was amazing it was an intense game of chaos ball. I had a great lunch with Elly, Michelle and Katie. It was great because it was people that I was new to experiences with and I loved the feeling of making new friends. I felt bad, walking by the cafe and seeing Lisa and Rebecca sitting alone, but whatever, right?

Drama class was alot of fun, and it usually is when I;m with Elly. Science class, not so great, but I had a good laugh when Anne, Tamam and Elly were in the far courtyard taking pictures of me in science class. The day, I forget sort of as a whole. Just because it was yesterday and I remember today more strongly. I went to Mac's with Chris though yesterday and we stayed there for awhile. I don't know what it is, but when I see him now our conversations sometimes either grow incredibly hollow, or just weird. Never awkward, just weird.

The things we talk about, should be banned. We got on the stupid topic of me being a man somehow and he joked saying "That's why I dumped you". It's weird because I laughed. It's weirder that it didn't feel wrong at the time that, that's what he had chosen to say. And when we took the 117 bus home and we talked a little more and then he got off the bus, imitating me once when I slammed the side of the bus with the palm of my hand laughing as I skipped away, and I just laughed. After that little visit with him I was more determined than ever to keep him close as a friend and keep the feelings farther away. I am feeling him slipping away. I am feeling my interests grow tired and sore, I still think hes an amazing person and it is definately getting easier to be friends. But when I see him, it doesn't cause me pain, just alot of stress. Thoughts come into my mind that I hadn't really thought of in awhile, and just when I think friendship is impossible I see him and we have a great time and I really do genuinely make him laugh, and then he's gone. Then just like that, I feel all warm and fuzzy because Hey! We just had several normal conversations and it felt right. But later I get home, later I crawl into bed and I think of Sarah. And I think of the summertime and how much I gave up for him and how much I loved him. Then I get very angry. Then I feel a deep sense of loathing for the two of them. And then I wake up the next morning, very sad with the tears ready to fall.

It's very unpredictable and hard for me. It is getting easier though and I am so happy for that. I thought the depression would grab hold of me and change my view of things but it hasn't quite like I expected yet. I am still finding myself trying to find the pro's underneath all the hurt that he's caused me. I guess the best way to describe it is that sometimes I am terrified to go to school. I feel this deep pit in my stomach everytime I approach those stupid front doors because I'm scared of another thing falling carelessly out of someones mouth. Then, if something happens I hear it, I get down. Usually I would go to him, hear his side of the story and hear how genuine he is about his apology, and how bad he feels and my mood is lightened again because he is a friend. He cares. He's Sorry. But a few days go by, we don't talk, and slowly the words and the peoples faces slowly start eating at me all over again and the words he said to build up my confidence and my forgiveness get sliced down again and I'm back where I started.

Him and Sarah absoulutely terrify the shit out of me. I was thinking today as I was sitting on the bus, that out of all of this I want to come out of it when him and Sarah eventually end saying "Yeah I had this over her" if they end up falling in love, and being head over heels in passion, I won't have anything special over her anymore. I can't say "oh yeah? well Chris used to kiss the tip of my nose" I'm scared of what we had losing it's meaning. For me, it's impossible for that meaning to go at the moment because I have no one else to run to with open arms. I have no sexy boy that I'm attracted to thats willing and able to be my next boyfriend candidate. I am just Kristen, and there isn't a boy in sight, and there literally hasn't been anyone that has caught my interest at all. So, I Kristen Huggett am just holding onto that little morsal of what we had and unnervingly when I go to school I'm scared I will hear about them doing something and it will devalue what we had.

Call me crazy. But, like I always say in defense for myself. It's alot easier to move on when you have a distraction. He's lucky. That distraction was already on his doorstep the day I was out of the picture. And I'm still here, searching so hard because really, how pathetic is it that I am so caught up STILL?! It has to stop and I know it. I was like Chris' first real relationship. And how long does a human live on average? 75 years? So what am I hoping? That I will remain special for the rest of his life? I doubt it highly. I doubt he will even remember me in that time.

As long as I live I want to remain true to the prospect of never forgetting your first love. I had an amazing summer. Maybe that's all it was. A Summer fling. But I am spending my nights awake pondering every corner of this issue and I don't see any more possible ways to break it down. I've thought of every possible thing I possibly could.

Tonight, I learned a lesson in real friends. I feel as if I'm becoming very picky towards 'friends'. I don't feel like Chris will be a good friend, and even Keltyn was acting weird today when I saw her. I had a little date with Carson and Keltyn and at first we went to steeps and had some tea and conversation, and then walked a good ten blocks despite my efforts to take a bus to Red Robins thats slightly on the edge of downtown Edmonton. I was so happy to see Keltyn, I screamed when she got to my house. She is getting so mature and trendy and she is the cutest person I have ever seen and still the most creative. I can not, with any bone in my body, ever manage to be mad at Keltyn. She is probably the sweetest girl I know. Carson is one of the wittiest, sarcastic, most charasmatic people I have ever met. And I have missed both of them since Highschool started. Westminster was a huge chapter of my life for me, and although it wasn't for the two of them because they both admitted they didn't miss it at all, I still felt like it had been ages since I'd seen them.

Keltyn talked about Vic. She talked about the cool painted hallways that they were ripping down, one hallway called the Alley. She talked about the hot boys in her classes, and how she was certain a couple of them were gay. She was talking about how her math teacher turned the song "We Will Rock You" Into "We Will Graph You" to help the kids in her math class remember the song. Carson talked about his divorced parents, how his dad and him didn't get along. He talked about his crazy older brother and his insane stories. We sat down in Red Robin and just talked and talked and interuppted each other and talked. I felt like I was on a cloud I was having such a good time. My stomach still actually HURTS from laughing. Those are two people I will always remember, even when I do get to 75 years of age.

Like I said, seeing them, seeing Morgan last weekend and hanging out with Elly, just really makes me question people. Cheer last night was alot of fun, and I think alot of my negative feelings towards Caroline and Rebecca were just because I was just in such a bad state of mind, for...well since school has started basically. Everything with Chris has messed me up, and sometimes I lie awake thinking that he has really changed me. He made me become this person I didn't know for a good three weeks, where I smoked so often and didn't take a second thought to what the hell I was doing. I treated alot of my friends badly because I thought I didn't need them, and wouldn't beneift from them in my life. I know I'm wrong now. Cheer was so much fun for me, and I felt involved with Lisa and Rebecca for the first time in what seems like weeks. They haven't laughed at anything I'd said in so long, I almost forgot what it was like to have them as good genuine friends.

I got a text from Chris as well, he didn't win his volleyball finals, I am amazed that they are over so soon. But I guess its been a good two and a half months. Course I replied and all I got back was some dead air. Tomorrow evening Elly wants to hit up a party, and is very sure that if we don't find one we will hang out at her house. I think I may have messed up her view of what my moms house is like. I think she might actually be scared to come over since I told her that my mom smokes illegal substances.

Whatever the case, I'm seeing her tomorrow. I have cheer on sunday and I am looking forward to that, but I'm not. Three hour practices kill me.

But as I sit here now, my eyes are faltering so I am going to hit the hay as they say. Lol. 0.o

XoKristen

With the snow comes sorrow.

Taking things for granted. Now isn't that a very vast and largely important subject? I have never felt more aware of the things in life that we shrug off everyday, and the second that they leave our lives forever, no longer allowed to be graced by our touch or our prescence, it seems crazy that we never cherished it.

I'm not just talking about the brats on tv shows who get sent away to a third world country and come home with a huge realization about how fucking amazing we have it here. Im not just talking about the people that finally realize that as canadians, americans, and alot of wealthy countries, we can get whatever we want at our fingertips.

I'm talking about friends. Family. People who may in fact be more than friends. Of course you saw this coming. I am a stuttering and reminscing mess these days. But I can't help but feel like if I am feeling such a connection with this picture, that I must be missing alot more about life in general. That when your mom or dad hugs you, there are alot of kids in the world who would kill to have that love and safety that you have.

There are so many things I feel like I don't deserve. I don't deserve the houses that I have. I don't deserve the privealge to ask my mom for cash just so I can buy a 70$ + sweater. I don't deserve alot of things. I feel that as a person, the way i've been brought up, that I am completely selfish. I am selfish for the reason that instead of these thoughts rocketing through my mind everyday, about hygiene, shelter, food. I;m thinking about a boy's touch and how much I miss it. Im thinking about how I want to be loved like I always used to be.

I think theres something wrong with that. I would like to say I'm going to try my best to get my mind out of the gutter, but today after hanging out with Chris squared (Chris Liu and Dafoe) I feel like I am not a special, or even important person in Chris Dafoe's life. Hell, I want to be so bad. But the harder I try, the more I feel like he is pushing me away. I'm becoming extremely doubtful of our wanting to be good friends aspect. I am doubtful of the text messages I have from him that state that he really cares for me, and already considers me his best friend.

I felt so unimportant today. Uncherished. I flipped shit on him today because every ten seconds he was texting Sarah when Chris Liu and I were trying to make conversation. I am so fucking shocked by all of this. Everytime I see him its a punch in the face, I can't believe what happened. I can't even comprehend where I went wrong. I really am just another face in his life. And just like that, Sarah became the center of it. Chris Liu always sneaks little encouraging words to me when Dafoe leaves the room. He tells me that this is normal, that its still so raw with us I can't expect it to go smoothly. But today was so terrible. The way I feel like Chris Dafoe treated me. The way he freaked out on me everytime I tried to be silly, or try to make a point. I felt utterly annoying, him loving me seems so far away. I feel like anything I say, he's going to tell Sarah and she will kiss him and they will share thoughts about how stupid I am. Afterall, when she found out I cried on the phone when he told me they were dating, she ran around Mac and told people.

That's apparently how people know me know. I have two witnesses to show for it. I don't know where I went wrong. I only think about it a little over 2 times a day now. It's a huge improvement from the 400 times I would think about it last month. I'm glad for it, but I don't understand why I'm trying so hard, literally wanting a close friendship so bad. Today I stepped back for a second and was like, "Kristen, what are you doing?" Whatever I'm doing, is setting me up for more heartbreak. I am wasting my time. Anything Chris says to me I know will not be genuine. Thats how I feel at least. My breath feels wasted on him, my effort feels like it doesn't matter. We argued so much today, I tried to apologize for one small argument and he said "Kristen we have tried talking it out before. It doesn't solve shit, maybe we can just ignore it and it will go away like reverse physcology"

Wtf?! How about not?! He kept saying angrily "kristen its not an issue" everytime I tried to fix something that was most definately an issue. I think he always forgets how for a small chunk of his life I meant something to him, and in that small time era I learned alot about him. And I can still read him like a book. He does this face when he's trying to be nice and smile but hes so pissed off, and I counted probably twelve of those looks today. What we would fight about was so ridiculous, and Chris Liu would just sit there listening intently. I would say something about my feelings and he would snap at me. I said "I just feel like when your texting people you don't want to talk to me and Chris" And he said "kristen is it actually so bad that I text like once an hour?" and I said "No, but you text more than-" he interuppted me and said "The last time I texted was like two hours ago" and said "you only stopped because I flipped on you" Then he shouted "EXACTLY!"

Yeah because that makes total sense. I don't know if it was just a bad mood like he claims. But I can't handle it. At all. My effort feels so completely wasted on him, and I always say that if its not going to be returned there is absoulutely no point. I am just angry, when I laid in bed last night all I could think about was the things I wanted to say to him. I just feel so mad with everything, I feel like if I say something it won't matter. Who am I to say anything? i'm no one. Im the ex girlfriend. Sarah is laughing her way into chris' heart everytime I try to do anything. I feel so completely helpless, I am so desperate because summer is slipping through my grasp, the closure of that was today when there was a fresh sheet of snow upon everything. With the winter, comes sorrow for me. It's a reality bomb. It's an "its over" bomb. I fucking hate school and how I have none of my good friends. I love Lisa, but her and Rebecca are attatched at the hip and I can't stand Rebecca these days. Anything i say to her isn't important and is shooed away by an eyeroll. I miss seeing Morgan, and Chris Liu and Keltyn and my good friends. I want to repair fucking me and Chris Dafoe because he said Sarah wouldn't change anything and it is, because its devaluing what I mean to him. Which is at .5 so I don't see how it could possibly get any fucking lower.

I'm probably speaking too soon. We haven't even hit the negatives.

Surrendering that White Flag

Haha It doesn't surprise me that what my dad says, has turned out to be right. He always tells me "Kristen, your just torturing yourself everytime you see him" I mean, it's true. Every single time I 'hangout' with that boy, I feel this huge sense of loss. I don't feel necessarily sad, I don't want what we had back anymore. I just feel like I have missed out. I missed my chance to shine, although I did get it. What can you do? Not a day passes that I don't think about something from the summertime. Not a day passes that I over anylize all the events of the last few months and blame myself for every single thing.


What can I do now? Absoulutely nothing. And I don't care anymore. I went to Elly's house last night and had so much fun and came home extremely happy I found a friend to confide in. She is amazing to talk to, and she agrees with what I say. It's nice to have someone that wants to talk. I haven't had that in awhile other than Lisa and Morgan really. I miss having a good friend and I'm glad I'm making some. We talked about Chris of course, I just want to get it across to everyone that before all the drama of this year me and Chris were best friends and we had a fun time. I think alot of people forget that, and that hurts.

I don't know how long him and Sarah will last. I don't want them to, but on the other side of the coin I want him to be happy. I can't help what i've done, because all i've done is what I thought was right. All I've done was try, and I failed. I just give up. I told Morgan today, in regards to her and myself. You can only try for so long, and hurt yourself for so long. Sometimes there comes a time to admit defeat.

I admit defeat. I'm hanging up my sash. I'm letting Chris go and letting him get on with Sarah. I will never forget anything, I'm weird that way. But I am holding back my own opportunites because I think that someone that doesn't even care will SOMEDAY come running back to me. It's a joke. And life is a joke. I don't want a relationship, I want freedom from the way that I feel.

Everyone is telling me the same thing. Why him? You know? This is just my dramatic teen attatchment speaking. Thats what I tell myself. I miss the crew of the summer so intensely, the crew is so split up and gone. Tim has a new girlfriend thats not Caroline, Chris has a new girlfriend thats not me. That's the reality. Friends? That will hurt the shit out of me, eventually he'll think i'm over him, he'll start telling me about the girls he likes. And I'll sit there and take it. Elly told me that you can't go back. My dad told me that It failed for a reason. Lisa told me I need to have self respect. obviously these people know whats right for me.

So bye, Chris. Cut the cord. Ironic the song i'm listening to right now has those lyrics in them. But its true, wanting someone doesn't always get you them. Unless your Sarah Pringle. I am convinced she must be the most beautiful human being to capture all my guy friends' hearts. So I shouldn't doubt her, if they find something in her. I give up. I once said that this isn't a game, and she thinks it is and Chris is the prize. But so be it. If it were, she has won. She got everything she wanted. An amazing individual. Whatever.

I can only cry for so long. And I'm done now. Eventually I have a feeling I'm going to probably tell Chris we can't be friends and move on with life. The only reason I'm attempting a friendship is because I don't want to let go. But I have to. He's hurting me more than he knows by just existing. So I'm on my knees, and I am giving the fuck up. It's done.

Tomorrow I am going to venture over to Morgie's school and find her and go to her place, the home where her mother hates me. I'm going to hang out with her in the evening and fake a smile because I know Chris has plans with her on monday since he cancelled the plans with me and Chris Liu. Then Tuesday come I'm going to go over to Chris Dafoe's house with Chris Liu, smile my way out of everything because everything has to be okay. And I'm not going to let anyone know that I feel like I've reached a dead end in my life.

XoKristen

I have nothing else to say.

Another day, another realization

Happy saturday folks! I am so glad that it's finally the weekend. Lucky for all the Shep kids, we have monday and tuesday off. I am extremely happy about that. I have a few plans that I'm trying to set up, or already are. Tonight I am possibly going to Elly's to either go to a party or to have a Saw marathon. Lol.

I really want to see Morgan, but that will most likely be on tuesday. It is her birthday today so I want to give her a little shoutout. Happy birthday Morgie! Your finally 15! Last night Lisa came over, and I had alot of fun with her. I really enjoy how me and her never fight and how much fun we can have. Course half the fun was making fun of my dad, and he didn't like that very much. Especially when he said "You may be smarter than me, but I know more than you" and then he said "I've been around" I laughed and said 'ew', which sent me and Lisa back up to the loft laughing hysterically.

Yesterday was friday, and I had another good day. Drama class was alot of fun again with Elly, I have grown accustumed to telling her things. And I trust her. So I hope I don't get let down. I'm still really frazzled about all this stuff with Chris. It's making me really confused and angry that he still thinks that he has me wrapped around his finger.

Which he does. He can say one small thing about being interested again, and I will lose my mind. I feel so vulnerable and everyone is telling me if he changes his mind, I can't go back to him. It'd be nice to say honestly that if he ever did that, that I would say a harsh no. But I still feel like I need to find this out for myself. Live and learn. Because I know that if I did the right thing, it would feel wrong. My friends would be seriously disappointed in me but my emotions are incredibly messed up right now.

Like I always say, Our relationship feels like it happened years ago. I yearn for it so much sometimes, and sometimes I feel like I could go the rest of my life not talking to him again. It's just very uneasy, hard, and really uncomfortable always trying to put the peices of the future together and having no idea how things are going to turn out. I don't want to get hurt even more than I already have been, but whose to say that something won't happen and I will be crushed all over again. It feels somewhat like a vicious circle. No matter how content I feel with a friendship it seems like something comes to bite me in the ass.

But I will have to deal with it. And I am going to try my best to do so. If any new options come up, I'm going to learn for myself. Despite the things my friends know for sure, I'm hanging on to strong to let it go just yet. As things are right now. I would be happy if I heard no more about Chris and Sarah. It hurts so much picturing them together and what they might be getting up to. Wow, you have no idea.

But my dad said something to me and he said "Kristen you can put two and two together. Trying to glue the peices back together and figure out where you went wrong. But the bottom line is you guys didn't work out. You don't have to be bitter about it, you can say yes I loved him, but it didn't work out. " He mentioned that to me in the car yesterday and when my dad puts thing in perspective for me I usually end up in tears. My dad is so right, and no matter how hard I try Chris and I arn't supposed to be together. And maybe thats the message the world is trying to give me.

Ah, whatever. Life is okay as of now, and it will get better. It's so hard not knowing. It's hard knowing. Life is difficult sometimes. But no one said this world was going to be easy. I'm excited for my long weekend, I am going to make plans and see my friends.

XoKristen

Oh Look! Hot boy! Party! BFF!

Let me define my frusteration for you. Let me tell you that it shows up every single time I go to school. It pops up around the corner when I have drama class and I have inner battles with myself between brining up my problems, and wanting to talk about them, and not wanting to know the most recent gossip between him and her. Frusteration is getting on the bus everyday afterschool and feeling completely nauseated at the thought of what else can possibly come up? Let me define what frusteration is for me, being sick and tired of the same old situations that still manage to bring me grief.

I'm having wonderfuly delectable days lately. I enjoy Drama class, I enjoy gym class, I enjoy Science. I enjoy the friends I'm making and the memories I'm making. I enjoy it. I'm moving on. I didn't think it would start happening just a few days after I laid the law down to myself but it has. The only thing thats stopping the complete healing process is something that Lisa told me today that made me extremely vulnerable all over again. Something about saturday night and watching Saw 2 with Chris Liu and Dafoe. Something about what was going through Dafoe's mind. Something that sent me on a backwards spiral to not understanding the teenage boy mind and then now its led me to here where I am frantically trying to put the peices together. (Ha! as if I will ever suceed!)

Anyways, what she said to me is confidential. Im not going to go and tell every soul I know because it completely freaked me out and confused me. What it did let me know is that I must be doing something right. I just find myself doubting their relationship and feeling like it's a scam. Dude, don't get me started I know its not true. Well, I don't KNOW that. But I have feels that I'm just being a hoe. But although these thoughts are most likely not correct I like to make myself believe they are. Its what gets me through a day, and what gets me shrugging. (Shrugging as in not giving a shit!)

Today was a really good day. Usually I HATE day B's. But Today it was marvelous. La was the appitamy...apiitamy...Aphitamy...You know what I mean, it was the bain...vain? of my existance. I mean crucially boring as it usually is, and painstakingly blamed for the reason I almost always fall asleep in that class. Spanish class we got to escape from the classroom into the language lab which helps time fly so much. Lunch time was a different story...

First of all, there is this grade eleven boy who marched into one of our gym classes once. At the time he seemed vulgar and weird, but I dunno I have been seeing him around and I'll use the word Rebecca used for Vinal. I'm very 'intrigued' by him. He's very goodlooking, and when hes not in ridiculous gym clothes he looks very nice...hehe. The only reason he has caught my attention at all is because the other day at lunch I saw him walking by, and he kind of hangs out with a few people that don't always look so friendly but thats okay, and he stared at me. Usually when someone I don't know makes eye contact with me I am quick to break it but I didn't. It was the weirdest thing. Then I frantically looked away and he was gone. For some reason that sparked an interest in me. He has gym when I do, so tomorrow when I have Gym second block I'll make a point to try and get myself noticed.

As well, I am feeling so trapped inside my friendships. It's like I need to be on the move to handle certain things from my certain friends. Rebecca and Lisa for example, great people. But I don't necessarily consider them best friends. I mean, I'm leaning towrads Lisa more as a bestfriend than rebecca has been to me. The way they treat me is very hidden I guess, but there are rude things that they do that they don't pick up on and If I say anything at all Rebecca glares me down. For instance, for the last couple of lunch breaks the three of us have headed towards Westmount like we usually do. For the last couple of lunch breaks they have been talking about this guy Vinal that Rebecca and I met at a party a month or two ago. Since then Rebecca has gotten Lisa and they have hung out with him and his friends more often and its literally all that they talk about.

Both yesterday and today they were planning a trip to the waterpark with Vinal and some of his friends. Or vinal ANd a friend. I asked how many tickets she had and she said "Four" So I asked if I could come and she said "well we don't have enough tickets. If you want to come you can pay" And I said "So you will bring some strangers and not your bestfriend?" And she just looked at me weird and I said 'Whatever I have plans that night" and she completely pulled her Rebecca face on me. The thing that boggles my mind is that fact that whenever I try to make conversation its shut down. Both of them have been telling me its because I never talk and its sort of like "Well, your conversations don't ever necessarily involve me"

So thats that. I just left their table because I was tired of just listening because even when Rebecca does share her stories she turns her back to me and its like shes having a conversation with Lisa and I'm not even there. And I'm sick of it. I'm losing that bestfriend status with her. She's just kinda...there. Chris has been a better friend to me. And thats pretty rough considering he's my rough trying-to-be-friend ex boyfriend.

Drama class was so much fun. The first couple weeks of school I was doubting Elly because she was so up in my buisness and I barely knew her. She is so much fun though, and I realize that if I am being completely serious with her she takes what I say seriously. I told her today to keep everything I said to her about anything completely secret and she looked very serious when she said she promised. We were having a good time laughing and at one point I was nearly crying she was making me laugh so hard. She wants to hit up a party this saturday night, and I have a four day weekend so I might do just that. It's also Morgans birthday though that day so I kinda need to see her. Elly also brought up the fact that girls at Mac were telling asking her about me crying on the phone when Chris told me he was dating Sarah.

Completely and utterly ridiculous. I was so mad when she said that. Sarah actually has the nerve to laugh to other people about how I cried my eyes out the night he called me. It's retarded really. I am a good person, I don't know what kind of twisted person would get pleasure out of someone else hurting. This isn't a game for me, and there was never any kind of prize. If she thinks that it is, and that the prize is Chris she is so wrong. I am trying to distance myself from her and him and all of that because it is none of my buisness. Just like my relationship with Chris is none of hers. I was and am completely shocked that she is still carrying on about me and even Elly told me a bunch of girls at Mac know who I am. The girl who chris dumped for Sarah. And that's what they are all saying. I'm not going to bring it to the table to anyone but Elly since she is the one i heard it from. I need to learn to ride these rumors, gossip, whatever they may be out because it's not my place anymore and I don't want it to be. EVER.

Math class was interesting, my teacher Mrs. Martin went absoulutely nuts. She asked us in a question after she had just explained it if you could 'cross out the threes' it was obvious you couldn't but a few kids said "yeeaaa...nooo" And she actually turned around from the board and smacked her head hard against one of the columns in the room. A bunch of kids laughed but I was kind of thinking to myself how insane she was and Medina this girl who is in my gym and math class who sits behind me kept whispering to me that she was completely the most insane teacher she's ever had and I had to agree. Also, there is a boy in my math class who I am finding myself staring at on a regular basis. Very goodlooking boy, very smart boy. And It is helping me with the distraction part of everything. Haha, we even talked today! lol if you didnt pick up on that, it was a sarcastic peice of enthusiasm. I told him it was my biggest pet peeve when teachers kept their entire classes after school and he said "Yeah! We have things to do too!"

I feel like the biggest valley girl right now. Talking about crushes, and boys, and friends like they are the only things that exist in my world. Well...it's kind of true.

XoKristen.
;)

New song alert!

I wrote a new song last night/tonight. I can't keep my fingers off the piano. Everytime I sit down to play it its like all of these emotions coming rushing out of me. I tried to write more positively than I did on the "Your the Winner" Song. I think it worked. I tried to sing about life and its changes and how although I will always miss things I can still hold onto the memories.

I'm still working on that one. When people say "The memories will be there forever" Its hard because no doubt I still wish that I had a chance to keep making memories. I just finished listening to the song 'clumsy' by Our Lady of Peace. I've explained the story behind that song before and I got really sad. But, I'm getting over Chris. I KNOW me, and I feel bad because I am starting to feel myself turn a cold shoulder to him. And if I get over him, I'll be bored of him. I want to be friends.

Anyways my new song is called 'Imagine' sounds great yeah?

Imagine
[Verse 1]
Imagine the start of it all
When we were never meant to fall
Imagine the first moonlight kiss
the night we made those promises

Youth was on our side
All the things we swore we'd never hide

[Chorus]
Life is something special
and people will come and go
Please oh sweet memory of mine
you don't have to go[Verse 2]
Imagine things turned out different than we planned
And who we loved never had to go away in the end

Repeat [Chorus]

[Bridge]
Falling into my dreams
Hard to believe these were our memories
Watching the slow drifting snow
Where did the romance go?

Imagine the times of shit
everything we could have fixed
I guess its you who I wantbut nothing will change cause we don't share that thought

[Repeat Chorus]

Anways I am proud to say that I love this song. That I feel my confidence slowly coming back when I sing it. Because face it, I don't have alot of confidence much anymore. I've just got thrown under the rug and today I felt this harsh feeling so severe that no one would really care about me if anything ever happened to me.

All my friends are caught up in highschool you know? I feel very isolated and defensive that no one understands and hurt that no one cares to ask except for a select few. The two who are my 'best friends' are almost attatched at the hip and everyday at lunch I feel like I'm following them to Westmount mall and I just sit there like an observer of teenage girls. Lisa and Rebecca usually sit there talking about people I don't know, parties I didn't go to, Or plans I'm not invited too. And it gets really frusterating. I get lost in my own little world, and i think the overwhelming factor of how different everything has suddenly become has made me really icy towards the world.

I don't have alot of friends. My boyfriend dumped me for reasons that included me being kind of protective. He didn't use those words but thats how I feel I was. Boys don't look at me at school. Why would they? There are like over a thousand girls at that school, probably more. Most of them are incredibly pretty and then theres me. Little negative nelly. My friends that I do have just talk a mile a minute and I can't say that I have a best friend at Shep. I look forward to the weekends so I can see people that don't involve my school friends who happen to be incredibly selfish. It is what it is.

I won't let myself become sad. I am just going to stick my big nose into the air. I am so tired of trying. I say that everyday but its true. I have been trying to focus on school and it works nicely, my average is 80%, most of my marks are in the high seventies early eighties which is good for highschool in my opinion. That is, not including Math. A subject I have a horrendous amount of homework in tonight. So I better get on that and cease my negative rambling. The one thing that I can tell you is every morning I wake I tell myself its going to be a better day. And usually its true. Life is to short to hate, or to put down. I have friends. It's good enough for me.

All I ever do is ponder.

So, hmm where to begin? I feel like starting off with the fact that today is alot better than yesterday was. I mean, it could have been better but I am starting to feel like I have hit rock bottom, and the only logical way to get anywhere in this life is to get off the floor and make something of myself. I am at a point where things are having a lesser effect on me. I'm not going to try to do anything. If people want me in their life, they can have me. The ones who don't try, don't deserve me anyways.

I have been talking to Chris, although my dad tells me to stop it and that its unhealthy. I am still hurting, fuck I'm like a broken record. But I just randomly and once and for-all decided that today I am not going to think about it. And I didn't think about it. I just decided openly that relationships are always going to have their differences, and I don't believe in life there are going to be anyone that was a better or worse of a person. I just have to get over it. No one did anything wrong in reality. The only person that did wrong was me, and the way that I chose to deal with things. I'm not saying that I am all happy now. Trust me, in a couple days you might stumble across a rant blog written by me, while in an array of tears and stress. But I can tell you that everything happens for a reason. It is what it is. I don't need this, I'm a young girl. I have some stuff going for me. Although its hard to picture myself being with any other person on this entire earth but him, I know its going to happen.

The only regret I have right now is that I wish I had talked to some boys during September when everyone was making friends and I talked to no males whatsoever because "I have a boyfriend!" Whilst at that moment Chris was probably chillen with Sarah in the back corner of the cafeteria. I should have made a better choice about that one. His guilt always shines through whenever I talk about a boy, even if its like "Oh yes this random boy tripped me today" Chris' response might be "You should date him!" or "You shook hook up with him!" If thats not an obvious kick in the fact that he's moved on I don't know what is.

But I have grown accustumed to the friendly text messages. Being called 'bro', 'man' and 'dude' is just something I'll have to live with over 'bb', 'sweetie' and 'love'. Those are Sarah's name's now...haha that sucks. Everyone in my life is pushing me to get away from that place right now and I'm assuming they all know whats good for me. So that's what I'll do. Try my best to disgust myself of him, rid myself of feelings for him, and then we can be friends. That is what he wants, because he wants the guilt to be gone. Sure I feel more pittied then anything, even when he tells me I'm his 'best friend kristen. And that's the truth'. I just feel like everyone feels sorry for me, especially him.

But, fuck it you know? I haven't seen the bright side of things for so long and it's nothing he's done. I could have been positive this whole time and it wouldn't have impacted me for as long or as hard as it has. All I can say with a mischevious smile on my face is "someday he'll realize what he had", and even though readers it will never EVER happen I like to think in the back of my mind that it will. Just because I don't want to lose grasp of that confidence forever. Because, I used to have alot of it. Its gone now.

As well, today I found myself questioning my feelings for him and I got really excited because I know once feelings like that start coming around it's the beginning of the end. That is when the moving on part starts, and the attraction fades away. And I want that SO bad. I don't want to be this loser anymore! I am so sick of it. Everyone feels so bad for me. Well they shouldn't!

Also, I have started making potential friends. It excites me because I have been stuck inside this bubble with the same few people for so long (Lisa, Rebecca, Caroline, Elly, Chris) that it's almost like I haven't even opened my eyes for a few seconds to realize how beautiful human beings are and how many friends I can make at Shep. I don't want a crush right now, infact I'm finding myself looking so hard that it hurts because I want distraction so bad but I can't find anyone. No one appeals to me. I just get really happy when a girl talks to me and I picture myself being their friend. In math class today a couple of girls complimented me on my shirt and being the lonely soul that I am I got so happy and thanked them and I'm sure I was blushing.

I just need to get away from the rumors, gossip, and all the people that know about Sarah and Chris. I have alot of respect for Elly now, and I feel it growing because she hasn't mentioned a thing about them unless I bring it up. I realize I make her think that its safe to talk about it and sometimes she goes a bit too far saying things like "Well their good for each other. Their hookups were too much anyways" And I know she means well. It's funny with Elly because I feel like I've known her for so long she already knows so much about me its kind of strange. But it's cool. I want friends. What I REALLY want is Westminster, but that is a chapter of my life that has ended and I think it may be about time to let go of that.

Thats the hardest thing about highschool. Grasping onto all of those people that you barely make any friends at your new school. Its just those same people. I realized I haven't seen Brayden since the summertime, I haven't seen Keltyn since the football game before Chris dumped me, I haven't seen Morgan since a few weeks ago when Rebecca got in trouble and Morgan, Lisa and I got caught sneaking out. And after my own little isolated thoughts that have been going on inside my head for a month or two I realized that Morgan is my BEST friend. I absoulutely love her and adore her and think she is the funniest most understanding person on this entire planet and she barely ever judges me or yells at me. I realized that Jewls is so much fun and makes me feel so good about myself and If I saw her more than I do I would bask in it because she is one of my best friends. And Keltyn respects me so much and vice versa that we never ever fight and whenever I'm with her we have the funniest inside jokes and I miss her so much. I don't know if those people feel the same way but I just feel like Shep isn't all that I made it out to be. It's definately not as fast pace I thought. There definately arn't as many hot boys as I anticipated. There are parties, none that i'm really invited to because I'm a nobody. The hardest part right now for me is just the people.

I miss Zaina and Stephanie and Morgan and Jewls and Keltyn. I just miss everyone. I wish everyone would come back to me. I miss June of 08 so fucking bad it feels like I'm getting shredded to peices whenever I think of how happy I was.

I just miss things. But, part of growing up, is moving on.

"You can sit there, staring at the peices trying to put two and two together and try to figure out what you could have done differently. Or you could clean up the peices and move the fuck on"
-Tupac

On a lighter note, TRICK OR TREAT KIDDIES!

Trick or treat! Smell my feet! Give me something good to eat. Lol! I never really uploaded any photos from Halloween so I decided I might do that. This picture on the left is just Taylor whose on the left of the picture with the pink shirt, and I'm on the right with my little fail wand. Halloween at school was definately interesting. There were alot of really creative costumes, (I obviously not involved in that category) I had alot of fun in L.A class, watching Edward ScissorHands and having the amusement of Ms. Clarke in these large wings so that everytime she went through a doorway she had to turn sideways. That was definately interesting. Caroline was a 'sexy construction worker', but it mostly looked like she was just a construction worker. Rebecca was a 'sexy army chick' and it was a little more obvious since when her shorts rode up you couldn't tell she had shorts on at all. Lunch time was a massive fail, because Caroline ran away from me and ditched me so I ate my lunch in the bathroom and while I was texting a scary teacher came and asked me if I was stupid and how he was right there watching me. Spanish class was a bigger fail because I assumed that because it was Halloween we might be doing a Day of the Dead project but instead we took notes on Personal Pronouns. :/ Then the rest of the day kinda flew by, Drama class was so much fun because Mrs. Forde brought out Unise, who gets a day out of the physco ward once a year on Halloween. Math class I got taught by a cat, and after school I went home and stayed there to hand out Candy. And that, is pretty much as good as it got. It didn't feel magical, or special. But I'm fine with it. The picture of me with Jigsaw is a funny story. I was running underneath the stage during Drama class, and its this long hallway. I turned around at one point, and the grade twelve boy who was lurkin in the hallway started talking like Jigsaw and was saying "I want to play a game" And i completely freaked out and when he saw the camera on my wrist he asked me if i wanted to take a picture. So I did. LOL. Happy halloween, for one more year!

Did it all come tumbling down?

At the moment I'm very somber, and melancholy. I know on what it's account of, I'm just tired and sad. Sometimes I just feel really left alone, like people don't want me in their lives. Right now I can honestly and openly say that I don't know what closure means. I am constantly feeling cheated out of my emotions. In the morning, or the middle of the night, the thoughts creep up to me. The reality of my situation seems so much more real and the summertime haunts me. When I wake up, It's as if I woke up in the middle of August and he's my boyfriend, and the reality of him not being with me seems so rough and hard to grasp. I wake up in the morning, and the farther I go into my day, the more I try to rationalize my thoughts and the more believable they become. By the end of the day, I feel like I have dealt with everything that soon I will be able to live my life again.

The thing about this whole past month, was that during the end of October I wouldn't feel desperation in the morning anymore. Occasionally I would feel sad, but it wouldn't come as often as it did the first couple of weeks after everything. I just remember feeling so ultimately crushed. I would go to school everyday, and I remember that whole week I never wore makeup, straightened my hair. I would just wobble to L.A, plop down in my desk and cry with my head on my desk for the entire class. By the time second block rolled around, my eyes were swollen and then by the end of the day everything was fun. But when night came again and it was time to sleep, everything came back. Over the weeks, it went away. And I started feeling for other things, my heart was coming out of things with Chris. Which they should do, he isn't really worth it.

Anyways, the hopelessness is back. And I am hateful towards it because I absoulutely loathe feeling so sorry for myself. I hate crying and feeling so pathetic wrapped up in my blankets. I hate the exhausting feeling of the difference between happy and sad and feeling like I'm doing the right thing, but also doing the wrong thing. I feel like this has gone on too long. It's just me now. I am the only one left with these feelings and when I sit alone I put myself into his mind and I picture how I must come off. Texting him and whining about how he doesn't care about me. And then maybe right after that text he'll get one from Sarah and how much she loves him.

I honestly don't know a thing about their relationship. I'm curious as to if its really something special or if its something that's just based on looks. I am having this battle between what I think I want to know, and the things I actually do. Moving away would solve my problems, I wouldn't hear what was happening with either of them and I could just get away. I thought that it was at its worst. That it couldn't possibly get any more painful or any harder. But it could. And now that they are 'official' I am fucking terrified that they'll do 'something' and I will hear about it from Elly, and my little pathetic heart will be crushed into a trillion peices.

I am fully aware that this summer was something special to me. I am fully aware that it was like this breakthrough thing. A lesson about relationships. And I KNOW that without it, neither him nor I would be where we are. He definately would not have hooked up with Sarah, that wasn't him before me and him went out. That sounds bad, but its the truth. But you know I told my mom last night from beneath the curtain of tears I said "You know, It is what it is" And really, what else could I possibly do?

Every single time I talk to him about things I feel accomplished but like an annoyance at the same time. I feel like I'm putting things in perspective, but wrecking things. I am so angry that this has fucked up my grade ten year. I think of things according to time frames, grades, music. Everytime I think of grade 8 I think of Carson and how much that sucked. I think of grade seven I think of Joey, when I tihnk of grade nine I think of Chris. I know I will recall grade ten being the shittiest of shit.

And It's nothing anyone but me has done. It's easy to blame it on him. It's easy to say he's a jerk, he's the bad guy, he ruined everything. But he didn't want to be with me. And thats what it comes down to. He wasn't happy, and at the time I really loved him, I should have wanted him to be happy right? Well he's happy with Sarah and not with me. That will always haunt me, believe me. That will always feel like a dagger to the heart, stuff like that never heals. Even when the feelings arn't there anymore. I just feel like I lost a war. The boy was over me several weeks ago. I hung on because I thought the way he treated me meant that I was a special person to him. It was just pity. I thought that all our talks about her would somehow change what happened between them. And it didn't.

I want to believe all the things he says to me about caring about me, about feeling terrible about hurting me. He even said "I never meant to hurt you" and no one ever intends that. I just wish that some of the things he said, never were. It would make it alot easier. Sometimes I think what might have happened if I was never with him. I loved summer, but seeing that person I knew just disappear, and watching him and everything he once said just take a complete u-turn, making him this stranger, someone who doesn't say he loves me but rather he cares and he's sorry, just doesn't make any sense to me.

I don't think it ever will. But I had a conversation with him on the phone last night as hard as I tried it lasted about 5 minutes. But I learned alot about his feelings through texts and from his point of view. It makes sense. I just wish that he could have been that one person that understood where I was coming from. I think I've always tried my best to have empathy for him. I don't think he really ever understood me. Now I know where he stands, I'm going to do what he told me and forget every feeling I ever had for him. I will push myself to hate things about him, and turn little quirks he has into things that bug me. And then slowly I will be his best friend. It's easy for him to do. It's easy to say one thing, it's easy to tell someone to get over it. It's so much harder when it's in your hands.

Shit, I am still in shock at how the tables are turned. He really did pick her over me. My only issue now is that everyone says the remedy for getting over someone is finding someone else, and I can't even picture anyone else. It pisses me off, trying to imagine being in love with someone I don't even look at boys anymore. At school I just tune them out, I could care less. Its that annoying voice "no one will ever be as good"

Fuck. I'm lucky for summer. He's a great person. I hope I hear shit all about him and Sarah. I hope he finds the girl of his dreams, someone he once told me I was. I hope that I can get out there. I don't want to be alone. I'm so done. I am going to embrace friendship. I just like being the special one, the center of attention. And it's hard, I text him and he ignores them. Thats what happens when your just a friend.

And now I'm crying. So I tihnk I'll disappear. Later.
Kristen-May
Kristen May