All I ever do is ponder.

So, hmm where to begin? I feel like starting off with the fact that today is alot better than yesterday was. I mean, it could have been better but I am starting to feel like I have hit rock bottom, and the only logical way to get anywhere in this life is to get off the floor and make something of myself. I am at a point where things are having a lesser effect on me. I'm not going to try to do anything. If people want me in their life, they can have me. The ones who don't try, don't deserve me anyways.

I have been talking to Chris, although my dad tells me to stop it and that its unhealthy. I am still hurting, fuck I'm like a broken record. But I just randomly and once and for-all decided that today I am not going to think about it. And I didn't think about it. I just decided openly that relationships are always going to have their differences, and I don't believe in life there are going to be anyone that was a better or worse of a person. I just have to get over it. No one did anything wrong in reality. The only person that did wrong was me, and the way that I chose to deal with things. I'm not saying that I am all happy now. Trust me, in a couple days you might stumble across a rant blog written by me, while in an array of tears and stress. But I can tell you that everything happens for a reason. It is what it is. I don't need this, I'm a young girl. I have some stuff going for me. Although its hard to picture myself being with any other person on this entire earth but him, I know its going to happen.

The only regret I have right now is that I wish I had talked to some boys during September when everyone was making friends and I talked to no males whatsoever because "I have a boyfriend!" Whilst at that moment Chris was probably chillen with Sarah in the back corner of the cafeteria. I should have made a better choice about that one. His guilt always shines through whenever I talk about a boy, even if its like "Oh yes this random boy tripped me today" Chris' response might be "You should date him!" or "You shook hook up with him!" If thats not an obvious kick in the fact that he's moved on I don't know what is.

But I have grown accustumed to the friendly text messages. Being called 'bro', 'man' and 'dude' is just something I'll have to live with over 'bb', 'sweetie' and 'love'. Those are Sarah's name's now...haha that sucks. Everyone in my life is pushing me to get away from that place right now and I'm assuming they all know whats good for me. So that's what I'll do. Try my best to disgust myself of him, rid myself of feelings for him, and then we can be friends. That is what he wants, because he wants the guilt to be gone. Sure I feel more pittied then anything, even when he tells me I'm his 'best friend kristen. And that's the truth'. I just feel like everyone feels sorry for me, especially him.

But, fuck it you know? I haven't seen the bright side of things for so long and it's nothing he's done. I could have been positive this whole time and it wouldn't have impacted me for as long or as hard as it has. All I can say with a mischevious smile on my face is "someday he'll realize what he had", and even though readers it will never EVER happen I like to think in the back of my mind that it will. Just because I don't want to lose grasp of that confidence forever. Because, I used to have alot of it. Its gone now.

As well, today I found myself questioning my feelings for him and I got really excited because I know once feelings like that start coming around it's the beginning of the end. That is when the moving on part starts, and the attraction fades away. And I want that SO bad. I don't want to be this loser anymore! I am so sick of it. Everyone feels so bad for me. Well they shouldn't!

Also, I have started making potential friends. It excites me because I have been stuck inside this bubble with the same few people for so long (Lisa, Rebecca, Caroline, Elly, Chris) that it's almost like I haven't even opened my eyes for a few seconds to realize how beautiful human beings are and how many friends I can make at Shep. I don't want a crush right now, infact I'm finding myself looking so hard that it hurts because I want distraction so bad but I can't find anyone. No one appeals to me. I just get really happy when a girl talks to me and I picture myself being their friend. In math class today a couple of girls complimented me on my shirt and being the lonely soul that I am I got so happy and thanked them and I'm sure I was blushing.

I just need to get away from the rumors, gossip, and all the people that know about Sarah and Chris. I have alot of respect for Elly now, and I feel it growing because she hasn't mentioned a thing about them unless I bring it up. I realize I make her think that its safe to talk about it and sometimes she goes a bit too far saying things like "Well their good for each other. Their hookups were too much anyways" And I know she means well. It's funny with Elly because I feel like I've known her for so long she already knows so much about me its kind of strange. But it's cool. I want friends. What I REALLY want is Westminster, but that is a chapter of my life that has ended and I think it may be about time to let go of that.

Thats the hardest thing about highschool. Grasping onto all of those people that you barely make any friends at your new school. Its just those same people. I realized I haven't seen Brayden since the summertime, I haven't seen Keltyn since the football game before Chris dumped me, I haven't seen Morgan since a few weeks ago when Rebecca got in trouble and Morgan, Lisa and I got caught sneaking out. And after my own little isolated thoughts that have been going on inside my head for a month or two I realized that Morgan is my BEST friend. I absoulutely love her and adore her and think she is the funniest most understanding person on this entire planet and she barely ever judges me or yells at me. I realized that Jewls is so much fun and makes me feel so good about myself and If I saw her more than I do I would bask in it because she is one of my best friends. And Keltyn respects me so much and vice versa that we never ever fight and whenever I'm with her we have the funniest inside jokes and I miss her so much. I don't know if those people feel the same way but I just feel like Shep isn't all that I made it out to be. It's definately not as fast pace I thought. There definately arn't as many hot boys as I anticipated. There are parties, none that i'm really invited to because I'm a nobody. The hardest part right now for me is just the people.

I miss Zaina and Stephanie and Morgan and Jewls and Keltyn. I just miss everyone. I wish everyone would come back to me. I miss June of 08 so fucking bad it feels like I'm getting shredded to peices whenever I think of how happy I was.

I just miss things. But, part of growing up, is moving on.

"You can sit there, staring at the peices trying to put two and two together and try to figure out what you could have done differently. Or you could clean up the peices and move the fuck on"
-Tupac