Did it all come tumbling down?

At the moment I'm very somber, and melancholy. I know on what it's account of, I'm just tired and sad. Sometimes I just feel really left alone, like people don't want me in their lives. Right now I can honestly and openly say that I don't know what closure means. I am constantly feeling cheated out of my emotions. In the morning, or the middle of the night, the thoughts creep up to me. The reality of my situation seems so much more real and the summertime haunts me. When I wake up, It's as if I woke up in the middle of August and he's my boyfriend, and the reality of him not being with me seems so rough and hard to grasp. I wake up in the morning, and the farther I go into my day, the more I try to rationalize my thoughts and the more believable they become. By the end of the day, I feel like I have dealt with everything that soon I will be able to live my life again.

The thing about this whole past month, was that during the end of October I wouldn't feel desperation in the morning anymore. Occasionally I would feel sad, but it wouldn't come as often as it did the first couple of weeks after everything. I just remember feeling so ultimately crushed. I would go to school everyday, and I remember that whole week I never wore makeup, straightened my hair. I would just wobble to L.A, plop down in my desk and cry with my head on my desk for the entire class. By the time second block rolled around, my eyes were swollen and then by the end of the day everything was fun. But when night came again and it was time to sleep, everything came back. Over the weeks, it went away. And I started feeling for other things, my heart was coming out of things with Chris. Which they should do, he isn't really worth it.

Anyways, the hopelessness is back. And I am hateful towards it because I absoulutely loathe feeling so sorry for myself. I hate crying and feeling so pathetic wrapped up in my blankets. I hate the exhausting feeling of the difference between happy and sad and feeling like I'm doing the right thing, but also doing the wrong thing. I feel like this has gone on too long. It's just me now. I am the only one left with these feelings and when I sit alone I put myself into his mind and I picture how I must come off. Texting him and whining about how he doesn't care about me. And then maybe right after that text he'll get one from Sarah and how much she loves him.

I honestly don't know a thing about their relationship. I'm curious as to if its really something special or if its something that's just based on looks. I am having this battle between what I think I want to know, and the things I actually do. Moving away would solve my problems, I wouldn't hear what was happening with either of them and I could just get away. I thought that it was at its worst. That it couldn't possibly get any more painful or any harder. But it could. And now that they are 'official' I am fucking terrified that they'll do 'something' and I will hear about it from Elly, and my little pathetic heart will be crushed into a trillion peices.

I am fully aware that this summer was something special to me. I am fully aware that it was like this breakthrough thing. A lesson about relationships. And I KNOW that without it, neither him nor I would be where we are. He definately would not have hooked up with Sarah, that wasn't him before me and him went out. That sounds bad, but its the truth. But you know I told my mom last night from beneath the curtain of tears I said "You know, It is what it is" And really, what else could I possibly do?

Every single time I talk to him about things I feel accomplished but like an annoyance at the same time. I feel like I'm putting things in perspective, but wrecking things. I am so angry that this has fucked up my grade ten year. I think of things according to time frames, grades, music. Everytime I think of grade 8 I think of Carson and how much that sucked. I think of grade seven I think of Joey, when I tihnk of grade nine I think of Chris. I know I will recall grade ten being the shittiest of shit.

And It's nothing anyone but me has done. It's easy to blame it on him. It's easy to say he's a jerk, he's the bad guy, he ruined everything. But he didn't want to be with me. And thats what it comes down to. He wasn't happy, and at the time I really loved him, I should have wanted him to be happy right? Well he's happy with Sarah and not with me. That will always haunt me, believe me. That will always feel like a dagger to the heart, stuff like that never heals. Even when the feelings arn't there anymore. I just feel like I lost a war. The boy was over me several weeks ago. I hung on because I thought the way he treated me meant that I was a special person to him. It was just pity. I thought that all our talks about her would somehow change what happened between them. And it didn't.

I want to believe all the things he says to me about caring about me, about feeling terrible about hurting me. He even said "I never meant to hurt you" and no one ever intends that. I just wish that some of the things he said, never were. It would make it alot easier. Sometimes I think what might have happened if I was never with him. I loved summer, but seeing that person I knew just disappear, and watching him and everything he once said just take a complete u-turn, making him this stranger, someone who doesn't say he loves me but rather he cares and he's sorry, just doesn't make any sense to me.

I don't think it ever will. But I had a conversation with him on the phone last night as hard as I tried it lasted about 5 minutes. But I learned alot about his feelings through texts and from his point of view. It makes sense. I just wish that he could have been that one person that understood where I was coming from. I think I've always tried my best to have empathy for him. I don't think he really ever understood me. Now I know where he stands, I'm going to do what he told me and forget every feeling I ever had for him. I will push myself to hate things about him, and turn little quirks he has into things that bug me. And then slowly I will be his best friend. It's easy for him to do. It's easy to say one thing, it's easy to tell someone to get over it. It's so much harder when it's in your hands.

Shit, I am still in shock at how the tables are turned. He really did pick her over me. My only issue now is that everyone says the remedy for getting over someone is finding someone else, and I can't even picture anyone else. It pisses me off, trying to imagine being in love with someone I don't even look at boys anymore. At school I just tune them out, I could care less. Its that annoying voice "no one will ever be as good"

Fuck. I'm lucky for summer. He's a great person. I hope I hear shit all about him and Sarah. I hope he finds the girl of his dreams, someone he once told me I was. I hope that I can get out there. I don't want to be alone. I'm so done. I am going to embrace friendship. I just like being the special one, the center of attention. And it's hard, I text him and he ignores them. Thats what happens when your just a friend.

And now I'm crying. So I tihnk I'll disappear. Later.
Kristen-May
Kristen May