Oh Look! Hot boy! Party! BFF!

Let me define my frusteration for you. Let me tell you that it shows up every single time I go to school. It pops up around the corner when I have drama class and I have inner battles with myself between brining up my problems, and wanting to talk about them, and not wanting to know the most recent gossip between him and her. Frusteration is getting on the bus everyday afterschool and feeling completely nauseated at the thought of what else can possibly come up? Let me define what frusteration is for me, being sick and tired of the same old situations that still manage to bring me grief.

I'm having wonderfuly delectable days lately. I enjoy Drama class, I enjoy gym class, I enjoy Science. I enjoy the friends I'm making and the memories I'm making. I enjoy it. I'm moving on. I didn't think it would start happening just a few days after I laid the law down to myself but it has. The only thing thats stopping the complete healing process is something that Lisa told me today that made me extremely vulnerable all over again. Something about saturday night and watching Saw 2 with Chris Liu and Dafoe. Something about what was going through Dafoe's mind. Something that sent me on a backwards spiral to not understanding the teenage boy mind and then now its led me to here where I am frantically trying to put the peices together. (Ha! as if I will ever suceed!)

Anyways, what she said to me is confidential. Im not going to go and tell every soul I know because it completely freaked me out and confused me. What it did let me know is that I must be doing something right. I just find myself doubting their relationship and feeling like it's a scam. Dude, don't get me started I know its not true. Well, I don't KNOW that. But I have feels that I'm just being a hoe. But although these thoughts are most likely not correct I like to make myself believe they are. Its what gets me through a day, and what gets me shrugging. (Shrugging as in not giving a shit!)

Today was a really good day. Usually I HATE day B's. But Today it was marvelous. La was the appitamy...apiitamy...Aphitamy...You know what I mean, it was the bain...vain? of my existance. I mean crucially boring as it usually is, and painstakingly blamed for the reason I almost always fall asleep in that class. Spanish class we got to escape from the classroom into the language lab which helps time fly so much. Lunch time was a different story...

First of all, there is this grade eleven boy who marched into one of our gym classes once. At the time he seemed vulgar and weird, but I dunno I have been seeing him around and I'll use the word Rebecca used for Vinal. I'm very 'intrigued' by him. He's very goodlooking, and when hes not in ridiculous gym clothes he looks very nice...hehe. The only reason he has caught my attention at all is because the other day at lunch I saw him walking by, and he kind of hangs out with a few people that don't always look so friendly but thats okay, and he stared at me. Usually when someone I don't know makes eye contact with me I am quick to break it but I didn't. It was the weirdest thing. Then I frantically looked away and he was gone. For some reason that sparked an interest in me. He has gym when I do, so tomorrow when I have Gym second block I'll make a point to try and get myself noticed.

As well, I am feeling so trapped inside my friendships. It's like I need to be on the move to handle certain things from my certain friends. Rebecca and Lisa for example, great people. But I don't necessarily consider them best friends. I mean, I'm leaning towrads Lisa more as a bestfriend than rebecca has been to me. The way they treat me is very hidden I guess, but there are rude things that they do that they don't pick up on and If I say anything at all Rebecca glares me down. For instance, for the last couple of lunch breaks the three of us have headed towards Westmount like we usually do. For the last couple of lunch breaks they have been talking about this guy Vinal that Rebecca and I met at a party a month or two ago. Since then Rebecca has gotten Lisa and they have hung out with him and his friends more often and its literally all that they talk about.

Both yesterday and today they were planning a trip to the waterpark with Vinal and some of his friends. Or vinal ANd a friend. I asked how many tickets she had and she said "Four" So I asked if I could come and she said "well we don't have enough tickets. If you want to come you can pay" And I said "So you will bring some strangers and not your bestfriend?" And she just looked at me weird and I said 'Whatever I have plans that night" and she completely pulled her Rebecca face on me. The thing that boggles my mind is that fact that whenever I try to make conversation its shut down. Both of them have been telling me its because I never talk and its sort of like "Well, your conversations don't ever necessarily involve me"

So thats that. I just left their table because I was tired of just listening because even when Rebecca does share her stories she turns her back to me and its like shes having a conversation with Lisa and I'm not even there. And I'm sick of it. I'm losing that bestfriend status with her. She's just kinda...there. Chris has been a better friend to me. And thats pretty rough considering he's my rough trying-to-be-friend ex boyfriend.

Drama class was so much fun. The first couple weeks of school I was doubting Elly because she was so up in my buisness and I barely knew her. She is so much fun though, and I realize that if I am being completely serious with her she takes what I say seriously. I told her today to keep everything I said to her about anything completely secret and she looked very serious when she said she promised. We were having a good time laughing and at one point I was nearly crying she was making me laugh so hard. She wants to hit up a party this saturday night, and I have a four day weekend so I might do just that. It's also Morgans birthday though that day so I kinda need to see her. Elly also brought up the fact that girls at Mac were telling asking her about me crying on the phone when Chris told me he was dating Sarah.

Completely and utterly ridiculous. I was so mad when she said that. Sarah actually has the nerve to laugh to other people about how I cried my eyes out the night he called me. It's retarded really. I am a good person, I don't know what kind of twisted person would get pleasure out of someone else hurting. This isn't a game for me, and there was never any kind of prize. If she thinks that it is, and that the prize is Chris she is so wrong. I am trying to distance myself from her and him and all of that because it is none of my buisness. Just like my relationship with Chris is none of hers. I was and am completely shocked that she is still carrying on about me and even Elly told me a bunch of girls at Mac know who I am. The girl who chris dumped for Sarah. And that's what they are all saying. I'm not going to bring it to the table to anyone but Elly since she is the one i heard it from. I need to learn to ride these rumors, gossip, whatever they may be out because it's not my place anymore and I don't want it to be. EVER.

Math class was interesting, my teacher Mrs. Martin went absoulutely nuts. She asked us in a question after she had just explained it if you could 'cross out the threes' it was obvious you couldn't but a few kids said "yeeaaa...nooo" And she actually turned around from the board and smacked her head hard against one of the columns in the room. A bunch of kids laughed but I was kind of thinking to myself how insane she was and Medina this girl who is in my gym and math class who sits behind me kept whispering to me that she was completely the most insane teacher she's ever had and I had to agree. Also, there is a boy in my math class who I am finding myself staring at on a regular basis. Very goodlooking boy, very smart boy. And It is helping me with the distraction part of everything. Haha, we even talked today! lol if you didnt pick up on that, it was a sarcastic peice of enthusiasm. I told him it was my biggest pet peeve when teachers kept their entire classes after school and he said "Yeah! We have things to do too!"

I feel like the biggest valley girl right now. Talking about crushes, and boys, and friends like they are the only things that exist in my world. Well...it's kind of true.

XoKristen.
;)