Surrendering that White Flag

Haha It doesn't surprise me that what my dad says, has turned out to be right. He always tells me "Kristen, your just torturing yourself everytime you see him" I mean, it's true. Every single time I 'hangout' with that boy, I feel this huge sense of loss. I don't feel necessarily sad, I don't want what we had back anymore. I just feel like I have missed out. I missed my chance to shine, although I did get it. What can you do? Not a day passes that I don't think about something from the summertime. Not a day passes that I over anylize all the events of the last few months and blame myself for every single thing.


What can I do now? Absoulutely nothing. And I don't care anymore. I went to Elly's house last night and had so much fun and came home extremely happy I found a friend to confide in. She is amazing to talk to, and she agrees with what I say. It's nice to have someone that wants to talk. I haven't had that in awhile other than Lisa and Morgan really. I miss having a good friend and I'm glad I'm making some. We talked about Chris of course, I just want to get it across to everyone that before all the drama of this year me and Chris were best friends and we had a fun time. I think alot of people forget that, and that hurts.

I don't know how long him and Sarah will last. I don't want them to, but on the other side of the coin I want him to be happy. I can't help what i've done, because all i've done is what I thought was right. All I've done was try, and I failed. I just give up. I told Morgan today, in regards to her and myself. You can only try for so long, and hurt yourself for so long. Sometimes there comes a time to admit defeat.

I admit defeat. I'm hanging up my sash. I'm letting Chris go and letting him get on with Sarah. I will never forget anything, I'm weird that way. But I am holding back my own opportunites because I think that someone that doesn't even care will SOMEDAY come running back to me. It's a joke. And life is a joke. I don't want a relationship, I want freedom from the way that I feel.

Everyone is telling me the same thing. Why him? You know? This is just my dramatic teen attatchment speaking. Thats what I tell myself. I miss the crew of the summer so intensely, the crew is so split up and gone. Tim has a new girlfriend thats not Caroline, Chris has a new girlfriend thats not me. That's the reality. Friends? That will hurt the shit out of me, eventually he'll think i'm over him, he'll start telling me about the girls he likes. And I'll sit there and take it. Elly told me that you can't go back. My dad told me that It failed for a reason. Lisa told me I need to have self respect. obviously these people know whats right for me.

So bye, Chris. Cut the cord. Ironic the song i'm listening to right now has those lyrics in them. But its true, wanting someone doesn't always get you them. Unless your Sarah Pringle. I am convinced she must be the most beautiful human being to capture all my guy friends' hearts. So I shouldn't doubt her, if they find something in her. I give up. I once said that this isn't a game, and she thinks it is and Chris is the prize. But so be it. If it were, she has won. She got everything she wanted. An amazing individual. Whatever.

I can only cry for so long. And I'm done now. Eventually I have a feeling I'm going to probably tell Chris we can't be friends and move on with life. The only reason I'm attempting a friendship is because I don't want to let go. But I have to. He's hurting me more than he knows by just existing. So I'm on my knees, and I am giving the fuck up. It's done.

Tomorrow I am going to venture over to Morgie's school and find her and go to her place, the home where her mother hates me. I'm going to hang out with her in the evening and fake a smile because I know Chris has plans with her on monday since he cancelled the plans with me and Chris Liu. Then Tuesday come I'm going to go over to Chris Dafoe's house with Chris Liu, smile my way out of everything because everything has to be okay. And I'm not going to let anyone know that I feel like I've reached a dead end in my life.

XoKristen

I have nothing else to say.