Take a Gander at my positive attitude!

This is my secret issue with not writing a blog in a couple of days. The secret is, that several times throughout the days I feel like expressing something and later when I get to the actual blog itself, the thought is absoulutely gone. As is my problem right now.

I do remember, that I have had a great past two couple of days. Yesterday I had a great morning. It started out great because I made tea and carried my little mug to the bus stop with me and had warm orange peaco goodness up until first block. Language arts class wasn't fun, but gym class was amazing it was an intense game of chaos ball. I had a great lunch with Elly, Michelle and Katie. It was great because it was people that I was new to experiences with and I loved the feeling of making new friends. I felt bad, walking by the cafe and seeing Lisa and Rebecca sitting alone, but whatever, right?

Drama class was alot of fun, and it usually is when I;m with Elly. Science class, not so great, but I had a good laugh when Anne, Tamam and Elly were in the far courtyard taking pictures of me in science class. The day, I forget sort of as a whole. Just because it was yesterday and I remember today more strongly. I went to Mac's with Chris though yesterday and we stayed there for awhile. I don't know what it is, but when I see him now our conversations sometimes either grow incredibly hollow, or just weird. Never awkward, just weird.

The things we talk about, should be banned. We got on the stupid topic of me being a man somehow and he joked saying "That's why I dumped you". It's weird because I laughed. It's weirder that it didn't feel wrong at the time that, that's what he had chosen to say. And when we took the 117 bus home and we talked a little more and then he got off the bus, imitating me once when I slammed the side of the bus with the palm of my hand laughing as I skipped away, and I just laughed. After that little visit with him I was more determined than ever to keep him close as a friend and keep the feelings farther away. I am feeling him slipping away. I am feeling my interests grow tired and sore, I still think hes an amazing person and it is definately getting easier to be friends. But when I see him, it doesn't cause me pain, just alot of stress. Thoughts come into my mind that I hadn't really thought of in awhile, and just when I think friendship is impossible I see him and we have a great time and I really do genuinely make him laugh, and then he's gone. Then just like that, I feel all warm and fuzzy because Hey! We just had several normal conversations and it felt right. But later I get home, later I crawl into bed and I think of Sarah. And I think of the summertime and how much I gave up for him and how much I loved him. Then I get very angry. Then I feel a deep sense of loathing for the two of them. And then I wake up the next morning, very sad with the tears ready to fall.

It's very unpredictable and hard for me. It is getting easier though and I am so happy for that. I thought the depression would grab hold of me and change my view of things but it hasn't quite like I expected yet. I am still finding myself trying to find the pro's underneath all the hurt that he's caused me. I guess the best way to describe it is that sometimes I am terrified to go to school. I feel this deep pit in my stomach everytime I approach those stupid front doors because I'm scared of another thing falling carelessly out of someones mouth. Then, if something happens I hear it, I get down. Usually I would go to him, hear his side of the story and hear how genuine he is about his apology, and how bad he feels and my mood is lightened again because he is a friend. He cares. He's Sorry. But a few days go by, we don't talk, and slowly the words and the peoples faces slowly start eating at me all over again and the words he said to build up my confidence and my forgiveness get sliced down again and I'm back where I started.

Him and Sarah absoulutely terrify the shit out of me. I was thinking today as I was sitting on the bus, that out of all of this I want to come out of it when him and Sarah eventually end saying "Yeah I had this over her" if they end up falling in love, and being head over heels in passion, I won't have anything special over her anymore. I can't say "oh yeah? well Chris used to kiss the tip of my nose" I'm scared of what we had losing it's meaning. For me, it's impossible for that meaning to go at the moment because I have no one else to run to with open arms. I have no sexy boy that I'm attracted to thats willing and able to be my next boyfriend candidate. I am just Kristen, and there isn't a boy in sight, and there literally hasn't been anyone that has caught my interest at all. So, I Kristen Huggett am just holding onto that little morsal of what we had and unnervingly when I go to school I'm scared I will hear about them doing something and it will devalue what we had.

Call me crazy. But, like I always say in defense for myself. It's alot easier to move on when you have a distraction. He's lucky. That distraction was already on his doorstep the day I was out of the picture. And I'm still here, searching so hard because really, how pathetic is it that I am so caught up STILL?! It has to stop and I know it. I was like Chris' first real relationship. And how long does a human live on average? 75 years? So what am I hoping? That I will remain special for the rest of his life? I doubt it highly. I doubt he will even remember me in that time.

As long as I live I want to remain true to the prospect of never forgetting your first love. I had an amazing summer. Maybe that's all it was. A Summer fling. But I am spending my nights awake pondering every corner of this issue and I don't see any more possible ways to break it down. I've thought of every possible thing I possibly could.

Tonight, I learned a lesson in real friends. I feel as if I'm becoming very picky towards 'friends'. I don't feel like Chris will be a good friend, and even Keltyn was acting weird today when I saw her. I had a little date with Carson and Keltyn and at first we went to steeps and had some tea and conversation, and then walked a good ten blocks despite my efforts to take a bus to Red Robins thats slightly on the edge of downtown Edmonton. I was so happy to see Keltyn, I screamed when she got to my house. She is getting so mature and trendy and she is the cutest person I have ever seen and still the most creative. I can not, with any bone in my body, ever manage to be mad at Keltyn. She is probably the sweetest girl I know. Carson is one of the wittiest, sarcastic, most charasmatic people I have ever met. And I have missed both of them since Highschool started. Westminster was a huge chapter of my life for me, and although it wasn't for the two of them because they both admitted they didn't miss it at all, I still felt like it had been ages since I'd seen them.

Keltyn talked about Vic. She talked about the cool painted hallways that they were ripping down, one hallway called the Alley. She talked about the hot boys in her classes, and how she was certain a couple of them were gay. She was talking about how her math teacher turned the song "We Will Rock You" Into "We Will Graph You" to help the kids in her math class remember the song. Carson talked about his divorced parents, how his dad and him didn't get along. He talked about his crazy older brother and his insane stories. We sat down in Red Robin and just talked and talked and interuppted each other and talked. I felt like I was on a cloud I was having such a good time. My stomach still actually HURTS from laughing. Those are two people I will always remember, even when I do get to 75 years of age.

Like I said, seeing them, seeing Morgan last weekend and hanging out with Elly, just really makes me question people. Cheer last night was alot of fun, and I think alot of my negative feelings towards Caroline and Rebecca were just because I was just in such a bad state of mind, for...well since school has started basically. Everything with Chris has messed me up, and sometimes I lie awake thinking that he has really changed me. He made me become this person I didn't know for a good three weeks, where I smoked so often and didn't take a second thought to what the hell I was doing. I treated alot of my friends badly because I thought I didn't need them, and wouldn't beneift from them in my life. I know I'm wrong now. Cheer was so much fun for me, and I felt involved with Lisa and Rebecca for the first time in what seems like weeks. They haven't laughed at anything I'd said in so long, I almost forgot what it was like to have them as good genuine friends.

I got a text from Chris as well, he didn't win his volleyball finals, I am amazed that they are over so soon. But I guess its been a good two and a half months. Course I replied and all I got back was some dead air. Tomorrow evening Elly wants to hit up a party, and is very sure that if we don't find one we will hang out at her house. I think I may have messed up her view of what my moms house is like. I think she might actually be scared to come over since I told her that my mom smokes illegal substances.

Whatever the case, I'm seeing her tomorrow. I have cheer on sunday and I am looking forward to that, but I'm not. Three hour practices kill me.

But as I sit here now, my eyes are faltering so I am going to hit the hay as they say. Lol. 0.o

XoKristen