Tears streaming, down your face and I will miss you.

Ha, what the fuck? I'm at the end of my rope you guys. I mean it this time. I am on my knees, I have hit rock bottom. I don't know what to do. Drama isn't my forte, neither is crying. I haven't stopped crying since last night. My eyes are so red and they hurt and they're swollen. I'm exhausted. I'm wasting my fucking time.

How many times have I written a blog like this? How many times have I felt like dying? How many times have I thought that I was over this whole Chris thing once and for all? Well I'm fucking not. I am convinced I am going to be like until highschool is over and I'll never fucking find a solution to any of this. I fucking hate myself.

Last night I just decided that I have two options. The first, to act like Chris and I are friends and slowly let it kill me and torture myself as he goes through all this bliss with Sarah, or ignore him and leave him be forever and move the fuck on. Neither of these are appealing to me at all and I don't know what to do. I tried texting him telling him how I felt, I tried. He just told me he had to sleep and he'd talk to me later. He still thinks I want a boyfriend girlfriend relationship out of this.

Why the fuck would I want to be with someone so self fucking absorbed and self centered? His ego could barely fit inside my house, much less in a relationship. If I can make one thing absoulutely clear is that I would not now jump at the chance to get back together with him. He's done too much wrong, he doesn't understand and I don't know what to do. I feel like my life is over. I spent last night crying on my moms lap and throwing things and crying myself into a sleepless night.

There is no where else to go. No where else to fall. If he really thought we were friends, if we really were, I would tell him that my friends make me feel better and don't cause me to feel like committing fucking suicide. What do I do? Really, where do I go from here?

Letting him go is going to tear me apart even more than staying near him. My friends are probably sick of me talking about this. THIS WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO TURN INTO THIS! THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF PERSON THAT I FUCKING AM. This isn't me. I can't make up my mind, I don't know what to do. And I bought his fucking Christmas gift already, because I feel like its my fault and I need to fix it.

This needs to be over. Like it NEEDS to end. I am fed up. I am over fed up. I am pissed off I am completely done. Whatever I choose to do from here has to be the right choice. I can't do this anymore. I can't live like Im alright, I keep trying the bottling up method but then I find myself exploding and spending twenty four hours straight crying.

What am I going to do. What am I going to do?!