Things ALWAYS change.

I don't know when I became so worthless. I don't know when people who once really loved me decided to hurt me. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't understand. I don't understand why life is putting me through all of these unfair tests and still not giving me any answers. It's unfair. I am no longer scared of anyone getting mad at me for what I post. I could care less to be honest.

Earlier today, I was feeling so great. I was feeling like I could overcome anything, and I prayed that nothing would stop my thunder. But it did, just like it always does. And maybe that's the problem with my attitude. I was feeling so good about where I stood with Chris, well aware that I had just accepted the few things he had told me and that if I didnt hear anymore it wouldn't matter. But I did hear more, and it's probably not going to be the end of it. You know what? Fuck him. Fuck my efforts and everything I feel like I've been trying to do just so that I could have him as a friend. I feel so stupid, for that everytime something happens I take everything so literally and to the heart and overanylize everything just to make myself either overwhelmingly happy or desperately sad.

I'm glad that last night I didn't know that Chris and Sarah were dating. I am so, fucking glad. It would have ruined my night. Just like it ruined mine tonight. I thought Chris had asked to call me later tonight because he just wanted to talk. Because he just wanted a good friend, and I was on the top of his list. He actually called so he could announce that him and sarah were officially dating. And it was like my mood went from near the 100 mark, to back down to 10 where I was a month ago. Does this mean it's going to take me a month to get over this? I feel so fucking cheated.

Not only did I cry on the phone, I was also expecting some good news from him which he rarely gives me. It's been a fucking month. I can tell you that the day he broke up with me, he was already contemplating his next move with Sarah. The thing that hurts so bad right now is everything we've gone through and how much I saw him grow as a person because now hes going to grow with her and take chances with her and say everything he once said to me to her. And It's not fair. This has been so much harder for me than it has for him, and I'm typing this now with tears down my face because I am so angry and hurt and frusterated. What a waste of my time hey?

And you know, this time I don't care if he texts me telling me he read my blog and it made him uncomortable. I don't care. I don't lie when I say over and over I really wanted to be his friend. I really wanted to have a friendship. But now, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Seeing him will make me so unhappy, like dangling a peice of meat in front of a dog and then passing it to a different dog. It's like saying "here Kristen, you had this once. You wernt good enough. She's the next, better you."

I feel bad that I'm making such a big deal because he can't help the way he feels. But neither can I. First fucking relationship ends like fucking this. That will teach me to ever give 100 percent of myself again. That will teach me to try and have a good friendship with someone that you absoulutely adore but you can't anymore. I hope that they are incredibly happy with each other but I hope someday he realizes how much potentiol I had. I hope he realizes tha tbecause of him I was just downstairs as my grandma was over, bawling my eyes out on my moms shoulder. I hope he discovers that because of him my grandma held me and whispered that alot of people love me and they are only going to be the ones that matter.

I hope someday everyone realizes that I don't deserve any of this. All I ever asked was to be happy, and if and when our relationship ended, was that it ended on a good note. And it hasn't. You know, two months ago at Daniels sisters birhtday party, (a little under two since it was a week before he dumped me), I told him that I was scared he would leave me for sarah. He looked at me and said "Fuck Sarah, your like the girl of my dreams"

Shows you how much he knows. Shows you how much I meant to him. Shows you how much of an idiot I am. Fuck. I don't want this to change anything because for once I was just starting to feel like he wanted me in his life. And now I am going to have to rebuild that wall all over again just so that when he talks to me and says something like "Hey man, I wanna buy these noodles dude, I promise I'll pay you back" I can smile and say "Sure bro" Because that's what we are. Fucking best friends to the moon and back.

Fuck you.