Taking things for granted. Now isn't that a very vast and largely important subject? I have never felt more aware of the things in life that we shrug off everyday, and the second that they leave our lives forever, no longer allowed to be graced by our touch or our prescence, it seems crazy that we never cherished it.
I'm not just talking about the brats on tv shows who get sent away to a third world country and come home with a huge realization about how fucking amazing we have it here. Im not just talking about the people that finally realize that as canadians, americans, and alot of wealthy countries, we can get whatever we want at our fingertips.
I'm talking about friends. Family. People who may in fact be more than friends. Of course you saw this coming. I am a stuttering and reminscing mess these days. But I can't help but feel like if I am feeling such a connection with this picture, that I must be missing alot more about life in general. That when your mom or dad hugs you, there are alot of kids in the world who would kill to have that love and safety that you have.
There are so many things I feel like I don't deserve. I don't deserve the houses that I have. I don't deserve the privealge to ask my mom for cash just so I can buy a 70$ + sweater. I don't deserve alot of things. I feel that as a person, the way i've been brought up, that I am completely selfish. I am selfish for the reason that instead of these thoughts rocketing through my mind everyday, about hygiene, shelter, food. I;m thinking about a boy's touch and how much I miss it. Im thinking about how I want to be loved like I always used to be.
I think theres something wrong with that. I would like to say I'm going to try my best to get my mind out of the gutter, but today after hanging out with Chris squared (Chris Liu and Dafoe) I feel like I am not a special, or even important person in Chris Dafoe's life. Hell, I want to be so bad. But the harder I try, the more I feel like he is pushing me away. I'm becoming extremely doubtful of our wanting to be good friends aspect. I am doubtful of the text messages I have from him that state that he really cares for me, and already considers me his best friend.
I felt so unimportant today. Uncherished. I flipped shit on him today because every ten seconds he was texting Sarah when Chris Liu and I were trying to make conversation. I am so fucking shocked by all of this. Everytime I see him its a punch in the face, I can't believe what happened. I can't even comprehend where I went wrong. I really am just another face in his life. And just like that, Sarah became the center of it. Chris Liu always sneaks little encouraging words to me when Dafoe leaves the room. He tells me that this is normal, that its still so raw with us I can't expect it to go smoothly. But today was so terrible. The way I feel like Chris Dafoe treated me. The way he freaked out on me everytime I tried to be silly, or try to make a point. I felt utterly annoying, him loving me seems so far away. I feel like anything I say, he's going to tell Sarah and she will kiss him and they will share thoughts about how stupid I am. Afterall, when she found out I cried on the phone when he told me they were dating, she ran around Mac and told people.
That's apparently how people know me know. I have two witnesses to show for it. I don't know where I went wrong. I only think about it a little over 2 times a day now. It's a huge improvement from the 400 times I would think about it last month. I'm glad for it, but I don't understand why I'm trying so hard, literally wanting a close friendship so bad. Today I stepped back for a second and was like, "Kristen, what are you doing?" Whatever I'm doing, is setting me up for more heartbreak. I am wasting my time. Anything Chris says to me I know will not be genuine. Thats how I feel at least. My breath feels wasted on him, my effort feels like it doesn't matter. We argued so much today, I tried to apologize for one small argument and he said "Kristen we have tried talking it out before. It doesn't solve shit, maybe we can just ignore it and it will go away like reverse physcology"
Wtf?! How about not?! He kept saying angrily "kristen its not an issue" everytime I tried to fix something that was most definately an issue. I think he always forgets how for a small chunk of his life I meant something to him, and in that small time era I learned alot about him. And I can still read him like a book. He does this face when he's trying to be nice and smile but hes so pissed off, and I counted probably twelve of those looks today. What we would fight about was so ridiculous, and Chris Liu would just sit there listening intently. I would say something about my feelings and he would snap at me. I said "I just feel like when your texting people you don't want to talk to me and Chris" And he said "kristen is it actually so bad that I text like once an hour?" and I said "No, but you text more than-" he interuppted me and said "The last time I texted was like two hours ago" and said "you only stopped because I flipped on you" Then he shouted "EXACTLY!"
Yeah because that makes total sense. I don't know if it was just a bad mood like he claims. But I can't handle it. At all. My effort feels so completely wasted on him, and I always say that if its not going to be returned there is absoulutely no point. I am just angry, when I laid in bed last night all I could think about was the things I wanted to say to him. I just feel so mad with everything, I feel like if I say something it won't matter. Who am I to say anything? i'm no one. Im the ex girlfriend. Sarah is laughing her way into chris' heart everytime I try to do anything. I feel so completely helpless, I am so desperate because summer is slipping through my grasp, the closure of that was today when there was a fresh sheet of snow upon everything. With the winter, comes sorrow for me. It's a reality bomb. It's an "its over" bomb. I fucking hate school and how I have none of my good friends. I love Lisa, but her and Rebecca are attatched at the hip and I can't stand Rebecca these days. Anything i say to her isn't important and is shooed away by an eyeroll. I miss seeing Morgan, and Chris Liu and Keltyn and my good friends. I want to repair fucking me and Chris Dafoe because he said Sarah wouldn't change anything and it is, because its devaluing what I mean to him. Which is at .5 so I don't see how it could possibly get any fucking lower.
I'm probably speaking too soon. We haven't even hit the negatives.
I'm not just talking about the brats on tv shows who get sent away to a third world country and come home with a huge realization about how fucking amazing we have it here. Im not just talking about the people that finally realize that as canadians, americans, and alot of wealthy countries, we can get whatever we want at our fingertips.
I'm talking about friends. Family. People who may in fact be more than friends. Of course you saw this coming. I am a stuttering and reminscing mess these days. But I can't help but feel like if I am feeling such a connection with this picture, that I must be missing alot more about life in general. That when your mom or dad hugs you, there are alot of kids in the world who would kill to have that love and safety that you have.
There are so many things I feel like I don't deserve. I don't deserve the houses that I have. I don't deserve the privealge to ask my mom for cash just so I can buy a 70$ + sweater. I don't deserve alot of things. I feel that as a person, the way i've been brought up, that I am completely selfish. I am selfish for the reason that instead of these thoughts rocketing through my mind everyday, about hygiene, shelter, food. I;m thinking about a boy's touch and how much I miss it. Im thinking about how I want to be loved like I always used to be.
I think theres something wrong with that. I would like to say I'm going to try my best to get my mind out of the gutter, but today after hanging out with Chris squared (Chris Liu and Dafoe) I feel like I am not a special, or even important person in Chris Dafoe's life. Hell, I want to be so bad. But the harder I try, the more I feel like he is pushing me away. I'm becoming extremely doubtful of our wanting to be good friends aspect. I am doubtful of the text messages I have from him that state that he really cares for me, and already considers me his best friend.
I felt so unimportant today. Uncherished. I flipped shit on him today because every ten seconds he was texting Sarah when Chris Liu and I were trying to make conversation. I am so fucking shocked by all of this. Everytime I see him its a punch in the face, I can't believe what happened. I can't even comprehend where I went wrong. I really am just another face in his life. And just like that, Sarah became the center of it. Chris Liu always sneaks little encouraging words to me when Dafoe leaves the room. He tells me that this is normal, that its still so raw with us I can't expect it to go smoothly. But today was so terrible. The way I feel like Chris Dafoe treated me. The way he freaked out on me everytime I tried to be silly, or try to make a point. I felt utterly annoying, him loving me seems so far away. I feel like anything I say, he's going to tell Sarah and she will kiss him and they will share thoughts about how stupid I am. Afterall, when she found out I cried on the phone when he told me they were dating, she ran around Mac and told people.
That's apparently how people know me know. I have two witnesses to show for it. I don't know where I went wrong. I only think about it a little over 2 times a day now. It's a huge improvement from the 400 times I would think about it last month. I'm glad for it, but I don't understand why I'm trying so hard, literally wanting a close friendship so bad. Today I stepped back for a second and was like, "Kristen, what are you doing?" Whatever I'm doing, is setting me up for more heartbreak. I am wasting my time. Anything Chris says to me I know will not be genuine. Thats how I feel at least. My breath feels wasted on him, my effort feels like it doesn't matter. We argued so much today, I tried to apologize for one small argument and he said "Kristen we have tried talking it out before. It doesn't solve shit, maybe we can just ignore it and it will go away like reverse physcology"
Wtf?! How about not?! He kept saying angrily "kristen its not an issue" everytime I tried to fix something that was most definately an issue. I think he always forgets how for a small chunk of his life I meant something to him, and in that small time era I learned alot about him. And I can still read him like a book. He does this face when he's trying to be nice and smile but hes so pissed off, and I counted probably twelve of those looks today. What we would fight about was so ridiculous, and Chris Liu would just sit there listening intently. I would say something about my feelings and he would snap at me. I said "I just feel like when your texting people you don't want to talk to me and Chris" And he said "kristen is it actually so bad that I text like once an hour?" and I said "No, but you text more than-" he interuppted me and said "The last time I texted was like two hours ago" and said "you only stopped because I flipped on you" Then he shouted "EXACTLY!"
Yeah because that makes total sense. I don't know if it was just a bad mood like he claims. But I can't handle it. At all. My effort feels so completely wasted on him, and I always say that if its not going to be returned there is absoulutely no point. I am just angry, when I laid in bed last night all I could think about was the things I wanted to say to him. I just feel so mad with everything, I feel like if I say something it won't matter. Who am I to say anything? i'm no one. Im the ex girlfriend. Sarah is laughing her way into chris' heart everytime I try to do anything. I feel so completely helpless, I am so desperate because summer is slipping through my grasp, the closure of that was today when there was a fresh sheet of snow upon everything. With the winter, comes sorrow for me. It's a reality bomb. It's an "its over" bomb. I fucking hate school and how I have none of my good friends. I love Lisa, but her and Rebecca are attatched at the hip and I can't stand Rebecca these days. Anything i say to her isn't important and is shooed away by an eyeroll. I miss seeing Morgan, and Chris Liu and Keltyn and my good friends. I want to repair fucking me and Chris Dafoe because he said Sarah wouldn't change anything and it is, because its devaluing what I mean to him. Which is at .5 so I don't see how it could possibly get any fucking lower.
I'm probably speaking too soon. We haven't even hit the negatives.
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