Would you have the guts to say...?

You know it was never about losing a boyfriend. It was never about her, or anyone else but me really. I feel i'm losing my life. I am one of the worst people you will probably ever come across when it comes to change. I cannot stand waking up every morning and feeling like the world is completely unfamiliar to me. This rollercoaster of emotions is really making me sick, and I want off. I am barely ever sad unless I'm on my own as I was tonight when I was trying to wash my hair.

I never feel sorry for myself like I used to until things remind me of other things. I keep thinking of how angry I am and how ridiculous it is. I really am furious. I am pissed the fuck off and I find myself waking up in the morning and cursing the sky above me because I have done nothing but fucking try. I feel like when it comes to my situations I am lucky. How can I complain when I have it so good? But when i think of other people, (How did you know I would say Chris?) I get so angry.

I plan these long and massive speeches in my head sometimes. Just if I'm doing laundrey or making myself something to eat I think and get so flustered with anger I feel like saying a million things at once. One of them is that Chris got what he fucking wanted. About a month ago I laughed at him and said "What do you have to be sad about?" He told me alot, but I know thats bullshit. He got the girl, he got to be friends with me, and he should be fucking pleased. Really fucking pleased.

What do I have? Other than a bruised self confidence, a shitty attitude, and the amazing ability to put on a brave face everytime someone talks about it. I feel like I'm living in a shell and I never confront my feelings with anyone. I can bet you 100 dollars he has no idea I feel this way. When I see him I'm like a ray of fucking sunshine like nothing is fucking wrong. Reality: Were not fucking bestfriends. And when it comes down to it he fucked me over, he said alot of bullshit, and chose someone else over me.

Why would I want to be friends with someone like that?

Because I can't fucking let go.

I miss summertime so much. I really miss Tim and how I used to see him alot and he would hug me and make me feel like I mattered as a friend. I miss when we wern't all in highschool and gossip didn't get passed around like fucking air. I hate that the most now. The circulation that everyone has. People think I'm over it. They expect me to be over it. They laugh and mention that they are dating. They mention how they 'hook up' all the time. If I really had my way I would either
a) fucking move away, or
b) Shoot myself in the fucking face to put an end to these fucking people.

I probably shared too much there. But surprisingly I just felt like going on a rant because It needs to be sad. I'm trapped. I have no idea where I'm going with this because if i ever told Chris we couldn't be friends and walked away from him, He wouldn't come after me. Like I actually don't matter to people anymore. I used to hang out with Tim and all the guys and listen to their funny stories and be in complete bliss because Caroline was with him and I just had the best 'crew' in the world. But where the fuck did they go?

I don't ever see Tim. I don't talk to Daniel unless he feels like telling me something rant worthy. I don't fucking recognize Chris anymore he is not the person I fell for he is now just this silouette. I feel so lost. My dad always tells me you can never go back. I know I can't. But I feel like crying and begging someone to give me the answers. I want someone to hold me and tell me its going to turn out okay eventually and I want Chris to tell me he never wanted to hurt me and he'll always care for me and mean it. I want my best friends back, I want Westminster back, I want happiness back. And although I'm happy now because I'm grateful for my life, I still wish sometimes I hadn't got the 'gift' to be here. I hate being angry, but I hate crying more. Something this blog is causing me to do. I want people to be sincere and need me in their life. I just want escape and love. I even told Chris he was my escape once, and with the whole weed thing I told him he couldn't be my escape anymore. He told me I was never willing to change. And I did. I hate myself for trying drugs in the first place after being so strong willed to never succum into that world. It never would have happened if I didn't try to change for Chris. At the time I thought it would make him want me back.

I wish I never met him. I wish I never dated him. I wish I never went to Shep and I wish I went to a school far away from the people I go to school with now because no one knows how hurt I am and how I try so hard to act like I can handle everything becuase I don't want people to think that I can't handle a measly breakup. I don't know what I want from Chris. I don't want a friendship, but I do. Even though we have one it hurts me so fucking much to see him because I lost him. I fucked everything up as I usually do, I still like him after two months, and I'm still in this dark and lonely place and I keep trying to fool myself that I'm not.

I'm trying to hang on. I don't know if I can anymore. I don't want to be this person. The person that I am has friends that respect her, a boyfriend who loves her and doesn't need to smoke to feel like she has a second chance. That's me. I have lost a connection with all of my closest friends. I have lost myself along the way trying to be me without him. I have made a mountain out of something that I should have handled in silence. For the rest of my life I will shudder when I drive by fucking Mac. I will never ever feel okay about this. I am trying my hardest to find someone to take my attention and it seems like everyone else has but me. Even Caroline has moved on from Tim. Chris has forgotten how I had been special the day we broke up. And I absoulutely hate him for everything he's done to me. And I hate being at home because my mom is fucked up and her ex boyfriend is fucked and he still lives with us and I hate my dads house because all he does is yell and threaten me. I feel so trapped right now and i know im creating this for myself but I can't help it.

What am I supposed to do.

What the fuck am I supposed to do.