Wow, this sure is different!

haha. What? I'm so frusterated right now. Like I'm in a really good mood, and overall I am really happy. Wow, haha I don't even know where to begin with the way that I'm feeling. I came to a conclusion yesterday when I was walking. I don't remember where I was walking, but I remember I was contemplating alot of things and where I stand in my situations.

haha I feel hmm. Does this explain anything? Well I can tell you up front that I am confused once again. I'm not actually confused, but just the way I feel is so hard to explain. It's part of the reason I haven't written a blog in so long. I don't even know where to start. The other day I was walking somewhere, and I was contemplating some things. I came to a very uneven conclusion about how I feel about things. Like my friends, like Chris. I'm scared to say TOO much because I know people read this and I don't want anyone thinking I'm weird.

To begin with Chris, I have decided that all of this healing that I feel I've been going through, all these good feelings, has nothing to do with me getting over him. For a while I felt like it was that. But it's not. I still feel everything I always have. Which is stupid. Because I can't picture that going away. I can't feel those feelings disapearing I can't even picture it. That pisses me off. But, instead I have been going backwards. I have accustumed myself to this new person that he is. It's like I have a new crush or something all over again. I honestly feel like this is grade nine all over again, when I liked him and he liked someone else. So it's that same pain, but the memories of the summertime do not feel real, and I feel like I'm taking a gamble with someone and starting from the complete beginning all over again. I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand it means that I can start over and build a real friendship with him, or i can be my idiot self and try to get him back which is something I don't want but I feel like sometimes I'm subconciously having that thought in the back of my head.

Especially last night I went to his house with Chris Liu! I was so happy the entire time at one point I just stood back and admired everything and really thought "Look at this. After everything we've gone through, I can make my way back to this. This is what I completely loved in grade nine. And after dating Chris, losing Chris Liu, I can say I have made it back to this leveled place where Chris Liu and Chris Dafoe are slowly becoming my best friends again. And What I once feared about losing his family, I'm still here"

I was so happy. I was confused, but happy. I am so overwhelmingly overjoyed that I am still welcomed in his home, and that his parents still treat me the same, his brother does. It's almost like when I'm there I don't even care what he thinks. Sometimes it is that way. I have a few complaints that is, especially when I say something funny or Aidan says to me "Kristen you look very nice in your different clothes. Usually you wear short shorts" And I started laughing but I noticed Chris just had this face of stone.

I am so happy that all three of us can hang out and have similar conversations from grade nine. I'm happy that we go to all different schools but that hasn't changed anything. One would think that Chris Liu would eventually fade away, Chris Dafoe would too after every shitty thing these last few weeks. But it hasn't happened. And I want friendship now more than anything.

I'm not daring enough to say much more. I'm scared of someone falling upon this blog and using it against me. It's just the way I feel. We watched Saw II and well, I can't say much more. Lets just say that sometimes I wonder if this really is the end of the road or if there is going to more drama between the two of us. Little things make me wonder. I wonder if I really am just the girl whose going to have to keep her mouth shut and be the best friend for the rest of eternity. I'm so curious whats going on between him and her. I want to know so badly because I want him to feel like he made a mistake. But it's not my place. Its awkward because I assume that he still likes me, I have a small hope that he always will. But then I realize how out of his life I actually am. They got together. And everyday that I think something might change and maybe just maybe he'll come running back I say to myself "Kristen, he dumped you for a reason and kissed her for a reason. Keep dreaming"

And then I feel stupid. I feel pain all over again, but then I smile. And I think, "Were friends" Sometimes things are still a little tense. Especially when I have things I want to say but don't, and instead I just say sly remarks trying to cut him down. All it does, is piss him off. And I do feel like I annoy him sometimes. Especially watching Saw last night when he kept yelling at me to chill out.

Augh. We'll see. Chris Liu is always going to be one of my best friends, Chris Dafoe is always going to be a mystery, until the day that I get up and think 'wow he was completely wrong for me' My dad says sometimes the easiest way to get over someone is to hate them. But I can't see myself doing that. He says that its easier to just rip the band aid off, rather then do what I'm doing and take an incredibly long time. But I don't know what to think anymore except that I'm not dwelling on the breakup because I feel like it never happened. The small things that happened between us sometimes rise to the surface and we give each other secret looks that no one else notices because only we know what happened. And it might just stay that way. A secret.

I still feel like I gave too much of myself. But I have to stop writing this, because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable and I know if Chris were to read this he'd be shifting in his seat.

On a different note, I realized something else today about my friendships. And that is that my best friends went to different schools than I did. I don't feel myself having a best friend relationship with Caroline, Lisa or even Rebecca. They feel like friends, yes. But Lisa and Rebecca are always together, and Caroline always with Taylor. I decided just a few days ago that I, once and for all, need my other half. Morgan is my other half. Keltyn is. I just miss them, and contemplating all this stuff with Chris, I listed all the possible things that could happen and I realized if any of it did happen I wouldn't even tell Caroline, Rebecca, but maybe Lisa. I would honestly just be itching to call Morgan, to see her and have one of our hour long talks. I would be texting Keltyn madly. I just want my best friends and thats what the weekends are ultimately for. I am going to be trying so hard to see Morgan more often. I feel so alone at Shep. My good friends are just drifting away, and it's nothing that either of us are doing. They're just finding their way. And I haven't yet.

So, I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm happy now. I am so past crying, and tears. Everyday gets easier and easier. And everyday I am so much more grateful for friendship then romance. I am grateful for living rather then wanting things to change or wanting to escape somehow. I haven't drank, smoked, or really been to a party in over three weeks. And I am completely fine with it. Life gets hard, it's fucking tough sometimes. But the best company I have, is myself. And the thing I want most in the world right now is a good friend. Right after breakup I wanted a boyfriend again so bad. Lol, now I just want some really good friends. Last night when Chris' dad held up his underwear and he said "I don't care its only Chris and Kristen" I smiled, because I want to be just me. I want to be able to smile and have fun with life and have best friends. Course there is a little more going on inside me than just that because I am still struggling to move on. But I don't feel like voicing that anymore.

But, I'm happy. Besides my dad says I need to focus on school lol. So maybe that's what I'll do. I haven't written a blog about school yet I don't think. That may just be a problem. Lol. I'm so behind on homework anyways.

I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. Please I beg of you emotional rollercoaster, just stay in the loading dock. I am completely fine with having an innocent crush on my ex boyfriend and making new friends. I am perfectly fine. Shit, as I say this I can still see another train coming my way sometime soon. I'll just bask in the moment for now.