Hyperventilation

I'm hyperventilating right now. I'm trying to distract myself. I was hoping writing a blog would do just that. But I can barely see the screen through my tears. It's hard to think of a time I've ever cried this hard. I can't breath. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to talk about my book now to try and swerve me into a different direction because it feels like I'm having convulsions and like the world is ending.

So anyways everyone knows the Twilight series? Well actually it's called the Twilight Saga because these books all have different titles. Or something like that. I got the second book for Christmas it's called New moon i read it in like three days. (and thats a long time for me) Then I made my mom buy me the other two! I'm halfway done the third one. They're so good. I'm going to cry, (Pardon the pun) when I'm finished all four of them. My life will be incomplete. Okay this seriously isn't working I can't breath. I'm going to go and lie down or something.

Send happiness down from the stars.

I am feeling better yet today. Not good, but better. I have come to terms that this will never actually go away and I will be cursed with pain not only inflicted upon myself but upon other people. That just must be the way that it has to be. It really makes me wonder, when you see someone somewhere, someone that seems utterly insignificant and then you think about it, they might be suicidal or something. What about the person who rings your burger through the till at Dairy Queen? They might just have gotten dumped for their best friend. It's hard to think your the only one with pain. For some reason, that feeling of not being alone has always comforted me. Knowing that other people are hurting too.

NOT THAT I WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO HURT! BECAUSE I DON'T! I just don't know anymore. I really don't. I guess I'm going to have to sit back for a little while and let my life control itself. I don't work for a really long time. That one thought is burning through my brain. I want to work. I went to the mall this morning with my mother. She bought me a new pair of jeans and a couple shirts. Likewise, I have to pay her back. Which I will do shortly, but it was still a nice gesture. I hate shopping though, I only like purchasing.

It wasn't long until West Ed got packed to the brims and we had to escape with our purchases under our arms. Now I'm home, thinking about what I'm going to do tonight. Rebecca, Lisa, Paulina and I are going to find a party. it's what we say were going to do, but I just want to spend some time with my close friends. I know they won't judge me. The idea of school gets more and more terrifying. I wish I could have taken this back, but I really don't know what I want at this point.

Anyhow, I think I'll just go. My thoughts are very neutral right now. So I'd like to keep them that way, rather than firing myself up within a blog. That causes me stress. Alot of things cause me stress. But what can I do. Ugh, I feel so hopeless right now. I almost cried today staring at my computers desktop and pictures of Morgan and I slid by, during the days where we would sit on my garage roof and bask in the sunlight and play my guitar. Now if I were to climb up there I'd need snowpants and a huge jacket and maybe some ice picks. I'd also be sitting under three feet of snow. It might not be the comfortable, especially when I'd eventually probably fall off the roof. I'm going to go and make a video now though. I want to make more of my KandKLINK videos. I promised Keltyn I would do that, and I haven't been. It's on my top list of priorities.

Bye.

1 am 1n5an3

I'm going to start off this blog on a happy and strange note for once. First of all, I have had a better day than the last few. I am also going to say that I love Alyssa, and the battle she seems to fight for me. It's great to know that someone's around that would be willing to put themself in front of a bus for me If I had ever run in front of one. (Well that's kind of a stupid analogy since we would both die...)

Anyways, I have a huge smile plastered on my face because of Alyssa's blog. It's great to know that I'm cared about. I hate how my 'issue' right now is supposed to be a secret. I want to blog about it and tell Alyssa, but I don't think she'd believe it. It's actually crazy that this happened. But at the same time I am glad that because of my recent physco facebook statuses people have been messaging me, people I didn't think ever would be worried about me, are. It's nice. Sometimes I forget there are people out there who would fight a battle for me. And I would do the same for them.

The past few days I have felt like I'm torturing myself. It's been terrible to say the least. It's even worse because I don't even have the short end of the stick. Those two other people do. And I am even more fearful of going back to school now, because my 'secret' is bound to get out. And people are going to hate me. To put it bluntly. I am so scared shitless to face Elly. I really let everyone down this time. She said so much to me that really smartened me up and made me feel bad for doing this. I really feel bad.

I don't mind the facebook messages though. I know pretty soon they'll start changing into insulting long messages about what a whore I am. I saw three new messages in my inbox today and almost shit a brick. I was so certain it would be the hate mail starting, but luckily it was just a few people who are worried about me and care. This really awesome guy from work named Mike left me a little message saying "If you need me to take care of anything...or anyone, I'm there. I look out for my co-workers. Peace"

I'll leave out the part where I laughed out loud when I read this. It makes my heart swell that some guy I barely know will look out for me. Well, he's one I know that won't be sending me hate messages anytime soon. Along with Alyssa. I'm still scared of Facebook though. This has been a terrible Christmas break. Part of me wants school to come so I can get past these days that seem to drone on forever and leave way to many gaps for me to think, but at the same time I might just pee my pants when I get back to school. It will be one of those moments where I feel like everyone is looking at me.

At work today was alot better than yesterday. I didn't lock myself in the nasty staff bathroom and cry. I just stayed on the floor and acted like a complete physco in front of Melissa. Not only did I let her in on my 'pranks', I also sang along to music I didn't know and climbed up the ladders for no apparent reason just to 'spy' on the customers. I had a mischevious moment, where I had been thinking of Bella Swan in New Moon and how being rebellious made her feel free from her past. I have decided that I need to buy a motorcycle and crash it, or go cliff diving. Because this surveying customers from a ladder thing isn't really working.

There was one point where I took all the scanners and put tape over the mouth of them where the laser comes out and then wrote on the tape little messages like "Owned" and "haha" and then set them down. The point of my prank was that when you tried to scan items it wouldn't work because of the writing. So you'd turn the thing over, and see the word "owned" and most likely you'd accidently hit the laser button and itd shine in your eyes and you;d look like a complete fool. I had a laugh attack for about 20 minutes after that discovery, and when I left for my break I was hysterically laughing down the street and looking in all the shops like a physco. I just am insane. There isn't a thing I can do about it.

But I just had a realization all over again, and now the funny is gone. I am so fucked. I fucked so many peoples lives up omg! I don't know what I'm going to do. I have no idea what's going to happen. A couple nights ago we were 'bestfriends', but oh I royally fucked that up. Blahblahblahblahblah.

I have nothing else to say about this, er, well I do. But its along the lines of I'm stupid, I should die, and that I am fucking gay. Nothing really quite positive. People can say that I am wrong, but they only say that until they find out what I did. Then they get disappointed. It was a terrible thing. I am a terrible terrible human being.

Anyways, Tomorrow is New Years Eve. I am going to a party with Lisa. I am actually excited. I haven't really gotten out lately, if staying in my house and making drinks and smoking weed in my room counts as getting out. (it doesn't) So I am going to hit up a party with her. I miss her alot actually, I am planning on telling her all about my hugemongous secret. Hopefully she won't hit me. I just need to hear people that love me tell me that it's going to be okay. I just need to hear that. Hopefully I will get super drunk and forget all about my stupid life. (I'm just kidding, my life could be worse)

I still find it ironic that I continue to feel like the victim here. I am a seriously backwards person.

Anyways, I am also trying to make plans with my old friend Carson from Westmin. He is the essence of Westminster. Seeing him is like my heart swelters with memories and things that I miss. It's kind of hard, but at the same time its not. I was in love with him for like, all of grade eight, but I got over it and he got over thinking I was a complete retard (because I acted like one in grade 8), and now he is actually interested in spending time with me. The one thing about Carson is that he is completely lost inside, but he makes me feel found for the small amount of time I spend with him. He's just a breath of fresh air. No stress. We act insane when we hang out though, the last time I saw him was when He, Keltyn and I walked to Red Robins from Steeps and Carson and I were going off the entire time about random jokes and things that made no sense.

I miss them. Hopefully I'll see him though. I don't work again for a week. It's going to be hard having so much time on my hands. I won't be able to pull pranks for a week. That'll kill me. Work is a good distraction although I'm not the greatest employee on this planet. I'm borderline useless. The whole pranking bit and drawing pictures of SportMart while people are trying to buy items. (What can I say the paper they had was so fluorescent! It was just calling to me!) *Sigh* I'm crazy.

As well, Chris told me today that I was forbid to see him. I don't know if he was serious, but who could blame him. I fucked up. I need school and work. Actually, thinking of getting back to school and working at the same time and having Cheer back up and homework piling, it makes me happy. Because it will leave me barely any time at all to think about anything. I will be so busy with school, Cheer, work. It excites me. I don't like thinking. I don't like lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. It makes me cry.

I'm sad.

Another day, same thoughts.

Fuck, I feel so bad. Sorry isn't even enough of a word to what I owe those two people. I can't believe I let this happen! I am in such a rotten state of mind right now. I am terrified to go back to school. I made friends with Elly and I feel like I let not only her down but the entire world. I can't fix this. Yesterday and Sunday I thought I could. I thought with pulling a few strings I could put everything back to the way it was supposed to be.

I can't do it, I have royally fucked these peoples lives. It's not going back to normal. Just picturing her in her room crying over it makes me feel like killing myself. I can't believe after all the pain she caused me I let myself cause the same kind of pain, if not more, on her. I feel disgusting and dirty and horrible. I don't even understand what I was thinking. That's the rotten part about me, I never think about anything until after the fact. When its already too late. What am I going to do? I'm terrified of the thought of going back to school. I can't make this right. I can't picture my life with this shadow following me. I can't even tell my best friends, it's not something to be proud of. I have done the worst thing you can possibly do and at the time I was okay with it.

I feel like getting her number. Apologizing. I feel like I'm not going to feel any better until she hurts me back. Like tag. I can't bear this, I have ruined their lives. I have a small plan forming in my head, but it looks very dangerous from down here and I still don't think I should get involved even though its my fault. What am I supposed to do? I don't know what I'm doing...

I have to work again today. I'm scared of that too. Lately I've felt myself warming up to the people at my work. I'm chill around them all now, I don't stand there with nothing to do anymore. There's always something to do. But I don't feel like I'm improving. I hate asking people for help there. Being an employee means your supposed to be able to help out and I'm always getting customers coming to me and I nod and bullshit them and then say "Hold on one second I'll get someone to help you" It's kind of stressful. I also never know who I'm on shift with. I like working with certain people, and others not so much because they talk condescendingly towards me. The good thing about work is that when its busy my mind is completely focused on climbing those stupid ladders, and doing math in my head at the Till, and folding clothes. But I get so anxious when the store clears out and dies down. Thats when I start thinking, and the faint radio station playing in the backround whilst I fold clothes just catches up to me and I feel like crying.

It's not good. I can't escape my head. I can't escape what I've down. It's revolting to think that I wanted this. Or I thought I wanted this. The good part is that I still have a conscience. The bad part, is that my conscience is killing me. Talking to Elly, I felt like the biggest idiot ever. She asked me what I was thinking, I told her I wasn't. It's funny, It's the truth. When someone says that you feel like hitting them, saying "You must have been thinking about something" I wasn't. I wasn't thinking about anything but my own selfish mind. I can't believe I let it happen. It hurts even more to think about how much regret the other person must have. How long I've wanted something like that to mean something.

Fuck this is a thousand times worse than ever getting dumped. Well, maybe not completely but at least I knew then that I couldn't have done anything to change my demise. This time I just broke peoples hearts into a million shattering pieces. I can't live with myself. Looking in the mirror I just cringe. I am a disgusting person.

I really am.

I loathe myself.

One good thing about being fucking insane, is that your mood wavers so much that sometimes your so miserable your happy. I am one of those people that gets distracted and is acting completely fine and then two seconds later I feel like curling up in a ball and crying.

I don't know what to do. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Fuck. I'm actually so confused and hurt and lost. People mean so much to me and I let them in my life and then they fuck me over and I still run back to them. I am not a strong person. I am not a person who has respect for herself. I was thinking today how I'm going to start taking more shifts at work and just overwork myself and make a whole bunch of money because work does a pretty decent job of keeping my mind busy.

Except for today not as much. I was texting Chris and went to the washroom and just started crying and when I was up at the till and helping customers tears would be silently rolling down my face. I think I worried some of them. I think Colin thinks I'm insane. I was sitting on a ladder like 12 feet up in the air with my head in my hands. I told him I was going to jump. I was thinking about it.

The future is so scary. I am so scared. I opened my little stupid black heart open again. I let it get ripped all over again. I am such a naive little breakable person. I let people get inside my head. I overthink things. I can't believe this happened all over again. I'm actually in shock. You know when you want something so bad? Everytime you sit down your on the edge of your seat just waiting and anticipating that moment because it will change everything? And then one day, it happens. Instead of being happy you feel like an asshole for wishing that kind of pain on someone.

You feel like you could take back that wish. You feel dirty and stupid. I can't believe myself. I really can't. I can't believe who i've become. I mean, I don't even know who that is. My nose has been running so much I think it actually fossilized underneath my nose. It's like its own natural multipurpose nose plug. I can't go anywhere without reminiscing. I can't do anything but cry because I want to be important so much. I can't believe I not only wrecked my first months of highshool but I also wrecked my Christmas break and wrecked two other peoples lives. I could have stopped it. I didn't have to give in.

And I really didn't need to let Miley Cyrus's "The seven things I hate about you" Song play in my room just to let me collapse on the floor and sob. I didn't need that either. I don't know what to do. I think I might actually be suicidal. I hate myself. I loathe myself.

This world would be a better place without me.

I'm gone now

You know, It'd be nice to be able to just feel like every weight thats ever been dropped on your shoulders was completely gone. It seems these days I have so many issues and they're huge issues to me. I can't take this. It's Christmas break. I've had a small bit of fun but overall I feel like breaking down and crying.

This is actually ridiculous. How I let myself appear to be the bad guy just so someone who doesn't give a shit about their actions can be happy. I am sacrificing my happiness towards two people. One who doesn't know any better and the other who just wants to be forgiven. It's fucking gay. I can feel myself sliding back into a dark hole all over again. I feel like im in this dark secluded box and the longer the time drags out the darker and harder to breath it gets.

I told him that I don't even feel like I have a heart left to break anymore. I've been pissed on so many times it's just not worth it. I'm like 75% sure now that Chris is going to leave me. That we can't even survive this as friends. I have just dug myself a hole, acted like a complete idiot, and caused myself to lose someone thats important to me. Something that no one understands but I guess I was meant to be alone anyways. I'm meant to feel broken. I haven't felt free in so long I just can't wait until the day that I can finally breath again. I haven't smiled genuinely in too long. I can't keep secrets like this within myself. Even when the secrets get leaked, their still false. They're still lies. Everything I know now is a complete messed up lie. And everything that might mean something gets diminished because its not allowed and because I'm not good enough.

I am a completely worthless human being. I miss happiness. I miss being able to stop and just glance at the blue sky, to love the music coming from my earphones, I miss the genuine love I used to feel for the world around me. I'm still so intrigued by it, but it keeps letting me down. Keeps finding reasons for me to fall. And it's not fair. I am a prisoner in my own mind and no matter how many people try to be there for me I can't accept it because I know I don't deserve it. I deserve to be alone.

It's one thing for one person that you really love to be broken into a thousand peices and you want to believe so badly that its because of you and maybe somehow you play a factor in their happiness. But then everything is fixed with her and suddenly your just another name, another person in this life of millions.

All of my friends are trying so hard to get through to me. Morgan slept over last night and ever since noon today I have been wallowing in my own self pity because I hate myself that much and feel sorry for myself that much. I got out of the shower today and laid on the bathroom floor crying. I don't know how long its been since I cried for that long and that hard. My eyes still feel tender from it. I know im annoying Morgan, shes trying to help, trying to be there for me but I shoo her away, tell her its nothing.

My friend Matt from work is trying to get me to come to a movie with him. He has it all planned out and were going to have a good time and everything. But I can't get over myself. I appreciate everyone but like in the New Moon book I just finished reading, Bella always talks about the hole in her chest, the hypothetical hole. Thats how I feel. No one can fill it but the person who caused it. And I am a lost cause right now. I feel good for the fact that he's happy and that I sacrificed my dignity to take the blame for something that wasn't my fault but what can I do?

Everyone thats currently in my current life reminds me of grade ten and how different my life is. Elly is so angry with me and the rest of them don't understand. I'm freaking out trying to find people in my life that remind me of grade nine, desperately trying to make plans with them to bring that lifestyle back. Pain was just a mere jab to the heart then. My heart is fucking gone now. I am a useless being, a stupid bag of flesh. I hate myself. I really hate myself. Where have my morals gone?

Where have I gone.

Fuck.

I kinda screwd myself over again. I don't know what to do, I don't know why I let myself get into these situations that are more or less easy to avoid. I guess in this case though I REALLY wanted it. I just don't know where to go from here. I had been so sure of my future a few days ago. I had been so sure of the relationship 'status' and just my own feelings. It's all out on the line again. It's going straight to hell. It's fucking messed more than I can fix it and this time my feelings are alot stronger because I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't tell people, I can't even tell alot of my close friends. I would get killed.

I think because of it i'm on edge way more than I usually am. My mom gave me heck today because everytime Shawn mentions she gets manipulated by me she feels the need to ask me to do a chore for her because she wants to feel like she is the boss. I declined because Im a little angsty child and she screamed at me saying things like "What do you ever do for me?!" I told her to ignore me. I told her "I'm just a kid, I'm fucked! I don't know what I'm saying!" And she got really mad and told me she wasn't going to give Morgan a ride over here. Asshole. She always makes promises she can't keep and then puts on a show later because she changed her mind. (She was never going to do it in the first place)

So I took these sticky notes and wrote "Asshole" And "retard" and stuff like that on them and stuck them around my kitchen for her to discover. I'm such an asshole I don't even understand. I really want to be a good person but lately I have no morals whatsoever and no judgement and I just basically fuck up peoples lives. One more person couldn't hurt. I don't know how to say this without giving even a little bit of a hint away. I'm just so scared for my well being right now. And like three other peoples. Well...two. I don't want to be this fucking person but I want to be happy. And I know what I want, er, or who.

Great Christmas break. I'm losing my mind. Im a terrible person I see no end to any of this. What am I going to do.

Stupid Idiot Retard

I am so motherfucking dumb! I am the most selfish person on this entire planet. Like, I wanted something bad enough to go for it without thinking about other peoples fucking feelings and being a complete and total hypocrite to everyone and everything I've ever said. This situation is honestly going to kill me. If anything brings me to the end it will be this. There's no doubt in my mind that its it.

Oh right, Merry Fucking Christmas. I had an amazing Christmas with my small little divided family. For the first year of my life the presents didn't really play a factor, and that my friends is a keyhole into the portal of my grown up world. Im going to my grandpas today because my Cousins from Calgary came down. I haven't seen them since the Calgary Stampede at the beginning of July. I can't help but miss July, but saying this is making me feel like I'm digging myself a deeper hole. I have no idea what's going to happen now im so fucking scared. I was doing so well, on my path back to happiness and stability. I can't help but feel like I've fallen back on my face again. Done something completely morally backwards. Completely.

Fuck I am so selfish. And I am so scared, and I am so so so sorry.
XoKristen

"Im six feet from the edge and I'm thinkin"

My feet hurt! I can tell you it;s because I worked so long today. I told my father today upon driving home from work that I really enjoy being busy. It lets me just be caught up in myself, be caught up in what I'm doing that I don't really have time to lay on my bed and think about everything thats currently confusing or bugging me. It's nice to be busy and to have something to do rather than sit and feel sorry for yourself. That's all Ican say. I have been really enjoying work. I made a few friends, like people that actually text me and talk to me and fool around with me at work. I still moderately hate what a Newbie I am. So many times of the day I get a customer coming to me and I can only bullshit them for so long until I have to go and grab someone who knows what they're talking about. I can tell you I finally learned how to use the till! It's just the little tricks I have no fucking idea how to work. I almost gave away 20 bucks away to a woman today because I can't count and I thought she gave me 120 bucks to pay for a 94 dollar item, when she actually gave me a hundred and I told her "25 dollars change!" and she looked at me like I was braindead. It's most embaressing to make a math slip that bad. I'm not even that terrible at math, I'm average but boy did I make myself look stupid.

Christmas is in a couple days, I'm pretty excited. My grandma is coming down from Calgary tomorrow and I love having her here because she sings and dances and makes tea like every two hours. She makes my life alot more fun and interesting. I have to work on boxing day, which sucks because I am not allowed to use the till I will be manning the floor which means grabbing shoes for people up those stupid rickety ladders, and breaking my ankle running to find sizes for customers that murmur mean things under their breath. It's just going to be a great experience for me, I have to work the saturday after boxing day as well. Two 8 hour shifts in a row.

Anyways, I wrote this blog initially to write about my unsteady feelings. I just felt bad after reading Alyssa's blog because shes such a ray of sunshine, and I'm such the opposite. I know I have alot of things to be grateful for, and trust me I am grateful for all of them. Sometimes though I just can't help but become caught up in my own little world. That's the best way I can describe being a teenager I think, just being so self absorbed but you can't help it. It's like you want to be able to think about everyone in the world around you but everything in your little small vision of life that you have is just so fucking important it kills you.

I had a really big problem today coming home from work and standing in the bathroom just staring at my reflection in the mirror. It's weird sometimes, to get in that state of mind where its like what's real? What's fake? and then you just freak yourself out because you have no idea what your doing anymore and part of the time you just let yourself believe that your crazy because nobody else feels this way. But theres a secret, they do.

I keep finding myself giving my entire heart to people, and I don't mean in the dramatic "he broke my heart way". I mean in the way that someone I love, yes love because its not necessarily romantic, just in the 'I love you as a person way', gets in a situation where you can see them hanging on by this splitting thread and you can see them falling so you say everything you can say, you tell them you'll always be here, your not going anywhere, you want to be here forever to talk, but it never occurs to you that maybe someday soon they'll just leave you behind.

I guess thats something I have a hard time dealing with. I felt so sad today staring in that mirror in my washroom. I haven't gotten a lot of time lately to put things into perspective for myself. Like tell myself I'm going to be okay. It just kind of hit me all of a sudden. I feel very lost. I feel like with Chris the days go by and I have been so busy that I don't have time to think, and just today I realized he never really texts me anymore, or replies to them. He's just kind of let me fade into the backround of his life. I think he's going through a hard time, not that I'm anyone to say anything. But time and time again I find myself doing what I can to be a supportive human being and he doesn't even take the effort to thank me but rather I get pissed on time and time again. I don't want to be kicked when I'm fucking down anymore. That movie, "the sisterhood of the travelling pants 2" where Brian tells Tibby "not everyone you love is going to leave you" is bullshit. Because If I have learned one small thing in this short life of mine, it's that nothing lasts forever. Not even love. Because eventually everything fucking changes and the person doesn't even want to give you the time of day to thank you for everything your trying to best to do. It's like that saying 'its the thought that counts'. I'm trying my best here and I'm fighting my way to the top. But its just like, if you want to disregard how much I care about you then fuck it, why am I even trying? I spent so much time on his Christmas gift, better than most of my closest friends which was a big mistake, trust me I feel stupid now.

But it's just like I keep trying to see him to give it to him, and he doesn't give a fuck. It makes me so insane to feel like he thinks that what I'm going through can't be half as bad as what he's going through. I feel like dying sometimes I am so misguided and broken hearted. I'm doing the best that I can to be okay and to handle my life because this happens to all of us. But at the same time I feel like we'll never understand where the other is coming from, I'm to annoyed with how he's making me feel by being in the state he is, and he's too upset in his little world to notice how he's slowly tearing me apart and throwing my shreds into the fire.

Fuck it really. I feel like I'm drowning. I am moderately happy and in love with life but there are too many things that I don't understand and don't deserve and too many people that have made their way into my life telling me they loved me, never wanted to hurt me, and then turn completely into someone I never expected, and that really hurts.

That really hurts.

XoKristen

Heart breaking realization.

I'm feeling very...strange right now. That doesn't say much because it's me, and I'm always crazy. I realized that because of my age and everything that people say I never know if my feelings are real. Sometimes you just have to wonder if I'm just caught up in the drama of it all. I really want to believe that I loved certain people. I really want to believe that everything was real. But how can I be so sure? I can't. I finished reading Celestes blog, and she said that 2008 seemed very short in a way. I couldn't agree more. She says its because she didn't have many mile stones, and I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum. It seems like everything for the first 3 quarters of the year were so amazing, and the quote "times flys by faster when your having fun" really proved to be true.

My playlist right now consists of one very beautiful and heartbreaking song by paramore. It's called "Caught myself". Any Twilight fans out there will be perking up right now reading this. I can't get enough of replayng it over and over again. Although lately I've just felt like crying to be honest. I really miss the summertime. I don't know what to do anymore because like I said, I don't know if these feelings are real or just myself being dramatic. But sometimes I just feel so incomplete. The first time I heard paramores song, I cried. "I don't know what I want" I have no idea what my mind is telling me. "I hate this I hate this" Where do I go from here? I'm scared to let go of everything because it means leaving a bunch of people behind. But growing up means moving on, how many times have we heard that?

I just have alot of love for so many people. My dad always said to me "why would you want to be in a relationship with somoene who didn't want to be with you?" On the same side of the coin my mom has always said to me "someday you'll find somoene who is completely head over heals in love with you, and you won't have to make them love you."

Dude, I'm only 15. I don't know fuck all. I know what belts look nice with my jeans, which boys I see are hot, and the name of the artist on the radio, but thas about it. Everything thus far is a complete mystery to me, I just want to have a voice. That's partially why I have this blog, I want people to hear me. I want people to be able to agree with me that they know exactly what I mean when I talk about losing my way. I can't handle losing things. I have never been able to handle change, or losing friends. It breaks me apart. You can't just have someone fill a hole in you and then months later they are retrieving themselves from that part in your life. I still don't know what I want, what I truly just need. I don't want to make a big deal out of chris anymore, no one really understands how I feel. It was just my first, just my first everything. I'm a clingy person to begin with. So I guess taht doesn't help. I'm just not used to the drama, to the talking, to all the fucking people that feel the need to anaylize what I had with him, like they knew.

2008 is ending soon though. I haven't drank or done anything brash in months. (Excluding my smoking slip last weekend) It's not like I ever had an addiction. I don't care for any of that stuff. But its true that if it's there I'm open to the possibility to it. I feel like I don't necessarily have any strong opinons on anything anymore. I changed myself this fall because I wanted to fit a mold and it's left me completely and utterly confused about the person that I am. I guess all I'm saying is that I have been wallowing in my own self pity and that I don't care for drinking to have a good time. I never really have. If everyone else feels the need for it, who the fuck cares?

Well, my initial point is that I hope 2009 will bring a year thats full of memories as this one has been. I feel like crying because if I could I would repeat 2008 over and over again. But I can't, and after 2009 it will be 2010, then 2011. And things will change and so will people and I'm going to have to learn to deal. So, without further adu (Is that how you spell it? :S) I feel like listing the bunch of memories I have of the year. Just to get it out of my system, because I tihnk its apparent that i have some clingy issues to this past year.

New Years last year, was great. It was my first like alcohol experience, but tahts not what made it great. I'm not a dork like that. It was great because Emma and Caroline slept over while Gage had Austin and Erik over. They were trying to get a weed dealer to come to the house because my mom went out. I remember feeling so uncomfortable and I remember kneeling over the vent in the dining room that at the time was directly over gage's bed, and shoved chips down the vent and after about half an hour a pile emerged and I remember snickering and saying to Emma "He's not going to notice until next year!" Soon enough we all heard "What the fuck?" From the basement, and gage came upstairs looking a little pissed off. We all laughed but he went downstairs and continued to try and buy weed from our doorstep so although Caroline had been bugging me about liquor the enitre night I finally gave in and unlocked my moms alcohol cabinet, grabbed a bottle and dumped a bunch of vodka into a glass and mixed it with orange juice and ran into the basement where gage and his friends were reciding and shouted "Happy New years mother fuckers!" and took a huge chug of the vodka, and I nearly vomited but the boys chased me upstairs anyways begging Caroline, Emma and I for some. That night was hilarious for me, I laid in bed that night feeling like I was going to hurl, but I realized after I just thought I was going to because I was scared my mom was going to catch me and the next morning I acted completely guilty and hid from my moms glare. Even though she had no idea.

I started to like Chris in January because of Rebecca. He was in my gym class and she would whisper to me about how hot he was. I would always laugh and say "oh yeah" but I never really paid him much attention. I remember she used to fight with me to sit next to him and to make things a little more interesting I started telling her I had a crush on him when I didn't. At one point I realized I did and during a ping pong game she told me we looked cute together, that was probably the first time I acted like a tool.

I remember I invited him to a movie and everything. When I like someone I am deadly obvious and completely and entirely annoying. It was awkward, definitely. We walked around the mall and I was set that he liked me. Never happened. Then the ski trip rolled around and I roomed with Caroline and Rebecca. We had a bunch of fun. It was grade nines only and there was a school that actually came to stay in the same hotel that was an all boys school from England. No, I'm not kidding you. All the girls hung out in the hallways, and then I realized that they all disapeared so when I went down into the lobby I found them gathered around this massive group of gorgeous boys with amazing accents. All the girls were asking what they liked to do and where they hung out and what not. The lobby had this huge fireplace and we all gathered around like it was story time. A few of the girls got their numbers, but i scurried back upstairs to see Chris being the tool that I am. He liked Cassandra at the time and happened to be on the ski trip as well. I remember he was with Connor Fletcher and we caught ice in our mouths while the entire Westmin grade 9 girl population was down in the lobby. Of course I stayed upstairs and hung out with Connor and Chris becuse I wanted to prove I wasn't a brainless girl. Although the second night we were there some girls got in trouble for talking to the boys through their windows in the middle of the night, which is exactly what we did the second night. We cracked open the window gently and I remember calling "goodnight boys!" in a british accent before flinging myself backwards off the edge of the bed. I had a huge bruise to show for it and loved telling the story of how I got it to friends. I remember Miss Sexauer came in and asked us if our window was open and Caroline and Rebecca said "no no no!" and I looked over and saw that a small breeze was coming in and I just smiled and lied brilliantly saying 'sorry I jut opened it, I was cold'. They completely bought it.

March was pretty uneventful. In April I got picked to go to this thing at the Misercordia called the P.A.R.T.Y. Program. Chris got picked to go as well and I remember how determined I had been to make something happen. I was an embaressment. On the bus ride back, after a day of him talking to me the whole day which I realize now was only because there were none of his friends around, I said "I'm tired!" and put my head on his shoulder thinking I was being very smooth and flirty. It was stupid. When we got back to school he asked me to be his science partner in our disecting project, course being me I took it to heart and thought it was a huge deal.

May was alot of fun for me. It was my birthday, and Chris'. I spent alot of time making him a card and asking him to hang out alot. Rebecca had her 16th birthday party in her backyard with a bunch of our close friends and we spent the night making smores and talking about highschool and the summertime and how on earth we would all live without each other. Then we had grade 9 grad, which was the first time I got close to Chris.He asked me to dance and what not, I remember resting my head on him and closing my eyes and everyone around me were whispering things like 'Finally' and Keltyn was screeching about how cute we were. I went to Nikita's afterparty afterwards and we all sat around her bonfire and talked about Highschool again. Cassandra had been asking me all of this stuff about Chris, initially I had asked him if he liked me and he said he didn't.

Anyways, June was just the best month of my life. I spent June running around during exam week holding Chris' hand and tiny little breakthroughs and Morgan would come over and we'd sit on my garage roof, climb all the way up there with my guitar and I'd sing her songs that I wrote and she would smile at me telling me it was gret thinking music, but how it made her sad about John. We would climb up there almost everyday and lay in the sun thinking about our situations. That roof was like a sanctuary for me. The first time I brought Chris up there he put his arm around me and I had been so happy. I remember Rebecca told me how he had told her he liked me and I ran down the street screaming. I was very happy. Then Jacob Dykstra had his end of the year party and I hadn't been invited but so many people asked him to let me come that I did.

Everyone was playing ball and sitting around the fire until the sun went down and Chris pulled me to the front drive way to ask me out and when we came back into the yard we lay next to Caroline and Tim and shared this god awful itchy blanket and looked up at the stars and i went home nearly shitting sunshine.

Fuck, I don't even have enough wordspace to even begin with the summertime. It was just amazing, and I feel like crying right now to be honest because its so far gone. I remember I went camping to Miquelon Beach with Chris' family and we kissed on the beach and I wore these massive pair of jeans. Shortly after that trip I stashed them away in this drawer in my room, and I discovered them in November and they smelt exactly like the trailer and the lake and I just left them there, didn't wash them because they reminded me of when I was so happy. My mom actually washed them like the first week of December and she said to me "Kristen, they smelt bad I had to wash them!" and I was crying, really freaking out and yelling at her telling her they smelt like the summer and now the summer was gone forever and alot of bullshit. I had a good cry after that.

I'm going to stop there, theres too much to reminsce about. Too many things that will bring me to tears. It seems weird I was ever that fucking happy. I think of my life in stages, like "that part of my life was amazing", I know I'm going to remember grade 10 as a shitty year. It breaks my heart. I really want to be a happy person with no worries. But my heart still feels broken alot of the time. I don't know what to do with myself.

Oh, here I come 2009. Please, PLEASE don't let me down. Bring me love, and happiness. Please.

XoKristen

Ho Ho Ho.

Here I am, saturday night. Sitting in my loft with my T-bird sweats and my lovely greasy hair. I feel disgusting. I'm kind of in a bad mood, depends how you look at it. Good news is that it's finally the holidays. I mean, i'm barely excited about that. I shopped at the mall all day yesterday and spend over 200 dollars on my friends and other people. Then I worked until 9:30. Today I just wasted away on my couch eating blizzards and nachos.

I just realized today after watching three movies and Britney Spears: For the record, I feel like just surrendering to the world for once in my life and just admit defeat. There was a quote today in one of the movies I watched 'The SisterHood of The Travelling Pants'. It was near the ending when Tibby finally went back to Brian and he looked at her solemnly and said "Not everyone you love is going to leave you" She said between tears "I know that now" I'll be the first one to tell you that I started cryin during that scene.

It's not realy because I'm dramatic and I related it to my own life, but because its so rare that people find everlasting love in this world, it's devastating. My dad tells me so often he's done with this dating game. He told me if it doesn't work out with his current girlfriend, he's giving up because theres no point. He's dated so many women and none of them have worked out. I can tell you that I won't be able to handle more then 10 breakups. I can barely get over this one, and everyday I just come to more and more realizations about the things I'm doing wrong.

First of all, I haven't let myself let go of him completely. Which keeps me coming back to him trying to make friendship, trying to make him think I'm a genuine person who wants to be in his life to help him when really all i want is a second chance. I'm not afraid to admit that. I will tell you that my head knows that there will never be another 'us', but my little stupid heart still thinks its worth trying for. My logic knows its not.

I honestly just don't know what I'm doing anymore. This isn't going away, it doesn't even seem to be getting any easier and I still just feel like melting everytime I get a hug goodbye. It's messed up because the feelings aren't even necessarily there anymore. It's like, I don't really like him, I like the idea of him and everything we were and it drives me nuts when I try to put everything into perspective for myself just to protect myself.

It's insane. I can't handle school, I can't handle seeing him, I can't handle hearing about her. Fuck I'm just setting myself up for problems, I really am. I was texting him today, about his Christmas gift and everything. I went all out, I regret it. Today I was almost close to telling my dad to take me to the mall to return his gift. Honestly, he's a good person, but he's done nothing but treat me like dirt these last few months. And that's just jist of it. I don't want to be waiting around anymore just to be spit on. So not worth it. I know I probably won't even see him before Christmas and I'll end up resistant to just dropping it off because I'll want him to thank me for it and swoon over how great I am because I want to be great in his eyes.

Fuck, I just fail so much. Even with this belly button piercing thing I laugh because it's not me. Its just who I want myself to become. The blonde hair. I'm even set on it getting blonder after the New Year when I make some money. I'm set on becoming good at Cheerleading, I'm set on being a good dancer, being fit. Just all these things that aren't who I am or who I ever thought I was. I'm trying so hard for what I tell everynoe is just myself but its not. I am completely lost, I am completely backwards and no matter how hard I try to tell myself I'm okay, tell myself I'm wise I'm not. Because I don't know what I'm doing. 2008 is coming to an end. In less than a week this entire year will just be a distant thought in my head, something I'll be reminded of everyday that I'm not getting back and I feel stupid because everyday I either feel like crying and giving up, or fighting back for someone who was never mine to begin with.

I'm so lost. Im not afraid to admit that I need help. This Christmas break is going to be agony for me. Just because of my own selfishness. I can't stand my feelings, my head. I'm insane. I have lost my mind. Chris doesn't even respond when I tell him I want to give him his gift. And its because it doesn't fucking matter.

Bella Swan once said "Death is easy. Fast. Living is the hard part, the part that takes courage"

Fuck it.

XoKristen

"I can be your hero"

You know, I think I partially figured it out. The whole 'i'm always here for you thing'. It's the same line of bullshit I always feed everybody. It really is bullshit. I'm never doing it for them. I do it for me. For my own pleasure, success. Because I have always wanted to be everyones hero. And I can't.

I'm not going to name too many people, but I had a friend whose name rhymes with Spaniel, and the times he was down I gave it all I had to try and help him. It wasn't just because I cared about him, course that played a huge role, but I just wanted him to look back on me and smile at how much I Cared and say that I really mattered. He has, but afterwhile you have to know that you can't save everybody.

I am trying to be Chris' superhero. I try my best to get him to think I'm this amazing girl with great advice and ways to cheer people up. And I'm not. And I just realized how hard I try to better my own self. If I could, I would be there for anybody that needed a friend. But fuck, I can't do it. I'm just a selfish little girl who can't even handle her own teen angst much less other peoples. My 'friend' is going insane right now and I feel like I'm going insane too.

I told Chris at starbucks today that being normal to me just means having consistent moods. It sounded pretty legit when I said it, and I believe it. Being a teenager, you can't be normal. One day you feel like the sky could open up above you and send down angels, and other days its as if dying would just be a quick solution. Everything is amplified, and its as if everyone is against you. Everyone is on 'their' side. Its really hard. As much as people have always said they're there for me, I always still feel like I'm alone. And I realize now that saying something to someone, trying to be all wise and then getting a response like 'thanks...' then getting angry with them for not accepting my help is completely ridiculous.

Fuck, dad doesn't lie when he says these are the defining years. Its so hard. This whole finding yourself bit. Half the time I just want to hold the people I see in pain and just make them let me cradle them in my arms so I can tell them that its just a part of life and everyone goes through it and the whole point of living is to make it out on a goodnote and its just this bogus test and you will get through it with my help. Thats just what I want to say. I wish I could. I wish I could have some kind of impact on people. I really fucking care.

XoKristen

I fail at life!

Dude life can be so gay sometimes. I fucking hate drama. No, not the class. The fucking existance of it. I feel like my life is going through this loop that I have no fucking desire to be in. I am a nobody, I always have and I feel like I always should be. The fact that I am suddenly becoming an object to be talked about is fucked. I fucking hate fuck. I can't even say the name. I am just sick you know? I want to be me, I want to have my friends and I want to have a carefree time. Everyone wants me to fall on my face.

I guess I should probably explain further but I don't want to. Basically I just ran into Sarah today while I was at Starbucks with Chris. It's stupid because I am just tired of seeing her name and hearing her name everywhere. I see her fucking name in my sleep. I want nothing more right now then to move away to the Southside or something because every teen in West Edmonton has a link to someone I know.

I just needed to get that out of my system. I got my belly button pierced last night, I can't stop lifting up my shirt and glancing at it. It is definitely a beaut. It's not even red, its not sore, and its not any other gross color under the rainbow. So far so good. I have heard way to many stories about infections and shiz, and If I can I will prevent all likelihood of that and stay sexy! Lol, I have to admit I do feel like I have a tad bit more sex appeal, or as much as you can being fifteen.

On another goodish note, School is out for two weeks! Christmas break! I can';t believe its Christmas break already. We are nearly halfway through our first year of highschool. I'm so surprised we made it this far. I'm sad because alot of things are disapearing with 2008. Alot of things I'd rather hold onto forever. Im just a big dramatic suck, and I have to get used to living in this prison/jailcell I call my head. I asked Chris once if with time this uncertainty in your head goes away and you become an adult, or rather it just stays there and you learn to get used to it.

hmm. We have few deep talks, but I guess that may be one on the list. I can't complain though. I am a happy person. I have no self confidence issues you know, I love the few friends that I have at most times of the day. I just wish I could find some kind of answer out there that would let me know that I'm going to get through this and come out okay. That's all. I just want confirmation. I want someone to be there for me and even though I know so many people are I guess I am just warming up to the fact that I'm on my own in this world. Even if i were married, I'd be alone. No one can control anything in your life but you and I've always been one to realize that I'm in control. I've always been a good thinker to be able to think myself out of certain emotions. But I guess in doing that I never think about my fuckign actions. that's one of my biggest flaws. I never fucking think.

So the one conclusion that I can make is that life is hard. But I think I'm doing a pretty decent job all things considering. I'm moderately proud of the way I have handled life these past couple of months. I feel a little worthless and unimportant but these things will happen more than once. It doesn't sound to reassuring, but thats life. Things will happen that are a hundred times worse then a little teenage girl getting her heart broken by an insignificant teenage boy.

Whatever!
Writing this blog has cheered me up a bit actually. I'm excited because in a bit I am leaving for cheer to get my cheer practice uniforms, (hopefully, I will be really disappointed if they dont show up), and then HOPEFULLY i will get to show off my belly ring that I wear with so much pride. LOL. I showed Chris today, it was awkward. But then again, alot of stuff about my day today was fucking awkward as shit.

Like when I ran up to my old childhood friend Maddie who works at London drugs and I havent seen her in months and I gave her my life story about how I was with my ex boyfriend and how he ran into Sarah and how I was now running and how I wanted to kill myself and then she looked a little confused as to why I was telling her, said 'aw' and then gave me a hug.

I fail.

XoKristen

The sky is a bitch

Boy, I had a very frusterating day today. I'm not even entirely sure why. It was probably a combination of terribly cold fucking weather and the amount of homework I hadn't yet completed. Or maybe I just wanted another reason to be mad at the world. I'm sort of like that lately. Trying to find some reason to be pissed off. It's not good, but at the same time my life seems so fucking stupid sometimes.

So I guess the morning was good, La just flew by since I just had a little exam. I don't think I did very well, but I'm not very worried about my language arts mark. In gym we had swimming again, and I got out of it because I told her I forgot my stuff. Which was partly true. I just don't know what excuse I'm going to think up for Wednesday. I'm not getting my belly button pierced until Wednesday evening and I'm working tomorrow evening.

I started becoming pissed off around lunch time. I guess I just feel moderately trapped in Shep. It's hard to explain, thats why I usually don't try to. The only people that I know that I don't feel like their draining my life away from me is like Lisa and Rebecca. The rest of the people, and all the people Ive met are just these shadows and aquantances, (I cant spell), and people i see between class that are polite and genuine but nothing else.

I'm very impatient. Infact, I knew this was going to happen. THat I would be wanting new bestfriends the minute I met new people. I just feel so completely trapped in my world, I was so excited to be friends with Elly, but her and I don't really talk anymore, it was a short lived best friend ship. She's chillen with Sarah on Friday, i guess their friends again. She hasn't said anything to me about it really. I just want that whole crowd to go away. Really, everytime I hear her name its like a dagger to the heart. I want a crew, and a crowd. I just realized I'm used to having a group of friends and now I don't. I have stragglers.

I just feel trapped by my mind. I feel like there is no way for me to get away from Chris and Sarah. Now at least I laugh when I think about all the tears that I let fall. Honestly, I am such a drama queen. Dad doesn;t lie when he says teenagers are the most self absorbed, self centered creatures on the planet. The one thing on my mind twenty four seven is me. My pain, my hurt, my broken heart. Blah, Blah blah. It's getting old, really, even to me. But I'm at the point where I haven't been happy and just felt like I was carrying nothing on my shoulders for so long that I don't really know how.

Overall, I don't really give a shit about much. I'm at the point where there is nothing else that's happened to me to pick apart and anaylize every single detail. I've cried over every possible thing to cry over. I have been upset about everything I possibly could. If I were asked to cry right now, I couldn't. I have cried myself dry. It's sad really, but I have been SO busy these last couple days and I have a feeling it's going to be like this for the next little while with work and all. I'm working tomorrow night, kinda sucky. I think sooner or later I'm going to have to learn the proper way to use that damned cash register. I fear it so much. And Customers. They scare the shit out of me.

I'll just keep to myself, and to the floor. I'll watch people at the cash register. I'm actually quite surprised at myself and the easy nature of how natural I am around the other employees. Sure, I feel like a huge pain in their ass, asking them every single thing I possibly could. But can you blame me? I haven't been shown how to do a single thing, I've had to ask everyone. It's like throwing me into the jungle to see if I can fuckcing survive.

Anyways as of right now I have a few things to look forward to. I'm going to get my belly button pierced on Wednesday. Then Thursday I'm going to Starbucks with Chris, and at Cheer we are hopefully (cross your fingers), getting our practice uniforms. I'll be extremely happy if we do. Then Friday, I just decided I'm not going to go to school and instead will go to the mall with Lisa, early as possible to buy everyones finishing touches on their christmas gifts. Then I have to work Friday night, which is gay. I figured if I worked friday I wouldn't have to work Saturday, which would be nice. But I have a feeling I will be working both days, which decently sucks. But LOTS of cash for Kristen. :D

So thats pretty much the breakdown of my week. I hate the weather though, you will hear me complaining about that more and more often. I am so pissed off at the sky, every fucking day when the temperature drops like 30 degrees its like a kick in the face to me that summer is just that much farther away. I can't fucking get over the summer, it's actually driving me mad. The other evening my mom was talking to me about something and I said "Oh yeah that reminds me of the summertime..." And she laughed and said "Kristen get over it!" And I sat at the table and said "What the fuck am I saying? It's december, fucking december Kristen!" And my mom just kind of stood there smirking.

I mean really. It's December. DECEMBER! There are like 20 inches of snow and ice on the ground, and the temperature high is -22. Summer is gone, vamoosed. The day I get over those fun times is the day I won't need to text Chris 800 times a day to reassure myself he's not going anywhere. Except, he probably is going to stop talking to me sooner or later. This friends after breakup thing is just a big pain in my ass. It gets easier, but until it stops being so painful I don't know how much longer I'm going to try.

Fuuuuuuuck.

XoKristen.

Kill me.

My ridiculous fail of a weekend is finally over. I am actually so exhausted. My grandma came over for dinner tonight after I came home from cheer. She has a boyfriend, or whom I believe is her boyfriend named Lee. His name is actually like Vankrin Ronaldo Leehuang the third. Hes this hilarious Jamacan guy, and everytime I see him and my grandma together I kill myself.

Shes one of those large hearty women, who wore a bright pink shirt to dinner. She told me a story about a male belly dancer and topped it off with "his ass was the size of my ankle". She says things like "Don't ever wear a new nightie when your sleeping somewhere new. Thats the last thing you need. A fucking strange nightie on"

She cracks me up. They crack me up together. When she laughs she looks like she's having a heart attack, and you just can;t understand a word Lee is saying. But that was probably the most interesting part of my weekend. Cheer was exhausting and one girl got kicked off the team, and because of it her best friend quit.

I am kind of pissed off. I mean, I am really sick and tired of living. That sounds so emo I realize, I just feel like nothing is ever going to change. Chris just, fuck, hasn't been saying much to me at all, its probably in my imagination but I feel like I must've done something wrong because he ignores my text messages and what not. I don't want to bug him by asking him. Mostly because its probably nothing. I'm just really tired of trying. I had an argument with him last night, well sort of, that I was trying to hard or something.

My life is just ridiculous. There is no way around it. I'm trying to get my dad to take me in to get my belly button pierced tomorrow. I don't know when I work next, but probably sometime next week. I have to figure out a bus schedule. So im not in the biggest writing mood right now. You might be able to tell, because my word choice isn;t the most interesting.

So I guess I'll go, I want to go on a rant. But I have nothing else to say. I just want to say fuck the world, fuck me, fuck Christmas break coming up. Just fuck everything. Really.

XoKristen

Happy and joyful as always!

None of us really write blogs anymore! It actually makes me sad. I despise trying to find fonts for this thing. I haven't written a blog because I have been on the go for like three days straight. Really, I have. Like, Wednesday was my first day of work. I had alot to say about it the evening I came home from work but It's kinda gone now. Basically it's fun, I enjoy grabbing shoes for people and climbing ladders. I suck at using the cash register, it's kind of embaressing. I am one of the youngest people there and customers don't really respect you when your serving them.

Thursday I had cheer and I went to starbucks...I think I did at least. I can't remember. But Cheer like sucks up my evening. So then I fell behind in math and now I'm really behind because I didn't take my binder home from school. Friday Morgan and Tim and Nick and John all came over. I made a bad judgement choice and smoked when I haven't in like eight yurs, and my mom pretty much caught me, but whatever.

But yeah, I worked all day today. It was a really long day. And now I'm planning on doing homework or something because I actually have a lot of it. Then tomorrow I have Cheer again, and I guess when cheer is done it will be time to go back to school. Haha, that actually sucks so much. Good thing is though, I'm not going swimming on Monday, I am chillen and watching. I am not swimming ANY longer. At all!

My life is really hectic at the moment. I partially hate it because I have no time to myself to just sit back and think for awhile, but in a way thats good because I'm not thinking about Chris and how I fail at life. On an even happier note it snows like 24/7 these days, and it was -37 today with the windchill. So winter is basically here. I am stressed out about exams, and the weather, and Christmas fucking gifts. Oh boy am I stressed about Christmas Gifts. So I guess I will go over to my dads this week or something I don't know how I'm going to pull Christmas Off...

My stomach hurts. I'm really sad because my weekend is a waste and I just kind of hate deadmonton and myself and life. I haven't seen the sun in like six days. No joke.

XoKristen

Impermeable to Pain

"You said you'd always be there, but where are you now?"

That song, is SUCH a good song. I was trying to recall a quote from this movie I watched called forgetting Sarah Marshall. I was playing around with it in my mind today, but for some reason I completely forgot it. Oh well! It was tuesday today, and such a miserable tuesday it was!

Not miserable because I'm just a pocketful of daisies, but miserable because as I was walking home from the bus stop today I realized that the sky was not too many shades different than the massive piles of snow that are starting to form. When I left for the bus stop this morning the world was extremely quiet and just covered in a blanket of snow. Course when its snowing, there has to be an insane wind to go along with it so that the snow flakes feel like someone is throwing staples at your face.

Every single day summer gets farther and farther away. I was thinking about this, how supposedly things get easier with time. No judgment, they do, except I'm curious as to these people that say they get easier with time, have ever experianced it actually going away. It seems like its this dark cloud that Im just learning to live with. The summer seems so recent, but so far away when I think about it now. It makes me sad that it gets dark around 4:30, and that the world is just completely silenced by the snow and the clouds.

Nothing is how it was. I compared relationships in my head today, with drugs. That one person, becomes your drug. You know, the one who makes you who you are. Over time they grow and become a part of you, someone you really really trust and feel like are an extension of who you are as a person. It's like an addiction. Everyday is spent just waiting to be in their arms, under their spell. When it ends, its like going insane. You want it so badly sometimes you could just scream, but when its out of your reach there isnt a thing you can do. Anyhow, I'm learning to accept it. I always say that I just get used to it, rather than keeping moving forward. There isn't any question that I am living my life in the past.

The bus ride this morning was extremely long. It took me over an hour to get to school thanks to the newly fallen snow roads. Edmonton roads are always like this when the snow first begins to pour from the sky. People freak out and drive like idiots. One street that connects to this traffic circle right by Chris' school took us half an hour to get down. And I'm not even exagerating.

I got to school just after the bell had rung for the start of classes, but I was hungry and skipped the beginning of La to go and get some breakfast with Lisa. Swimming was a delight, my swimming cap actually worked, and my hair was completely dry. Whilst the rest of the girls were running around with blow dryers, screaming when their hair froze when they ran back to the school, and fretting about how their hair smelt like chlorine, I was laughing it up with my comb running it through my dry straight hair. It was nice.

Overall, it was good. I mean, I can't complain. Well I can, the weather was shit. But I already mentioned that. My bus drives by Rio Terrace park in the morning as part of its route. I spent like my entire summer in that park, running around and getting drunk with the people I cared about and cared about me at the time. Sometimes when we drive by in the morning and its dark I try really hard to picture the little french school surrounded by the huge trees with their huge green leaves and thriving bugs and birds that used to linger on it. And the playground where I remember I once scaled with a bunch of people in the middle of September at Daniel's sisters birthday party. The grass was green and the air was warm and thick. When the sun went down, it was a three hour process, filling the sky with the most beautiful colors I have ever seen. I used to lie in the grass, I remember one time at Morgans house all of us were at her house and when night fell we ran to the park across the street from the Country Club and I laid on top of Chris because I'm allergic to grass. And we all looked at the stars and laughed, and complained about how the city makes it hard to see the stars.

Everyone was happy, there were things that were hard but everything was stable. I think none of us really wanted to think about the future. I think somehow I always knew that Highschool would bring a whole new life to my entire group of friends. I mean, Caroline and I used to climb moutains just to get Chris and Tim to come over so we could have a double date hangout. We used to sit around her bonfire and play would you rather and Never have I ever. I used to talk to Chris on the phone until he fell asleep and I would hear nothing but his breath and whisper goodnight and then hang up. I used to go to Morgans and watch everyone clamber into her hottub while I jumped on the trampoline.

They were my best friends. And it was the best summer of my life. Now I know what Chris meant when he said he wish it could be summer forever. I guess it's good to be remembered as an amazing memory rather than keep this drama going all the way through grade ten. I can't get summer back. I've been trying for so long to keep that hope burning in my heart that maybe, just MAYBE Chris will call me telling me he made a mistake. Summer was Chris, and Chris was my summer. It sucks for me, I am starting to believe I'm such a clingy person.

I don't honestly believe I'm going to look back on the beginning of grade ten and remember this as the time of my life. I feel like I'm just going to think of it and shudder because things have been such a roller coaster for me. But going through stuff like this makes you feel stronger, like your superwoman, and if you can overcome this you can overcome anything. I remember that Sarah Marshall Quote now, he said.

"It makes you feel almost impermeable to pain, like we could jump off this cliff and it wouldn't hurt as much as they hurt us."

How much I wish I could say I was a strong person. I'm starting to believe this is going to devour my life for the rest of grade ten. Fuck, I sure hope not. I can tell this isn't the end of the road.

I can tell.

XoKristen

STRESS STRESS STRE- sorry, head just exploded

So today was an alright start to the week. I just finished up reading Alyssa's blog. Very glad that she's over Sean. Sad that she isn't in my shoes anymore because I liked having someone that didn't think I was crazy. But I have no doubt she'll still relate to me.

I'm frusterated right now because I'm on my fathers little desktop computer. It's decent, quite new, but I haven't been on it realy since I got my laptop, and my father has no idea how to clean out viruses and what not so its very slow and laggy and popups keep appearing, that are completely slowing down my blogging speed! Talk about frusteration! The only reason I'm not using Willow (my laptop), is because my father's little wireless connection is broken and its taken 5 weeks for one to get here, and...it's still not here.

I um, I don't have much I can really appropriately say. I'm scared for my free speech now because apparently certain people that I don't even know take alot of pride in reading these and updating others. Kinda creepy, I agree.

I learned something about myself today. I do alot of unnecessary pondering. Really. I started thinking about this short story we read In La. And trust me it is very rare that my real life ties in with something we learned in Language Arts class. Anyways, It's called the Cardboard Room and at the end of this story the boy Eric says to the 'protagonist' "you don't understand how fragile things are, how easily thngs can be broken" Sure, we anylized the shit out of it.

But it still got me thinking today when I was trudging through the snow that won't stop coming down that things are so fucking breakable it shouldn't be allowed. I could walk outside my door and get hit by my neighbors car. Relationships with my friends are always changing, somedays I feel like I can lose people. Somedays I feel like were completely inseperable. It makes me sad that time is traveling so completely fast. It's really true what they say, the older you get the faster time flies.

Things seem to happen with people, with Chris, with everyone, that seem like complete breakthroughs in our relationship and then the next minute or day, it's like it never happened. So breakable, I feel like I'm walking through this world on eggshells. I'm still struggling with my mind, sometimes I believe I am completely crazy. Last week I was feeling the little slivers of my mind taking on a new direction. Fuck, I don't want to talk about Chris again because it's not all I think about but I will try to make this brief.

Anyways, Basically, I just almost got over it. Saw him this weekend, things turned really unexpected and I felt like things had severely changed, and then my mind was all over the place with possibilites and probabilities, and then just like that, things seem like they were a couple weeks ago. Me being a complete and utter nobody to him all over again. I'm so curious, how does this happen?

Whatever, It doesn't have me attatched to a ball and chain anymore. It's just a side project in my otherwise busy life. I wish I could take a solid road somewhere, either to moving on or fixing things. But I'm just teeter-tottering back and fourth like some fucking jack-in-the-box. My feelings are still breakable, but I feel helpless. I'm just here for the ride.

So on a new and more stressful topic, I am going insane for the week coming up. I have a spanish midterm on Wednesday. I have my first day of work on Wednesday afterschool, after my orthodontist appointment. It's freaking me out because up until an hour ago I hadn't realized how succulent working days of the week are. I work 5-10. Basically, get home from a long and torturous day and then go to work for five hours. I am working 12-6 on Saturday, or some crazy hours like that, and I have the option of taking Friday to work. I don't think I'll tak friday, only because that is my switching house day but I kind of want to make more money.

So that sucks, on top of the physcotic fact that I am trying to schedule in my belly button peircing, time to straighten my hair which sadly is a factor in my life because my hair comes from my yeti heritage. AND I have cheer practice this thursday, the same night I have to wash my hair and study for my math test.

Oh my GOD. My head just exploded. But anyways, my boss is nice, I don't want to work every saturday I'm sure I'll get a bit of a break. I just feel on the edge. This is a little much for little old me.

I wanted to talk about my day today but I think I'm just going to peace out and go work on my Christmas Gifts for people. Stresssss! Night!

XoKristen

'There will be no white flag above my door!'

So I don't quite know what to say. I have had a really chill weekend so far, it's Saturday night, soon to be sunday. I'm kind of tired but at the same time I don't want to sleep. My mind is hard at work, picking away my common sense slowly.

I decided a few days ago, that I would let life do whatever it wanted to me. I also decided that this whole sherade with Chris, as little too mention it that I can, Its somewhat like my parents divorce. I still think about it, and it sucks sometimes, but I'm used to it and if they were ever to get back together it would be extremely strange for me.

So, one thing had been for sure earlier today, and that was that I am (one layer of me at least) over the situation. That's all I can really say without crossing more lines than I already have. I went to SportMart today, I finally and actually got accepted to work there. It's final. I have to fill out this little sheet to deposit money in my bank account directly or something and when I bring it in sometime next week I will get my hours down and everything.

Truthfully, I'm really excited. It's my first job, I love the atmosphere and my boss. The people that I got a quick glance of today that were on shift looked about my age. One girl reminded myself of me so much because as she was climbing one of these tall ladders to grab some shoes, she dropped the shoes and was apologizing for five minutes. Course, I didn't mind. Infact, I pictured myself doing something like that.

Also, the idea of getting money deposited in my account every tuesday is like a dream come true. I'm excited to have cash in my pocket. I'm excited for the fast approaching Christmas break. I'm a little nervous after tonight, because every time I finalize a thought in my head, something happens to undo the mental work i've been doing. For example, I saw 'him' tonight. Opened up a few wounds, a few things I thought would be forever gone. I really enjoy his company and talking to him, I just open up completely. It's so easy to talk to him but I have to keep my mind back on the reality that he is with someone else. I battle that every single day. It's easy to get lost in your mind, and sugar coating everything to make yourself believe that things are better than they are.

But it is what it is you know? I always admired Doctor Phil because he tells it like it is. It sounds ridiculous, a few of my friends shook their heads and said it was complete bullshit to go on a show just to get told the completely obvious. But I understand. There are too many people out there, myself included, that overthink things and want them to be a certain way. That want alone can get yourself believing that that is how it is. Then something happens, a 'reality check' and you feel completely crushed. It's part of the preparing yourself for life process. It's something I'm working on. I expect the unexpected. People don't surprise me anymore.

So tomorrow I am planning on washing my hair and what not, straightening it. I have swimming on Tuesday, it's kind of bothering me. Then Thursday I have swimming as well. I haven't exactly figured out what I'm doing with my hair. I believe monday I'll bring my straightener and just spend my lunch hour roughly straightening parts of my hair so that wednesday won't be completely terrible, and then Thursday I will just go swimming so that Thursday night I will wash it and go to cheer with nicely washed and straight hair. Woah, haha that was probably a terrible thing to read, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that washing my hair and straightening it is a tremendous process. By the end of next week I am getting my belly button peirced, and then I will be done with swimming. I have been waiting a good three weeks now because of swimming...What a pain in my ass.

So, general thesis for the day. I am completely and utterly happy. Uhm 'he' still confuses my mind because I was so sure I was over it. But, I'm not. Stuff like this really gets to me, it's because I want to be the strong person with her head held high. But, i'm not. And the bliss has come finally, but it was extremely forced.

As for the entire week, I'm not exactly excited. I hate high stress, high tension. That's kind of what my life is going to be like this week. I have a Spanish Exam on Wednesday, and this whole hair thing is wigging me out completely. I think what I'll do is I will wear a bun on the tipity top of my head like Chloe did last class so there will be little parts of my hair that are damp. I'll just chance it, it probably won't work, but who says I can't try?

I've rambled enough, I'm going to get going and wash my face and the rest of my worry away!

XoKristen

What an improvement!

I had such a good day today! That feels SO good to finally let myself say that. I just had one of those thoughtful, intense, really in touch with yourself days. The bus ride this morning was very slack. I missed the usual busses and took a random bus to school and got there just as the first bell rang and trudged along to language Arts. She mouthed to me across the room halfway through the class to go to the washroom, and I did and we spent probably ten minutes in the washroom talking and looking at ourselves in the mirrors. (It's very classic of us)

Then we exited and her new boyfriend Taylor was loitering around the entrance and I laughed and skipped back to the room. Spanish class went by very slowly, as it usually does. It was the only downside to my day. We had two different exams one was "Examen Auditiva" A listening exam, the other was a written. I'm sure I got at least 90%, since the material were learning I learnt back in '05.

Lunch time I hung out with Elly which is always refreshing to me. I don't know why, but I get so extremely happy when I hang out with new people. I feel like I;ve let myself go. We walked around Westmount, scouting out a boy that likes her and talking to Michelle, Rachel and Rachelle.

Drama class was the most fun. Ross Sheppard has this huge gym with bleachers that can be reached by going up on this hallway on the second floor. The hallway to the drama room is like in between the two gyms and its very long and narrow with no lockers. Today was the opening of Totem Hoop, Shep's Basketball Tournament with all the teams. (Girls Junior and Senior, and Guys junior and senior)

We heard the music blaring from the large gym and we slipped in behind one of the many entrances to the large gym. The music was so loud in the gymnasium you could hear it from the drama room. They were playing really fun rap songs, and I mean the best ones. I was getting all pumped up, watching the Boys Senior team getting warmed up for the game. There were streamers on the balconies and the bleachers had balloons stuck to them. Our Drama teacher Mrs. Forde let our class go and watch, and I love sitting in the higher balconies because your so high up and you just survey the entire school from your little chair.

The reason it was so fun for me, was because Elly knows ALOT of people. She denies it, but she does. People kept coming up to her and talking to her and introducing themselves to me. I met a guy named Bryce, at least i believe his name was Bryce. He talked to me about hockey equipment, math marks, and how cool the pikachu charm on my phone was. Then this really sweet girl named Keely sat next to me. I'd spoken to her a few times, she's in my math class and in september I walked with her to Dairy Queen with some other people from Westmin. She's extremely nice and interesting since she does proffesional skiing. (And you know me, I adore skiing)

Anyways I talked to her about a million things while watching the game, along with Speaking with Bryce and laughing with Elly about how attention was focused on looking for a certain boy in the bleachers. (Which as well is very difficult, my gym holds 2000 people. And there were probably 1000 people there)

There was a halftime 'show'. Well, it was this amazingly talented little asian guy doing some insane hiphop moves and I was in such a good mood by the time he finished his performance. There is just something strange about me and making new friends. I feel like I'm queen or something when new people talk to me. My little crush 'interest' (I'm going to say interest because I barely talk to him, it's just a possibility) was sitting across the gym in the far balconies and I could sort of see him. I don't know what it is, but lately he's been on my mind alot because I'm curious, and so has Edward Cullen/ Robert Pattinson. LOL.

So that entire period we cheered and watched basketball from these balconies and listened to rap and talked to the trillions of people in the balconies. When it was over Keely and I whined because we had math, but lucky for me I am understanding this material vaguely and it went by fast enough for me.

I went to Starbucks with Chris as well. It was really good, like, When I see him I don't have these bursts of emotions anymore. I really care about him, which is the only thing preventing me from moving on completely but I don't really think I want him to be with me anymore. Those feelings have been with me for so long it was kind of unbearable. But now with how much Im starting to enjoy shep and how today I actually noticed so many more guys than I usually do, it's like I can finally feel things changing.

I told Elly today that I was finally starting to enjoy shep. It seemed so boring to me for the first couple months but I've made a lot of new friends, not close ones, but have the potential to get that far. I had so much fun at Totem Hoop today mostly because I had friends with me that I'd only known for a small amount of time, its like the light in the clouds to my new life. My life that I think Chris doesn;t necessarily need to be in.

But Im going to keep him in it. The torture isn't as bad anymore when I see him. He's just a really good guy that I respect. We'll keep it like that, and for now I'm just going to go after the guy that I'm interested in. Just to keep my focus elsewhere, and to keep my mind off of Chris. Good thing, I know I won't get hurt by this guy either because we don't have a past, and unless it gets far I won't be bothered if it doesn't happen.

Walking home from Starbucks today I literally felt like a million bucks. I was warm, which was weird since it was snowing buckets and it was probably -20 outside. I was very thoughtful and I was just enjoying the gentle snow and the lack of wind and all the peoples Christmas Lights were on. I felt ultimately happy, I haven't felt like this in so long. I've been happy for a whole three days! I want this to be a record of 4, 5, maybe even 6 days!

I don't know how else to explain it, but my jealousy is wearing thin, and so is my desire for certain people. It's a really good feeling to feel that being over and done with.

Anyways, on a last note I'm very worried about my Sport Mart Job. She said she would call me back like two days ago, I have a feeling she won't call me. I left her a number for my Volunteer Coordinator whom was my 'boss' when I volunteered at Norwood in summer 07. She said she would call me once she got ahold of Andie (thats her name), but since it was over a year ago, something I forgot to mention I think, she might never get ahold of her. And I will end up looking like a liar, or that I implied I worked at Norwood the summer that just passed. I don't know what to do because I told a nice chunk of people I got the job since, technically I did. Oh well, what can you do except never go back into Sportmart ever again.

So, Im so excited for school tomorrow because the Totem Hoop opening Ceremonies are going on during Gym class, and then in Drama were going to Totem hoop games again, which means a repeat of today with Elly. It should be fun, I'm excited!

XoKristen

What haven't I said before?

I think I may have learned something today. Just sitting here, and thinking. I think there is something amazing about life, and living in general. I have felt so caught up lately that It's like I've been living my life from within this bubble, and you just can';t do that.

I have found myself always predicting the future, thinking I know what's going to happen so I can prepare myself for it, but you simply can't. My head has been in the clouds these last couple days, not that its necessarily a bad thing. I know who I am or at least I know who I was, I'm just working on me right now. I feel like at the age that I'm at I have no idea what's going to come next. It takes people decades to find out who they really are. But at least I can catch a small glimpse of what that future might hold.

One thing I know for sure, I have to stop planning out my life and writing blueprints. The spontainious things in my life are the things that turned out well for me, things I wouldn't have expected. I still feel extremely caught up in Chris many times of the day. I miss the feeling of being loved by someone, I think it might just be because I feel like I'm deprived of my best friends. They all went to other schools. But time isn't a healer, it just leaves alot of time for thinking, and for putting things into perspective.

At the time being a new relationship seems as possible as flying myself to the moon. I keep trying to pick and choose people that I might be interested in because I want someone to help me through this. But my father always told me that you have to be happy on your own before your happy with someone else. Everything with Chris was great, because I was a very happy person before anything went anywhere with him. Right now I have someone that I think is intriguing to me, I just think it sucks that Chris keeps coming back into my head.

It's like a funeral to me. Relationships can't linger in that place of full of life, and being buried in the ground. What I'm doing with Chris, is trying to build an entirely different relationship with entirely different environmental factors out of something that was once this eye opener for me. You can't take what we had ,and change it entirely. I feel like I'm getting to know him all over again simply for the sake that he is such a dynamic person that I lose track. I can't say what I'm going to do, or plan the things i'm going to say. I can't even tell you that I am going to set us being friends in stone.

I just know that whatever happens, It's going to be a sad ending for me. I can only try to keep something going for so long. I realized my intentions within all of this were only there because I felt like there was always some hope that someday he would run back to me telling me he wanted to be with me. That's the honest truth. My efforts were built on that. This week, something just changed and I don't know what it is, but I don't feel like I need to make that unneccessary effort. My mom is and was right, i'm just hurting myself. Getting dumped feels like your getting told that your not good enough. I was already having those issues before he dumped me, and they seemed to magnitize. I am one of those people that when someone says I should go for someone I'll say "Naw, he's out of my league"

I just don't want regrets. I don't want him to have regrets. I want what we had to be remembered as being great and amazing, but that it just didn't work out. I want to feel deep down even when I'm old that my first 'love' (notice air quotes), was something fun and interesting and the boy will always be a great person in my mind. Granted, thats very hard to keep those thoughts pure in your head when that boy is running around doing things you would have never expected him too months before that, but I can't do anything. Mom is always telling me there is someone out there that will love me for exactly what I am. That day couldn't come soon enough but for now I need to do myself a favor and instead of filling that light on the horizon with a boy, I need to let that light be myself because I am really the only person that can make me happy. My mom said something to me last night when she was crying over Shawn and Gage moving out. She said she wanted to hear my opinion as I was just sitting there in silence because my youth apparently has the smartest things to say. I told her not to trust us, were dumb, were stupid, and were completely backwards.

I'm nervous for the future. I am well aware that this will most likely happen again to me, but I look forward to the next person I'll come to love. I am a strong believer of the saying "its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"

Right now, I'm happy. I'm content. I see the world through a neutral pair of glasses and I want to push myself to believe in the quote "it is what it is" I am scared for what will come my way next because face it, that's what the definition of life is. I feel like its even more true when it comes to be, I've been happy many times before and found out something that breaks my heart. I just have to keep my ears closed and my eyes open. I need to see things for myself.

I wanted to go on a rant about my day, but I kind of have that all lost out of me right now. I wanted to say a little speil about my insane Science Teacher Mr. Cochrane. But I'm too tired. I wanted to talk about going to Starbucks with Chris tomorrow, and my fears of why the manager of SportMart hasn't called me back yet. All these things I'm sure you can predict my thoughts. I'm pretty easy to read. That's most likely why boys don't go for me that often, I really seriously believe they love when girls play hard to get.

I guess I'll just have to become a little harder to obtain!
heh.

XoKristen

Neutral Thoughts...For once

If your wondering, this picture is not in any way relevant to my blog whatsoever. It's just Elly and I in Drama class, chillen on the stage...O.o

I'm kind of bored at the moment, but I'm very nonchalant. (Is that how you spell it?) I was surfing the Blogspot web, and every page i came across had a purpose. (Lots of blogs about parents and their newborn babies) Mine doesn't really have a purpose, The only thing I can think of is perhaps a portal into the teenage mind. I guess that's like a golden ticket for alot of adults. Not that I really have alot going on in my head...LOL.

So I was thinking, today I was in an extremely good mood. I feel like a liar when I say these things, partially because my days are so repetitive I don't really think about them that much. I don't put a label on my day, much until the time I get home. I am not looking forward to swimming tomorrow, but I guess it doesn't really matter. My hair is moderately disgusting, and my skin is breaking out. Chlorine is obviously just what I need. That was sarcasum. It will be nice to jump into that pool to rid myself of this hair-do, but other than that I am dreading it.

Of course after classes tomorrow my week will take a turn of ease. Thursday will be just any regular day B, but friday I am going to the totem hoop opening ceremonies at my school instead of going swimming, and then I am missing drama as well to go to the Totem Hoop. I'm not really sure I can tell you what Totem Hoop is, but I know it has something to do with basketball ceremonies. I know that it gets me out of swimming, so thats good enough!

I am going on a trip to Starbucks on Thursday with Chris for 'ten minutes' as he puts it because his mom has assigned him a babysitting job. I am kind of starting to hate him, like i've mentioned before. But I am finding that less and less do I ever think about him, or being with him. It's not something thats screwed into my mind anymore. I miss him still, like everyday, but I don't yearn for him. Does that make sense but not sound creepy at all?

Yeah it sounds creepy. Whatever! It snowed today. And I think this time it's going to stay. I hate Edmonton sometimes. It was really hot outside for two months, maximum. It started getting chilly in August. And I laugh when I shiver in this weather, its been like -4 degrees area. Which is nothing to the near -40 it got to last year. And higher! I will kill myself when it gets to that temperature.

As well, I think I have a new crush interest. It's too early to tell, but it's someone thats caught my attention. I was talking to Elly on facebook not long ago about quirks, and this boy has a few that intrigue me. (I sound like Rebecca!) I just like the fact that someone outside my regular bubble of friends is catching my eye. I hate the drama. I was thinking about it today on the bus ride home how much I loathe drama and I try my hardest to avoid it but its like it follows me. Really, I don't want anything to do with Chris and Sarah at this point.

I'm tired though, I got in a more of a writing mood just sitting here, so be thankful you got a few of my thoughts down in this little text box. I am going to go and sleep now and hide my face underneath the blankets. (I'm breaking out kinda badly atm)

XoKristen