1 am 1n5an3

I'm going to start off this blog on a happy and strange note for once. First of all, I have had a better day than the last few. I am also going to say that I love Alyssa, and the battle she seems to fight for me. It's great to know that someone's around that would be willing to put themself in front of a bus for me If I had ever run in front of one. (Well that's kind of a stupid analogy since we would both die...)

Anyways, I have a huge smile plastered on my face because of Alyssa's blog. It's great to know that I'm cared about. I hate how my 'issue' right now is supposed to be a secret. I want to blog about it and tell Alyssa, but I don't think she'd believe it. It's actually crazy that this happened. But at the same time I am glad that because of my recent physco facebook statuses people have been messaging me, people I didn't think ever would be worried about me, are. It's nice. Sometimes I forget there are people out there who would fight a battle for me. And I would do the same for them.

The past few days I have felt like I'm torturing myself. It's been terrible to say the least. It's even worse because I don't even have the short end of the stick. Those two other people do. And I am even more fearful of going back to school now, because my 'secret' is bound to get out. And people are going to hate me. To put it bluntly. I am so scared shitless to face Elly. I really let everyone down this time. She said so much to me that really smartened me up and made me feel bad for doing this. I really feel bad.

I don't mind the facebook messages though. I know pretty soon they'll start changing into insulting long messages about what a whore I am. I saw three new messages in my inbox today and almost shit a brick. I was so certain it would be the hate mail starting, but luckily it was just a few people who are worried about me and care. This really awesome guy from work named Mike left me a little message saying "If you need me to take care of anything...or anyone, I'm there. I look out for my co-workers. Peace"

I'll leave out the part where I laughed out loud when I read this. It makes my heart swell that some guy I barely know will look out for me. Well, he's one I know that won't be sending me hate messages anytime soon. Along with Alyssa. I'm still scared of Facebook though. This has been a terrible Christmas break. Part of me wants school to come so I can get past these days that seem to drone on forever and leave way to many gaps for me to think, but at the same time I might just pee my pants when I get back to school. It will be one of those moments where I feel like everyone is looking at me.

At work today was alot better than yesterday. I didn't lock myself in the nasty staff bathroom and cry. I just stayed on the floor and acted like a complete physco in front of Melissa. Not only did I let her in on my 'pranks', I also sang along to music I didn't know and climbed up the ladders for no apparent reason just to 'spy' on the customers. I had a mischevious moment, where I had been thinking of Bella Swan in New Moon and how being rebellious made her feel free from her past. I have decided that I need to buy a motorcycle and crash it, or go cliff diving. Because this surveying customers from a ladder thing isn't really working.

There was one point where I took all the scanners and put tape over the mouth of them where the laser comes out and then wrote on the tape little messages like "Owned" and "haha" and then set them down. The point of my prank was that when you tried to scan items it wouldn't work because of the writing. So you'd turn the thing over, and see the word "owned" and most likely you'd accidently hit the laser button and itd shine in your eyes and you;d look like a complete fool. I had a laugh attack for about 20 minutes after that discovery, and when I left for my break I was hysterically laughing down the street and looking in all the shops like a physco. I just am insane. There isn't a thing I can do about it.

But I just had a realization all over again, and now the funny is gone. I am so fucked. I fucked so many peoples lives up omg! I don't know what I'm going to do. I have no idea what's going to happen. A couple nights ago we were 'bestfriends', but oh I royally fucked that up. Blahblahblahblahblah.

I have nothing else to say about this, er, well I do. But its along the lines of I'm stupid, I should die, and that I am fucking gay. Nothing really quite positive. People can say that I am wrong, but they only say that until they find out what I did. Then they get disappointed. It was a terrible thing. I am a terrible terrible human being.

Anyways, Tomorrow is New Years Eve. I am going to a party with Lisa. I am actually excited. I haven't really gotten out lately, if staying in my house and making drinks and smoking weed in my room counts as getting out. (it doesn't) So I am going to hit up a party with her. I miss her alot actually, I am planning on telling her all about my hugemongous secret. Hopefully she won't hit me. I just need to hear people that love me tell me that it's going to be okay. I just need to hear that. Hopefully I will get super drunk and forget all about my stupid life. (I'm just kidding, my life could be worse)

I still find it ironic that I continue to feel like the victim here. I am a seriously backwards person.

Anyways, I am also trying to make plans with my old friend Carson from Westmin. He is the essence of Westminster. Seeing him is like my heart swelters with memories and things that I miss. It's kind of hard, but at the same time its not. I was in love with him for like, all of grade eight, but I got over it and he got over thinking I was a complete retard (because I acted like one in grade 8), and now he is actually interested in spending time with me. The one thing about Carson is that he is completely lost inside, but he makes me feel found for the small amount of time I spend with him. He's just a breath of fresh air. No stress. We act insane when we hang out though, the last time I saw him was when He, Keltyn and I walked to Red Robins from Steeps and Carson and I were going off the entire time about random jokes and things that made no sense.

I miss them. Hopefully I'll see him though. I don't work again for a week. It's going to be hard having so much time on my hands. I won't be able to pull pranks for a week. That'll kill me. Work is a good distraction although I'm not the greatest employee on this planet. I'm borderline useless. The whole pranking bit and drawing pictures of SportMart while people are trying to buy items. (What can I say the paper they had was so fluorescent! It was just calling to me!) *Sigh* I'm crazy.

As well, Chris told me today that I was forbid to see him. I don't know if he was serious, but who could blame him. I fucked up. I need school and work. Actually, thinking of getting back to school and working at the same time and having Cheer back up and homework piling, it makes me happy. Because it will leave me barely any time at all to think about anything. I will be so busy with school, Cheer, work. It excites me. I don't like thinking. I don't like lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. It makes me cry.

I'm sad.