Another day, same thoughts.

Fuck, I feel so bad. Sorry isn't even enough of a word to what I owe those two people. I can't believe I let this happen! I am in such a rotten state of mind right now. I am terrified to go back to school. I made friends with Elly and I feel like I let not only her down but the entire world. I can't fix this. Yesterday and Sunday I thought I could. I thought with pulling a few strings I could put everything back to the way it was supposed to be.

I can't do it, I have royally fucked these peoples lives. It's not going back to normal. Just picturing her in her room crying over it makes me feel like killing myself. I can't believe after all the pain she caused me I let myself cause the same kind of pain, if not more, on her. I feel disgusting and dirty and horrible. I don't even understand what I was thinking. That's the rotten part about me, I never think about anything until after the fact. When its already too late. What am I going to do? I'm terrified of the thought of going back to school. I can't make this right. I can't picture my life with this shadow following me. I can't even tell my best friends, it's not something to be proud of. I have done the worst thing you can possibly do and at the time I was okay with it.

I feel like getting her number. Apologizing. I feel like I'm not going to feel any better until she hurts me back. Like tag. I can't bear this, I have ruined their lives. I have a small plan forming in my head, but it looks very dangerous from down here and I still don't think I should get involved even though its my fault. What am I supposed to do? I don't know what I'm doing...

I have to work again today. I'm scared of that too. Lately I've felt myself warming up to the people at my work. I'm chill around them all now, I don't stand there with nothing to do anymore. There's always something to do. But I don't feel like I'm improving. I hate asking people for help there. Being an employee means your supposed to be able to help out and I'm always getting customers coming to me and I nod and bullshit them and then say "Hold on one second I'll get someone to help you" It's kind of stressful. I also never know who I'm on shift with. I like working with certain people, and others not so much because they talk condescendingly towards me. The good thing about work is that when its busy my mind is completely focused on climbing those stupid ladders, and doing math in my head at the Till, and folding clothes. But I get so anxious when the store clears out and dies down. Thats when I start thinking, and the faint radio station playing in the backround whilst I fold clothes just catches up to me and I feel like crying.

It's not good. I can't escape my head. I can't escape what I've down. It's revolting to think that I wanted this. Or I thought I wanted this. The good part is that I still have a conscience. The bad part, is that my conscience is killing me. Talking to Elly, I felt like the biggest idiot ever. She asked me what I was thinking, I told her I wasn't. It's funny, It's the truth. When someone says that you feel like hitting them, saying "You must have been thinking about something" I wasn't. I wasn't thinking about anything but my own selfish mind. I can't believe I let it happen. It hurts even more to think about how much regret the other person must have. How long I've wanted something like that to mean something.

Fuck this is a thousand times worse than ever getting dumped. Well, maybe not completely but at least I knew then that I couldn't have done anything to change my demise. This time I just broke peoples hearts into a million shattering pieces. I can't live with myself. Looking in the mirror I just cringe. I am a disgusting person.

I really am.