Fuck.

I kinda screwd myself over again. I don't know what to do, I don't know why I let myself get into these situations that are more or less easy to avoid. I guess in this case though I REALLY wanted it. I just don't know where to go from here. I had been so sure of my future a few days ago. I had been so sure of the relationship 'status' and just my own feelings. It's all out on the line again. It's going straight to hell. It's fucking messed more than I can fix it and this time my feelings are alot stronger because I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't tell people, I can't even tell alot of my close friends. I would get killed.

I think because of it i'm on edge way more than I usually am. My mom gave me heck today because everytime Shawn mentions she gets manipulated by me she feels the need to ask me to do a chore for her because she wants to feel like she is the boss. I declined because Im a little angsty child and she screamed at me saying things like "What do you ever do for me?!" I told her to ignore me. I told her "I'm just a kid, I'm fucked! I don't know what I'm saying!" And she got really mad and told me she wasn't going to give Morgan a ride over here. Asshole. She always makes promises she can't keep and then puts on a show later because she changed her mind. (She was never going to do it in the first place)

So I took these sticky notes and wrote "Asshole" And "retard" and stuff like that on them and stuck them around my kitchen for her to discover. I'm such an asshole I don't even understand. I really want to be a good person but lately I have no morals whatsoever and no judgement and I just basically fuck up peoples lives. One more person couldn't hurt. I don't know how to say this without giving even a little bit of a hint away. I'm just so scared for my well being right now. And like three other peoples. Well...two. I don't want to be this fucking person but I want to be happy. And I know what I want, er, or who.

Great Christmas break. I'm losing my mind. Im a terrible person I see no end to any of this. What am I going to do.