Ho Ho Ho.

Here I am, saturday night. Sitting in my loft with my T-bird sweats and my lovely greasy hair. I feel disgusting. I'm kind of in a bad mood, depends how you look at it. Good news is that it's finally the holidays. I mean, i'm barely excited about that. I shopped at the mall all day yesterday and spend over 200 dollars on my friends and other people. Then I worked until 9:30. Today I just wasted away on my couch eating blizzards and nachos.

I just realized today after watching three movies and Britney Spears: For the record, I feel like just surrendering to the world for once in my life and just admit defeat. There was a quote today in one of the movies I watched 'The SisterHood of The Travelling Pants'. It was near the ending when Tibby finally went back to Brian and he looked at her solemnly and said "Not everyone you love is going to leave you" She said between tears "I know that now" I'll be the first one to tell you that I started cryin during that scene.

It's not realy because I'm dramatic and I related it to my own life, but because its so rare that people find everlasting love in this world, it's devastating. My dad tells me so often he's done with this dating game. He told me if it doesn't work out with his current girlfriend, he's giving up because theres no point. He's dated so many women and none of them have worked out. I can tell you that I won't be able to handle more then 10 breakups. I can barely get over this one, and everyday I just come to more and more realizations about the things I'm doing wrong.

First of all, I haven't let myself let go of him completely. Which keeps me coming back to him trying to make friendship, trying to make him think I'm a genuine person who wants to be in his life to help him when really all i want is a second chance. I'm not afraid to admit that. I will tell you that my head knows that there will never be another 'us', but my little stupid heart still thinks its worth trying for. My logic knows its not.

I honestly just don't know what I'm doing anymore. This isn't going away, it doesn't even seem to be getting any easier and I still just feel like melting everytime I get a hug goodbye. It's messed up because the feelings aren't even necessarily there anymore. It's like, I don't really like him, I like the idea of him and everything we were and it drives me nuts when I try to put everything into perspective for myself just to protect myself.

It's insane. I can't handle school, I can't handle seeing him, I can't handle hearing about her. Fuck I'm just setting myself up for problems, I really am. I was texting him today, about his Christmas gift and everything. I went all out, I regret it. Today I was almost close to telling my dad to take me to the mall to return his gift. Honestly, he's a good person, but he's done nothing but treat me like dirt these last few months. And that's just jist of it. I don't want to be waiting around anymore just to be spit on. So not worth it. I know I probably won't even see him before Christmas and I'll end up resistant to just dropping it off because I'll want him to thank me for it and swoon over how great I am because I want to be great in his eyes.

Fuck, I just fail so much. Even with this belly button piercing thing I laugh because it's not me. Its just who I want myself to become. The blonde hair. I'm even set on it getting blonder after the New Year when I make some money. I'm set on becoming good at Cheerleading, I'm set on being a good dancer, being fit. Just all these things that aren't who I am or who I ever thought I was. I'm trying so hard for what I tell everynoe is just myself but its not. I am completely lost, I am completely backwards and no matter how hard I try to tell myself I'm okay, tell myself I'm wise I'm not. Because I don't know what I'm doing. 2008 is coming to an end. In less than a week this entire year will just be a distant thought in my head, something I'll be reminded of everyday that I'm not getting back and I feel stupid because everyday I either feel like crying and giving up, or fighting back for someone who was never mine to begin with.

I'm so lost. Im not afraid to admit that I need help. This Christmas break is going to be agony for me. Just because of my own selfishness. I can't stand my feelings, my head. I'm insane. I have lost my mind. Chris doesn't even respond when I tell him I want to give him his gift. And its because it doesn't fucking matter.

Bella Swan once said "Death is easy. Fast. Living is the hard part, the part that takes courage"

Fuck it.

XoKristen