"I can be your hero"

You know, I think I partially figured it out. The whole 'i'm always here for you thing'. It's the same line of bullshit I always feed everybody. It really is bullshit. I'm never doing it for them. I do it for me. For my own pleasure, success. Because I have always wanted to be everyones hero. And I can't.

I'm not going to name too many people, but I had a friend whose name rhymes with Spaniel, and the times he was down I gave it all I had to try and help him. It wasn't just because I cared about him, course that played a huge role, but I just wanted him to look back on me and smile at how much I Cared and say that I really mattered. He has, but afterwhile you have to know that you can't save everybody.

I am trying to be Chris' superhero. I try my best to get him to think I'm this amazing girl with great advice and ways to cheer people up. And I'm not. And I just realized how hard I try to better my own self. If I could, I would be there for anybody that needed a friend. But fuck, I can't do it. I'm just a selfish little girl who can't even handle her own teen angst much less other peoples. My 'friend' is going insane right now and I feel like I'm going insane too.

I told Chris at starbucks today that being normal to me just means having consistent moods. It sounded pretty legit when I said it, and I believe it. Being a teenager, you can't be normal. One day you feel like the sky could open up above you and send down angels, and other days its as if dying would just be a quick solution. Everything is amplified, and its as if everyone is against you. Everyone is on 'their' side. Its really hard. As much as people have always said they're there for me, I always still feel like I'm alone. And I realize now that saying something to someone, trying to be all wise and then getting a response like 'thanks...' then getting angry with them for not accepting my help is completely ridiculous.

Fuck, dad doesn't lie when he says these are the defining years. Its so hard. This whole finding yourself bit. Half the time I just want to hold the people I see in pain and just make them let me cradle them in my arms so I can tell them that its just a part of life and everyone goes through it and the whole point of living is to make it out on a goodnote and its just this bogus test and you will get through it with my help. Thats just what I want to say. I wish I could. I wish I could have some kind of impact on people. I really fucking care.

XoKristen