I fail at life!

Dude life can be so gay sometimes. I fucking hate drama. No, not the class. The fucking existance of it. I feel like my life is going through this loop that I have no fucking desire to be in. I am a nobody, I always have and I feel like I always should be. The fact that I am suddenly becoming an object to be talked about is fucked. I fucking hate fuck. I can't even say the name. I am just sick you know? I want to be me, I want to have my friends and I want to have a carefree time. Everyone wants me to fall on my face.

I guess I should probably explain further but I don't want to. Basically I just ran into Sarah today while I was at Starbucks with Chris. It's stupid because I am just tired of seeing her name and hearing her name everywhere. I see her fucking name in my sleep. I want nothing more right now then to move away to the Southside or something because every teen in West Edmonton has a link to someone I know.

I just needed to get that out of my system. I got my belly button pierced last night, I can't stop lifting up my shirt and glancing at it. It is definitely a beaut. It's not even red, its not sore, and its not any other gross color under the rainbow. So far so good. I have heard way to many stories about infections and shiz, and If I can I will prevent all likelihood of that and stay sexy! Lol, I have to admit I do feel like I have a tad bit more sex appeal, or as much as you can being fifteen.

On another goodish note, School is out for two weeks! Christmas break! I can';t believe its Christmas break already. We are nearly halfway through our first year of highschool. I'm so surprised we made it this far. I'm sad because alot of things are disapearing with 2008. Alot of things I'd rather hold onto forever. Im just a big dramatic suck, and I have to get used to living in this prison/jailcell I call my head. I asked Chris once if with time this uncertainty in your head goes away and you become an adult, or rather it just stays there and you learn to get used to it.

hmm. We have few deep talks, but I guess that may be one on the list. I can't complain though. I am a happy person. I have no self confidence issues you know, I love the few friends that I have at most times of the day. I just wish I could find some kind of answer out there that would let me know that I'm going to get through this and come out okay. That's all. I just want confirmation. I want someone to be there for me and even though I know so many people are I guess I am just warming up to the fact that I'm on my own in this world. Even if i were married, I'd be alone. No one can control anything in your life but you and I've always been one to realize that I'm in control. I've always been a good thinker to be able to think myself out of certain emotions. But I guess in doing that I never think about my fuckign actions. that's one of my biggest flaws. I never fucking think.

So the one conclusion that I can make is that life is hard. But I think I'm doing a pretty decent job all things considering. I'm moderately proud of the way I have handled life these past couple of months. I feel a little worthless and unimportant but these things will happen more than once. It doesn't sound to reassuring, but thats life. Things will happen that are a hundred times worse then a little teenage girl getting her heart broken by an insignificant teenage boy.

Whatever!
Writing this blog has cheered me up a bit actually. I'm excited because in a bit I am leaving for cheer to get my cheer practice uniforms, (hopefully, I will be really disappointed if they dont show up), and then HOPEFULLY i will get to show off my belly ring that I wear with so much pride. LOL. I showed Chris today, it was awkward. But then again, alot of stuff about my day today was fucking awkward as shit.

Like when I ran up to my old childhood friend Maddie who works at London drugs and I havent seen her in months and I gave her my life story about how I was with my ex boyfriend and how he ran into Sarah and how I was now running and how I wanted to kill myself and then she looked a little confused as to why I was telling her, said 'aw' and then gave me a hug.

I fail.

XoKristen