I loathe myself.

One good thing about being fucking insane, is that your mood wavers so much that sometimes your so miserable your happy. I am one of those people that gets distracted and is acting completely fine and then two seconds later I feel like curling up in a ball and crying.

I don't know what to do. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Fuck. I'm actually so confused and hurt and lost. People mean so much to me and I let them in my life and then they fuck me over and I still run back to them. I am not a strong person. I am not a person who has respect for herself. I was thinking today how I'm going to start taking more shifts at work and just overwork myself and make a whole bunch of money because work does a pretty decent job of keeping my mind busy.

Except for today not as much. I was texting Chris and went to the washroom and just started crying and when I was up at the till and helping customers tears would be silently rolling down my face. I think I worried some of them. I think Colin thinks I'm insane. I was sitting on a ladder like 12 feet up in the air with my head in my hands. I told him I was going to jump. I was thinking about it.

The future is so scary. I am so scared. I opened my little stupid black heart open again. I let it get ripped all over again. I am such a naive little breakable person. I let people get inside my head. I overthink things. I can't believe this happened all over again. I'm actually in shock. You know when you want something so bad? Everytime you sit down your on the edge of your seat just waiting and anticipating that moment because it will change everything? And then one day, it happens. Instead of being happy you feel like an asshole for wishing that kind of pain on someone.

You feel like you could take back that wish. You feel dirty and stupid. I can't believe myself. I really can't. I can't believe who i've become. I mean, I don't even know who that is. My nose has been running so much I think it actually fossilized underneath my nose. It's like its own natural multipurpose nose plug. I can't go anywhere without reminiscing. I can't do anything but cry because I want to be important so much. I can't believe I not only wrecked my first months of highshool but I also wrecked my Christmas break and wrecked two other peoples lives. I could have stopped it. I didn't have to give in.

And I really didn't need to let Miley Cyrus's "The seven things I hate about you" Song play in my room just to let me collapse on the floor and sob. I didn't need that either. I don't know what to do. I think I might actually be suicidal. I hate myself. I loathe myself.

This world would be a better place without me.