I'm gone now

You know, It'd be nice to be able to just feel like every weight thats ever been dropped on your shoulders was completely gone. It seems these days I have so many issues and they're huge issues to me. I can't take this. It's Christmas break. I've had a small bit of fun but overall I feel like breaking down and crying.

This is actually ridiculous. How I let myself appear to be the bad guy just so someone who doesn't give a shit about their actions can be happy. I am sacrificing my happiness towards two people. One who doesn't know any better and the other who just wants to be forgiven. It's fucking gay. I can feel myself sliding back into a dark hole all over again. I feel like im in this dark secluded box and the longer the time drags out the darker and harder to breath it gets.

I told him that I don't even feel like I have a heart left to break anymore. I've been pissed on so many times it's just not worth it. I'm like 75% sure now that Chris is going to leave me. That we can't even survive this as friends. I have just dug myself a hole, acted like a complete idiot, and caused myself to lose someone thats important to me. Something that no one understands but I guess I was meant to be alone anyways. I'm meant to feel broken. I haven't felt free in so long I just can't wait until the day that I can finally breath again. I haven't smiled genuinely in too long. I can't keep secrets like this within myself. Even when the secrets get leaked, their still false. They're still lies. Everything I know now is a complete messed up lie. And everything that might mean something gets diminished because its not allowed and because I'm not good enough.

I am a completely worthless human being. I miss happiness. I miss being able to stop and just glance at the blue sky, to love the music coming from my earphones, I miss the genuine love I used to feel for the world around me. I'm still so intrigued by it, but it keeps letting me down. Keeps finding reasons for me to fall. And it's not fair. I am a prisoner in my own mind and no matter how many people try to be there for me I can't accept it because I know I don't deserve it. I deserve to be alone.

It's one thing for one person that you really love to be broken into a thousand peices and you want to believe so badly that its because of you and maybe somehow you play a factor in their happiness. But then everything is fixed with her and suddenly your just another name, another person in this life of millions.

All of my friends are trying so hard to get through to me. Morgan slept over last night and ever since noon today I have been wallowing in my own self pity because I hate myself that much and feel sorry for myself that much. I got out of the shower today and laid on the bathroom floor crying. I don't know how long its been since I cried for that long and that hard. My eyes still feel tender from it. I know im annoying Morgan, shes trying to help, trying to be there for me but I shoo her away, tell her its nothing.

My friend Matt from work is trying to get me to come to a movie with him. He has it all planned out and were going to have a good time and everything. But I can't get over myself. I appreciate everyone but like in the New Moon book I just finished reading, Bella always talks about the hole in her chest, the hypothetical hole. Thats how I feel. No one can fill it but the person who caused it. And I am a lost cause right now. I feel good for the fact that he's happy and that I sacrificed my dignity to take the blame for something that wasn't my fault but what can I do?

Everyone thats currently in my current life reminds me of grade ten and how different my life is. Elly is so angry with me and the rest of them don't understand. I'm freaking out trying to find people in my life that remind me of grade nine, desperately trying to make plans with them to bring that lifestyle back. Pain was just a mere jab to the heart then. My heart is fucking gone now. I am a useless being, a stupid bag of flesh. I hate myself. I really hate myself. Where have my morals gone?

Where have I gone.