The sky is a bitch

Boy, I had a very frusterating day today. I'm not even entirely sure why. It was probably a combination of terribly cold fucking weather and the amount of homework I hadn't yet completed. Or maybe I just wanted another reason to be mad at the world. I'm sort of like that lately. Trying to find some reason to be pissed off. It's not good, but at the same time my life seems so fucking stupid sometimes.

So I guess the morning was good, La just flew by since I just had a little exam. I don't think I did very well, but I'm not very worried about my language arts mark. In gym we had swimming again, and I got out of it because I told her I forgot my stuff. Which was partly true. I just don't know what excuse I'm going to think up for Wednesday. I'm not getting my belly button pierced until Wednesday evening and I'm working tomorrow evening.

I started becoming pissed off around lunch time. I guess I just feel moderately trapped in Shep. It's hard to explain, thats why I usually don't try to. The only people that I know that I don't feel like their draining my life away from me is like Lisa and Rebecca. The rest of the people, and all the people Ive met are just these shadows and aquantances, (I cant spell), and people i see between class that are polite and genuine but nothing else.

I'm very impatient. Infact, I knew this was going to happen. THat I would be wanting new bestfriends the minute I met new people. I just feel so completely trapped in my world, I was so excited to be friends with Elly, but her and I don't really talk anymore, it was a short lived best friend ship. She's chillen with Sarah on Friday, i guess their friends again. She hasn't said anything to me about it really. I just want that whole crowd to go away. Really, everytime I hear her name its like a dagger to the heart. I want a crew, and a crowd. I just realized I'm used to having a group of friends and now I don't. I have stragglers.

I just feel trapped by my mind. I feel like there is no way for me to get away from Chris and Sarah. Now at least I laugh when I think about all the tears that I let fall. Honestly, I am such a drama queen. Dad doesn;t lie when he says teenagers are the most self absorbed, self centered creatures on the planet. The one thing on my mind twenty four seven is me. My pain, my hurt, my broken heart. Blah, Blah blah. It's getting old, really, even to me. But I'm at the point where I haven't been happy and just felt like I was carrying nothing on my shoulders for so long that I don't really know how.

Overall, I don't really give a shit about much. I'm at the point where there is nothing else that's happened to me to pick apart and anaylize every single detail. I've cried over every possible thing to cry over. I have been upset about everything I possibly could. If I were asked to cry right now, I couldn't. I have cried myself dry. It's sad really, but I have been SO busy these last couple days and I have a feeling it's going to be like this for the next little while with work and all. I'm working tomorrow night, kinda sucky. I think sooner or later I'm going to have to learn the proper way to use that damned cash register. I fear it so much. And Customers. They scare the shit out of me.

I'll just keep to myself, and to the floor. I'll watch people at the cash register. I'm actually quite surprised at myself and the easy nature of how natural I am around the other employees. Sure, I feel like a huge pain in their ass, asking them every single thing I possibly could. But can you blame me? I haven't been shown how to do a single thing, I've had to ask everyone. It's like throwing me into the jungle to see if I can fuckcing survive.

Anyways as of right now I have a few things to look forward to. I'm going to get my belly button pierced on Wednesday. Then Thursday I'm going to Starbucks with Chris, and at Cheer we are hopefully (cross your fingers), getting our practice uniforms. I'll be extremely happy if we do. Then Friday, I just decided I'm not going to go to school and instead will go to the mall with Lisa, early as possible to buy everyones finishing touches on their christmas gifts. Then I have to work Friday night, which is gay. I figured if I worked friday I wouldn't have to work Saturday, which would be nice. But I have a feeling I will be working both days, which decently sucks. But LOTS of cash for Kristen. :D

So thats pretty much the breakdown of my week. I hate the weather though, you will hear me complaining about that more and more often. I am so pissed off at the sky, every fucking day when the temperature drops like 30 degrees its like a kick in the face to me that summer is just that much farther away. I can't fucking get over the summer, it's actually driving me mad. The other evening my mom was talking to me about something and I said "Oh yeah that reminds me of the summertime..." And she laughed and said "Kristen get over it!" And I sat at the table and said "What the fuck am I saying? It's december, fucking december Kristen!" And my mom just kind of stood there smirking.

I mean really. It's December. DECEMBER! There are like 20 inches of snow and ice on the ground, and the temperature high is -22. Summer is gone, vamoosed. The day I get over those fun times is the day I won't need to text Chris 800 times a day to reassure myself he's not going anywhere. Except, he probably is going to stop talking to me sooner or later. This friends after breakup thing is just a big pain in my ass. It gets easier, but until it stops being so painful I don't know how much longer I'm going to try.

Fuuuuuuuck.

XoKristen.