I think I may have learned something today. Just sitting here, and thinking. I think there is something amazing about life, and living in general. I have felt so caught up lately that It's like I've been living my life from within this bubble, and you just can';t do that.
I have found myself always predicting the future, thinking I know what's going to happen so I can prepare myself for it, but you simply can't. My head has been in the clouds these last couple days, not that its necessarily a bad thing. I know who I am or at least I know who I was, I'm just working on me right now. I feel like at the age that I'm at I have no idea what's going to come next. It takes people decades to find out who they really are. But at least I can catch a small glimpse of what that future might hold.
One thing I know for sure, I have to stop planning out my life and writing blueprints. The spontainious things in my life are the things that turned out well for me, things I wouldn't have expected. I still feel extremely caught up in Chris many times of the day. I miss the feeling of being loved by someone, I think it might just be because I feel like I'm deprived of my best friends. They all went to other schools. But time isn't a healer, it just leaves alot of time for thinking, and for putting things into perspective.
At the time being a new relationship seems as possible as flying myself to the moon. I keep trying to pick and choose people that I might be interested in because I want someone to help me through this. But my father always told me that you have to be happy on your own before your happy with someone else. Everything with Chris was great, because I was a very happy person before anything went anywhere with him. Right now I have someone that I think is intriguing to me, I just think it sucks that Chris keeps coming back into my head.
It's like a funeral to me. Relationships can't linger in that place of full of life, and being buried in the ground. What I'm doing with Chris, is trying to build an entirely different relationship with entirely different environmental factors out of something that was once this eye opener for me. You can't take what we had ,and change it entirely. I feel like I'm getting to know him all over again simply for the sake that he is such a dynamic person that I lose track. I can't say what I'm going to do, or plan the things i'm going to say. I can't even tell you that I am going to set us being friends in stone.
I just know that whatever happens, It's going to be a sad ending for me. I can only try to keep something going for so long. I realized my intentions within all of this were only there because I felt like there was always some hope that someday he would run back to me telling me he wanted to be with me. That's the honest truth. My efforts were built on that. This week, something just changed and I don't know what it is, but I don't feel like I need to make that unneccessary effort. My mom is and was right, i'm just hurting myself. Getting dumped feels like your getting told that your not good enough. I was already having those issues before he dumped me, and they seemed to magnitize. I am one of those people that when someone says I should go for someone I'll say "Naw, he's out of my league"
I just don't want regrets. I don't want him to have regrets. I want what we had to be remembered as being great and amazing, but that it just didn't work out. I want to feel deep down even when I'm old that my first 'love' (notice air quotes), was something fun and interesting and the boy will always be a great person in my mind. Granted, thats very hard to keep those thoughts pure in your head when that boy is running around doing things you would have never expected him too months before that, but I can't do anything. Mom is always telling me there is someone out there that will love me for exactly what I am. That day couldn't come soon enough but for now I need to do myself a favor and instead of filling that light on the horizon with a boy, I need to let that light be myself because I am really the only person that can make me happy. My mom said something to me last night when she was crying over Shawn and Gage moving out. She said she wanted to hear my opinion as I was just sitting there in silence because my youth apparently has the smartest things to say. I told her not to trust us, were dumb, were stupid, and were completely backwards.
I'm nervous for the future. I am well aware that this will most likely happen again to me, but I look forward to the next person I'll come to love. I am a strong believer of the saying "its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"
Right now, I'm happy. I'm content. I see the world through a neutral pair of glasses and I want to push myself to believe in the quote "it is what it is" I am scared for what will come my way next because face it, that's what the definition of life is. I feel like its even more true when it comes to be, I've been happy many times before and found out something that breaks my heart. I just have to keep my ears closed and my eyes open. I need to see things for myself.
I wanted to go on a rant about my day, but I kind of have that all lost out of me right now. I wanted to say a little speil about my insane Science Teacher Mr. Cochrane. But I'm too tired. I wanted to talk about going to Starbucks with Chris tomorrow, and my fears of why the manager of SportMart hasn't called me back yet. All these things I'm sure you can predict my thoughts. I'm pretty easy to read. That's most likely why boys don't go for me that often, I really seriously believe they love when girls play hard to get.
I guess I'll just have to become a little harder to obtain!
heh.
XoKristen
I have found myself always predicting the future, thinking I know what's going to happen so I can prepare myself for it, but you simply can't. My head has been in the clouds these last couple days, not that its necessarily a bad thing. I know who I am or at least I know who I was, I'm just working on me right now. I feel like at the age that I'm at I have no idea what's going to come next. It takes people decades to find out who they really are. But at least I can catch a small glimpse of what that future might hold.
One thing I know for sure, I have to stop planning out my life and writing blueprints. The spontainious things in my life are the things that turned out well for me, things I wouldn't have expected. I still feel extremely caught up in Chris many times of the day. I miss the feeling of being loved by someone, I think it might just be because I feel like I'm deprived of my best friends. They all went to other schools. But time isn't a healer, it just leaves alot of time for thinking, and for putting things into perspective.
At the time being a new relationship seems as possible as flying myself to the moon. I keep trying to pick and choose people that I might be interested in because I want someone to help me through this. But my father always told me that you have to be happy on your own before your happy with someone else. Everything with Chris was great, because I was a very happy person before anything went anywhere with him. Right now I have someone that I think is intriguing to me, I just think it sucks that Chris keeps coming back into my head.
It's like a funeral to me. Relationships can't linger in that place of full of life, and being buried in the ground. What I'm doing with Chris, is trying to build an entirely different relationship with entirely different environmental factors out of something that was once this eye opener for me. You can't take what we had ,and change it entirely. I feel like I'm getting to know him all over again simply for the sake that he is such a dynamic person that I lose track. I can't say what I'm going to do, or plan the things i'm going to say. I can't even tell you that I am going to set us being friends in stone.
I just know that whatever happens, It's going to be a sad ending for me. I can only try to keep something going for so long. I realized my intentions within all of this were only there because I felt like there was always some hope that someday he would run back to me telling me he wanted to be with me. That's the honest truth. My efforts were built on that. This week, something just changed and I don't know what it is, but I don't feel like I need to make that unneccessary effort. My mom is and was right, i'm just hurting myself. Getting dumped feels like your getting told that your not good enough. I was already having those issues before he dumped me, and they seemed to magnitize. I am one of those people that when someone says I should go for someone I'll say "Naw, he's out of my league"
I just don't want regrets. I don't want him to have regrets. I want what we had to be remembered as being great and amazing, but that it just didn't work out. I want to feel deep down even when I'm old that my first 'love' (notice air quotes), was something fun and interesting and the boy will always be a great person in my mind. Granted, thats very hard to keep those thoughts pure in your head when that boy is running around doing things you would have never expected him too months before that, but I can't do anything. Mom is always telling me there is someone out there that will love me for exactly what I am. That day couldn't come soon enough but for now I need to do myself a favor and instead of filling that light on the horizon with a boy, I need to let that light be myself because I am really the only person that can make me happy. My mom said something to me last night when she was crying over Shawn and Gage moving out. She said she wanted to hear my opinion as I was just sitting there in silence because my youth apparently has the smartest things to say. I told her not to trust us, were dumb, were stupid, and were completely backwards.
I'm nervous for the future. I am well aware that this will most likely happen again to me, but I look forward to the next person I'll come to love. I am a strong believer of the saying "its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"
Right now, I'm happy. I'm content. I see the world through a neutral pair of glasses and I want to push myself to believe in the quote "it is what it is" I am scared for what will come my way next because face it, that's what the definition of life is. I feel like its even more true when it comes to be, I've been happy many times before and found out something that breaks my heart. I just have to keep my ears closed and my eyes open. I need to see things for myself.
I wanted to go on a rant about my day, but I kind of have that all lost out of me right now. I wanted to say a little speil about my insane Science Teacher Mr. Cochrane. But I'm too tired. I wanted to talk about going to Starbucks with Chris tomorrow, and my fears of why the manager of SportMart hasn't called me back yet. All these things I'm sure you can predict my thoughts. I'm pretty easy to read. That's most likely why boys don't go for me that often, I really seriously believe they love when girls play hard to get.
I guess I'll just have to become a little harder to obtain!
heh.
XoKristen
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