Short Update.

It was a lovely day in Edmonton today. At least, as lovely as it can be in the final days of October. School days have been going by quick as they can, and I'm trying to immerse myself in the classes knowing that I am nearly halfway through my courses. After school Lisa and I decided to bus to the Halloween Spirit store and the mall to find some sort of costume that we could wear for Halloween night.

It was sunny, and although we missed our period of orange leaves thanks to an early snow, it was still warm and somewhat beautiful. I got to see Chris for a few minutes on the bus, just to hug him and see how high on dope he was. It's almost starting to be a concern, if his eyes aren't bloodshot red I almost need to ask him if somethings wrong. Oh well.

And I didn't find anything in the halloween stores. Nothing that caught my eye, just because costumes are all over 50 bucks! So, I should be off now to finish my gorgeous Bio notes. I'm going to scan them with my new scanner and marvel over their excellence! See ya!

Bad Kids, all my friends are bad kids

I wanted to write a new blog for the longest time. I was sitting here just now, wishing that I had somewhere to write a thought where people would read it. I think the only time people were interested in my blog was back in the first months of grade ten, when I was a topic of discussion, and people found it funny and strange to figure that I was so candid about my life.

I regret that. I feel as if now I am getting by without worrying about the little details. I'm trying to be myself more, and not focus so much on the future. (I still do that a lot of the time though) This past weekend I went to Calgary for Thanksgiving. A lot has changed in a sense, but in a way it hasn't. School starting up again felt very similar to how it always had. I felt like I had never been away for the best summer of my life, and I felt as if I were coming back to where I left off.

I'm content with life, happy with my relationships, and I'm scared. I'm really bloody scared because I don't really feel like I have a handle on things very often and when I finally do it's like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for this handle on things to explode. I'm happy with my job. The people I work with are friendly and comforting, walking into work can be dreading but also lovely because I love seeing Sheena and her incredibly witty and twisted sense of humor. And I love seeing Laney and hearing her wild stories and seeing her infectious smile. I don't love school but I'm not going to lie when I say that I make it sound a lot worse than it has to be. I like guitar class, I like Brandon who I sit next to and plays me interesting riffs. I like Leonard and when he sits behind me, always really baked but always playing crazy riffs as well and playing songs with Sean. Songs that go like: Bad kids, all we are is bad kids, all my friends are bad kids

I like my room at my moms house and how even on the worst mornings where I'm exhausted I can look forward to going to that room and feeling the same comfort I did when I was young. I like my dad, and how he is trying really hard in our new house to build a home for the two of us, even though I'm so rude and demanding to him alot of the time. Oh, and I like my new dog Sheba/ beeba/ Bee. I like how she came with a name we don't like so we have tried to transform it. I like how she loves me, and kisses my face when I get sad. I like cheer, and how empowering it feels to get a workout done and be the good stunt group on our team. I like Katie, who baked me a cake when I was sick.

I like Chris. I like that he's my best friend and I can act in any form of myself that I want and I still feel like me. I like how he makes me laugh, sometimes at him but most of the times with him. I like how safe I feel when I'm with him, I loved I feel.

I like, I like, I like, I like. And I'm more scared now than I ever have been. I want to be a good person, and I want to go school every morning still, walking through the ridiculous amounts of snow we have gotten already, even though the leaves are green, and I want to get on the bus and smile at people. I realized today that I spend so much time being such a... girl, that I just lose my train of thought. And, I like my blog. And how even though life changes and my story changes, it's still here to remind me of the things that I got through, and the certain things I came back to. And I want to start this year off with a new blog to remember. Full of memories and happiness, and hopefully get Alyssa to write up too. Because it seemed that last year we were so lonely that It was hard to write of anything else in our sadness.

My, My, what a ramble. :)

XoKristen.

Always

Kill me

I want my blog to have a purpose so badly! I feel like my ramblings are just getting... boring. Currently I am sitting in my dads new house. By new I mean he's lived here for a month, the house is probably 60 years old in itself. It's quite the fixer upper, but it has the potential to be something cute.

My room, which I'm currently in is painted strawberry daiquiri, a deep pink. I have my new bed from Ikea set up, my sheets and new pillows, even my new lamp and picture. But the thing that's irritating me as of now, is that it could have been finished by now. It's not. The edging is not yet done (the white around the window and door frame) and thats irritating because this room used to be mint green.

Anyways, I'm bored. I miss Chris. I miss my dad even who abandoned me for his girlfriend for the day! And he got me a free tv, so its going to show up any minute now. If its free, i'm not expecting much.

XoKristen

Vancouver Island Return

So, It's been awhile. I guess I have begun to take long absences. It's hard to write because usually I would enjoy the illusion of writing for an audience. If I keep taking these long absences, people are going to stop checking up on me!

The reason I got the sudden urge to write a blog, was that I just returned from Vancouver Island. It's not that Vancouver Island urges me to write, although in retrospect it does, but it's that I first started to believe that people were interested in my little notes of life, when I was last at the island. The last time I visited, things were a smidge different. I was going into the ninth grade, My aunties house hadn't been built yet, and my cousins were remarkably younger. Well, as much as two years can be, but in young child years there is a big difference between 4 and 6.

So, Its probably expected that I shed a bit of light on my trip. I'm not going to go into insane detail. Saying that I have gone on vacation to Vancouver Island can probably leave room to imagine. I swam in the ocean, I beach combed, I went to the several quaint market places set up in Parksville, Qualicum, Nanoose Bay and Nanaimo. But as my aunt was driving us to the Nanaimo airport today with the windows rolled down and my sweaty palms up against the door I couldn't help but feel strange.

I get this strange feeling whenever I travel. It's a strange sensation of bittersweet. A main point it was bitter was because my mother yet again made a mistake with our boarding passes and not realizing until 3:10 that our plane left at 4 and not 5 leaving us to a hectic departure from my aunties million dollar ocean front home. Now, I myself am pretty sentimental and I like to walk around and enjoy every single part of a place before I leave it. When I left Miquelon Lake with Chris and his family, I said goodbye to the campsite. When I left my Auntie Alisons house however, I was rushing out the door with my pants in one hand, my laptop under my arm, and my stupid purple suade bag hung over my shoulder with a billion magazines I had collected while being there. (Which was only 7 days I might add)

The drive to the airport was a hazy one, It was so hot there and I my dreamer mind kept wandering off. I was looking out the window I remember, staring at the point of a mountain thinking how badly I wanted to be on that mountain rather then looking at it. My eyes trailed to the lake below, maybe even a bay, and I got an itch to just jump into it, rather then just stare at it as it sparkled.

Mind you, I am still a kid. I think in this world, adults see 16 year olds as young adults. They see us as crazy and hormonal, but very well capable and becoming of an adult. But I don't see myself that way at all. The whole time I was on that trip I kept thinking how badly I wanted a friend near me so we could go swimming in the ocean at night, or run through the rainforest or even scout out other potential friends in Nanoose Bay. But, because I was the only person in the house near to my age I was kind of a hermit the entire time. That's probably why leaving was so strange. The closest person to my age was Ella, and she's my 7 year old cousin. Although I noticed that the last time I was there she was alot more of a baby, not so much a kid. She really seemed older, other people probably don't notice it. But I couldn't lie to her like I could lie to her when she was 5. She is one of those people that you can have a whole conversation and think she's not listening, but she'll pipe up at exactly the right time.

So, I miss the Island. I wish that my time there was longer and better spent. I think whenever I go there I just shut down and immerse myself in being a slug. Whether it be slugging down on the beach, or sitting on her veranda reading book after book. But I really shut off, I probably said like 50 words the entire time to my Auntie. I love her and admire her for many things because she has one of those solid, and rough personalities. With her, you either take it or you leave it. But at the same time, I'm yet another one of those teenagers that dislikes the things her mother does, and gets annoyed by little things that she does, and since they are sisters there were too many things I noticed, but was too polite to say. I just kind of judged them in silence the entire time. My moms boyfriend flew out a couple nights after we did, and I was excited at first because I thought that maybe someone would join me in wanting to swim, or do something other than 'relax' and shop.

But then I remembered why him and my mom together agitated me so much back home. The first thing he did once he got home, well I should say the second because the first thing he did was go down to the beach and grab a canoe and paddle himself out into the bay, but the second thing he did was show me a huge joint that he rolled and proceeded out onto the balcony to give it to my mom. It was one thing that irritated me, because they were so excited to put my young cousins to bed, which I dreaded because then the house became dull and quiet because my auntie, mom and shawn would head outside. Then I would watch them with irritation speculated at my mom because she thought she was being sneaky smoking a big thing of weed and turning her back from THE HUGE OVERLOOKING WINDOWS OF THE BEACH. I purposely teased her that whole night, and made fun of her. I gave her a really hard time the entire trip actually. It's just something that I do and that I'm good at.

When I think hard about it, I do love my mom. But it's the difference between going on vacation with her versus with my father. My dads entire family, is MY FAMILY. You won't hear me say "My dads family" Very often, unless i'm talking like I am right now. They are all just like me, they are hilarious and loving and they call me sweetheart every chance and tell me they love me when I leave, even my Auntie who isn't my blood. I love her like I would love my mom (ha ha)

And my moms side of the family is in such shards I couldn't even tell you which ones even qualified themselves as her family anymore. They are all loud and rude, and a getogether with them usually involves yelling and arguing. They speak badly about each other when another one turns around, and the main point about all of them: They all think they're right. It's like a chronic disease within all of them. I swear. It's retarded to listen to them, they are pretty racist too, driving with my grandma during rush hour usually sounds like this "Fucking Asians can't see where they're going"

I haven't had a family get together with them since I was 6. My Grandmas sister Auntie Adie, has an adopted son named Jordan who is like 30. Everyone in my family hates Jordan because he 'looked after' my great grandmothers house when she moved into a home and he completely wrecked it. I haven't seen my Auntie Adie in probably 8 years. Everytime I see any one of those family members they whisper something under their breath about her.

Anyways, I don't know how I got so off topic. It's easy to flame on about my mother because she's a quick ignition in my life. But who cares! The coolest thing I did while on the island, was Canoe out into the Bay at Dusk with Shawn. He's a very spiritual guy, although I hate to admit it. I guess that's why he smokes so much weed. But he paddled out there, with me and him I wonder sometimes what he thinks of me. I always deny that I'm anything like my mother but since he lives with the two of us I treat him much like she does. But, we paddled out there, no arguing, no shrewd comments. I just looked down into the water like a 2 year old. I saw so many live jellyfish, which I guess isn't too diverse but it's a neat experience for me. I enjoyed it so much. My mom came with us the night before, complaining about Shawns 'homemade paddles' that were just pieces of wood from the beach. We went almost out of the bay, and shawn pointed into the distance and said:

"There's a passage to another world" And his eyes got all glazed over when he talks about deep things. I nodded, although I didn't really know if I understood until he continued "We could paddle straight ahead and end up in China, Japan, Far sides of Russia..." He kept naming places and correcting himself "K- no. Wait, yeah Korea" And I knew the whole time that he was saying that, that he was wrong. My auntie lived on the side of the island that faced inland, namely Vancouver itself. But I didn't say anything. I just listened to him talk, because when that man is passionate about something he is very passionate about it. And although he is weird, and smells bad, and sometimes I just want to kick him, he can really notice the beautiful things in life. Something my mom can't, which is weird.

I guess thats about as deep as my insight goes. I just loved the sound of the waves crashing against the canoe. This morning before we went he took me to some haggard rocks down the beach and we climbed them. Sometimes with him, we just don't say anything. That's how I was the entire trip, just very interested in the world around me, but I didn't really share it with anyone. Vancouver Island really is beautiful, but I feel like even if I was there two weeks, a month, even a year, I'll never be able to completely value it's beauty. I felt like the entire time I was there I was vacationing in front of a painting, but never actually went IN the picture.

And now that I'm home, it's like I never left. Back to the regular days. I'm used to it here, the plane ride is so quick that it's like I was never far. My boyfriend was out in BC this whole week as well, but he was inland in Osoyoos. And just last night got onto the island, the second half of his trip. It's weird, I felt happy while I was there because we were in the same province, now I'm bummed that I'm 600 miles away again. Summertime is an exciting time, but a depressing one. It's almost half over, and I barely felt like I've done anything. I wish I had a year to chill and spend my time. I'm scared for the fall, scared for my future with Chris, Scared for my grades, oh jeez i'm scared for my grades.

Oh man!

But I'll leave you with a million stupid words in your mind. If you've even read this!

XoKristen

Soul Destroying Nature?

The funniest thing about life, is that the minute that it takes a turn whether for the worst or the best, it seems like your entire outlook is that of the direction that it's headed. I found myself so lost before when I just recently realized, with my own self righteousness that it had nothing to do with Chris, or anything in my 'unhappy' life, but had to do with the whole idea of everything.

I think that when you've never dated before, when you're just a good and new to the raw and terrifying prospect of heartbreak it's almost like this suffocating cloud over your life. I've always said that to build your entire emotional stability relying completely on one person, is so bad and utterly stupid that i'd never do it. I've always told Emma not to do it, I've told Rebecca, even Caroline in brief instances. And here I am, the universal feeling of being forgotten those 8 months ago and it was as if I've died.

I get it back, and now I'm so open to the world and I can see things better than before it seems. But why is that? It's like as a teenager we just prepare ourselves for disaster. I realized one very important thing though. And that is, that the breakup never hurt me and probably wouldn't have as badly if it wasn't the first time i'd ever been in a relationship that mattered. I was just a walking drama queen and as much as I look back on that and flinch, I don't want to look back. I have conversations with Chris and something will come up and it's like something just stung me in my heart because my mind took me back there to the times when I made MYSELF miserable. I just didn't want to get out of his world and I caused myself grief because of it.

If i've learned one thing, one thing that I hope I can carry for the rest of my life and that is if a relationship has things that you notice aren't right, you shouldn't waste your time trying to fix it. Chances are you're not the only one feeling problems. It's a hard thought to grasp but I think being who I am, and teenagers being who we are, we just cushion reality in our minds and tell ourselves over and over again that yes, we aren't good enough, but no, nobody could possibly think THAT thing or THIS thing about us. Well they can. My best friends have told people they've hated me, People have told people I'm stupid and they want to forget me, people are just going to let me down. I sort of wish I'd known about how harsh the world is before I got so caught up in all of this.

But the good news is that for now, I feel as if I'm repeating the best days of my life in a newer version. I don't care if i've said that I can't live in the past, or If i've said that you can never go back to a relationship, I really don't care. Because I want to live in the moment for once in my life and not bring myself the grief and soul destroying nature that comes with thinking about the future. I'm just going to be a kid and live it up. Not waste my time with the specifics. 

That had all been my demise. It won't be anymore. Everything is just going to be chill and fantastic. And if I fall down, then fuck all of those who kicked me there. Seriously. I Just want to live without regrets and I haven't had any so far.

Peace out!

XoKristen

So this is what it's like to be physically active

Right now, I am contemplating my whining factor. Well, anyone that knows me moderately well may pick up on the fact that if something is sore or if I have an ache of some sort you will most likely know about it. And I am taking this opportunity to cry about how sore my ass is, my armpits (believe it or not), and pretty much every muscle in my body is from stupid ridiculous cheer! As well I have a stomach ache.

Well that felt good to whine about, I think I'm going to get ready for bed though as I type this I am thinking about a warm comfortable mattress calling me. I get to sleep in an hour later than this morning today because today I went out for breakfast with Dafoe! It was yummy.

XoKristen

I am in my spanish class right now. I managed to find a wifi connection. I'm quite bored and sore but full because I got taken out for breakfast this morning!

Xokristen


-- Post From My iPhone

My thumb is broken

Tonight was the first cheer practice that I attended, that was dubbed the Legends Senior Summer Team. I was so excited to see the girls from the Winter team, I was excited to backspot some more and really show these new girls who were apparently not intimidating, I was excited to do some jumps because i'd improved so much since last September.

But NO! NO NO NO NO NO! I get there, the girls seem all very young and so I assumed I would get to finally seem for once like I knew what I was doing. I thought maybe the coaches would teach me how to base. Which they didn't. Instead, I backspotted ridiculously basic stunts for an hour. Nearly broke my thumb because my group was a bunch of boys who had a lot of strength but no technique. I got really tired of this one girl who giggled when the coach told me I could just backspot the whole time. Then, we got to work out. That was the only thing that changed my mind from quitting.

I don't know why I enjoy working out so much, but I really did. It hurt incredibly because I pulled my quad muscle yesterday, but I still felt very successful when I left in a hot sweaty mess.

So, I hate the girls, I hate my group. And the worst part is, the preps for the jumps (Which is like the funky arm motions you do to get height in your jumps)  was completely different! And Anne, the vice coach or whoever she is from last year, the woman who used to  tell my group how awesome I was at backspotting, kept critizing my jumps. I understand that it was constructive and she wasn't being rude in the slightest, but I was so frusterated with myself because I didn't really know anyone around me and I couldn't bring my legs up near my face, I couldn't do much. And Anne kept looking at me, and even told me I needed to work on my 'abs'. All I need to work on is my flexibility. It's sad how NOT flexible I am. When I was young I was like an elastic band, and I wish I had kept up stretching because it would be have been a piece of cake to do a toe touch. But now, I'm just such a big galoof I can't do anything.

Ugh. Well, I'm going out for breakfast tomorrow at 8:00, and so I'm going to need all the sleep I can get. I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time I think it's going to be really hard getting up an hour earlier than I usually do.

XoKristen

So I'm just getting ready for bed, it's Sunday night which is the worst night of the week and I'm just thinking about the days ahead of me and my state of mind. My dad has finally legit sold his house and as excited that I am I'm scared I'll be sad. I've been handling everything so well lately that I would just appreciate myself more if moving were just a smooth and much needed change. I've had a bum week in a way, although I feel like this week I've made alot of my aquantices closer people to myself. My friends have all been really busy and I am such a clingy mushy person that I really miss them all. But we will see what happens this week.

-- Post From My iPhone

The days of May

So it has been a few days. My last post was uploaded from my phone I believe as I was messing around with an interesting new blogger application that I downloaded. Not too much has changed, the weather has changed dramatically though since a couple weeks ago. In Edmonton there isn't much of a spring, it kind of goes from blizzarding and extreme heat, and then all of a sudden it's summer time.

I can smell it when I go outside. My neighbors are all using their barbeques, it smells warm outside. That smell that the trees give when they bloom, and when your driving in the car and you look down the road and there is a haze over it. It's all happening. The grass is green, the trees are still moderately naked but I remember from last year that around Chris' birthday the grass was extremely green but the trees were still dead until my birthday rolled around.

Anyways, I'm just sitting here clicking my tongue and staring out the window at my tree that has buds on it's branches! I have been going tanning on a regular basis, and I am waiting to look in the mirror and see myself extremely tanned. Also, I have since got my learners, and started driving the day after I got it. And I drove all of this weekend and It was extremely fun, and somewhat scary. But it's one hurtle I had been waiting to cross for awhile and at least now I know how to do it and I just need to keep learning and get better. (Because I suck at driving)

Anyways, I'm reading some SIMS stories and I'm bored and I am trying to get Chris to come over tomorrow to give him his gift. So, ttyl!

XoKristen

First iPhone publishment!

Is publishment a word? It sounds like punishment. Anyways, I'm watching beverly hills 90210 with my father. Craving

chocolate eggs, wanting some milk. I was at chris' earlier. I left my mr. Noodles there. And I'm currently worried about the swine flu!

Kmay

The sun is getting warmer!

If I could be anything in the entire world, covered in the billions of people that there are; I would choose to be completely and 100% myself one hundred percent of the time. Not this morphing monster where somedays I feel as if I couldn't even be myself if I tried because I don't know what that is.

Around different people I'm a different version, and I don't know if thats something I can just simply turn on or off. When I'm around Zaina I am crazy and ridiculous and I rant and I joke and I act completely free. Something I feel is one of a version that is exactly who I am. Around Lisa I can tell her whatever I feel, whatever I'm thinking, and I don't really need to edit anything out. Even around Chris I feel like I don't take a second thought to go through the words I say. But the issue there, is that I almost always get embarassed or regret what I say afterwards. Will that ever change?

I don't like putting together a future in my mind, because I never really understand what it will consist of. I try to see what will happen with certain friends, and it terrifies me because if I can't even imagine it who says it can ever happen?

I don't even know. I'm noticing changes in myself lately and with my relationships with my parents. My father, well I don't trust him so much anymore since on friday we had an intense fight that went down. He smacked me across the face and I decided I just wasn't going to cower away and so I grabbed the phone and booked it out of the house. He literally chased me down the street and tackled me in the grass putting me in a headlock. I don't really know if I should consider that abusive or if I should feel sorry for myself, or whatever. I just know that I wanted to tell someone but I didn't want to complain and the bruises that have arisen on my arms make me feel incredibly sorry for myself but I don't really acknowledge them.

This weekend I noticed that as I used to sit inside every weekend and shield myself from the world because I was so sad, I have become someone that can't sit still. I can't not make plans. I went tanning again today, I ran around with Chris and Daniel last night. It was a bit lame since I didn't have much planned but I was incredibly giddy seeing as I spent the saturday before with the two of them and that I was running around in the river valley without a coat. Summer is approaching and I am hoping that the next weekend I'm at my moms I'll be riding around with Stephanie in the River valley with a darkening tan from my sessions. Cross your fingers for me!

So, school again tomorrow. Whatever. and Work. But I'll write again later!

XoKristen

DISTURBIA!

I'm just sitting here currently. Trying to find something to do. It's kind of funny how within a couple of months I have managed to usually prefering to just go home and hide in the shadow of my life rather than go out on a school night and make plans, too wishing I was out somewhere at least doing something. I'm very bored right now. I got to visit Zaina today at her work. She works at a tanning salon and I managed to get in there and buy some minutes for the first time ever and get a tan. It was a very interesting experience and I'm excited to go back and get more brown than my pasty little body is at the moment.

As well, I'm just in a very contemplative mood. I was thinking about why, well theres no point really to go into depth about it. I guess I just expect big things alot of the time. After how great I felt after Tuesday night and how I felt like I got my best friend back I kind of expected for him to ask to hang out with me. I don't think I'm expecting too much, I think I'm just being irrational and like he's pointed out before, paranoid. 

XoKristen

Mathematics, Tanning, and My father...

So I don't know what it is, But lately my father who for most of my life with divorced parents has been my best friend, has been my most annoying, irritating and frustrating enemy. It's sad because I don't really understand what has changed. I was contemplating whether maybe he is just turning into an old man, and because he hasn't found complete happiness maybe hes turning a bit bitter. Or maybe its me, just successfully graduating into my annoying teen girl years even though i've been a teen almost three years, and becoming more and more selfish.

But I'm not sure. The thing with my father is with every single thing that comes out of my mother is either;

a) Disrespectful

b) Victimizing

c) mean

Everything I say he either goes into a ridiculous rant about how I'm being disrespectful to him as my parent. Or I am being mean to him and cutting him down and making him the victim.

And when the time comes that I just give up and mumble fine, he tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I literally cannot stand him and it's strange to have my mom becoming my best friend and someone I respect and try to avoid fighting with instead of my father. He is becoming the most annoying person in my life right now. I love him to death but I haven't done anything differently and it's like he just doesn't give me a chance.

Somehow I thought maybe it was because of the judgements he makes about all my friends. I usually agree but he rags on Chris all the time and Rebecca, not really 'ragging' but just making jokes at their expense, like he knows them. And I started to tune into what he says, about how he's such a know-it-all, and I have caught him a few times being wrong. I used to think he did know it all, but now I'm not so sure. He can't possibly know the reasons for Chris's doings, nor can he possibly know why Rebecca is distancing herself from me.

Not even I know that and she's supposed to be my best friend. And I'm still figuring Chris out. So anyways, tomorrow is Thursday. I praise the lord for the four day week. Good news with my math class, I have a spot in Math 20 Pure next year. I am going to study hard the rest of this year, because my teacher has praised me and brought my mark up from a 59% to a 60% just so that I can be qualified for this class next year.

Math stresses me out. I guess I didn't do as well on that Unit Exam as I thought that I did. ON ANOTHER NOTE, 4/20 is this upcoming monday. I think its ridiculous. Everything and every kind of stereotype I have ever had about smoking was that it was extremely addicting but fun and interesting and new. It's none of those things. Weed is the most pointless thing I could ever come across. I feel bad about lying to my father about doing it, but I think he would probably not give me a chance to explain how little I need it. How it doesn't really do much to me, and isn't THAT fun, and I could definitely be told to stop today and never do it again.

And I am going tanning tomorrow, for reals! I get tanned really easy once I get a base but it took me ten years last summer to get a base and I am not doing that again! Because I was starting to get brown in September and then it snowed. So, Fail!

XoKristen

From blizzards to birds and sunshine... Canada Sucks.

Sometimes it's very strange. How some people you come across in your life are very easy to be around. It's like the sun is just the only thing behind you, with this warm glow on your neck. The first day you meet these people it's like you've been in their life for years rather than seconds or minutes. Then there are the others that you spend months trying to break through that barrier that makes the air incredibly awkward and tense when your around them.

Why is that? I don't understand the connection between some people and the absence of it between other people. We're doing Social dance in gym class if I haven't already mentioned and I was kind of putting together my conversations with some people. How with this one boy named Bryce whose wicked sweet and very lively and kind instantly warmed up to me and made me feel like I'd known him for ages and there wern't any awkward laughs or nervous anythings because I was just having fun. It's similar with Elly, It's like a month after I met her I was considering her my bestfriend already. She literally is one of the best friends I have and I only came to talk to her in October and it's April now. I can't imagine not having her around at this point.

And then there are people like this one boy whom I have hung out with once and ever since then we don't say a word to each other in the hallways, when there are only four people on the bus his glance just flickers at mine and then away again and it's as if no matter what I would to ever say to him it wouldn't change the fact that he and I are never going to be friends. I have friends that at the moment I feel as if I know every single detail about them down to their core and it's not necessarily a good thing because there is too much bad in them and negative energy to possibly outweigh the good in them. And of course the ones that I feel completely in synch with that I know everything and they are the perfect friends.

And then there are the ones like Chris, like Lisa, Morgan. Keltyn. People who no matter how close to them I get there is always something else to learn about them. That they never stop surprising me and I can't think for one second that I could possibly predict what they are going to do with their lives. I am ecstatic that I hung out with Chris today, not to sound insane. But I have always dreamt of being his bestfriend without all the drama of having a crush on someone. I'm just glad like I said, to hang out and make friends without any stress.

So, all is good in the world of Kristen. It's content, except for the schoolwork part which I hate to admit is probably more important. I'm a very happy person as of now and I can't help but anaylze at times how far I've come from being a rock at the bottom of a fucking river to someone that accepts the cards she's delt. Even when Chris was talking to me about dating and how he's tired and can't handle it I felt like it didn't matter because he was telling me something important to him and I should feel honored to get to share that. I'm a lucky person to have 'made up' with Rebecca, to have Caroline and Lisa and Chris now, and Elly. And to have the drama gone as if it never began. But maybe not completely, because ever so often a picture will surface and my heart will delicately crack. But I am proud of myself for being so rational. For not being crazy much anymore. For being me without being too crazy about it. 

XoKristen

Memoirs of my easter weekend!

Unfortunately, Easter long weekend has come to an end. I'm a little anxious to get back to  school only to have the week finish faster. Luckily since we had Monday off, it's only a four day week that I have to endure.

For the most part, my weekend was pretty good. I went to glitter last night with Lisa, Caroline and Rebecca. It's a dance party that is run by the same group that runs shake. The club though is located on Whyte Avenue, this Avenue on the other side of the River that has tons of shops and bars on it. It was a neat place, not as cool to me as Empire, but just as good. When we first got there it looked pretty lame, and I  don't know any South Side kids and they don't know me so unlike Shake I was walking around knowing no one. As well, it was completely empty when Lisa and I arrived despite her urgency to get there early so that the tickets didn't get sold out. That was embarrassing for her. But it turned out to be incredibly fun just dancing with my girls and what not.

But the boys were irritating, all the ones I didn't know being gross and trying to dance with you. This one got my cellphone number, I gave it to him so he would let me run away to my friends and this one number has been calling me non stop since yesterday and I had a strong hunch it was him, and I was definitely right. He texted me, asking if he could call me, and I just deleted the message. I'm not about to make friends from random places with random people.

I saw the Hannah Montana movie today with my cousins, which was good to see them and good to get out of my dads miserable house. It's so gloomy here, and I get irritated quickly because he has this lineup of shows that he watches back to back and claims the loft for the entire evening and I'm stuck in the dark on the main floor.

I saw Chris and Daniel Saturday night, that was brief but good to see them. I am beginning to cope with my stray thoughts and I am completely fine with the relationship I have with those guys. I have thrown my arms up unconciously and I am done with fighting the emotions in my head when I don't need to. I am done with being crazy and obsessive and paranoid like Chris has labelled me before, just let the pieces fall where they may. I will fight for things that I want to fight for, and If they aren't worth it, they aren't. I have been crazy I really have. My thoughts are just out of control sometimes.

Anyways, back to the chopping block or so they say, tomorrow. I am going to experiment with bus routes hopefully. I don't want to end up at school at 8:30 anymore! As well, Since zaina works at a tanning place now I'm going with Stephanie to build my base. Lol, i'm actually very excited to get tanned.

But I'm feeling like a snack and some easter chocolates! Until the pen stops writing!

XoKristen

More samples of my insanity

Currently on my mind right now:

• Miley Cyrus is my hero, but has strangely emotional facial expressions when she's singing...
• I'm re-reading the Twilight Saga because I have nothing to do with my life nor my time, and I would rather spend the empty time I have reading something that made my life complete for a few months when I had a mental relationship with Edward Cullen.
• Tamam wrote a song in guitar today, she wrote the melody on the guitar, the words. Pretty much everything. But I created a pretty nice picking pattern and learned how to play Let it be on the piano/guitar because I transferred it over! yay me!
• I have to work tomorrow... and saturday. If I have to work any other days my head might explode because its the Easter weekend!
• I think I bombed my math test...
• I have to work.
• I don't like working so much.
• I wish it wasn't easter but rather a long weekend with PD days because I want to hang out with my friends... whom fortunately, or unfortunately (depends how you look at it) all have families that aren't broken like my lovely family appears to be!
  
• THERE IS A NEW SOFTWARE COMING OUT FOR IPHONES! TEXTING  LANDSCAPING AND SENDING PHOTOS! WoooooOoooOOOooo!

Hahahah thats pretty much it. I realize that's a lovely little list, but that's all I feel like doing right now... listing things. I made a KandKLINK video today...well it doesn't really count because It was just five minutes of me rambling on my moms new ikea couch and talking about how my life is dull and boring which, is a dull and boring topic.

So I am basically in love with Twilight all over again. I must be an idiot to become so captivated in the book all over again. I have read the entire four books, and the leaked copy of Midnight Sun on the internet, yet I'm reading New Moon a second time and it was just as magical as the first. Except nothing is really suspicious or mind boggling because I already know that Jacob Black is a werewolf!

And in other final news, I was very tempted to drive my moms car the other day at Superstore when she handed me the keys and said I could wait in the car. I'm kind of tired of not having a learners. I'm going to be sixteen in give or take a month, and if I were smart I could be getting my license rather than my retarded learners. 

My mother is a stubborn little old lady. She wouldn't take me to get it today... so she leaves me no other choice.

I'll just have to kill her.

Just kidding!

XoKristen

The sunny sun is coming back!

So, I am giddy with the excitement that comes with the spring season! This past week it has warmed like ten degrees more than usual, and as I was running around my house after school today I was taking note of the sun and how even the glow of the sun reminds me of the summertime sun. It gets dark after 8:30, and the smell and draft of being outside is that of the summertime.

I couldn't be more excited. Even as I write this my bedroom window is wide open, wafting beauteous warm air and I just caught a glimpse of half a dozen kids running down my block in front of my house shouting. (And don't worry, that's a good sign)

So, last thing is I have like three tests this week all on the report card that will matter next year. And it is kind of stressing me out. I have a social MidTerm tomorrow. I haven't even looked at my notes. AND I don't plan too, because the last one was completely random. I studied the stuff we learned, but the questions were out of this world and entirely all over the place.

I kind of hate school. I kind of hate how I am scrambling to get my learners and it's always in the back of my mind as well as passing math. I NEED TO PASS MATH. Fuck. 

Well, peace out. I bought oatmeal cookies and I'm going to go and eat some.

XoKristen

Down To the wire

DOWN TO THE WIRE!! It is definitely Sunday night (Loud groan), and I have school first thing tomorrow morning. I'm not really look forward to it, but I'm not really dreading it. My father said that it would be difficult over the phone to me today. I don't think it will. I've been waking up so early all of spring break. I went to bed last night at 2, and first awoke around 8:30. My body's clock refuses to work with me. I haven't really had a good sleep in like I wanted.

So anyways, good thing is that tomorrow is day A. Which means I don't need to deal with Spanish, I don't need to deal with Math. But I want to force myself to do math at least an hour every night until my test. I am terrified about my unit exam. I don't feel like I can do it, and I am not trusting myself in the slightest to do well. And I can't afford to fail another test. Nor can I afford getting a 55%. I want a 70. Or an 80.

So I was going to talk about how I have decided that the only bad guy in my life is myself because I create situations in my head and I just have been thinking about how I go on about Chris and my feelings and my worries and stuff. I just, i'm like the most typical girl you will ever meet. I am the stereotypical insane woman. I am controlling, I am crazy, I am paranoid. I don't think of myself that way, but I know NOW that I am. So I wanted to go in depths about it and kind of scold myself... but mentioning math is stressing me out. I HAVE to look at my review booklet at least a little bit before I go to bed right now.

Fucck. I need to do good.

XoKristen

Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again

So, spring break is over fairly soon! A week is such a short time in my mind, it just kind of whizzes by. Especially since I haven't really done much. I had an okay enough day today. I slept over at Morgans which usually consists of the same laughs and giddyness that errupts when the two of us get together. And then we usually go to sleep rather early and shortly after we wake I go home. I'm leaving for work here in a few minutes, and I have to walk today since my father has a dentist appointment but it really doesn't matter.

I'm a bit sad, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people don't respond to my phone calls or text messages or something. It's probably just because I'm insecure, infact I know it is. But it still makes me feel very vulnerable and the anxiety just grows and grows the longer it takes for them to say something and I honestly feel right now that Chris is never going to speak to me again. That's how insecure I am. I've been sending him text messages give or take everyday since monday. And the only thing he replied to, was the one where I asked him if he was dead and he said Ya and left it at that.

I'm really worried. I'd like to be selfless and say it's because I'm worried for his well being, but actually i'm worried because this stress is getting to me. Because I am worried that he is pulling some sort of stunt to never speak to me again. I full out believe that. And I know it's probably just because I'm crazy, but I am concoting all of these possibilites in my head and I haven't done anything! The last time I saw him I was getting of the bus with Chris Liu and I gave him a massive hug and he didn't seem to mind. And now I am being borderline insane, tracing my steps. I'm trying to think if I said anything to anyone, If I said anything to him. If I didn't say something? I don't know whats wrong with me, why this affects me so much. But all I can say is that at least this time I'm not lying on the floor crying and screaming at the dead air in front of me. Which, uh haha I probably have done. Now i've just been kind of quiet.

I don't like the kind of person I am right now. I should never let anything I do be determined by one person and the things they do to me. If he is mad at me, I might actually break because he hasn't said a thing to me. And it's been going on for a few days. But I've done this before, I've jumped to conclusions. One thing that just popped into my head is my blog where I said that I hated him. I just pray that that's not it. I feel so vulnerable and scared and sad. I'm so scared.

Fucccccccck. I am a pathetic individual. I hate highschool, I hate the direction of my life, I hate myself. I hate me.

xoKristen.

Strawberry Swing

So i'm just thinking, about being happy. About being blissful, about being loving and happy. Partially because Coldplay just does this to me. I feel like Coldplay just, wow I can't even verbalize right now.

I'm watching Beverely Hills 90210. I don't really know why I'm making a blog. I definitely have nothing to say. I didn't do much today that really deserves a rantful blog. My mother just spent probably 500 dollars today on clothing for the two of us. For me:

24$ Shirt from ESprit
39$ Shoes from TownShoes
110$ Jacket from Aritzia
30$ Tank top from Aritizia
185$ Uggs from Stoneridge

And that's just myself. She bought herself the same 110 dollar jacket, and shoes. I feel guilt, But I feel excited to wear them. It's already Wednesday tomorrow, and I have work which will keep my mind off of anything thats off the beaten track. Even though everything is. I have work Thursday too. It will keep my mind off then, of worrying about certain individuals that will be roaming the Edmonton Streets popping pills.

Oh, it never ends. Good thing, a realtor and some people came to look at our house tonight. As well, my father is making an offer on the house in Grovenor that I want to live in so badly. I'm excited to get out of here now. I love this place, but I feel like it hasn't been my safe haven nor has it been full of very happy memories. Just painful memories.

Oh well! I'm going to watch the rest of 90210 now :)

XoKristen

I wonder if the sky is bluer on the other side?

Today is Monday! Any other monday and I would be grovelling on the floor, probably in bed at this hour and worrying about something for Tuesday. But tonight my friends, Is an evening during Spring break and it could not be sweeter. Well, that's a lie. It definitely could be alot sweeter. But, It's sweet enough. I get to...well I don't really get to sleep in tomorrow because I have a retarded Doctors appointment. But, Alls well because I have no plans for the rest of the week and I'll probably just spend my sweet time sleeping and day dreaming. So that's pretty great.

Today I hung out with Chris2. LOL I don't know if you can see that, but it says Chris Squared. I actually had so much fun with the two of them, and it was strange. I told my father and he laughed and said it was like I was going backwards again. I just can't get enough of those two, and seeing him, however stupid the non asian Chris was being yesterday, I just kind of sweltered with love for them. It was bad on my part, I was just so blissful being in their company that I couldn't stop hugging them and everything, probably freaked them out. But I'm a girl, and I am allowed to do these things.

It's just nice sometimes to feel like everything is back to normal. (Even though it's not) I just really miss them. It was a big deal too me, not to the white Chris but I don't really care. Because for once, I didn't feel like shouting my hatred in all directions and with all octaves of my voice. I just felt like hugging them and embracing the fact that they were actually with me, together. For perhaps the first time in four months. For once though, I'm trying not to anaylze this. Because planning a future, does nothing. Because no one, can determine what will happen. And I am tired of setting road maps to myself and when they errupt in flames, it really sets me off.

I just love my friends, Chris doesn't care if I'm gone but I care if he's gone and I care for seeing the Asian Chris more than I have and I just care about them so much I would really jump in front of a bus for either of them. As creepy as I realize this sounds, I would do this for most of my friends, and I usually feel this way about Lisa, Caroline or Rebecca. But these feelings have just been renewed and it's nice to have this breath of fresh air.

So, on my moving update. My father apparently had a mix up with the bank this afternoon and it cost him 3000 dollars. It's all very confusing to me, how would a large company like that allow themselves to make a mistake that would cost one of their customers 3000 dollars and not compensate for it? He announced this to me in front of Chris squared, and I told him very briskly that he doesn't have 3000 dollars. On top of that he is pretty certain we won't get that house in Grovenor. It's kind of disappointing. I want to get out of here sometimes more than he does.

I have no plans in stone tomorrow, and I have work on Wednesday. I don't want to go but I am reminding myself of the cash that I will get if I beat budget this week for my commission. I am very anxious to hang out with friends after today because I feel very confident. I'm very strange, I realize this. But it's nice. It is definitely nice.

Currently, I am a thousand degrees warm. I am thinking about going to bed but I just gave my blog page a complete facelift. I don't know why. Alyssa doesn't blog anymore, and my only audience is a few stragglers. I used to have quite the audience from Chris' schoolmates. I don't think they read it anymore. I'm pretty certain that I'm old news.

So, goodnight. Doctors appointment tomorrow at the Mall down the street. I am terrified, last time I had an 'appointment' they had to take blood from me. I don't want them to take my blood. My blood is MY blood. It belongs in my arm, in my legs, in my brain, in my heart. The prospect of sticking a pointy thing and damaging my poor vein makes me shudder. I could never be a vampire.

*Shudder*

XoKristen

More Jumbles of words and confusion

Things are too hard to handle sometimes. I think, alot of it is just being trapped in a teenagers mind. It's like, I want to be happy and alot of the time I feel like I'm determined to do so. But then the other half, everything is just so pointless and so dreary it's depressing. I guess, it's because its such a big place out there. It's easy to lose yourself. I am still trying to figure out how to control my emotions. I might feel completely sad, but I don't have a reason to be. And I have learned that the saying "The past is the past" Isn't a good one. Because if you forget the past, it becomes that much easier to repeat it. Forgiving people for things they've done, lets history repeat itself. And lately, it seems that everyone I meet is somehow connected to that one person. I don't feel like I can do it anymore. To be this person that few people know the name of. I have no self confidence left, it's actually retarded. And even worse, lately I've found myself thinking some of the things I used to think back before Christmas.

And that's what happens when you try to forget the past, things repeat themselves and a vicious cycle starts. Look at any situation, and you'll see what I mean. I just feel very confined, but lost at the same time. Very misguided, but very determined. I feel a million things at once, and it's hard sometimes for me to stay focused. I mean, I want to be. I don't want to let myself down, or other people.

I'm sure this all very hard to follow, I know I'm being really vague. But all I can say is I'm losing myself, again. It doesn't seem like happiness exists for me. I was telling Carson tonight that anytime it gets close, I lose it.

But yeah, I mean I'm just a jumble of things. Someone who feels like she can't escape anything that has happened in her past and when she does things start to happen again! So, anyhow I have school up again tomorrow. Sunday nights are actually the worst. I'm not sure when I work this week, but I can tell you that I don't feel like working at all. I'm already anticipating next weekend before it's even begun. And this weekend disappeared so quickly because of Cheer. I have had the most weekend because of cheer, I actually love it.

So busy. And So tired.

XoKristen

Stay tuned! Hah.

newest update ;)

hmm, I have not written in awhile. I haven't had much to say. I have come to the conclusion that if you make yourself think that you are in a bad situation, you create a bad situation for yourself. It's like, when you're cold. And all you think about is how cold you are, you really feel alot colder than you would be if you were thinking of something else.

So, when all I think about is how wretching my life can be. Or, how hard it is to be happy and get by, I just make things harder than they need to be. I dunno, with Chris gone to the Domincan, I've just been normal. All the pain that i've been, however I think it has made me stronger was more or less been made to feel even worse because of my negative thinking. I even told Lisa that today at lunch. That I'm such a pessimist that it's almost retarded.

And this is where the catch is. Somedays, I feel completely empowered, I feel like calling Chris' other ex girlfriend or sending her a message and explain why I've been so weird and make an effort to get to know her so I can move on with my life. And then some days, It's just as if it were October all over again. I get these regrets and I start thinking that there is no way I should let myself move on because this is my life and Chris is my friend and I can't let him go. It's such contrasts that it drives me crazy but I am definitely not dwelling on any of it as I once was. It doesn't really claim me. I worry about it a bit, like the next Shake I really don't want Chris and Sarah to go because I won't be able to handle seeing them together. But who knows, maybe by then I will.

I don't even know anymore. I don't think anything I do is really safe either. I don't trust myself to put myself out there just to see what happens. It's like I don't really know how I actually feel because I'm such a mess. I feel really terrible about Elly's birthday, like in hindsight I think about it I still wouldn't have gone because I did have cheer. But before I was glad I missed it because I was so petrafied thinking about seeing Sarah because the minute I even see a photo I compare myself to her and in every single way it's like I lose the comparision.

But now, I just kind of wish I had put myself out there. I dug myself a hole, I really did. All the new friends that I've made an effort to be friends with, are like directly connected to that world. I laughed today I said to Lisa "Could I really have picked a worse group of people to try and befriend? They are all best friends with her, who has unresolved things with him, who causes me to feel like my life is over." This is where I feel like people don't udnerstand sometimes that I don't want anything to do with those people because they remind me of how much the first months of Highschool sucked for me.

And there were a few people I really wanted to be friends with. It just wouldn't work. She's her, she has perfect hair, her pictures from shake made her look like the sweat barely touched her and I left looking like a sow, and then theres just me. There's little old me who is trying to get into her crew of friends. I don't even know why I try sometimes. A large part of me feels like a strong person, and feels like I can just back the fuck off and move on. But a small voice in the back of my head reminds me of last summer. I was thinking last night how scared I am for summertime to come along. It'll be this reminder that I can't dwell, like the last hit. He made my summer. And we most likely won't even talk this summer.

I can't predict the future but sometimes I just wonder why I do this to myself when I could have just been free. I could have been like the rest of my friends with stress of homework and work, but instead I just have the added stress of feeling worthless.

I don't know what to tell myself. I got to get out of Edmonton this weekend to visit my cousins for a couple days. It was really nice, and I miss my family. Sometimes I just wish that I had siblings, or somebody in my life that was my escape. I think that person is probably Morgan or Keltyn, but I never see them. And I love them, and miss them. And I feel completely lost without my bestfriends sometimes, and I do love Lisa and Rebecca but I think I just feel like they have each other and that I need somebody. I'm sad alot of the time, but at the same time. I'm really not.

OH! and I spent 300 dollars on jeans last week.
They are beauts.

XoKristen

Happy Birthday Elly? :(

Happy day off! Thursday and friday of this week are happily teachers convention! I am very excited about the next three days, because I am leaving for Calgary to see my cousins tomorrow! I am in a good mood right now because I haven't done a thing all day except for sit here. I'm a bit sad because it's Elly's Sweet Sixteen Birthday today and she is having a dinner thing with her friends and I couldn't go. She doesn't believe that I couldn't go, she believes I'm not going because I mentioned something about Chris' ex whatever she is was going. It sucks, because it was a poor thing to say on my part. Elly asked me why I wasn't going and the legit reason was because I have cheer tonight, I already missed last Thursday and I need to miss this Sunday's because I;ll be in Calgary and I just wanted her to be aware that I was nervous about hanging out with Sarah and everything and she just believes that I blew her off on her birthday because I have no guts and I can't move on from Chris and yeah. So I sent her a text saying Happy Birthday and she ignored it. It's awesome. Like I don't even do this, I don't get into fights like this with my friends. I haven't done this since like grade 6 where somebody is childish enough to ignore me because I can't make a birthday party! It just makes me irritated.

And sad. So I do have cheer tonight, the entire time I'll be thinking of Elly probably telling people and Sarah that I'm not going because of her. Which again, isn't true. Everyone knows it, I like Sarah I think she's insanely nice especially to me after every stupid thing I've done. Elly doesn't believe that I'm happy now, that I'm not depressed. Like at the moment I am a happy person because I feel like I have moved on which she doesn't see and it's just so stupid how hard I'm trying and someone that is supposed to be one of my bestfriends just gave me a lecture about moving on. Don't quite like that.

I am even more excited about Calgary for a couple reasons because 1: I bought skates at my work FINALLY and went skating to the Silver Skate Festival with my mother on Saturday and I had alot of fun. And when I was young and we would visit my cousins in Calgary there was this creek and we would always go skating there and I REALLY want to go there. And 2: I went shopping last night and spent a ridiculous amount of money on four items and I am so excited to actually wear them. They have been hanging up sacredly in my closet all day today and every so often I peek in there just to look.

I bought a pair of 250 dollar jeans, the True Religion Brand. And, just so you know those jeans are usually like 400 dollars. The jeans that I really wanted were darker jeans with white stitching that I was in love with but were... 400 dollars lol. And thats just a bit too much over my budget. Although I did spend 250 dollars on jeans anyways. My mom actually bought me this amazing pink sweater from Aritizia and I bought a pink cute shirt from Urban and this really nice bag from urban outfitters.

Basically I am just incredibly shallow and self obsessed with my appearance but I don't care! I am so excited to wear my jeans. I am also SO happy to leave Edmonton, I don't care that Calgary is only three hours away. Its good enough. Lisa and Rebecca got to escape to Cancun, Chris is actually in the Domincan right now, and Keltyn may perhaps still be in DisneyLand. I just want to get out of this stupid godforsaken city so badly. I haven't left since last Summer when I went to miquelon lake. I know, that's a wonderful thought.

So basically, I just have a few days to look forward to and yeah.

I really wish Alyssa would write a blog lol. I don't talk to her that much it seems! :(

One can Only hope.

Alyssa never writes me blogs anymore :(. LOL She never wrote for me persae anyways. But I definitely miss the insights into Alyssa's world. I think my insights are kind of scatterbrained and crazy! In my opinion anyways. I had work tonight, and I am home now at my mothers house. She kind of went crazy the week I was away. She bought a new insanely comfortable office chair for me and a couch for the room next to mine where my friends and I hang out in. She moved everything around and I love it. I feel very comfortable, I actually adore my house.

Anyhow, I am so tired. Work tonight was very uneventful, except for running from a homeless guy with Laney. The back doors of our work lead into this back road that has probably twelve garbage bins and it kills me but there are homeless people that actually make little sleeping places for themselves in them. It makes me sad, but it also terrifies me to have to take the garbage out, just little blonde Kristen and little blonde Laney Rae out there on our own in the dark. It was entertaining though.

I am hesitant to say much about work, Laney explained to me that my youtube video and mentioning that I get paid to do nothing killed me. It really did. I got in alot of trouble from the whole thing. I'm tired though, and I do have a lot to an extent that I want to talk about. Actually, no that's a lie. Without pain in my life caused by Chris I am kind of a mellow being with no really reason to rant about things.

The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is that Elly's birthday is next Thursday which also happens to be Teachers Convention and Shake! She;s going out for dinner before and then were all going and I want to go but Chris' ex girlfriend (If you can call it that they will probably get together again) is going to go. It's not that I dislike her or anything, after the last shake I really respect her and like her I just...I can't handle that. I feel like she is so above me and I am so jealous of her that it hurts me to even hear her name. Like it hurts me, it makes me feel like an ugly failure and it's only seconds before my self confidence disappears. I can't handle that, and I don't think I could handle the conversations we would have at Shake not to mention the way I would be sizing her up the entire time which I have done before and figured out that she is so pretty and more talented than me that I wonder why on earth I even try?

Rebecca and Lisa are coming back from Mexico on Sunday. Dare I say it, but its been kind of nice hanging out with some new people this week and not having Rebecca's angry parades. It's nice. I just wish I could get away, I don't know I feel very trapped by people because everyone I have befriended, literally, has like known Sarah somehow. It's hard, I want a new beginning so bad, and I want to be confident again so bad but it's like this world was made for me to have bad feelings about myself.

I can barely do cheer, I failed my math test and I know exactly why I did, I don't feel like I am pretty in any way, I feel like I am tall and ridiculous and just uncoordinated. My feelings about myself are just so disgusting and as much as I try not to blame other people I just feel like screaming that Chris has done this to me but what can I do.

I'm just self absorbed I guess. I'm fine now, I'm just here. I function normally, I don't fucking study, but I get by. And I still hope I'll get out of this something good for myself.

One can only hope.

XoKristen

Get up, Get Out, Move On.

So, what to say about life as of now? Well, I have been painfully busy these past couple of weeks. Or days, I should say. I have been working alot, another interesting factor was that I got written up because of my behaviour at work. I want to go into depth but it's a little un-smart for me to write about situations on the internet.

I have recently decided that I recently cross a line whenever I write on this blog. Like I am scared for the people that read my thoughts. Everyone makes me feel like I am extremely stupid for not even considering the things that people will say if they read this, but in my mind I guess I just imagined that I would get readers that are not from my world, from somewhere other than my circle of friends, and just have people that can read it and agree. I've been a little hesitant to slow down what I write because I kept hoping that somehow these people that go to mac, or Jp, would just stop reading my personal stuff. Technically it's not too personal since I post it on the internet which is up there for everyone else to see.

I just feel dumb for going into such depth. I'll try to slow it down a bit until I am no longer an idiot and tell the world all about my feelings for Chris, who did Admit the other day that he reads them. That's embarassing.

I am in a bad state of mind right now because I feel like I cannot decipher what I am feeling. Like, there are a few people that I just care about so much, and they don't care about themselves at all. And it worries me, I feel like a mother or something. That person that they get aggrivated with when I try to help. I really care about these people but I don't... I don't want anything to do with people who cause me to stay up all night worrying. But at the same time, I don't have the strength to tell them to stop talking to me. Because I don't want them to, I just wish they would stop and get a grasp on their lives.

So I'm sad about that you know? I look at my life, and the length of it as opposed to my grandfather who came over last night and has been around for almost 80 years, and my father who has been around more than three times the length that I have been around. And I just feel like I don't have the tools just yet to handle alot of the things that I am being faced with. Because of that I feel like I'm being a huge drama queen but I can't help but feel like I am without guidance with all of this. I feel completely and utterly alone, and tortured by my friends and the things they are doing. Is that selfish or what?

The only conclusion I can come to, is to distance myself. But really, how many times have I said I would back off and try to help myself for once? Once? Twice? Three times? Probably even more than that. I just want the summer back so bad. I want my friends back, I want them to stop doing fucking drugs. Stop doing E. I'm proud of myself for once that I can sit back and not cry about it, but at the same time on the inside I feel wretched and torn.

I am that person who just talks and talks about how much I want them to stop but they won't ever listen to me. I fucking hate my position, but I need to be done with this. I need to do myself a favour. Especially when I was reflecting today about my attractions for certain people and how they are actually out of control. Fuck man.

XoKristen

Speaking of over analyizing....

So you probably can't point me out in this picture. If you start at the left of the circle, the small girl on her knees is Nadine, then Katrina, and then myself. Eh, that probably doesn't help but yeah.

Thanks to the magic of Facebook, I have come by a few cheer photos. I'm not going to lie, I have waaaay to much pride in the fact that I'm on a cheer team. Like I'm actually too proud. I've come across this subject many times, you know the one where I feel like I'm a poser cheerleader. Sure I may be on a team and everything but the rest of the girls have practiced cheer for so long and trained their bodies to do Libs and Arabescs, and I can barely do a roundoff. I suck!

I have so much more to talk about but Morgan just called me so i'll ttyl.

Xokristen

Fail!

I am one thoughtless individual. I just got home from seeing "He's just not that into you" I went with Elly and Sareet and I laughed my ass off and had a really good time. My life is starting to open up before my eyes and I'm enjoying it. I am having immense fun being me. I am learning to not become caught up in little drama's in my life because I need to be above it. I can't really express my feelings because I just feel like a bleeding heart. One who feels happy, but I still have my moments of discomfort. Hearing his name, seeing him, as I speak I'm listening to the sound of Cribs on MTV in the backround and the girl's house they are showing must have a boyfriend named Chris because she keeps saying "This is Chris's" And so fourth.

I had my first cheer competition ever today! It was nerve wracking, but not as bad as I had anticipated. When I was little I was quite the bowl of nerves. Everything I did would give me a stomach ache and now I barely bat an eyelash. I didn't get a nervous stomach ache today, the whole butterfly shebang, but when we were called to warmup behind the curtain before we did our routine I was sweating and shaking. That is a kind of nerve that I'm not used to having. I really couldn't tell you how we did. I was so pumped up, but so nervous. I know I did ridiculous facials for the audience, and I know that most of my stunts worked. But it was just a shouting, cheering, loud rap music blur. The minute I stepped off I was thinking "I did it!"

We got some feedback from Rebecca's sister Katie who was watching. She has been in cheer for awhile, and apparently it wasn't as good as I had hoped. Our jumps were apparantly off and our timing in the music was terrible too apparently. I still think we did for our first competition ever. We won gold in our division, because we were the only ones in our division. Our makeup and hair was ridiculous. I was so greasy climbing into my moms car afterwards. I had like three pounds of hairspray in my hair to make this bump for bangs and a really fat and teased ponytail. My makeup was like red and gold all the way up to my eyebrows. It was a bit terrifying. I joked to the girls on my team that I looked like a drag queen. (We all sort of did)

The piercing thing I didn't really need to worry. When we were going to warmup, Corey had a little container and said "Everyone with piercings!" and I just took my nose ring out quick and simple and my stomach ring and it was all okay. When we got off that was like the first thing on my mind though and I was so incredibly shaky I couldn't get my stomach ring in and I was begging Lisa to help me, she extended a hand and then she was shaking. I'm not exactly sure why my body did such a thing because we'd ran over the routine about 8 or 9 times at practice and I was probably way more tired then, then I was at the competition today.

But at least I consider it a success! I'm proud of us. I know the other girls probably wern't too thrilled. Most of them are used to High School Routines and fast clean routines, and ours seemed like it fell apart at the seams a little bit. But, I got a little gold medal and a gold ribbon and when I got home I tacked them on my little corkboard. I feel a bit of a poser even though I did work to get them, but there are girls that are actually tops and don't just sit and lift people all day long like myself.

I'm tired though man, I have another competition next weekend in Red Deer. Kind of dreading that. I feel like "Yes, I did it! I finished that competition!" But then in just one more short week I'll be back where I started. And I was incredibly nervous. Kind of scared to feel that way again. But I have to admit, the adreneline rush kind of blinded me. Hopefully the next competition and then the next one and next one just makes us get better and better and eventually we just kick ass hard.

That'd be a nice accomplishment for me. LOL, I didn't realize it was only 10:30. I will not be able to forgive myself if I go to sleep at 10:30. So I think right now I will go and work on my science Brochure.

That'd be a good plan. And notice how I barely mentioned Chris! Yeah! It's getting better. But, I miss him. I needed to say that.

LOL.

XoKristen.

What coffee does to the brain

I am somewhat of a crazy person today. I feel so incredibly sleep deprived that I am so over tired that everything is funny and everything is an exciting adventure. It's like I'm high, no kidding. I had to work tonight because Matt Sawler wanted me to take his shift. Because I'm so nice, I accepted the invitation, which actually was a shift in disguse because it was stupid tonight!

Not only did I get to work and do several dumb things in a row including climbing into the car with my backpack on my back and forgetting it was there, tried to figure out why I couldn't clock in at work and realized that the computer was not in CAPS LOCK!, Almost fell off a ladder and tripped and fell in the tech shop and nearly cut my face open on a skate. (that's a bit dramatic, but it's cool)

The second I got a break I got this huge Mocha Frapaccino with so much coffee in it which was a terrible idea because I hadn't really eaten anything for the past couple of days, I hadn't really slept. I feel like a complete mess. Now that the coffee is wearing me down, I feel like there are bags under my eyes a mile deep. No kidding, work was terrible today. This guy Collin was the keyholder. In case anyone is wondering a Key holder is somebody that is like the manager on shift at the moment. The person who counts the till and puts it into the computer and gives everybody jobs and what not. He just recently was allowed to close on his own, and ironically at this same time he lost the store keys in the West Ed parking lot and might owe the store 200 dollars. Not only that, but he just turned 17 so he is barely over a year older than myself. He is this very stern faced boy who is in like grade 12 calculus and he doesn't have alot of a sense of humour and its very hard to tell if he's angry or kidding. Anyways today i thought we were all kidding around and I told him to chill as a joke and he yelled at me to SHUT UP and it was quite scary to be honest. I spent the rest of the night sweeping everything and I felt really bad because I don't very much want to be known as the employee who doesn't do anything. Because I do try hard, it just depends on the day. And today there was a guy from another SportMart helping with Inventory prep and he was talking to me the entire time and Kelly was working which meant she distracted me. The probes (They are the cameras, Laney named them probes) are always watching and I forget these things when I am chasing Kelly around the store with a jock strap in my hand.

Not a smart choice on my part. But I was a little off the deep end today as well. The guy that came from a different sportmart to help held my interest the entire shift. It's comical because he wasn't like a stud either, he was kind of this short guy who knew his stuff about bikes and snowboarding and had silver teeth and was around my age and Kelly insisted that he had a crush on me but I was just having fun doing some flirting like a blind person. He was charming, or at least I thought he was because I was so bloody tired. He left without saying bye though and I was a little sad. He sharpened my skates and everything. And then when my mom picked me up and took me home, this one block behind Stony Plain Road for like 8 blocks was completely black. Like the street lights were out and the red, green, and orange stop and go lights were out and all the houses. I was on my coffee high at that time and insisted to my mom that we drove down Stony Plain to try and find the comotion and then later to follow these cop cars down into a neighborhood along the river valley. We found the police parked with a fire truck with this woman and her dog and a mysterious backpack. The entire drive home I was coming up with creative items that might be in the bag. Like crack, or body parts. My mom didn't like the second one. She said it was probably money, but I told her it was bound to be a body that washed up from the river. She didn't like that either, how odd.

And now, I am on a coffee crash. And my head is sort of irritating me and my bed is calling to me. It says "Come sleep on me kristen. Soft, Comfy. Meeeee, Sleeeeeep" I am pretty sure that I just lost my internet connection. STUPID wireless. I actually hate life. I mean, at least all of my three readers can sleep easy now knowing that instead of me being insanely angry and sad at the world I am actually just losing my little mind.

As for my bus ride today with good Ol' Chris, it was insanely awkward. I think he used to be a superhero once, like one with superpowers to make a situation incredibly one way and uncomfortable. He really is the most awkward guy I have ever met. I was telling him about how I fell today in the parking lot at school (A WHOLE NOTHER EMBARASSING, NO DIGNITY LEFT KIND OF STORY) And he said "That's super cool" he said that. He actually said super cool. I just laughed uncomfortably. I see him and I feel very sad inside at times. He is a very good and lost soul of a person and he just looks so tortured now. Tired and worn out, kind of like I feel. (And probably look too) I have this massive flaw about myself that I think the way I do things is going to make everyone happy. So, I learned that no one is really glorified by my wisdom and nobody really thinks of it as wisdom anyways. And that I just want to be congradulated and admired, more than I really care about fixing a situation.

I suck :D . Good news is I have learned things. Bad news is, I have no idea how to apply them to my life as of now. I have a cheer competition tomorrow and I am in fear of my life and the rest of my dignity after my fall today which sucked. My entire school basically was leaving Westmount which is the mall across the street from my school, probably like 500 kids. This car backs out and I start running to move out of the way like a little tool, and before I know it I am on the ground covered in slush and everyone behind me just goes "Ohhh" and I laughed really hard at the time because I knew Rebecca wanted to laugh at me because she's great like that. And I didn't want anyone else to think I was dumb. But once I got to guitar and everyone that was there which was a good quarter of my school had finished laughing at me I started crying because it was incredibly embarassing and I was so muddy and wet that my boots are permanantly stained and I spent 15 minutes brushing them and it still didn't work.

I was pretty sad. So, cheer competition tomorrow! Afterwards miss Elly pearson wants me to go and have dinner with her and Aaron somebody. I have a secret idea that she is in love with him and too scared to go on a date with him because she has dragged me along with her before when hanging out with him. LOL just kidding. But I do question why she always brings me. He knows who I am but we don't really talk. We're not even aquantinces. I just see him and think he's really goodlooking. (Haha don't tell anyone that) So everytime we go to hang out with him I admit I get a bit excited because he is a tad goodlooking.

Bad thing though is our cheer hair-dos and makeup applications are actually ridiculous. I will most likely need to clean my face with a sand blaster before I go anywhere with her and him. And as of right now, oddly I'm hungry. And tired.

LOL, imagine that. Me. Tired? Psht!

Lol goodnight I actually need to sleep for once in my life.

XoKristen

Words of the immortal Wisdom

I just sort of realized how boring my blogs are when my life is neutral and normal for once. When none of the screaming and hysterics about my broken life is in play, it's just kind of a breakdown about my piercings, my cheer, or my homework, or something else entirely useless altogether.

I'm not sure if you can tell, but I am exponentionally (not even going to attempt to fix the spelling of that) happier. There is no definite reason for it. People probably think it's because of the way everything has turned out as if it's turned out in my favour. (hah!) I have dreams about my life every so often and those certain people and I know that somewhere deep down I'm still quite mixed up about it all. The good part is though that I can handle what is being thrown at me as of right now. I can handle the relationship I have with him, an aqauntince to aqquantince thing. It's sad a little bit, but I feel like it's where it needs to be and in time if it goes away I will attempt building it up again. It is what it is you know. And I am just another powerless human being on this earth that needs to learn that things don't happen too her, but for her learning and her benefit. This whole thing has taught me so much about the way to handle problems, and the way to treat boyfriends. I am still embarassed when I think back to the things I said, and how I acted like nobody could make me happy. I now know what my father means when he says that your life is what you make it. He says alot of things that i often just roll my eyes too but are true.

One major point that has turned around for me is that in the mornings when I sit on the dark and quiet bus and listen to my ipod and a sad song comes on, a montage doesn't start in my head about every single person that I have lost as a friend and every single person that I won't ever get back. Instead, I briefly remember how good things were and think that maybe somehow I will be able to be even happier than that. It's just hard to wrap my head around the end sometimes, but all good things come to an end. We all know that. Nothing lasts forever, if it did we would never be congradulated at the end of our life with death.

I like to think that I'm a bit closer to finding out the true meaning to all of this madness and why we are put here in the first place. I just feel like myself and everyone around me is just failing whatever game that this life thing is. Like I try and try with my parents whom are really irritating me because I feel like no matter what I say it's wrong or disrespectful, and no matter what I do it's uncalled for. I can't go through a conversation with my dad anymore unless his money issues are mentioned or how disrespectful and dumb I am is brought up. To this he might say something like "I think you are being completley unfair to me right now and you need to learn to talk to me with respect" yada yada yada.

My dad has never even been the one to agitate me! But lately he is like 500 times worse than my mother. He has this thing where if I leave something to the last minute he freaks out and swears and goes insane. And I tell him again and again that although it may not look like it I am trying, but it's just a part of me, it's an accident to forget to mention to bring the 40$ cheque into cheer. I don't do that on purpose, it's like blaming me for spilling milk. Last night when I went on expedition one for a straight up and down nose ring and didn't find one at the place where I got most of my piercings I was in a good and jolly mood. I was glowing, happy, making my dad laugh and we just started walking back to the car and I said "Maybe that little Jewlry place has them, the Fx place" and he just looks at me and says "Well why did we walk all this way?!" And I start to defend myself saying that I didn't want to make him angry by making an out of the way trip and that I assumed we could just go home and then the coming friday I would go with my mom to look through the mall.

Instead, he acts like a child and leaves me standing in front of the bay all by myself, making a scene and exiting into the parking lot. (which by the way is far from the entrance to the bay! And I always get lost in there!)

So I called my mom, asked her if she knew any places while sitting all by myself in the crowdless mall. He left me like three messages telling me he was leaving the mall without me and stuff. I was tempted to just leave him, get on a bus and go to my moms and not tell him where I ended up and leave him to worry the entire night. Instead though I tried to find my way out of The bay because its like a maze in there and found him in his car all grumpy and stupid. It's so dumb. I know how much he hates out of the way trips, when something goes wrong and I am unable to fix it. I tried my best to eliminate that situation and he acts like a complete asshole. Living with my mom and Shawn is like a walk in the park compared to my fucking anal retentive father. I really can't stand him most of the time because he doesn't realize how hard I do try, I just forget all the time and I punish myself enough alone for that. If he's not yelling at me for having my boots a little off the front door mat, or leaving a tissue or a tiny speck of dirt on his stairwell, he's giving me a complete breakdown as to why my mom needs to pay for the cheer fees.

Ugh, I hate living here sometimes. He used to be my complete bestfriend but lately he is actually insane. The last time I was here he pounded my chest with his fist and I had a bruise there for a week, which I couldn't explain to people why my chest was purple because I didn't want to sound like a whiner.

Anyways, I had cheer tonight. I've been kind of on a bad place with Cheer lately. The whole piercing thing is a huge pain in my ass and try as I might I can't seem to understand the judges thinking as to why every little thing must come out. Good news is I went to the mall today with father and bought a little nosering from claires that was straight up and down. I went to the place where they actually pierced it and asked them if they could take out my current ring since it's all curly-q and what not, and the girl was a complete bitch to me! She was telling me and complaining about how easily the straight up and down ones fell out, she even added in briskly that if I sneezed it could fall out. She told me that it's low quality metal that I could be allergic and have an extreme reaction, she said that nose studs are not meant to be changed all the time and so it could really irritate the piercing. I didn't want to tell her I was in cheer and give her an explanation as to why I was doing this, because I didn't really think I cared or not if she thought I was stupid. It pissed me off a little bit because I do have my reasons. I have always had the little cork screwey ones, for like two years. But I can't remove those ones myself and no freaking good places in the mall sell straight up and down ones that are good quality. That girl just annoyed me. I need to take this sucker out pretty much every weekend for the next two months and it wouldn't happen with a freaking corkscrew!

In the end, I went to Metal Smiths after I got my new Claires one in. First of all, because the Claires one had no little ball on the end and was literally just falling out of my nose when I walked, and secondly because of the metal thing and my nose was getting all red for no reason. So I bought like a silver one, and it doesn't hurt me. I just had to bend it straight instead of in an L shape, which made it an I with a big ass. (Like a bump in it) So that stupid mean girl from Dragon FX would be happy about that. Although I highly doubt that because she was just so miserable.

As for the belly button ring, I asked Emma how to remove it and did so by screwing the top ball off. It was kind of disgusting not going to lie, it slid out of my stomach like a little worm or something. And the worst part was it was this huge bloody gaping hole. Unlike my nose piercing, it's not a thin little bar. It's a THICK bar and it left a THICK and wide diameter of a hole. It kind of freaked me out a little bit, seeing my stomach look like I had gotten shot or something. I regretted it for a split second, because when the day comes and I'm like 30 and I don't want it anymore, I will have a beautiful scar there. It slid out easy, and slid back in easy. The only thing though is that it's such a fleshy part of my body that I'm worried it will like, close up during the routine. (No lie, i'm weird like that)

But then I went to cheer, talked to a girl Jody on my team about her naval and nose, annd I felt better. She said her first competition she had to take her belly ring out all she could think about was her closing naval hole. So, I will most definitely be a physco on saturday because I have no doubt in my mind that like ten minutes before we go on the floor I will carefully manuever them out of me, put them in a safe place, and then the minute we finish I will grab them, run with my salene solution and put them back in immedietely.

LOL, I have fears.

But, I don't think I need to worry. One last thing, I am incredibly sleep deprived. I have been going to bed past 11:00 lately, just something I've been doing that I usually don't do. I get up early and in Social which is first block I find myself like trying so hard to focus on the sheet of paper in front of me, but it goes so blurry and so I narrow my eyes and then one falls and I struggle with this for a really long time. My head just rises and falls and the two seconds I give myself to put my head down on my desk is like heaven. The day before today was even worse because it lasted all the way through spanish class! I was yawning and curling up on my desk the whole time.

And then I realized that for this cheer competition on saturday, I have to be there at 11:30-12:00 which really isn't bad at all I expected worse, but I still won't be able to catch up on my sleep as much as I'd hoped. AND I agreed to take Matt's shift tomorrow from 5-10, I have a science pamphlet due on monday if I can find my fucking pencil crayons! Just too much stress in my brain that I cannot handle. I feel like in the next couple of days I am actually going to lose my mind. AND MY BELLY BUTTON DOESNT LOOK TOO GOOD!

*Sigh* I wish I knew all the answers. If I had one wish, that would be it. AND I AM CRAVING STARBUCKS MASSIVELY. But the only person who ever went with me was Chris, and he avoids my plans to hang out like the plague. Well, I stopped asking him about a month ago now. Only because I know the answer. Sad. I want everyone to be happy, including him and definitely including me. Keep your butts on the edges of your seats ladys and gentlemen. I am prepared for a fall from grace, and a hard one at that.

Oh damn.

XoKristen