Life is alot more normal these days

Hey everyone! I don't write blogs everyday anymore. It's on account of my lack of complaining (fortunately!) that I have, and that my internet rarely works when I'm at my dads house. It's saturday today. I'm enjoying sitting here in front of the television while I can. I got my hair did! It's blonder, better, I really like it. I have my first cheer competition next weekend. I'm incredibly nervous and stressed out to tell you the truth.

And that's not even the only thing thats causing me to be stressed. One of the main reasons is that up until the end of March, I will have cheer every weekend. I have a desire to go on this ski trip at my school. But I don't think I can because it takes place on the weekend which ridiculously pisses me off.

Then there is the fact that I have piercings, and I will need to figure out some kind of plan to remove my nose ring and stomach ring without stress. My stomach ring, I think I can hide. The first few competitions we only compete in our practice uniforms, which my stomach doesn't show. If I have the same luck with my actual uniform, then I won't have to worry about removing that stupid piece of metal in my stomach. As for my nose, I have a tragic history with taking it out. All of that alone causes me stress because I have a fear of my piercings all growing in.

So YEAH! I had school briefly just yesterday to check out all my new classes and what not. I am really sad about drama ending though, happy that guitar has started because so far I am incredibly excited to finally maybe being able to play my fender.

One last thing before I head out, I am incredibly happy I spoke with Chris' girlfriend. I feel like she's a real person now and I really like her and respect her. Despite everything I think she has had me in mind as much as one can and I feel alot better about meeting her. I think it's helped me get some closure and it's helped me begin to move on. I think about the two of them together and I smile. Imagine that, I smile! Because I want her to be happy even more than him, and the prospect of them being happy doesn't sound as mocking as it used to. So, it was a good idea and i thank Elly even though I wanted to kill her for a split second at Empire.

XoKristen

Hah fuck you man. FUCK YOU.

Wow, Have I had a trip the last 24 hours. Last night I went to Empire with Lisa, Rebecca and an old friend from Westmin, Marina. We got all dressed up, I borrowed Morgans massive purple heels and wore these super tight jeans and this silvery shirt and straightened my hair and applied makeup to the nines. All four of us looked dazzling in my opinion. So Empire is usually this nightclub that's in west edmonton mall. I didn't even know it was there, but it is. It's sooo fancy. I was actually blown away. It had this massive stage with lights and Djs and a dance floor packed with people and winding staircases everywhere with lounges and bars and everything. They have this thing called Team, or Teen night not sure which because I couldn't understand Rebecca, but its strictly for highschool kids. So they don't serve alchohol to us or anything. Most people drank and then went and were smashed the entire time.

When we got there we were under the impression that we could walk past the massive lineup and give them our tickets and walk in because those people hadn't bought the tickets yet. But, we had to wait outside because of the amount of people with tickets. The other stupid thing is to keep your coats and bags safely locked up its 3 dollars per item. So, none of us brought coats or bags or anything and waited outside in the freezing weather to get let in. When I got in I was actually amazed it was so nice haha, couldn't get over it. So we started dancing and getting all pumped up. I knew almost everyone there (That is a massive exaggeration!) but I saw like familiar faces everywhere. So I was saying hi to everyone and taking pictures and dancing. Like two hours in, I go and sit in this lounge outside of the dance room because it was alot cooler in there and I see Elly approach me with Chris' girlfriend behind her. I felt like crying and running and screaming and Elly has this really guilty look on her face and I'm like oh hello.

She told me that she wanted to talk to me and get the whole story about winter break. I was freaking out but she sat down next to me and said "Hi kristen, I've heard alot about you" And I felt so incredibly bad. I won't forget the looks on my friends faces either. Ironically enough before we left my friends said I looked like Whitney from the City with my heels on. Even more ironic, when his girlfriend begged me to tell her what went down and then Elly intersepted and asked me if it were alright and I almost cried she said "This is just like that episode of the City when they are in the art gallery and Alli approaches that Kat girl!" And I started like, laugh crying because the only difference was we were like in a Teen club and it was so loud I couldn't even hear my own voice so I was basically yelling at his girlfriend. I got really intimidated and nervous and they left, I'm a coward. Anyways after that incident I was very quiet and cried moderately because I was so scared and confused. So we went back to the dance floor, this girl Taylor Bye pretty much made my night because she was rubbing my knee and saying really really nice things to me that was just really what I needed to hear. So I went with the two of them and danced on the stage. (ON THE STAGE!)

The Dj's were like "All the ladies up front!" So we got up there and danced, and I was incredibly greasy. My hair was just a mess and my makeup was a mess and I was a mess. We got off the stage which was so much fun and eventually I ended up in that little lounge again to tend to my broken feet. My friend who I will keep nameless to protect the fantastic, was on pills or something so I was worried enough but surprisingly gave me alot of things to think about. He said alot of very blunt things to me about Chris and about my life and how I can't sacrifice myself anymore so he can be happy because he doesn't deserve it. Of course everytime he said something brilliant like that he'd stutter and say "but yeah nevermind" But he was right and I remember sitting there, probably looking like a hot mess, with Chris' girlfriend literally sitting across from us and I just felt like dying I can't explain it. She smiled at me and everything, I was awestruck at how nice she was to me.

Later on, after the whole thing was coming to an end and I went to say bye to Elly, who was sitting with his girlfriend I gave Elly a hug and her a hug. Imagine that. I gave her a hug. I told her we'd talk about it when I wasn't drenched in other peoples sweat and she wasn't drunk. (She had a little flask with her) I have to admit though, I felt alot better that she had faced me and I had got to speak with her, somewhat. She seems alot less terrible now, and it doesn't hurt as much to imagine her with him. I felt bad though she was talking about how if he was lying to her than shes just a fool to be with him and stuff. Everything just sounded like a mirror of the emotions that he's caused me to have and even though I know how much he likes her, I kind of imagined he would treat her better than he treats me. But I guess he doesn't.

So when I got home she facebook messaged me and I told her what happened and we were sending parapgraph messages back and fourth about how we don't deserve it and how we deserve better and all of that. This morning though, after I sent frantic messages to Chris he responded asking me what happened and I told him. Sometime down the line today, his girlfriend called him to call him out on what he's done to the both of us, and when I sent him messages nervous at how he was feeling he told me I was fucking annoying. And I quote "you are so fucking annoying"

I actually can't believe him. Does he not see how hard I tried to save his relationship with someone I don't even know, for him who I feel so much hatrid towaards most of the time. He's unbelievable. She might give him another chance though, we talked about it this morning. If i were her, I probably would. I just couldn't let him go, I never could. It's ridiculous. I feel so hurt by the things he said to me today about how happy he was with her and it's hard to imagine how he dumped me so quickly. It seems like the time I spent with him when he were nice and caring was so short. I'm really quite crushed but at least now I know her and know a bit about her. As for him, I am so done. I have been so mistreated I can't even believe he took it out on me and called me annyoing. Like I'm trying to help fuck you.

Fuck you.

XOkristen

All you can do is try

"It's amazing how things can change. How best friends become acquaintances. How acquaintances become something so much more, and how people can change in such a little time. And you can watch all these things happen, and never truly see if for what it is until it turns around and hypothetically hits you in the face. You never quite truly see the people you lose until they're virtually gone, and at that point, it's terribly hard to reel them back into your life. And then there are the people that have always been there, who change, and you can't fully understand what's going on within their heads, but you can't help but reesent what they're turning into, and you can't help but want everything to go back to being the way it was, because those were truly some of the best times you've ever had in your life, and you can't help but be disappointed you let some of your favorite people in life slip through your fingers like sand. You just can't."

It scares me how Alyssa always crawls into my head. Really, I read her blogs and I feel a catch in my throat at the lack of air that has reached my lungs. Anyways, I am watching John and Kate Plus 8. Sometimes I wish that life could just be final like that. Knowing that your future is with your husband and kids, and not being hesitant at all about the direction that life is taking you. I guess that's easy to say, because something could always happen to them.

So, my hair is half straight/ half curly right now. I'm just kind of sitting here, hating on Faceboook. I hate facebook. I really do. I actually just have so much hatrid for it. It's like, if the world would just step back and let me forget about the people in my life that have caused me grief, I would get over them in a matter of weeks. But people, things, especially things like FACEBOOK, allow me direct access into peoples lives that I do not want to see.

Then those people I do not want to speak with, send me messages. These people cause me stress. I realized today how perfectly normal I am still having feelings for someone 5 months after the fact when they contact me every single fucking day expecting me to be on my toes to be of assistance. And that friends is even worse! Because knowing myself, I never back down. I just allow myself to be used over and over and over. No one realizes how I wish I could stop but I just can't, and the lies just seep out of my mouth and this false sense of importance helping people who have shit on me for months.

Whew, Needed to get that out. I started laughing today, recalling the old "I just want you to be happy" line. I've said it a couple times recently and I realize what bullshit it is. You don't want them to be happy. You want them to grovel and miss you. I feel like I'm missing the whole thing here, like why am I still feeling somewhat hurt? Why oh why has this secret just allowed itself to manifest into our lives without any need really of being out in the open. I tell people, he dies. I don't tell people, I do. Funny thing is, AGAIN, FUCKING AGAIN, I feel like I should take the sacrifice. As if I deserve it... hah! I have taken so many punches. If this were a boxing match I would probably, literally be dead by now. These people need to get away from me I'm not even kidding I can't handle the "Well she said" or the "Well I heard" When its about me! I know what really happened and I can unleash the power of it whenever I want. Thing is, I can't because I made a promise because of my own hope to be important.

Ohhhh I suck. I can only keep myself occupied for so long and I start to lose my mind again. As of right now, I'm happy because I could give two shits about him. It just erks me that he's happy. So happy. My life mise well be over. It's hard to deal with. This whole process, however painful has taught me a million things about myself.

It's taught me that; distraction is a great thing. It's taught me that; dwelling on things is the most unique and unexpected kind of torture around. Oh, another thing; Don't lurk his facebook after the fact! Because it quickly becomes a shrine towards his new girlfriend, as if she's climbed into the computer and plastered herself on the screen. This; also makes you realize that you were never this showed off. It has taught me that; It takes a long time to realize that someone is wrong for you. And that you can't stand around for them. They are never coming back. That life is a game to see how much you can take. Show them all wrong. Show them. And that nothing will change how you feel about them when you see them. And that friends really are the best thing to keep you occupied. To get over it, to surround yourself with people that don't come from that scene. To move on. And that happiness comes from yourself, I guess. And that missing someone is the worst pain around, when that someone doesn't even exist anymore. You can't follow that person through the fire because they would never do it for you. *sigh* And perhaps the most interesting thing I have learned out of all of this is I have learned how wrong the drinking and drugs scene is for me. I'm going to Empire tomorrow night, and I plan to party and have a good time. Without the complications. I plan to be happy. You know? I have never tried so hard to be me in so long. I'm sad I have to let it go.

But it is what it is. And I'm ready to embrace a happy time of my life rather than this down in the dumps piece of shit first semester of grade ten that I will remember until I die for being the most painful five months of my entire life so far. I have never been so angry, nor sad. It just sucks I can't get it back. Ever! EVER EVER EVER EVER.

Get happy. :)

XoKristen

All I can do is try.

It's actually getting better

Soo I haven't written in quite awhile. I have had a very uneventful week. Lying around at my dads house, playing sims and moping about my life. Actually that last one is happily sort of a lie. I was kind of upset earlier in the week because after my iphone arrived (yes it finally arrived!) my father and I got into a stupid argument. He says things like "I'm sorry I can't please you" and what not. To make a long story short, I 'set him off' He flung the coffee table in our loft across the room, he grabbed my wrists so tightly that I had bruises from his fingers, and punched me in the chest. You know I'd like to say I'm not playing the victim part, but I am. I felt so bad for myself, especially when a bruise arose on my chest from him. So I was pretty mopey about that seeing as I felt like I was an abused child; which I'm not.

So that was lame. I had my science mid term exam on Tuesday...no Wednesday, and I feel like I did very well. It was incredibly easy actually, to my delight. My Spanish was today, and It was delightfully simple as well. But I've just been living in my own little bubble of a world. I worked monday and Wednesday and I have set plans for where my cash flow is going to be going. There are a few things on my to-do list. The funny thing is, once I get enough money to clear those things up, I'm sure more things will arise. I'm getting my hair dyed next saturday. Dyed and cut. I can't actually wait. My hair actually disgusts me right now. My roots are dark, which makes my hair look really greasy. My bangs are like...confused. They don't know if they are bangs or not. They are in that in between stage between growing out and being bangs. It's gross. When I get into that hair salon I swear I will die.

I am paying for more than half of my iphone. I'm not going to leave my dad with the entire bill after our huge sharade last week. It was actually terrifying, and I try my best to be respectful and non whining and stuff. But sometimes I just feel like I can't help it. I dunno, so thats another 100 bucks gone. So i'll be down 200 bucks. Well, i'm sure a bit over. Then I'll just make it all back. The only crappy thing is that I have a cheer competition on the 7th of February, and the 14th of February, so I can't really work any weekends for the next couple weeks. Which means; no extra cash money for me!

I also realized over the time that I've been away that I am very bitter. It's one thing to know and to realize how things should be, and a complete other to know them but have the emotions in it that you simply can't follow them. All of this alone time has left me feeling somewhat refreshed. It's nice to get away from Chris. Not going to lie. That's always been my issue. I can get over someone quickly if I don't see them or hear about them. But being at school, the whole bus thing and the whole group of people that I seem to imagine talking about them together is overwhelming. I hate it. For once after all of this I feel like I have this burning fire inside of me to move on. I've never been so set on it because before I'd always hoped that we would get back to what we were.

Oh man I couldn't have been more wrong. I am sad, but it's not like this deep sadness. I just... I don't really care. I wan't him in my life but I quickly realized that friends between ex's is a huge miss. I read a magazine article about being friends with your ex's. It said give it like 3 months and don't communicate with them and then friendship will come. But after everything, hes more than an ex. He's a huge issue that has wormed its way into every aspect of my life. The good news is; it's dissinagrating quickly. I enjoy it, it gives me alot of satisfaction to feel angry now rather than sad. I just feel like kicking all of these people in the ass. I deserve so much better, I know I do. I guess it's good to still think this while my self confidence is still somewhat there.

So, sad. I don't cry anymore, but I miss it you know? It's the whole closure thing. To feel that it is finally the end. I never felt like it was completely over. That was probably my weakness, still investing my time in making things change. But they never changed, and I feel like I failed yet again trying to get things to just be at a place that I could finally be happy. But I can't be happy with him around I guess. I was packing today and I was listening to some old music of mine from far back on my ipod and it was really, I dunno, painful. It was so strange. It feels like summer was ten years ago. Funny I keep reverting back to the stupid summer when everyone else but me has moved the fuck on. I feel like such a loser! Agh. :(

So, tomorrow I have a 'Sportmart' party. I'm excited to party with those guys, because the good thing about all of them is that they are in no way connected to the people I go to school with. And I hate most of the people I go to school with. I'm nervous because I don't want to have my night ruined by the jokes that my 'co-workers' make about me and this Matt guy. I feel bad because I had no idea anything was going on at all and then one day he texted me saying they were making fun of him and I was completely and utterly confused. Now they just think that we have feelings for each other which, BEEP, we don't. Well, I know I don't. Thats awkward too.

Anyways, I haven't partied in awhile. I learned it was kind of a summer/ rebellion thing. I'm too smart for drinking and weed. And unlike the people that try it, I have never craved any of that in my life. Just during October and November when I wanted to prove everyone wrong and lose myself completely did I take advantage of MaryJane and the Captain. The person that I am now, is a quiet loser who plays Sims by herself in her room and suffocates herself in her emotion-filled thoughts.

Sad.

Sadder still.

XoKristen

Move the fuck on

I kind of forgot how good it felt to cry. You know those times when something happens and you find that inner strength to hold the waterworks in? I had a day like that today. I have never felt so mixed up in my life walking down my stairs today trying to suck back the tears. Of course, they are the product of the newest blow up between Chris and I. Basically he believes that he should no longer hang out with me because it's leading me on. He doesn't want anything to do with me...

lol fuck I'm pathetic. Stating that is making me cry. Anyways, I was trying to let it set into my veins, become a part of my reality. Once it did I was fine, still breathing like a cow mind you, trying to keep myself from letting him once again get the better of me. Then I just burst into tears and sobs, and kept going for a good half an hour. It felt really good, I'm not going to lie. I am the queen of feeling sorry for myself. Part of me just kind of wishes that he and the rest of the world could see how hard I try to be strong, I just can't I guess.

I'm doing my best to see the world from the outside. To make myself believe that I need this in order to move on. But, now that I know that I officially lost my best friend...I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. This pain is actually unbelieveably suffocating. I am so anxious right now. I have no way to explain it. If I had a choice I would just scream. I feel like I'm dying, like I've lost all feeling in my fingers and my toes. This feeling by far is the worst in the entire world. I can't believe, can't fucking believe that this is still happen.

I want him gone. I want his girlfriend fucking gone. I want his school to fucking explode. I want the whole block from my school to his to just fall into the earth. I feel like my school is the center of gossip, like everyone knows his girlfriend, whose name makes me feel like wretching all over the floor. Her name makes me feel like just crying myself into a coma. Everyone knows her, they know him, I have made no new good friends. I am a failure, I can't even stand my school. I can't stand how everyone is so connected. I can't handle my life. I actually flat out hate my life.

It's so incredibly painful but I am holding onto the few morsels of happiness I have left. I'm trying to tell myself that if he doesn't want me, doesn't need me, even as a friend, then there is no way on earth that I need him in my life. As often as I repeat it to myself, it still feels wrong. I even stood up for myself today towards him, and he told me he couldn't talk to me anymore. That it was a waste of time to explain his feelings towards me. Translation: I am a waste of time.

So any Mac kids roaming around reading my blog like they have been known to do in the past... I want to say that I have never done anything, I have never even been close to stealing anyones relationship because in the end I am always the loser. So there you go, you all won. And at the moment I am focusing on keeping my tears in, and work tomorrow, and my new phone. And getting on with life.

I need to get on with life.

Move the fuck on.

I'm so incredibly scared to leave this in the past. Unlike him I was never eager to let the summer go. But it seems like ancient history now. I'm not going to lie. He isn't anyone I even know anymore and I'm scared of jumping off the deep end. Most of me just wants to find someone that loves me, someone who won't hurt me. I don't want people to hurt me anymore. I'm too young to have the burden of like a broken heart. Who has a broken heart at 15? My life just feels incredibly ridiculous.

If I had any wish, it'd be that he would miss me. I'd always dreamed that I would go, the concept doesn't even seem as bad if I had been the one to walk away. But he's practically kicking me out of his stupid life. Thats what I don't like. That's what I hate. That's what breaks my heart into a million pieces. Anyways, I'm done complaining and grovelling.

You can sit there, anaylizing the pieces and what you've done wrong. Or you can clean up the pieces, and move the fuck on.
-Tupac

Xokristen

So this has been the Saturday from boredom

So It's funny to be writing anything right now. Only because my day was so ridiculous. It's like...what day? Lol. I woke up, my father made me scrambled eggs. Then A few hours later he made me stew, then we got in a little bit of an argument, and I went upstairs and studied for my science mid-term exam that is taking place on Wednesday, and then I played sims and listened to my ihome. Then a few hours later, father made me dinner and went out for dinner with his girly friend, Laura.

Now I'm just sitting here. I'm very content as I haven't been contemplating anything at all these last couple of days. I'm just like this blank peice of paper. I don't know if its because I'm actually blank, or if I just want to believe that I am. I don't even know. I'm quite content right now because I have two weeks off of school, again! Although I have three exams over these next two weeks. Two this week, Science and Spanish. And then Math next week.

It's like 11 right now. Timothy, Daniel and Seth are actually bussing over to my dads house from my moms where Tim lives, to come and see me. I know it makes my dad a little suspicious as to why these guys are all coming over, but I assured him that they do this. They're like my big brothers. I love them to death, and if I ever have a problem I know they'll have my back. But at the same time they are really lost. That's how I feel. Like they have really lost themselves and who they are, and I think it's hard for them. But I'm glad I have them. It makes it a bit hard that they are so close with Chris, because although I can't blame them, they are somewhat of the reason that Chris is the way he is now. (He called his parents Dirty fuckers to me in a text message today!) Daniel is great because He's always understood me. Tim never really has, but I appreciate his concern I guess.

He once told me it was pathetic that I was crying over him. Pathetic I was avoiding him. Just overall pathetic. That's kind of the only reason it's hard to see the guys now because during the summertime when we were all a crew, we were kind of like this thing. I don't really know how to explain it but it's like a walk down memory lane. A lane that really fucking hurts.

Anyhow, they are coming over. I think they are a tad ridiculous. I swear they won't get here till midnight and then they won't be able to catch the bus home because they'll stop running, and then they'll just be screwd and I'll have to help rather than sleep. Just a mess!

Tomorrow is our last sunday Cheer practice before our first competition. We supposedly get our practice uniforms, and will make our routine really tight. I sure hope so. I know Rebecca and Lisa aren't showing up until 4, and even still I highly doubt they will make 4. Most likely Lisa won't let our coach Corey know, and he'll be angry. Not looking forward to it. I also know he'll work us hard to, to get us to a competing know-what-we're-doing level.

If we do get our uniforms, it will be a great day. Monday I have to work from 5-10, and wake up rather early to recieve my Iphone that is supposed to be delivered before 10:30 that morning. It's causing me grief because If I miss it, I'll have to wait another couple or a few days for my phone to be delivered and I'm worried about what time they'll come. Watch me get up at like 7, and they won't come until like 11:30. Egh. Then work, then Tuesday I have an orthodontist appointment. Wednesday I have my science Mid term exam from 1:00PM-3:00PM, and then I have to work again 5-10. Thursday I just have cheer, thank god. Friday switch houses. I have a bit of stress on my mind. The whole studying bit doesn't really work well for me. I know how to study but it's whether or not I kill my procrastination and sit down to do it. Luckily I forced myself too today, but alot of the stuff I reviewed today, I already knew. That's always the first mistake. Studying things you already know...

ANYWAYS, I AM SO ANXIOUS FOR TIM AND THE GUYS TO GET HERE. There is nothing on television. I'm watching Britains next top model. Their accents get kind of irratating after awhile. Not going to lie.

So, my Chris update. I give up! I am throwing my hands up I surrender, so, keep walking all over me world, i don't give a fuck anymore! Heh.

xokristen

Sun makes me happy!

Sooo Today was the last day of the first semester! It's kinda cool, knowing that i'm halfway done my grade ten year. It's kind of shocking actually, because I know I still haven't really set into this life or gotten used to it at all. It's been really warm these past couple of days. Well, warm for Edmonton. Like above zero. It feels amazing walking home from the bus, like it's springtime or something. I opened the window in science class that faces the courtyard and all the ice was dripping down the window and dribbling and what not. It's really nice. Edmonton is so nuts, last year in January it was around -40 with the windchill. I remember in April of last year there was one weekend where it was over 20 above and the snow was pretty much all gone, but the week following it the temperature dropped to colder than -10 and it snowed like 20 centimeteres.

Oh fuck you Edmonton lol. But I'm not going to lie, the sunshine on my neck and the smell that usually comes with melting snow and spring time really has been making my mood alot more positive. It's nice walking around outside and not having hands that actually hurt from being outdoors.

So, I had my last Language Arts class of the year this morning. It's kind of stupid actually. I feel like in my classes (excluding drama) I never really get to know any of the people as individuals. You just kind of see them. Alot of the kids in my classes, I don't even know their names. And unlike Junior high there is really no connection between the teacher and the student. My Language Arts teacher, Miss. Clarke, still calls Caroline, Carolyn.

So, that wasn't sad at all. That class never really felt like we were a unit. Drama class was somewhat ridiculous today. I was pretty sad that it was our last Drama class in grade ten, not going to lie. We had planned to do an end of the year sort of production and get a bunch of classes to come and watch. The blackbox theatre can hold like 200 people or something, so it seemed kind of logical. But, when the class actually started at 12:41 we didn't even get our 'audience' and stage setups all finished until 1:30. So we didn't even finish the performances, and now we can't even say "Well after the two week exam break..." Because as far as we're all concerned, it's done!

Good news is, I sang in front of the class and felt like I did a very good job. Of course Andrea and Kyle nailed it. I expected that. The harmonies on my part were a little rough at times, and in the first verse of the song my voice cracked. But the amazing thing about drama class is that you never feel like anyone judges you, you feel like you have this immense support. It felt great to sing in front of all those people, I actually feel like I have a talent now.

The gay thing was, we didn't get the 200 viewers we had been expecting. Mrs. Forde initially told us that the blackbox gets packed during these pieces which didn't happen. There were MAYBE 50 people in the audience. Less even.

Kinda failed.

But it was a blatant success for the most part. The bell rang before we finished but it was nice to leave with so much pride. I just don't now what I'm going to do with myself now that I don't have my little safe haven everyday at third period.

So heh, you all knew this was coming. A moderate Chris update. I'm trying my best to avoid the subject but eh I have to say something. Lately I've been feeling very empowered with my quest to get over him. I still briefly feel like I can somehow get past my feelings for him and become his friend. But everytime that thought seeps into my brain, I resist the urge to whip out my phone and text him. I have never really been able to stop myself from contacting him and now I can. It's just like, let it be. It is what it is, and you can't change it. I know now really that I need to stop putting things so lightly to myself, and I have started being very blunt in my mind and imagining the worst. I was so angry yesterday because of just facebook and recently added pictures. I think it's just finally starting to hit me that he doesn't give a shit, and I think I'm learning that by acting the way I am I'm not doing anything for him to think of me any differently. Part of me still gets bummed when I realize how winter break wrecked this friendship thing, now he is hesitant of us hanging out. Though he is, i'm not jumping at the chance to spend time with him because I feel like if I'm the only one trying, then what's the point? He doesn't text me anymore I just kind of give in every once and awhile.

So lately, I've been having really strange dreams. I used to have nightmares about his girlfriend, I'm not going to lie. Just dreams where she could do everything and I nothing. Or ones where everyone talked about how beautiful she was. But now I'm having dreams where I'm in relationships with random people. Like people i've met along my life path. It's the weirdest thing it's kind of like What does this mean?

I mean it's kind of funny, but you know. So, that's just my conclusion. Let what is, just be. I am going to accept the fact that I can't do anything. The only thing that still bugs me is seeing him on the bus and how ridiculous we act towards each other. Like we're these good friends that have no stress in our lives. "How was your day?" "oh it was lovely, and yours?" We just seem to ignore the problems. And then there was me texting him last night and he said "We may be able to hang out but no more cheating okay?" It's like yeah, because that was all my fault.

Okay crossing the need to know information line. ONE MORE THING! Our first cheer competition is on the 7th of February and I'm kind of excited. We tried on our cheer sizes last night. They are so small, but make me look so skinny it's kind of flattering lol.

Anyways, I'll write later.

See ya
XOKRISTEN

FUCK FUCKING LIFE

Well It's fucking final. Nothing has really set me off, nothing has been technically done. But everytime I start feeling like I should be chris' friend again I torture myself with the reality of what's going on. Fucking facebook, fucking life. He is not going to be my friend. I'm so angry.

So angry I can't even word this right now.

Wow this just doesn't get any better does it?

I'm starting to have somewhat of a positive outlook on this world. It came to me today when I was reciting a speech I would give to someone in my head. About how I try my best to see myself the way everyone else see's me, because that's the reality of my life. Our minds kind of just trap us all, make things bigger than they actually are.

Well, at least that's what I tell myself. Just so I can hold onto my own insanity. For some reason the only thing that keeps me somewhat stable is knowing that other people go through this, that this will happen to most people in their lifetime, and that it's just some teen drama thing.

I try my best to make my situation seem like its unimportant. I mean, it is, technically. Just right now, I've been positive because there is nothing else to be. Life just kinda keeps on going. I go to school, I come home. I go to work, I come home. I just can't really do anything else. There's this one phrase that has been lingering in my mind this entire week. Something I keep picturing myself saying to Chris. It's a bit dramatic but its "I not only think your completely over your feelings for me, but I think your completely over having me in your life"

I dunno. I guess if I were him I'd do the same thing, partially because I know if there is anything left between us, he's not going to let anything happen. Not that I really want it to, because I don't really think I need the grief. But, part of me feels like he just wants me gone, but yet the other half feels like he knows that he can't talk to me if he wants me to stop having feelings for him. It sucks. Little things just remind me of everything and I just think about how quick the goodtimes seemed to come and disappear. I think they were shorter than the bad times when I think about it. It was like four months, and it's almost coming to the four month mark I think. Since I've been unhappy, miserable and dramatic.

Eh I dunno anymore. Talking to him on the bus for the brief ten seconds I see him is like talking to wallpaper. He doesn't really care, nor do I think he wants to care about what I have to say. I have his stupid Christmas card sitting here with the giftcard to starbucks, it's ironic really. When he gave it to me I had this feeling that it might mean we could go more often. He even said that he would pay the next time we went even though he gave me a giftcard.

Sucks. Now I say things to him about hanging out and he avoids the question altogether. It's sad. I know winter break is what did it. But then when I start regretting it I think, well if it didn't happen then, it would have happened somehow someway. We would end up becoming strangers anyways. I'm trying to embrace it. Trying to see it as a new beginning.

As well, as I expected, resisting texting him and talking to him has done nothing. He just stops texting me too. Not a word from him these days. I still can't believe when I write about it I still get that pang of pain right in that little spot on the left of my chest. It's like, am I really that terrible? I did all I could I really did. But today he got on the bus and his girlfriend was out there and he watched her until we couldn't see the school anymore and I just thought about how terrible this world is. I always try to think everyone else goes through this, but then they all find someone else.

Even my broken hearted cousin has moved on from her boyfriend that she had for nearly a year. This really cool girl in my drama class named Andrea has a new boyfriend and I was like entranced by them today watching them flirt and being all young and in new love and what not. It made me melt, but at the same time I considered cutting my wrists.

Chris is terrible. He really is.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Aammmmmmm saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Lifffffffffffe sucks.
Fuck.

:( :( :( :( :(

Wandering through the dungeon of my brain....

It is very cold outside. I keep telling myself that January and February are the worst (Which they are) But march has been known to be a little bitch and I recall it snowing in April last year. It actually won't stop snowing and walking to and from the bus stop isn't fun with the snowflakes getting whipped into your eyes by the wind, and the burning from cold hands. I just kind of hate Edmonton right now. This city can be so beautiful during the summertime when the river isn't frozen and everything is green. Most of this city is in the beautiful river valley anyways.

So, I am literally counting down the days until spring comes. I know its a few more months still. It doesn't help that in my time of depression, it's depressing outside. I am being melodramatic, I'm not depressed persae, I'm just kind of bored with the way my highschool career is going. I know though that grade ten is supposed to be one of the best years and I am not going to remember mine that way. Mines been a rollercoaster of pain and tears and I haven't even really met any good friends. I have quite a few aquantinces, but I haven't been able to force myself upon anyone. Work is making my life really monotonous along with school. Chris is making my life really stressful too, because I'm either worrying about his well being, or what he's up to at least twice a day. I keep reminding myself that he shouldn't even be a factor in my life anymore and it's ridiculous that he still is.

I feel like I'm playing this never ending game. He's kind of ruined my highschool experience to say the least. I realized it very strongly today when I was waiting at the bus stop and I got on a random school special to take me to school and I felt myself a little worried as to who might be on it. Everyone in the West end knows each other and I was scared that his girlfriend would be on the bus or someone else that knows me. The weird thing about Mac girls Is that I only know of like five people from that school, yet they all know me. Getting on the bus I felt like they knew who I was but I didn't know who they were and I was being critisized for my actions during Winter break.

Dam winter break. I have never regretted something so much, and so little at the same time. I mean good news is that I'm not sad anymore. My attitude is literally "I don't give a fuck" I know it couldn't possibly get any more complicated than it already has. And if it does I'm prepared, I'm used to being stepped on. I am used to the feeling of wanting someone and them wanting to kick you. I'm used to gossip and rumours and stares and the whole works. I'm not going to lie, it feels like everyone talks about me. Obviously, they don't. I'm not that important. I'm just trying to imagine my life without the drama and the fear and without Chris.

That's a hard one. But I don't even know him anymore. He doesn't like who he was last year before the summer and I loved that guy. It really hurts me to know that he likes himself better now. I don't know who the fuck he is anymore, nor do I know who I am. Why oh why do I keep letting myself get peed on? (as i so politely put it to alyssa today in science class)

All there's left to do is make no decisions, set nothing in stone, and live my mother fucking life. That's all I've wanted for some while now. If he texts me, he texts me. If he ignores me, he ignores me. If we become strangers that see each other on the bus every once and awhile and look at each other for just a milisecond trying to remember what we were and then move on with our lives, then so be it. I just want a clean slate. Highschool is not what I expected in the sense that all the people I've met, know people that I've known. There is no clean slate. Too many people know my ex boyfriend, too many people know his girlfriend. Too many people learned who I was. Or who they thought I was.

This world is just complete and utter bullshit. Now that he's changing so much I feel obliged to do as he does and try the things he does not to lose him, but that's what needs to happen. I need to lose him, his baggage, and his stupid drama that he carts around with him everywhere. It's incredibly hard to believe we used to be these innocent, cute, naive little people that had these huge and innocent little crushes on each other that turned into this relationship that I thought to believe was very real. Now it has turned to shit and all we do is fight about drugs and alcohol and friends and life. It's very unnerving. I know he's brought me here. I know the whole drugs bit was because of my own self esteem issues and wanting to go through life moving up when he did. Experiencing the things he did. It's the strangest thing to try and explain.

But shit, I'm exhausted. I have exams coming up, I'm planning on going into my autopilot mode. Block out everyone that causes me to fall to my knees, namely Chris. I'm going to study my ass off, eat lots of food because I'm currently hungry, and make plans with Carson since that has been my intention for almost a month. I am seriously considering switching schools. This whole highschool thing is not what it has been cracked up to be in my opinion.

I want to scream!

Maybe I should.

This semester ends in four days. It's hard to believe we've come this far. Hard to believe I've fallen this hard, sacrificing my own happiness to stay in touch with people. It's so incredibly hard to believe that this is where we are today. When everything that I knew ended in October I looked through my mind and said "On the bright side, this will all be gone by January"

I should have known better that it would be the exact same if not worse. I'm still trying to piece together how my life would be now if Winter break hadn't happened. Probably alot smoother. Why can't everyone just accept each other and love each other? This is unneccessary.

On a final note, I finished the last book in the Twilight Saga. I could cry that i've read all there is to read about Bella and Edward. Their love story actually melts my heart, how much they love each other. Who cares that it's just a silly book. It's how i've always wished my reality to be. I think I'm just going to go off into the corners of my mind for a few weeks. Let myself wander within this dungeon called my brain and imagine better and happier things.

That's what I'll do.

XoKristen

I think you should shoot me

I am humming and hawing again. You know, being annoying, pondering life and my miserable existance. I was thinking today, reflecting on the past couple days that have been nothing but working at Sportmart, getting my hands dirty and very full of killing myself kind of thoughts.

I had to work again today. I was very upset with that in the first place. I anticipated last night when I arrived at work that I wouldn't have a shift again until next week. Kim 'accidently' put me down for Sunday, two weeks in a row which I have told her sternly a few times that I have cheer for three hours and it is impossible for me to come into work. She said "Well you will have to switch a saturday shift with someone."

Augh! It wasn't hard. What kind of self respecting person that works on a saturday not want to work on a sunday instead? So poo I had to work. I don't really care, course that would moderately be a lie because I do sortaaa care. But I like the fact that while I'm working and thinking about how much it sucks that I'm there I think "I'm gonna get paaaaid!" And then I don't really mind as much.

The annoying part about work today was that I was the youngest person there by several years. I'm the little kid at my work. Fifteen is apparently really little and small, and so everyone I was on shift with today was at least 20 years old. There is a boy at my work named Matt who is 17, apparently has a little thing for me. It hadn't even crossed my mind because I've been so consumed with my own mind to even notice that growing and become something that people at my work talk about. Anyways my boss and the other assistant manager Leanne were making fun of me today and giggling about how cute it was and how he and I had to go on a date. I was just kinda like, Huh? It's not that I'm cold hearted and I don't like him but it's funny, one of those things that I hadn't even been aware of going on around me because while I was at work texting and people assumed it was Matt, it was actually arguing with Chris and having life altering dilemmas over our cellphones.

So that was weird. Leaving work they were all convinced I was going to go out with him tonight to a movie or something. I just shrugged and told them i'd tell them all about it. I won't because there is no movie. I'm at home in my sweats with my hair soaking wet eating a pizza pop. Yeyyyahh, not going out tonight.

ANYWUHS, I'm still the same. No breakthroughs or anything. In the shower today I was thinking about things as I usually do (go figure) and how I just can't give a fuck anymore. I'm actually really scared for Chris and the choices he's making. A few of those dummys that I hang out with are graduating from Weed and moving on into the harder drugs. Weed, I am mostly alright with. Anything else and you've crossed lines.

So, these friends of his, boys that I love like my big brothers are scaring the shit out of me and convincing Chris he needs to do it too. When I heard that my first reaction was to burst into tears. I can't even tell you how terrifying it is to see someone you once really loved for being so pure and innocent, turn into this peer pressured fanatic who would probably do meth if his friends were doing it. I like to think he has his own mind and I like to think that one day he'll tell them that whole scene isn't for him but I can't be certain. I know now that there are too many problems being affliated with being his friend because I care about him more than he cares about himself which automatically makes him care even less about me.

I have reached a dead end. I feel like I've been fighting this for years, trying to keep hold of the person that he is. It's all so frusterating. Leaving him will be the most logical choice, and the most painful.

Fuck, he never leaves me with any options. But like I've said, I'm tired of being broken. Because for one thing being fifteen everyone thinks that I'm bubbly and a breath of fresh air, a girl whose in love with life. But actually, I'm just incredibly selfish and self absorbed and if someone were to ask if I were upset and I told them my little story about my ex boyfriend loving another girl they would make one of those snort laugh noises because it sounds ridiculous. But to me, it's my life. I love people all too easily and I've always been the one who gets hurt the easiest because I'm loyal and I don't do the whole chase thing. It's true that boys like a chase.

And I'm not a challenge. Everyone knows that. I hate life. I dislike the majority of the people I hangout with because everything reminds me of fucking Westminster. Westminster is like this looming dark cloud over my life, if everything doesn't top it, then everything is shit. I hear songs that I remember from the end of grade nine and I just melt into the floor.

Words don't even do it anymore. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. If I could say it bluntly; I'm severely attracted to my ex boyfriend whom I adore still who hates me, who doesn't want to hang out with me because he knows all to well what will happen, who loves his girlfriend than he's ever loved me, and this entire sentence may infact be a lie because I am so full of angst and hatrid and despair that I can't tell reality from the make believe.

So who knows what I'm even saying.

At least this is the last week of school and then I get two weeks off again for exams. (Which isn't necessarily a good thing) I'm excited to see Carson who always brings me back to grade 8 and Westminster and makes me feel like I'm destined to be weird. God I miss my old life. I really really miss it.

BUT I AM SETTING THIS IN STONE RIGHT NOW! I HATE HOW OFTEN I TALK ABOUT THIS SAME PROBLEM, THAT'S BEEN MY PROBLEM FOR THREE GOING ON FOUR MONTHS. LONGER THAN I WAS EVEN WITH THE BOY.

Good news: Today it smelt like spring. Don't knock my swagger because I know it's like the beginning of January and it will be the end of March before the snow even starts to disappear but it was warm today and for a brief moment when the front door of Sportmart opened I smelt that scent that the world inhibits while the snow is melting away. It was a nice change, seeing that soon the snow will hopefully be gone.

Work was ridiculous and chaotic today.

I can't even talk about it.

Chimo...

hahahhahahhaa.

"All My life I've been looking for a rainbow"

"Sometimes When you love someone you want to believe they're good"
I still don't know how my mind works. I'd like to tell all of you that I am so insane because I am an overly philosophical being, but I think it's just because I overthink everything from the shoes on my feet and the clouds in the sky.

Today was definitely interesting. Very isolated. I've grown accustumed to being alone and being let down. It's somewhat of a safe haven for me. I'm starting to realize my resistance towards talking to Chris. It doesn't say too much since I've felt this way before and look where it took me. I just mean that everytime I get this shuddering urge to text him, I picture the direction our conversation would go and then I resist it. It's great to know that I have the power to control whom I talk to. (Eye roll) It's just a large step for me to realize that I don't need his skinny shoulder to support myself.

It hurts, but lately I have been feeling almost statuesque. My mind is working but my heart isn't, and I don't have it in me to feel hurt. I just keep telling myself, repeating over and over in my mind "Why would you want to be with someone whose treated you this way?" And I am well aware that I have been avoiding the sad truth lately which is that Chris is not who is was, nor will he ever be that sweetheart to me again. It's hard to run those things over in your mind because like Lauren Conrad said "When you love someone, you want to believe their good" You do everything you can to make up explanations in their mind for why they've done something to you.

I have come up with every excuse in the book. I have even come up with these thoughts that "He says he is over me because he knows he can't like me" Things like that just bring me right back down to the bottom. The thing's i've been saying to myself are no doubt unpleasant, but they need to be said. I feel like i'm toughening myself up for something huge, but even still it seems like I see his name everywhere and every thing reminds me of a memory. He made me this Card for Christmas and it sits right beside my laptop, Willow. It's menacing it really is. It's hard to not grab it every five seconds to read that one line that says 'I don't know where I would be without a friend like you' Course, I've melted over that several times and then I think about what he's said to me and how the best friend thing is only this slip in his small mind. The starbucks card he gave me sits on the corner of my desk like it has a virus or something. Even looking at it makes me cringe. I haven't even used it, and have been to starbucks like twelve times since it became my posession. The good thing about this, unlike My Alyssa-poo's problem is that I have nothing to lose. The bad thing is, I have nothing to lose. It's scary that Chris knows me so well I know he can predict and will, everything I do.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Probably just that I want to stop talking about this as much as anyone reading this does. But it's like poision I swear. Today at work I worked with this blonde bubbly girl named Laney-Rae. She's like on my top list of people I prefer to work with. She's so much fun and we've cried from laughing so hard. Tonight while we were closing I was putting Shoes back on the shelves and I started getting on the topic of how grade 9 was the best year of my life because she's in grade 9. I actually, (I can't believe I did this) talked for about 20 minutes about Chris and how everyone hates me now because of Winter break and how I think he's so attractive that it hurts that he's been mine before but that I let him go. I even told her about the time that his girlfriend got on my bus a few days ago. I told her she wanted to kill me. She asked me a million questions about what i'd done to deserve being hated by his girlfriend she said "Did you yell at her?" I said "no." "Did you call her names?" "No" This went on for quite some time, and then I Told her and my story continued about how bad I felt.

When I was done I was still at the top of this ladder looking down on her surprised face. I still can't believe I told this nevertheless stranger my entire life story. (As of now anyways) I was so embaressed and wanted to get out of SportMart so quickly. I still feel the heat in my cheeks talking about it.

So now, the only idea I have left in my mind is to keep holding myself back from contacting him. Let him have his life, make his mistakes. Let myself believe that he's not the angel I always have thought that he was. Let him fall down and scrape his knees and make sure that I'm not always there to catch him just so that later when I'm falling he just pushes me harder towards the ground. I need to give myself that self respsect.

*Sigh* I just wish I could have the summer back. I know I know I know. I say that almost every blog. But.... were the best days of my life. I'm entirely heartbroken that its so gone. The massive piles of snow and -30 degree weather is an instant reminder of how far gone it is everyday. I'm feeling very emo sitting here right now, my table lamp has "Summer '08, Never forget" Written on it messily in Sharpie. I wrote that when Chris was over in July.

Fuck. Life stings man. It REALLY stings.

XoKristen

Captain Asshole, Kristen's your bitch and the belt story

Why is life so inconsistant? Like is it necessary for the world to give me grief at the exact same time as it gives me happiness? Earth to life, they clash! It's so stupid. If my life were a movie, it'd go something like this:

The scene is set in a vast meadow. The sky is a dark blue and has very few stars in it. The camera grazes delicately accross the starless sky. It swoops down and a maze is present. It's just as large as the world itself. (In theory)

Well, that's all I've gotten so far. But I can promise you I won't leave out any key elements. Like the wild bears that are hungry for human flesh, and the attack of the happiness eating plague bugs. As you can see, I've put alot of thought into it. But really, when I think of life according to me I just see this insane colorful picture with few splotches of orange and yellow, alot of red and black, and maybe a few of white. Just too much disarray for myself to handle.

Too much! My head is like this chamber of secrets. (Wow, should contact Harry Potter! He knows his stuff!) I just can't escape my mind lately. I have very large up moments, and then moments where it all comes crumbling back down again. This morning was terrible. I had been texting Timothy who was encouraging me to hate Chris. I can't say I disagree but then he said "Hate him and imagine all the things him and Sarah were doing together while he turned his back to you" Like really? REALLY? Do you REALLY want to cross the line like that?

I was in the middle of Spanish Class, in the stupid language Lab on the stupid computers practicing the verbs Ser and Estar and I almost burst into tears. I went into autopilot because I can't handle the reality of my life. The screen was just this screen that hurt my eyes, the people around me were just there. I could have cared less about my miserable and stupid existance.

That's what talking about these things does to me. Lisa, Rebecca and I went to Westmount at Lunch and not even their interesing lunchtime chatter could snap me out of it. There were couples everywhere and little dark haired girls everywhere just like his girlfriend. I have enough issues trying to see things logically, better yet blocking out those images in my mind.

It really burned. It cut pretty deep I'll say.

Thank god for Drama class though, it's all I can say. It brought my mood right back up on the moodometer. Paulina made me laugh, and singing in front of my class brought up my confidence all over again. After crying from laughter in drama, I went to math where we had a subsitute (whom I felt bad for because face it; subs are pretty much the target of humiliation the minute they walk in the door) She wasn't really a match for my highschool math class. Everyone was talking and blaring music. At one point this kid Clay turned up his ipod as loud as it could go and played Hannah Montana.

It was funny, I like when people around me talk to me. Like Kyle and Keily. I enjoy conversation with new people. It makes me feel special like; wow, I'm actually good enough to be spoken too!

So when the day was over I was in a jolly mood. Even when the bus was late and the bus driver didn't even seem to give a shit that we had to wait outside in a blizzard, I was still riding that high horse. Chris got on the bus and I kept myself as leveled as I could, and I did well. Better than yesterday. I still say things that I mentally kick myself in the face for afterwards.

Course, then I remind myself that he doesn't care and I feel less terrible about it. It's really quite amazing how little he cares. He has no urge to really see me outside of school other than for a few minutes on the bus, I know he has no urge to text me. And I did a really nice thing for him today, who knows why I let myself do it, but I did. And I still get the cold shoulder. If your reading this THANKS FOR TEXTING ME BACK MORON!

*Mumble* Assholes. I can do this though. I am confident in my strength. Although the belt thing was a fail. What's the belt 'thing' you ask? Well first of all I want to go into a rant about my father, only because I think something must have crawled up his ass and died because he's always yelling at me about responsibility and I do better than most of my friends in that department.

He's just yelling at me right now about leaving the television on on the first floor. It's a reasonable complaint, although one thing I need to mention is that he is the biggest drama queen on this planet. He's screaming at me about where the remote is, I tell him it's on the couch and then he screams "Where is the remote? I can't hear you the TV is on!"

Like...shut up. I am a very respectful person, probably the most respectful person you'll come across because he's hammered it into me. Everything is 'disrespectful'. Dropping something on the stairwell is disrespectful. Tripping and falling down the stairs can be disrespectful if it's loud. I can tell him "Dad, I fell" and he'll say "No Kristen, you JUMPED. Stop being so disrespectful" It's like, Um kai thanks. I purposely launched myself off the stairwell just to fall and make a huge noise and hurt my fucking ass in the process. Yes, I will show you more respect next time. And his whole sherade today about my boots bringing in 'mud'. Oh my god haha as I'm writing this he's over my shoulder in my ear saying "At least you remembered to feed the bird today, thanks for that" Sarcastic bumhole. I didn't even have time to tell you about the 'mud' *cough* snow at the front door because he was already up in my ear. He gets really pissed off at me because I track mud into the house from the front door. He said to me today as I walked into the house "Do you want me to grab a vaccum so you can vaccum all of this up after your shower" And I said "Well depends, it'll probably have melted by then" And he gets down and inspects the carpet (Which is there for the sole purpose of outdoor footwear) And says "No, I'm talking about all the little grains that you tracked in here) And I bend down and see fucking nothing and roll my eyes jokingly and he starts acting like hes going to hit me. (Which he does often) Saying I am very disrespectful and he;s never going to do anything nice for me again and started mocking me saying "Thanks Dad, Thanks for making me dinner and talking me to get my belt punched" Which is a story all it's own!

Now that I'm done talking about Captin Asshole, I'll tell you about Captain Kristen-gets-owned-by-her-ex. Basically, I bought Chris a belt for Christmas from FCUK. It's quite snazzy, leather belt, metal buckle all shiny and what not. But he is scary skinny and the holes wern't in the right place. So I lied and told him I was getting my belt punched tonight so I could take him to get his done as well. He thanked me and what not, and when I got home today I frantically called around looking for a Shoe repair place close to my dads house. They closed at 5 and I got my dad to race over there and lied telling him it was my belt I needed punched because I didn't want him swearing about how Chris was an asshole and didn't deserve it. Which...he doesn't.

So I got four holes cut for him, not just one. And paid two bucks plus gas to get over there, froze my ass off and left my dinner until later even though I was starved, just for this stupid belt. I texted him, (it's my weakness, I'm sorry!) and told him I got it punched and he said "Oh thanks. Does it look good?" And I said yes, but it cost two dollars! And he hasn't said anything back. Like, thanks for the consideration.

He sucks. And I suck for being his bitch when he doesn't know I'm his bitch. This whole moving on thing has become alot more of a puzzle than I anticipated. Damnit.

DAMNIT!

XoKristen

P.S. ALYSSA WRITE A BLOG I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU!

I WANT TO BE HAPPY

So, new little thang you may not have heard in awhile. I had a good ish day. I know, I'm about as surprised as you are. I am finding myself inside my head alot, and thinking alot, but its bringing me to a higher place. I've been able to rationalize everything, and like I always that doctor Phil does, I've put reality to myself bluntly and it's really waking me up.

I think that's a big problem that people have. Weighing down their problems. You know, saying something might turn out to your advantage. Its best to just assume that life is going to suck. In my opinion anyways. That way when something bad happens, you expect it, when something good happens, it's like the heavens have sent a ray down just for you.

One thing is for sure, I am sick and tired of being miserable. I can't function anymore. It's affected my focus in school, my friendships with people. I literally cannot stand myself. And I hate it. Something needs to change. I'm already starting to let it go. I don't know with Chris, I really don't. I feel very very dumb still. But we've been here and done this about a thousand times so I won't go into it.

Good thing, I am in a more pure state of mind. I need to fix myself, and that's just what I plan to do. School is very distracting, something I mildly forgot on the break. I did a science test today, and I know it was NOT my best. Probably closer to my worst actually. I do okay in science. Drama class was alot of fun, I look forward to that class everyday because it means that it's time to let myself go and free myself. Basically, I know who I am and I know who I'm not. Drama is such a haven for me.

The bus ride home wasn't even bad. I have this great talent of acting like I am the happiest person on earth. I doubt many people have any idea that I have been borderline suicidal a couple of times in these past months. I guess you just have to conquer yourself and realize that these things really are a part of life. I find comfort when I see that other people have gone through this same thing. It's like when you try to picture yourself as someone on the outside looking in, you see how much your wasting your breath on one person who doesn't matter. That really is what it comes down to.

I am not going to be kicked around anymore for someone I really care about. If it's not the same on their end, then forget it. I've played the loser for too long.

So, I'm worried about Alyssa because I don't want Alyssa, the girl with the smiley brighten-up-your-day face to fall into a deep and dark hole as I have been in. Life can be fun, and I'm trying to let myself have it but I'm struggling. This weekend I have a party to go to on Saturday. Get this; It's a SportMart party! I think that's hilarious. I'm looking forward to it. The people at my work really are a breath of fresh air, and I think I may have just figured out why that is.

It's because they know nothing about me, it's a completely fresh slate to start over and let people build their own judgements on me, based on what they see from me. Going into highschool you think that you will get a clean slate, but in a city where every kid knows every kid from some other kid, everyone already knew my name somehow. It just got worse after everything with Chris. I am quite the talked about topic I realized today, and it's ridiculous. I'm me. I'm nothing special! I was talking to my dad in the car yesterday on the way to work about how alot of the Mac girls call me 'Kristen May Huggett' because my facebook has my middle name in it.

My dad started ranting about how girls need to get their own lives he said "there are twenty fucking million relationships going on and they choose to focus on yours?" I just laughed.

Speaking of dads, he's screaming right now. I think he dropped a plate or something, I heard a clang. So I'll definitely write later.

Queen of despair and suicidal thoughts

So, Don't think I'm an asshole. This 'post a secret' doesn't necessarily apply to me. I've just been thinking alot. Even more than usual perhaps. Happiness seems like such a luxury right now. I crave it so much. It'd be nice to feel carefree. That's what I want.

My dad and I were having yet another conversation today. He told me about how he likes to think he's pretty philosophical, and I guess I'm the same way. It's one of the few reasons I think I'm still moderately sane. I don't know how many people can talk themselves out of sucide and feeling like dying like I can. I came to a basic conclusion, something that is a combination of what I want, and how things should be.

First of all, talking about Chris kills me. Hearing his name, hearing her name. It's like a blow to the face, I really can't stand it. People say things like "it doesn't matter, he doesn't go to our school"
But teenagers are fucking dumb, and everyone has connections. His school is down the street for godsakes. When I say down the street I mean literally, I could walk to his school. It doesn't help that his girlfriend was on my bus this morning and he afterschool. It doesn't help anything. I try my best to act like I think I should, but how is that exactly? Seeing his girlfriend made me feel like a bitch, it made me scared, it made me feel ugly. That's a good word to describe it. She is so pretty I actually felt like killing myself in that very moment. Of course I'm not as good as her. Of course.

The thing I have trouble dealing with is how much this has damaged my self confidence. I used to think I was alright, that I was someone that was pretty to alot of people, and normal to most. I used to think that my personality was really infectious. I mean, I liked to think that. But now I'm not so sure. I love this boy. Not exagerating. I know what love is. I know what its like to love someone, although there is a substantial difference between being in love and loving someone. And I have never been one for change, I am so obsessed with the small picture that when things are alright I want them to stay that way. It kills me at night to lay there and think about who Chris was, who I was, who we were together. I get myself thinking these things and then I think "How could I ever let that go?" Those are the times when I am set on having a friendship with him.

But the more thought I put into it, the more I try to have empathy for his situation and how sees the world. I just think, why the trouble? I mean, I know if I just weasled out of his life, let myself stop texting him, calling him, making hangout efforts it wouldn't do anything. He wouldn't call me telling me he missed having me as a friend, he wouldn't text me saying we needed to hang out. I feel like if I did let myself go through with something as painstaking as this, a part of me would feel like it was missing. A part that he's grown to just withold since the end of grade nine last year.

It's just getting to the point now where it was so long ago I can't talk about it, I feel pathetic. I can't say anything to him because he has moved on from me (Or so he says) I like to think that sometimes i'm a penetrating thought in the back of his mind. Something I have been a very teensy bit, but nevertheless there.

What I'm trying to say, is that I need to find a happy medium between great close friends and strangers. Honestly, more than anything I wanted to be his great friend. It was getting to that point again I'm not going to lie, but then those feelings just came back and caused a huge problem. I'm convinced that he's never going to put my feelings first. I mean, he's taken advantage of me for so long, why stop now? I'm like just this other person to him and I wish he'd realize how hard i've tried to be there for him. But as my father always says, why would you want to have a relationship or friendship with someone who doesn't want to have one with you? I can't do all of th work.

Hopefully I can teach myself to backoff without any strings attached. After everything, I just want him to be happy and leave him with his girlfriend. Like, of course I want to punch him in the face when I think hard about it, but I've caused so much trouble. This isn't my place anymore and in my defense he has fucked up my life so much that I can't even eat dinner with my family without it reminding me of how much I'm hurting inside.

I can't keep doing this to myself and him. I am feeling strong, and independant, and like if I focus on the right aspects of my life I can do this. I am so hurt, I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest and cut into pieces. It hurts to swallow, it hurts to be happy, any kind of glimpse of happiness I get I feel this immense pain that I shouldn't be happy, because I don't deserve it. I see people holding hands and my heart just aches because someone used to love me, but I put all the blame on myself no matter what oter people say. I can't hear a girls name thats her name because I picture her in his arms, them both being totally and blissfully happy and all control I have seems to disappear and I just want to melt into the floor and let the end take over me because being dead and having died from physical pain would hurt a thousand times less than this ever has.

It's a never ending daggar that just keeps stabbing at my heart and I can't take it anymore. Ever since saturday, or whatever day it was that I nearly drowned in my own tears streaming down my face and screaming "I am so done" I have known that this situation will have no shortcuts, and overall no happy endings. Karma is bullshit, and if your a good person life doesn't hand you lemons. It is not in the cards, life is an unpredictable thing, it is vile it is painful it is cruel and I am sure of myself that I can't predict anything. Anytime I expect life to lighten the load on me it just comes down that much harder.

At work today, I decided that although I wasn't texting him, I felt slightly empty and unwanted that I wasn't in his mind to text, but decided that the people at work are positive people. They put a smile on my face. They really push me to just exceed and work hard, and new friends are always exciting. My shift today was an actual blast, and i'm finally learning the ways of the Sportmart world, and I'm finally actually telling people where to find things rather than the other way around. School was miserable, since it was the first day back after two weeks, but I get another two weeks off soon in accordance to exam week. Hopefully that two week break will not consist of this heart break.

Good news is that tomorrow is Day A. The good news about that is I have science fourth block. Of course it means I will have to find time tomorrow to complete my homework, but it also means that I will have time to talk with Alyssa and tell her about my break and listen to her woes. I'm really worried now after her last blog. I don't want her to be in pain, and once the minimal pain starts its usually very rare that it stops before it gets worse. Mickey Vee, if your reading this I'm here for you! In the land of miserable and angsty teenagers I am the queen of despair and suicidal thoughts! I'm here!

XoKristen

The pain is overwhelming now.

So, Life is gay. That's just the jist of it. I am so angry right now. So angry. So mad at the world that this could still be happening again. I had a talk with my father today, just driving around edmonton and our to Muir lake to check out a house possibility. I told him, something I concoted from the bowels of my mind that in order to get over sadness, it needs to get turned into anger.

He nodded and looked at me sadly just to agree. I know now what I should do in order for this to go away, I just don't know if I want to. It will hurt alot along the way. But haven't I had enough hurt these past couple of months? I am absoulutely furious and enraged with Chris. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, and I really don't want to hear his attempts at helping me move on from him. I am convinced he is a heartless asshole who doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. For once, I feel bad for his girlfriend. She's the only other person on this planet that's ever had to deal with his bullshit. I feel strangely connected to her even though I moderately ruined her life this past week. I can't even tell you how much regret I've had over that.

All I know is that when I text Chris, think about him, my cheeks get hot and I get this burning feeling in my stomach and I feel like yelling at him and shouting profanity and basically just murdering myself. Then, when I see him I immedietely miss the old Chris. The happy, loving and caring Chris from the summertime. That is exactly what he's not, and exactly what I'm holding onto. Ive been trying to force myself to believe that I don't matter to him for months, and up until last weekend I was almost there.

But this needs to stop. This is nothing to him, it's the world to me. And he hasn't even told her the entire story. I don't even know if Karma exists anymore. Of course I'm going to be blamed for all of this, going to get conjured as the bad guy, the whore, the menace. Whatever. I wish I could tell all of them the actual truth. When I finally get past these feelings, a hundred percent, once and for all like he claims to have done, I'm not going to hold back on telling the world the truth. I think his girlfriend and I both deserve that much.

He really gets to me. And last night was the first time in forever that I cried myself to sleep. He is the most inferior person I have ever met, and although I swore I would never blog into detail about him or his life I feel like he has done nothing to deserve me protecting what I say just for his sake. I shouldn't do him any favors. All I know is these nexts few months are going to be interesting and probably unbearably painful. I've always imagined myself turning my back and walking away for good, but that's only a small part of it that will hurt. The part that will kill me, is that I know he won't follow. He won't try to make me stay his friend. He won't care. And picturing myself in a world where he won't be on the bus smiling, where he won't be asking me to go to Starbucks with him and just talk about life, where he won't be a great friend to me. It hurts immensely to picture that and I hate the feeling I get imagining that. It really hurts.

It really hurts.

But I know myself, I know the thing's he's said to me:
"I know it's hard to love someone when they love someone else"
The incredibly obnoxious, ridiculous and retarded things he thought he was right about.
"You need to get over me. Once and for all, because I already have"
The most inferior, heartless person I have ever met.
And I am not afraid to say that, I hate him.
I hate his ability to leave me behind, I hate the way that he feels like he could go through the fire and flames and not once need me by his side, I hate how he always thinks he knows how I'm feeling and that the thing's he says are what's best, I hate his ignorance towards this whole situation. I hate him, but I love who he was. And I have been trying for too long to see that person that he was.

But he's gone.

And now after reading Alyssa's blog I'm worried that she's going to get hurt. Relationships don't seem worth it to me sometimes, Building up so much love and trust in a person just to find yourself completely lost when they dettatch from you. To find yourself searching for a way out of this muffling and drowning feeling called love. I want out.

I want out so bad. I just wish there were some way on this earth for him to want to hold on to me. But I can't make those feelings appear.

More Happiness, Chocolate Cheesecake, and the worst employee ever

I feel immensley happier than I have been feeling today. I mean, for a solid three days no words have been said that are in any way heartbreaking. I feel better, again I know it won't last so I've spent my time bracing myself.

Elly doesn't hate me anymore. She never actually did, it was just my insecurities and fear of losing her that I assumed that she did. Now at least I'm a little less fearful of going back to school. The only thing though, that thinking of school makes me think of Chris and then I feel quite a bit more emotional. But, I'm not going to give up. I am determined to find a commonplace between him and I. Just being good friends and not having people worry about what our motive is. I feel like I'm being restrained. Again, I miss him.

I was supposed to work today, but after texting Matt I decided not to go. It's a long story, but Kim just kind of guilted me into working some extra hours. Technically, it wasn't a shift. I feel a bit bad, only because I got Matt to tell her I wasn't coming. I should have called her myself, but picturing her running around the store frazzled changed my mind about that one.

I watched Twilight again last night with my father. I have fallen even more in love with Edward Cullen now that I am on the fourth and final book. I am an incredibly fast reader when I'm into a book, and I'll be sad when I finish this series. Then all I will have to look forward to is the amazing movies to come!

Anyways, tomorrow it's back to the chopping block. Christmas break's been weird for me. Kind of like none of it was real. Frozen in time. I have cheer tomorrow for the first time in two weeks, and I have to get down to all my science homework that I got assigned on the last day before the break. I'm excited to get back to my life, but I'm scared. I really really want things to be normal between Chris and I, and Elly and I, and just the rest of the peoples relationships that I have pulverized.

*sad*

I'm getting a new phone this week though hopefully, something to look forward too.

XoKristen

Tears, Forbade, and grief. Hah.

So, I'm kind of worried right now. Not about myself really, just my future. I'm honestly so overwhelmingly scared to let myself fall into a place of security. I'm terrified to really feel happy, because it's not my comfort place. I'm more comfortable being miserable because at least I know that I can't fall any lower. It's incredibly scary.

I'm not allowed to see Chris. It had been kind of a heartbreaking realization, but part of me just wants to give up and accept the fate that I need to embrace. That I can't be apart of his life forever. Maybe I just need to accept that by being around I'm making things worse instead of let myself be so incredibly selfish to force myself to stay around. On the other side of the coin I can't bear to think of letting someone walk out of my life that I'm so used to having around when I need them. That's an important person to me no matter what people think is going on. No matter how big of an asshole people have said. Things are just going on that I don't think anyone can really comprehend and I don't even feel like there is a middle ground. I feel like either one way or the other things are going to end on a sad note. That scares me. I miss him... I probably shouldn't be saying that.

Anyways, It's friday. School is on monday. I'm not quite looking forward to it. I am partially, just to be able to get my life back on track again. To have something to focus on and not be so caught up in being at home. I hate being at home sometimes. It makes me feel so vulnerable to say the least. I have been sitting at home all day today and yesterday. I guess just letting myself feel sorry for myself. It's part of the grieving process I tell myself.

So, I'm going to my dads tonight. I have myself all packed up. The Christmas break is over before it even really started. I hate myself moderately for wrecking the second half of it. For doing what I did, and letting it happen. My overall summary is that the first week was fun for me, it was relaxing and great to see my family. Last weekend was astounding for me and I was briefly happy because I thought that weekend would change things but it just made things worse. And somehow I have this feeling deep in my throat that no matter what happens it's still going to turn out against what I prefer. I have this feeling that I can't win this. It's almost become a game. But I don't think I want to win anyways. I wish I could just take it all back. Or change the circumstances. Because I really wanted it to mean something. But it can't.

It's frusterating. My life is extremely frusterating. Getting back to school will mean more drama for myself, and more schoolwork, and semester exams. That's kind of overwhelming. That the first semester of highschool is already reached it's end. I actually can't believe it. I think strongly about this summertime still, if its possible to believe I am still grasping onto those times. I just can't get over the fact that everyone is so different now. I don't know who anyone is, I wish I could just freeze time. The Kristen that I was, was the Kristen that was just bursting with happiness and bliss. I really had nothing to worry about until the end of the summer. I miss that. So much. I watch the old KandKLINK videos and I feel like bursting into tears. It's gut wrenching. Because it's my fault that's so far gone. It's been too long and I don't want to fight for this anymore. I have already lost.

My daddy's here now though. I'm happy to get to his house. It's just in time, because I have been feeling like killing my mother this week. It's just in time to get away. So, see you!

Happy New Years

Happy '09 People! I was probably the own person in Edmonton last night that didn't want 2009 to come. If I could I would have pressed "Pause" and then just live in that moment for the rest of my life. I don't have any new years resolutions, I didn't even spend new years with a bunch of people that I'm close with. I had the most ridiculous last ever last night, and I can't get over how stupid my Christmas holidays have been.

I mean, I am truly heartbroken. I am so sad I can't even tell you. Not only was I in fear the entire night last night that I'd run into Sarah, I also almost died of frost bite. We went to Moxies which is right behind my work for dinner. I already ate, so it was kind of retarded. It was probably the only highlight of my evening. I should have spent it with different people though, I only say that because Rebecca is very defensive and if you stick her with Lisa and Paulina there is alot of bickering and bitterness in the conversation. We were laughing and picking at fries and calamary. We always try to fool the waiters that were 18, but I don't think we fooled him. When we left from there we walked to the bus stop and took the bus all the way to the mall and back to my house.

It was ridiculously cold, so cold that I can't believe I kept my spirits up as much as I did. Waiting for the bus was painful, and then when we got back into our neighborhood we split up because Rebecca just had to get different socks and make herself beautiful. The taxi's were all fucked up last night because it was new years, so calling for one means it can take up to an hour for one to arrive. We waited and it was actually on time, we drove around looking for this ridiculous party. The adress was wrong, so the taxi like, dumped us out by the wrong house. We found some other people we knew trudging through snow through the streets in mobs looking for this party, when we found it the person who was throwing it had already kicked everyone out.

It was the most frusterating thing of my life. We were outside for like an hour and it was probably minus 30. When we finally decided we would go back to my house and figure everything out we had met up with Zaina so there were the five of us on the verge of tears because we were so cold.

We got back to my house and stampeded in there towards the fire place. I had mega bad frostbite. We went upstairs and got ready for whatever we thought we were doing. Rebecca had her little shot cup and was playing drinking games while everyone got ready. And then this girl Kelly that I work with texted Zaina since they knew each other and told her she found a party, but it happened to be the one we had just been at. So she and three other people including her boyfriend Paul showed up super drunk and stumbling around my bedroom. Everyone was getting pretty drunk and high by that point and her boyfriend Paul, the only one with a car, couldn't drink because he was the designated driver. Lisa apparently found a party in Wolfridge, (who knew where the fuck that was) And got the adress and what not. So we called a taxi because there was eight of us; Paulina, Rebecca, Lisa, Zaina and I. And then Kelly, Moira, Catherine, and Paul. The taxi company said it could take up to an hour or an hour and a half for a taxi to arrive. It was 11:00 by then. I remember Paulina, drunk, was lying up against the wall laughing saying "We'll get to the party right after midnight! It's perfect!"

So we all pulled together this brilliant plan to do two different trips. Paul would take one group, and come back for the rest of us. But on his way there, the taxi company called Paulina back, who was with the first group, currently with Paul and said the taxi arrived. It only took 15 minutes. So we got in the taxi and drove to this second party. It was really far away. Like very far. Like almost outside of our city far. It was a 30$ cab fare. We got out, found a huge group of kids coming out of another taxi, the same group from the first party.

We found the house, and when we approached it this girl was exiting the house in hysterics screaming that Michelle was going to kick her ass. So we get in there, and we're about to go down into the basement and at this point there is like 20 minutes until New Years. We get in and this ridiculous short girl is standing at the banister screaming at us and I'm kinda like wtf, because I was so out of it, so far away, really didn't want to get kicked out again. She's screaming that if we didn't get out she'd knock someone out, someone would get a black eye. I got kind of scared, so I opened the door, fully ready to sit out in the cold again and call the taxi company. Rebecca and Lisa emerge from the black basement where you can hear shouting and music and this girl is still yelling "We don't fucking know these bitches!" And Lisa says "I was already here" And disappears back into the basement.

That made me really mad. I thought I would be kicked outside again. So I went outside with the girl that was in hysterics and asked her if she wanted gloves or anything, she didn't have a jacket. Looked at the time, ten minutes till New Years. Then the door opens, and the guy that actually owns the house says "Come in, it's fine, its New Years" I should have hugged him.

We went downstairs, found Lisa and Rebecca and Paulina, crawling all over me hugging me and saying glad I made it. I was still kinda pissed at Lisa. The angry chick climbs up on this chair and yells that there is 2 minutes till New years and turns on the countdown. Everyone is yelling to shut the fuck up, and scary drunk guys were going insane shouting to sit down. We all sit down, and countdown and scream Happy New Years!

I was happy for a brief moment there. Some people I don't even know came up to me and hugged me, and Rebecca and Paulina kissed me on the cheek. Just after we arrived, we called another Taxi and left. It was actually borderline ridiculous. I didn't have alot of fun. I was miserable the entire time. I was confined in my own mind, bad things kept happening and I was just pissed off.

I still can't believe this is all happening. One thing is definite though. I am not taking risks with Parties in the winter any longer. I was so cold last night, I was so desperate I contemplated knocking on someones door. I was so cold. And sad. And heartbroken. It never really ends.

So, school in three days. Hell in three days, fear in three days. So scared. Dam, I am in such a bad state of might right now. But what can I really do.

Happy New Years.