"Sometimes When you love someone you want to believe they're good"
I still don't know how my mind works. I'd like to tell all of you that I am so insane because I am an overly philosophical being, but I think it's just because I overthink everything from the shoes on my feet and the clouds in the sky.
Today was definitely interesting. Very isolated. I've grown accustumed to being alone and being let down. It's somewhat of a safe haven for me. I'm starting to realize my resistance towards talking to Chris. It doesn't say too much since I've felt this way before and look where it took me. I just mean that everytime I get this shuddering urge to text him, I picture the direction our conversation would go and then I resist it. It's great to know that I have the power to control whom I talk to. (Eye roll) It's just a large step for me to realize that I don't need his skinny shoulder to support myself.
It hurts, but lately I have been feeling almost statuesque. My mind is working but my heart isn't, and I don't have it in me to feel hurt. I just keep telling myself, repeating over and over in my mind "Why would you want to be with someone whose treated you this way?" And I am well aware that I have been avoiding the sad truth lately which is that Chris is not who is was, nor will he ever be that sweetheart to me again. It's hard to run those things over in your mind because like Lauren Conrad said "When you love someone, you want to believe their good" You do everything you can to make up explanations in their mind for why they've done something to you.
I have come up with every excuse in the book. I have even come up with these thoughts that "He says he is over me because he knows he can't like me" Things like that just bring me right back down to the bottom. The thing's i've been saying to myself are no doubt unpleasant, but they need to be said. I feel like i'm toughening myself up for something huge, but even still it seems like I see his name everywhere and every thing reminds me of a memory. He made me this Card for Christmas and it sits right beside my laptop, Willow. It's menacing it really is. It's hard to not grab it every five seconds to read that one line that says 'I don't know where I would be without a friend like you' Course, I've melted over that several times and then I think about what he's said to me and how the best friend thing is only this slip in his small mind. The starbucks card he gave me sits on the corner of my desk like it has a virus or something. Even looking at it makes me cringe. I haven't even used it, and have been to starbucks like twelve times since it became my posession. The good thing about this, unlike My Alyssa-poo's problem is that I have nothing to lose. The bad thing is, I have nothing to lose. It's scary that Chris knows me so well I know he can predict and will, everything I do.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. Probably just that I want to stop talking about this as much as anyone reading this does. But it's like poision I swear. Today at work I worked with this blonde bubbly girl named Laney-Rae. She's like on my top list of people I prefer to work with. She's so much fun and we've cried from laughing so hard. Tonight while we were closing I was putting Shoes back on the shelves and I started getting on the topic of how grade 9 was the best year of my life because she's in grade 9. I actually, (I can't believe I did this) talked for about 20 minutes about Chris and how everyone hates me now because of Winter break and how I think he's so attractive that it hurts that he's been mine before but that I let him go. I even told her about the time that his girlfriend got on my bus a few days ago. I told her she wanted to kill me. She asked me a million questions about what i'd done to deserve being hated by his girlfriend she said "Did you yell at her?" I said "no." "Did you call her names?" "No" This went on for quite some time, and then I Told her and my story continued about how bad I felt.
When I was done I was still at the top of this ladder looking down on her surprised face. I still can't believe I told this nevertheless stranger my entire life story. (As of now anyways) I was so embaressed and wanted to get out of SportMart so quickly. I still feel the heat in my cheeks talking about it.
So now, the only idea I have left in my mind is to keep holding myself back from contacting him. Let him have his life, make his mistakes. Let myself believe that he's not the angel I always have thought that he was. Let him fall down and scrape his knees and make sure that I'm not always there to catch him just so that later when I'm falling he just pushes me harder towards the ground. I need to give myself that self respsect.
*Sigh* I just wish I could have the summer back. I know I know I know. I say that almost every blog. But.... were the best days of my life. I'm entirely heartbroken that its so gone. The massive piles of snow and -30 degree weather is an instant reminder of how far gone it is everyday. I'm feeling very emo sitting here right now, my table lamp has "Summer '08, Never forget" Written on it messily in Sharpie. I wrote that when Chris was over in July.
Fuck. Life stings man. It REALLY stings.
XoKristen
I still don't know how my mind works. I'd like to tell all of you that I am so insane because I am an overly philosophical being, but I think it's just because I overthink everything from the shoes on my feet and the clouds in the sky.
Today was definitely interesting. Very isolated. I've grown accustumed to being alone and being let down. It's somewhat of a safe haven for me. I'm starting to realize my resistance towards talking to Chris. It doesn't say too much since I've felt this way before and look where it took me. I just mean that everytime I get this shuddering urge to text him, I picture the direction our conversation would go and then I resist it. It's great to know that I have the power to control whom I talk to. (Eye roll) It's just a large step for me to realize that I don't need his skinny shoulder to support myself.
It hurts, but lately I have been feeling almost statuesque. My mind is working but my heart isn't, and I don't have it in me to feel hurt. I just keep telling myself, repeating over and over in my mind "Why would you want to be with someone whose treated you this way?" And I am well aware that I have been avoiding the sad truth lately which is that Chris is not who is was, nor will he ever be that sweetheart to me again. It's hard to run those things over in your mind because like Lauren Conrad said "When you love someone, you want to believe their good" You do everything you can to make up explanations in their mind for why they've done something to you.
I have come up with every excuse in the book. I have even come up with these thoughts that "He says he is over me because he knows he can't like me" Things like that just bring me right back down to the bottom. The thing's i've been saying to myself are no doubt unpleasant, but they need to be said. I feel like i'm toughening myself up for something huge, but even still it seems like I see his name everywhere and every thing reminds me of a memory. He made me this Card for Christmas and it sits right beside my laptop, Willow. It's menacing it really is. It's hard to not grab it every five seconds to read that one line that says 'I don't know where I would be without a friend like you' Course, I've melted over that several times and then I think about what he's said to me and how the best friend thing is only this slip in his small mind. The starbucks card he gave me sits on the corner of my desk like it has a virus or something. Even looking at it makes me cringe. I haven't even used it, and have been to starbucks like twelve times since it became my posession. The good thing about this, unlike My Alyssa-poo's problem is that I have nothing to lose. The bad thing is, I have nothing to lose. It's scary that Chris knows me so well I know he can predict and will, everything I do.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. Probably just that I want to stop talking about this as much as anyone reading this does. But it's like poision I swear. Today at work I worked with this blonde bubbly girl named Laney-Rae. She's like on my top list of people I prefer to work with. She's so much fun and we've cried from laughing so hard. Tonight while we were closing I was putting Shoes back on the shelves and I started getting on the topic of how grade 9 was the best year of my life because she's in grade 9. I actually, (I can't believe I did this) talked for about 20 minutes about Chris and how everyone hates me now because of Winter break and how I think he's so attractive that it hurts that he's been mine before but that I let him go. I even told her about the time that his girlfriend got on my bus a few days ago. I told her she wanted to kill me. She asked me a million questions about what i'd done to deserve being hated by his girlfriend she said "Did you yell at her?" I said "no." "Did you call her names?" "No" This went on for quite some time, and then I Told her and my story continued about how bad I felt.
When I was done I was still at the top of this ladder looking down on her surprised face. I still can't believe I told this nevertheless stranger my entire life story. (As of now anyways) I was so embaressed and wanted to get out of SportMart so quickly. I still feel the heat in my cheeks talking about it.
So now, the only idea I have left in my mind is to keep holding myself back from contacting him. Let him have his life, make his mistakes. Let myself believe that he's not the angel I always have thought that he was. Let him fall down and scrape his knees and make sure that I'm not always there to catch him just so that later when I'm falling he just pushes me harder towards the ground. I need to give myself that self respsect.
*Sigh* I just wish I could have the summer back. I know I know I know. I say that almost every blog. But.... were the best days of my life. I'm entirely heartbroken that its so gone. The massive piles of snow and -30 degree weather is an instant reminder of how far gone it is everyday. I'm feeling very emo sitting here right now, my table lamp has "Summer '08, Never forget" Written on it messily in Sharpie. I wrote that when Chris was over in July.
Fuck. Life stings man. It REALLY stings.
XoKristen
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