All you can do is try

"It's amazing how things can change. How best friends become acquaintances. How acquaintances become something so much more, and how people can change in such a little time. And you can watch all these things happen, and never truly see if for what it is until it turns around and hypothetically hits you in the face. You never quite truly see the people you lose until they're virtually gone, and at that point, it's terribly hard to reel them back into your life. And then there are the people that have always been there, who change, and you can't fully understand what's going on within their heads, but you can't help but reesent what they're turning into, and you can't help but want everything to go back to being the way it was, because those were truly some of the best times you've ever had in your life, and you can't help but be disappointed you let some of your favorite people in life slip through your fingers like sand. You just can't."

It scares me how Alyssa always crawls into my head. Really, I read her blogs and I feel a catch in my throat at the lack of air that has reached my lungs. Anyways, I am watching John and Kate Plus 8. Sometimes I wish that life could just be final like that. Knowing that your future is with your husband and kids, and not being hesitant at all about the direction that life is taking you. I guess that's easy to say, because something could always happen to them.

So, my hair is half straight/ half curly right now. I'm just kind of sitting here, hating on Faceboook. I hate facebook. I really do. I actually just have so much hatrid for it. It's like, if the world would just step back and let me forget about the people in my life that have caused me grief, I would get over them in a matter of weeks. But people, things, especially things like FACEBOOK, allow me direct access into peoples lives that I do not want to see.

Then those people I do not want to speak with, send me messages. These people cause me stress. I realized today how perfectly normal I am still having feelings for someone 5 months after the fact when they contact me every single fucking day expecting me to be on my toes to be of assistance. And that friends is even worse! Because knowing myself, I never back down. I just allow myself to be used over and over and over. No one realizes how I wish I could stop but I just can't, and the lies just seep out of my mouth and this false sense of importance helping people who have shit on me for months.

Whew, Needed to get that out. I started laughing today, recalling the old "I just want you to be happy" line. I've said it a couple times recently and I realize what bullshit it is. You don't want them to be happy. You want them to grovel and miss you. I feel like I'm missing the whole thing here, like why am I still feeling somewhat hurt? Why oh why has this secret just allowed itself to manifest into our lives without any need really of being out in the open. I tell people, he dies. I don't tell people, I do. Funny thing is, AGAIN, FUCKING AGAIN, I feel like I should take the sacrifice. As if I deserve it... hah! I have taken so many punches. If this were a boxing match I would probably, literally be dead by now. These people need to get away from me I'm not even kidding I can't handle the "Well she said" or the "Well I heard" When its about me! I know what really happened and I can unleash the power of it whenever I want. Thing is, I can't because I made a promise because of my own hope to be important.

Ohhhh I suck. I can only keep myself occupied for so long and I start to lose my mind again. As of right now, I'm happy because I could give two shits about him. It just erks me that he's happy. So happy. My life mise well be over. It's hard to deal with. This whole process, however painful has taught me a million things about myself.

It's taught me that; distraction is a great thing. It's taught me that; dwelling on things is the most unique and unexpected kind of torture around. Oh, another thing; Don't lurk his facebook after the fact! Because it quickly becomes a shrine towards his new girlfriend, as if she's climbed into the computer and plastered herself on the screen. This; also makes you realize that you were never this showed off. It has taught me that; It takes a long time to realize that someone is wrong for you. And that you can't stand around for them. They are never coming back. That life is a game to see how much you can take. Show them all wrong. Show them. And that nothing will change how you feel about them when you see them. And that friends really are the best thing to keep you occupied. To get over it, to surround yourself with people that don't come from that scene. To move on. And that happiness comes from yourself, I guess. And that missing someone is the worst pain around, when that someone doesn't even exist anymore. You can't follow that person through the fire because they would never do it for you. *sigh* And perhaps the most interesting thing I have learned out of all of this is I have learned how wrong the drinking and drugs scene is for me. I'm going to Empire tomorrow night, and I plan to party and have a good time. Without the complications. I plan to be happy. You know? I have never tried so hard to be me in so long. I'm sad I have to let it go.

But it is what it is. And I'm ready to embrace a happy time of my life rather than this down in the dumps piece of shit first semester of grade ten that I will remember until I die for being the most painful five months of my entire life so far. I have never been so angry, nor sad. It just sucks I can't get it back. Ever! EVER EVER EVER EVER.

Get happy. :)

XoKristen

All I can do is try.