I WANT TO BE HAPPY

So, new little thang you may not have heard in awhile. I had a good ish day. I know, I'm about as surprised as you are. I am finding myself inside my head alot, and thinking alot, but its bringing me to a higher place. I've been able to rationalize everything, and like I always that doctor Phil does, I've put reality to myself bluntly and it's really waking me up.

I think that's a big problem that people have. Weighing down their problems. You know, saying something might turn out to your advantage. Its best to just assume that life is going to suck. In my opinion anyways. That way when something bad happens, you expect it, when something good happens, it's like the heavens have sent a ray down just for you.

One thing is for sure, I am sick and tired of being miserable. I can't function anymore. It's affected my focus in school, my friendships with people. I literally cannot stand myself. And I hate it. Something needs to change. I'm already starting to let it go. I don't know with Chris, I really don't. I feel very very dumb still. But we've been here and done this about a thousand times so I won't go into it.

Good thing, I am in a more pure state of mind. I need to fix myself, and that's just what I plan to do. School is very distracting, something I mildly forgot on the break. I did a science test today, and I know it was NOT my best. Probably closer to my worst actually. I do okay in science. Drama class was alot of fun, I look forward to that class everyday because it means that it's time to let myself go and free myself. Basically, I know who I am and I know who I'm not. Drama is such a haven for me.

The bus ride home wasn't even bad. I have this great talent of acting like I am the happiest person on earth. I doubt many people have any idea that I have been borderline suicidal a couple of times in these past months. I guess you just have to conquer yourself and realize that these things really are a part of life. I find comfort when I see that other people have gone through this same thing. It's like when you try to picture yourself as someone on the outside looking in, you see how much your wasting your breath on one person who doesn't matter. That really is what it comes down to.

I am not going to be kicked around anymore for someone I really care about. If it's not the same on their end, then forget it. I've played the loser for too long.

So, I'm worried about Alyssa because I don't want Alyssa, the girl with the smiley brighten-up-your-day face to fall into a deep and dark hole as I have been in. Life can be fun, and I'm trying to let myself have it but I'm struggling. This weekend I have a party to go to on Saturday. Get this; It's a SportMart party! I think that's hilarious. I'm looking forward to it. The people at my work really are a breath of fresh air, and I think I may have just figured out why that is.

It's because they know nothing about me, it's a completely fresh slate to start over and let people build their own judgements on me, based on what they see from me. Going into highschool you think that you will get a clean slate, but in a city where every kid knows every kid from some other kid, everyone already knew my name somehow. It just got worse after everything with Chris. I am quite the talked about topic I realized today, and it's ridiculous. I'm me. I'm nothing special! I was talking to my dad in the car yesterday on the way to work about how alot of the Mac girls call me 'Kristen May Huggett' because my facebook has my middle name in it.

My dad started ranting about how girls need to get their own lives he said "there are twenty fucking million relationships going on and they choose to focus on yours?" I just laughed.

Speaking of dads, he's screaming right now. I think he dropped a plate or something, I heard a clang. So I'll definitely write later.